♥ Story of April ♥

Saturday, September 26, 2009 @ 7:50 PM

Not in the mood.. Hate everything.. If they think they are right then I DUN CARE!!! Life isn't so gd during holiday too.. Want to be alone.. Want to be in a world where nobody is alive.. Dun wish to express myself anymore.. Sick of this type of life.. Nothing is right.. Everything just seem wrong.. Have to act myself even if I know that I can't.. Wish to talk to someone but no one is there.. Breaking down into pieces.. No one know..

Have been trying not to give up but really dunno how to continue anymore.. Can't see any further.. Seeing this world getting worse each day.. Everyone thinks mostly for themselves.. No one care for others.. Hate this world, how I wish I wasn't born.. Will anyone still care what I say here? no one will.. I know this more clearly than anyone..

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Monday, September 21, 2009 @ 8:26 PM

Blog time ^^

Ytd, slp at about 4am+, so late lor.. Lucky, mama dunno about this =D

Today, wake up at about 1pm.. Too tired, a bit dun feel like waking up.. Lol.. But then still wake up & took a shower.. After that, went out with Aunt to AMK Hub for a walk & look around.. Took bus 74 there.. Saw a lots of stuff during the bus trip.. Went home by bus 166, its a long trip home.. It took about 1 hr 30 min.. The bus pass by a lot of place.. Happened to saw some place that bring back the memories.. Haix.. Dun wish to think much today but keep on seeing things that remind me of ... (Dun wish to say here..)

Reached home, feeling tired but really enjoy myself outside today.. Hmmm, but then still thinking a lot.. Haix.. Enjoy another 2-3 days then going to study for my test & exam.. Hope I am able to get through.. Haix, quite negative recently.. Wants to talk to someone but also dun wish to disturb them.. So just keep quiet & emo myself.. (Find myself stupid something.. Being emo is also useless cause no one can help me if I choose not to help myself..)

Hmmm, guess my 4 point will be dropping already.. I am just helpless, won't be able to get through this time.. Dunno how to help myself up.. Just keep seeing myself going from bad to worse.. Once, my friend told me dying is not an options but to me, dying can be an options if I can't get through life anymore.. Well, just a saying.. Won't really go die unless I really can't take it anymore..

^^ Ending here..

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Saturday, September 19, 2009 @ 10:27 PM

Thinking too much again.. Haix.. Angry with myself for being so useless.. If I could say it so easily why I just can't do it the same.. Morning, wake up from a dream.. After that, I have been thinking about it.. During afternoon, was feeling too tired so went to take a nap.. After that also wake up from a similar dream.. Wonder why am I having the same dream over & over again..

Have no choice but to take a shower to calm down.. After shower, I switch on my com to use as usual but my mind just feel heavy.. Haix.. Guess I am thinking way too much for past two days inculding today.. Thats why I am feeling so restless..

Dun wish to think so much already, going to empty my mind before I go to slp tonight..

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@ 1:48 AM

Holiday start from now.. Three weeks.. Quite a lot one.. Hmmm, will to staying at home to clean & pack up my stuff.. Will also do some self-study & to complete my CIC project asap.. Won't be going out so many already.. Cause after the 3 weeks holiday, will be 7 weeks of sch before I complete my course.. After that, will be waiting for result..

Well, still not too sure what I want & where will I be going.. But trying to do what I must/need to do now.. At least when I look back the next time, I will not have so much regret like now.. Regret for not being myself, not being able to do the work to the best & give up myself easily.. Guess time have changed me.. Surrounding giving me the support which I need the most.. Will I be able to pass with a good result this time? Guess I won't be able to.. Then what will happen to me after that? I dun even wish to think about it..

As time pass by, I find myself getting more & more lost.. What really will happen if I am not able to stand up? I am just weak.. Dun wish to stand up is just a reason to lie to myself.. Maybe, I am afraid to get hurts over & over again.. After all, I wasn't that strong.. I may act like I am fine but this didn't mean that I can accept things that keep repeating over & over..

This holiday will I be able to find myself back? ...

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Btw, some of my classmates will be going on a oversea trip to china for 2 weeks.. Hope that they will have a safe trip & enjoy themselves..

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Thursday, September 17, 2009 @ 1:16 AM

Back to blog.. Just finished half of my CIC project & Report for NEC (still got program part missing cause haven't do the program).. Haven't been thinking a lot of stuff recently but I keep acting that I am fine & try to stop thinking.. Well, can say I am fine or maybe not.. I also not too sure myself.. Just now when I suddenly do my work seriously, I start to think back again.. Why I choose this course? Why am I becoming like this recently? Why I can't do my work with my heart? Why I am doing my work without using my mind? Why am I this lost & empty? Guess what? My heart only have one answer.. I am just getting tired out of everything.. So why not just relax & keep my mind calm.. For what think so much? Thinking so much also won't bring anything back.. I am still here living, so at least should try to do, what can be done.. My whole life biggest regret is that I keep giving up before thing really come to an end.. Guess this time I should really try to reach for the finishing line..

Have been talking a lot to my friends recently.. They have also been telling me the same thing.. Guess I should stop acting myself.. I dun feel happy at all.. Is just that I dun wish to let them see my sad face but they still know after all.. No point acting already.. Should be myself again.. The emo & quiet me..

Going slp already.. Stop here for today..

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Saturday, September 12, 2009 @ 7:59 PM

Before I start my blog, here are few words to people who leave tag at my tagboard: if u people want to leave a tag, pls use friendly & nice words.. Dun use words that aren't nice..

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Didn't blog much recently.. Due to my busy with sch work.. Recently, things that happened was mostly bad, nothing gd are happening.. Haix.. Trying to stay positive but in my mind was all negative stuff.. CIC project, NEC assignment, self study.. Everything is coming on the way & I am becoming more down each day.. Guess I can't take in any pressure already.. Want to let stress & unhappiness out but keeping it in, is a better way..

Trying not to give up myself cause if I give up myself, my life will really come to an end.. Letting go of the past, dun think about the future.. Live the way I am now.. Guess this is what I can do now.. Hope that I am able to get through..

That's all for today..

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Sunday, September 6, 2009 @ 10:10 PM

There's always time when we need to make choice between something.. The choice u make, can lead u to the worse/good of ur life..

Today, due to sickness.. I have no energy to move around.. Have been sitting down/lying down.. All the way, I have been thinking about what have happened the past about one & a half years since I attend ITE up to now.. After thinking, all I feel was empty.. There's nothing more to say about it.. I was all along like this.. Empty, lost, emo & lonely.. Even if time return, I guess I am still the same.. There's endless of things running down my mind now..

Ending here.. Btw, my sickness wasn't recover.. Hope that I am still fine enough to attend class tmr..

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Friday, September 4, 2009 @ 7:34 PM

Since I reached home, up to now, still not in the mood.. Haix.. Sore throat have become worse.. Now, the voice is also kind of like gone.. Want to speak my feeling out but there's no one for me to talk to.. I am all alone in this world, no one understand how is it like to be me.. I am like a jigsaw puzzle, everything when the puzzle is almost complete, it will be mess up by someone.. Over & over again.. Getting tired of it.. I wish to be a whole complete puzzle but there's always someone there to tear me into pieces.. I will never be complete.. Maybe its better to be in thousand of pieces then one whole piece.. As least, I am already break into many pieces so I won't get hurts anymore..

No one will ever know the true me anymore.. I am just a living doll that will continue my life but hide my feeling & thought inside..

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No matter how hard I tried to do my best, things will always get into my way.. Have enough of it.. Saying so much out but no one understand.. Whats the point of saying then? If only there's one person who can understand.. Maybe I will feel a lot better now.. (I dun belong here after all..)

Ending here for today.. Its a unhappy day after all..

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Thursday, September 3, 2009 @ 11:48 PM

Have been coughing all the way today, throat still pain.. Haix.. Tmr got class at 8am.. Going to sleep soon liao.. Well, have think a lot today.. Hope that everything will be fine tmr ba.. Also dunno what to write cause kind of confuse.. Thats all for today..

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009 @ 9:53 PM

Back to blog.. Haix.. I am sick.. Coughing all the way 2dae.. Cold is also getting worse at the same time.. Throat is also getting worse.. Hope to recover soon.. Haix.. I know I won't get well soon.. Everytime also like this.. Getting emo then dun wan to tc then become sick.. The more sick I am, the more emo-ness inside.. Just dun wish to express my thought out so only can make myself sick but making myself sick, also I am the one getting hurts.. Haix..

Well, haven't eat my dinner also.. Sick until no mood to eat.. Haix.. How I wish someone can cook for me something that can make me feel like eating.. Feeling hungry but still dun feel like eating..

Tmr also dunno how to go sch.. Just hope it won't get worse ba.. Getting worse means cannot attend tmr class.. I dun wan to miss tmr the class.. I dun mind if it won't recover but just dun get any worse..

Writting long post again.. Have so much to say but this is only part of it.. Will write again tmr, I guess..

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