I'm back from Longlac.
But like I've said to countless people, I don't want to be back.
I want to be there... I want to hug and hold and talk to the kids on the reserve. I want to hang out with the new friends I've made and laugh until I can't breathe like we did night after night there. I want to support and encourage and physically pray with people I love and didn't know I could care so deeply about within a few days of meeting for the first time. I want to swim in ice cold lakes and walk around the rez and play with the kids for hours on the playground. I want to smile when I see kids riding their bikes and taking care of each other. I want to pet dogs with wagging tails and play fetch with them and their disgusting, smelly, soggy tennis balls. I want to have nightly Bible studies with brothers and sisters so willing and ready to learn and dig into God's Word. I want to have spontaneous jam sessions and worship nights and hear and share about how faithful our God is. I want to worship in a church that feels like home. I want to live next door to the pastor's family and be treated like family by wonderful people I've just met. I want to see heartmelting toothless grins by toddlers, children and old twin brothers. I want to look at the stars at night until my neck aches. I want to drive by beautiful, shining lakes and see nothing but blue skies and green trees. I want to live in community with friendly faces and people that are real, not pretending to be perfect... people that wear their hearts on their sleeves... people that aren't afraid to cry, or care, or feel.
Since coming back I've been avoiding meeting up with people and hanging out. I haven't been replying to emails or facebook posts, I haven't been picking up phone calls and I think I'd just be at home all day if it weren't for the only 2 people I've seen every single day for the past 3 weeks and don't mind seeing every single day for the next 3 weeks. Not really sure the reason for these antisocial tendencies... but maybe I'm afraid that after experiencing and seeing all that I did in Longlac, I'll be unchanged and live life the same way, with the same perspective and the same apathetic, jaded heart. Maybe I'm selfish and don't want to pour my heart out dozens of times and drain myself of the memories and people I've come to love and cherish. Maybe I'm afraid that after the 20th time of sharing the same story about the same person, I'll start to feel nothing when I share it. Maybe I just need some time to myself to process and reflect on the past 2 weeks before I share it with others.
I don't know. But I know that life goes on... I have to embrace these opportunities to share the blessings God's poured on me and even if that means sharing the same things over and over again... even if that means overcoming my fear of eventually losing my love and heart for Longlac with each retelling of events.... I just have to trust that God's going to seal whatever he's put in my heart and sharing the blessing with others isn't going to diminish it at all. Maybe it'll grow instead, and spread as I share what God's doing in a town he might be calling me to.
