♥ Story of April ♥

Wednesday, December 31, 2008 @ 8:45 PM

Last day of 2008, now the time is about 9pm...

I didn't go out for countdown cause my right leg not recover yet...

Hmmm, but still quite okay at home ^^

This morning was at school doing real work, quite fun but also tired...

Now watch TV program quite bored but feel calm...

Year 2009 coming ^^

Coming wishes: Pass my test & exam, stay health, happy & calm,

if can also hope to stop problems within myself & my family...

Love usually come with knowing each other, become friends,

like, love, hate then forget...

Hai... Human are really selfish sometime, hmmm why I say so?

Cause I find out the true that it's happening in some place around the world.

Life is not going to carry on for me already,

this is the last day of 2008 & I am emo-ing

(due to some reason)

Nvm, I will just ignore it...

Ending here, going to do other thing...

bye...

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 @ 9:22 PM

Back to blog...
Hai... Right leg still pain...
2dae after project very tired so took 2 buses to come home,

1st is 174 to Boon Lay, 2nd is 154 to a bus stop near my house...
When taking bus 174 was listening music

then suddenly think about the past

(Hmmm, was feeling super emo at that time)

Why suddenly think back?

I don't know maybe is because a new year is coming...

(To him: Thinking about about how u hurt me,

care for me and become my friend...

Everything seem so far now...)

Then when taking bus 154,

was still feeling emo then found out that the bus drive different road...

Luckily didn't took wrong bus... Hai... Still thinking...

(To him: Maybe I changed after knowing u

or maybe not but in my heart there is always a you,

I not too sure why but sometime u seem to understand me a lot

but also sometime not...
Was learning to let go of past memories and u but it's still inside...

I don't know why...
I am so sorry for can't letting u go out of my mind

but when I saw u happy I will also feel better...

Remember to take care...

When u have problems,

I am very sure u will be fine soon cause u are always so positive...)

Hmmm, so fast one year going end soon only left one day...
Still remember when I 1st enter BB ITE

I was feeling very emo, sad, confused, stress & complicated

about every little things that have happened before

or things that are coming soon...

Hai... All was gone only left me all alone...
Now every day like no one care for me

not even my family or friends...
They all seem so far now...
But I know I will be fine without them...
I maybe trying to act strong

but at least I will always help myself up...
Even if the sky fall if I trust myself, I will always be alive

(maybe/maybe not)

Okay, now going do my part for the project...
APRIL MUST JIA YOU!!! U can do it!

(Learning to trust myself more & more each day...
Also feeling more & more emo each day...
Will I be able be stand up again?)

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Saturday, December 27, 2008 @ 12:23 AM

>26 Dec 08<

Got my result this morning & was happy cause got good result

but also a bit sad cause right leg still pain... Hai...

>27 Dec 08<

Now the time is about 12.25am & I still haven't sleep cause I cannot sleep

but was feeling unwell, wahaha few days didn't sleep well.

Hmmm... Coming New Year wish should be hope can sleep and rest well ba ^^

Still unwell but hope this is the last time feeling unwell

cause this year feeling unwell a lot of times already...

Hmmm, just see doctor already about 5 times le...

Hmmm... Now very late already,

wish everyone good night and sweet dream, cya soon ^^

I am sorry for what I have done wrongly...

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Thursday, December 25, 2008 @ 10:01 PM

2dae is Christmas Day!!!

but is already ending soon...
Hmmm, let me be the last person in the world

to wish everyone Merry Christmas!!!
New Year also coming soon...

Hope that the coming year will be good ^^
Thks all people that have wish me Merry Christmas ^^

Hmmm, another thing is I want to apologise to someone.

Who? A lot of people

(Cannot say their name here)

Sorry people

(if u all know who u are)
The reason I choose to apologise here is

because too many people to apologise

so if they read my blog is much easier for me to explain myself...

This few days, my mind and soul like a bit gone

or u can say that I am crazy...
If this few days, I have made u angry or sad...

I am really very very sorry...

What made me like this was that I think too much already...
I think about the past which people hate me,

hurt me and made me upset...

That's the reason I am weird the past few days...

The coming few days, I may also be like this

but will try not to hurt anyone...

Really very very sorry, I don't know why I become like this...
This coming few days,

if can just leave me alone to let me calm down...
(I am really very very sorry, that's all I could say now)

I am sick again, having headache also a bit fever.

Right leg injure also, hai...

That's my fault cause I didn't rest well.

Ytd night only sleep at about 2am+ then woke up at about 4am+

(only 2hrs)
Really very tired & sick but still cannot sleep...

Ytd also very emo so went to drink beer then become more emo...

Hai, 2dae also want to drink

but mama say cannot then like that lor,

just continue emo-ing...

Words to him:
Am I still think about u or... I am not sure also...

Just very confused...
I am sorry, maybe I really can't forget u...
Miss the days that I could talk to u happily w/o other problems
but what is past is already past

even if I can't let go it won't come back...
Just leave me in this silent life for the next few days

before exam result out & school reopen...

I am not the usual me this few days...
Feeling sad, emo, upset & hurt
but nothing can come back cause everything is past...
I am sorry :'(

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Wednesday, December 24, 2008 @ 2:00 PM

Wake up late again this morning, feeling tired & emo cause of my kor kor,

he was sick then also don't why he keep on showing attiude.

Hai, life 2dae is for sure no good.
Is Christmas Eve & yet my house is so dead.
Hmmm, nothing much to say cause feeling very no mood,

will end here with one lyrics.

>Bring Me To Life<

How can you see into my eyes like open doors.

Leading you down into my core

Where I've become so numb.

Without a soul

My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold.

Until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside.

(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark.

(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone.

(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without.

You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real.

Bring me to life

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside.

(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark.

(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone.

(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become

Bring me to life.

I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside.

Bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch.

Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All of this time, I can't believe I couldn't see.

Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems.

Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice,

without a soul.

Don't let me die here
There must be something more.

Bring me to life

(Wake me up) Wake me up inside.

(I can't wake up) Wake me up inside
(Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark.

(Wake me up) Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up) Before I come undone.

(Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become

Bring me to life. I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside. Bring me to life

>Try to understand the lyrics & you may understand how my life is<

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Monday, December 22, 2008 @ 2:22 PM

Ytd - Afternoon went to East Coast Park to walk at the seaside

at the same time listening to MP3.

Hmmm, was feeling relax,

like long time didn't feel so relax before already...

2dae - Wake up quite late

cause ytd night didn't sleep well,

have not sleep well for 1 week plus already.

Why? Hmmm, maybe like the silentness of the night

so don't really feel like sleeping.

2moro - Where will I be?

Now - Listening to song,

hoping to calm down even if I know is impossible...

Hmmm, thinking about dying

cause really very very down but didn't do it...

Reason: Maybe still got somethings

that I still can't let go or still got somethings

that can still keep me living on...

Why so down?

I don't know why but there should be some reason...

If that time I really kill myself then what will happen now?

Hmmm, is it just so simple that everyone will forget me

and carry on living or...

But as for me,

if I am already dead will I still have feeling towards thing that are around?

Hai, is alway my thinking & my feeling which cause me to live on or...

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Sunday, December 21, 2008 @ 12:51 PM

Emo-ing... Why? Hai... Hate living...

Everytime also got MAD & CRAZY people anyhow say I what de...

Really very vey hate them...
Hope they all can die lor... Hai... Don't know what to say...

Everytime got say by people de...
If they don't die is I die lor...

Anyway I die le also no one care so die le also better...

LIFE IS JUST A NIGHTMARE THAT IS BROUGHT OUT

BY SOMEONE TO SOMEONE...
NOW, I AM LIVING IN A NO ONE CARE LIFE SO EVEN

IF I DIE, ONLY GOT PEOPLE SAY OHH... SHE DIE ALREADY...
HAI...

I AM LIVING ALONE IN THIS WORLD & NO ONE KNOW,

NO ONE CARE...
JUST A DEAD BODY WALKING AROUND HOPING SOMEONE TO CARE

BUT ONLY ME ALONE...
LIFE IS SO SO LONELY... HATE LIVING...
LIFE HAVE NO ONE CARING = LIFE THAT IS DEAD...

:'( No one know what I am thinking...

No one care about what I am doing...

Words for all:
Don't need to find anyone to talk to if u are unhappy

or emo cause no one will be there as usual...
Just leave the unhappy or emo in ur heart and act

if u are happy ba...
At least this will reduce ur problems from 100 to 1...

From 2dae onwards, I will be living emo-ly cause thats the usual me...
I have tried to change but ended up nothing come fine for me...
So now I am going to be my old self...

APRIL IS DEAD AND WILL NEVER BE ALIVE AGAIN...

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Friday, December 19, 2008 @ 1:03 AM

>18 Dec 08, Thu<

2dae wake up at 11am.

Hmmm, very late hor but also very rush

cause meeting Pu Xiu, Ti How & Xi Wen at 12noon at Jurong Point.

At 1st still feeling okay, all the way until something happened

that made me so shock until don't know what to say.

Is just one person, who? This person can say is someone

that I can don't care but when I saw him,

the feeling came back.

Why? Don't ask me cause I also not sure.

Words to him:
Hmmm, quite shock to see u 2dae at JP.

When I saw u the 1st thinking

that come to my mind was "wa!" u really change a lot

after so long no see then next was thinking why u went JP for?

but thinking of all this,

I was getting a bit emo so I didn't continue with my thinking

cause I don't want to let my friends see me emo in front of them

but maybe is I still miss u or... I also don't know...

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 @ 9:04 PM

Hai... Another mood-less day,

not really feeling emo but feeling empty...

Why? I don't know...

Hmmm, because of who, what or why?

I don't know, really don't know...

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 @ 10:00 PM

Happy ^^ why? I don't know... Just feeling happy ^^

Hmmm, just come home from JP,

JP become more big than before.

Eaten my lunch & dinner at JP 2dae,

about 3+ pm reach JP then until 8+ pm go take bus.

9+ pm reach home, wahaha pro hor so late then reach home ^^

At JP there walk walk then found something funny,

got polar bears show but the polar bears look more like white cats

or white tigers than polar bears, lols

^^ Happy

2moro, 17 Dec, Mama's Bdae ^^

Wish mama happy bdae!

Hmmm, tonight celebrating. Wahaha

Words to him:

Thks for all the past memories & now I am going to forget

what have happened before that so as to live on...

^^ Will forget what I should forget

also will remember what I should remenmber.

(Will live on even if without u,

if u find ur happiness I will be there to congrat u ^^)

Words for the day:

Human will always have regrat

if they don't live happily

but happily will on happen when u choose to be happy.

Hmmm, why I say so?

Cause I know someone who choose to be emo in the past

but now have become more positive person.

Who is she? In actual, that person was me...

U may want to ask why?

But let what is past to be past so I am not going to say here ^^

Hmmm, going to do other things... Cya ^^

(Everything will be okay someday, really it will)

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Saturday, December 13, 2008 @ 3:06 PM

Hai... No comment no reason only left unhappiness...

Why I say so? Its because I am mad? I don't know...

Am I alway like this in the past? I am not...

Then what made me change so much until become like this?

Surrounding? Friends? Family? Myself? My thinking?

I keep saying I want to give up

but deep in my heart I don't feel like giving up,

it's just that I am really very very tired...

Why do things just keep change from good to bad?

Then all I could do is just writting my feeling in the blog

then let the day just past with this bad feeling?

Don't know what to do...

Everyday even if not happy also act happy

then even if happy also got a bit emo,

like all my emotion got mix up or I got depresstion?

Not too sure... Just very confuse only...

Words for myself ???

No more words can bring me up already, I think so...

Words for everyone???

Cannot even help myself, can I still help others???

Ending my day more & more meaningless each day...

Will hope come back to me one day???

Living in a surrounding of unhappiness

which made me think of becoming more stronger

but ended up becoming more helpless...

Am I surpose to be in this way???

Maybe I should just sleep now & wait until school reopen

then wake up or even not to wake up???

If can then good ba...

Wouldn't be finding anyone to talk

cause don't want to trouble anyone...

Ending my life for 2dae with one song by JJ Lin, I Still Miss Her...

Lyrics:

泪水将我淹没到底谁该难过

究竟是谁放掉这段感情

我才终于明白办不到的承诺就成了枷锁

现实中幸福永远缺货

请告诉她我不爱她笑着难过自我惩罚

想终止这一切挣扎横了心说真心谎话
别告诉她我还想她恨总比爱容易放下

当泪水堵住了胸口就让沉默代替所有回答

我才终于明白办不到的承诺

就成了枷锁

现实中幸福永远缺货

请告诉她我不爱她笑着难过自我惩罚

想终止这一切挣扎横了心说真心谎话
别告诉她我还想她恨总比爱容易放下

当泪水堵住了胸口就让沉默代替所有回答

我不爱我不痛我不懂

我的心早已经掏空

真心话言不由衷

请告诉她我不爱她笑着难过自我惩罚

想终止这一切挣扎横了心说真心谎话
别告诉她我还想她恨总比爱容易放下

当泪水堵住了胸口就让沉默代替所有回答

别告诉她我还想她就让沉默代替所有回答

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Tuesday, December 9, 2008 @ 7:56 PM

Hmmm, there is a few reason why I do bloging 2dae.

1st is because I have something to write, of course.

2nd is that by write I will be a bit more calm.

Well, let me start with something that is in my mind.

Holidays have started since last Friday after the exam.

Hmmm... Then Sat was BBQ at Mdm Yap's house.

Sun, was at home. Same goes to Mon.

Then was 2dae. 5 days have passed as usual but this 5 days,

I have see & know a lot.

1st is my family, they are still the same.

Keep on saying each other then not happy with each other.

Life to them like only have themselves, they don't care what I am thinking.

Why can't they just care for each other & stop fighting?

2nd is my own problem.

When I have problems, I don't know who to turn to.

Even if I know, I scared that I would disturb them.

Just keep on feel lost & even more lost each day,

then life become meaningless to me.

3rd is that someone keep using my E-mail add and phone number,

passing it around. Can that person pls stop doing stupid thing like this.

If not happy with me just say, don't use this way to disturb me.

Lastly, this is what I am happy about cause I am feeling better than before.

I also know more, I know the true meaning of a lot of things.

E.g. like people say when u see ur love one happy u will be happy,

the meaning not really saying that u will be happy.

Don't really know how to explain but try to understand it urself ba.

Hmmm, really feel a lot better than last time. Maybe this is the real me.

Hope that things will go even more well ba.

Here is the words for the day:

1. Hate may seem more easy to forget someone than love

but hate is alway the being of unhappiness,

so try to forget someone in a more happier way

by loving them and not hating them.

2. Happiness can be find within one person,

is up to that person whether he/she want to be happy or unhappy.

If u know me well, last time I choose to be unhappy

cause I keep thinking that by choosing happy

when unhappy things happen it will pull u down to the super buttom of life

but by choosing unhappy is didn't make u feel any better.

So choose to be happy, it will really change ur life a bit better.

Wahaha, after reading this post u may think that I have change a lot ba,

but actually I didn't.

It is that the surrounding change me, not I change myself.

Even if so, I know that in actual I didn't change much

cause I am always myself.

I will still get emo so I still need people to talk to.

When that time come, let hope that my friends will be there.

Lol, hope that they wouldn't get mad when reading this.

Also want to thks Ti How di cause last 2 days got stupid people disturb me

then he give me advice.

After that I ask my kor kor help me.

Now ok already.

This is also the final warning I am giving to that someone

(I don't know who)

stop anyhow give my E-mail add and phone number.

If I know who it is,

I will make that person know how 'fun' it is to disturb people like that.

Going to play game now, cya soon & tc...

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Sunday, December 7, 2008 @ 11:11 PM

Hai, I don't know what happened to me.

Keep on thinking about the past.

Why just I forget and live on happily? I don't know.

Just want to keep myself calm down.

Finding ways to me the normal me.

Listening all kinds of music now, just want to find myself back

but still can't. Idk...

Feeling more & more emo each day past.

Trying to look forward and not backward

but still can't forget what have happened.

Idk Idk, really don't know...

Words to him:

Sorry, I have let u down. I cannot promise what I said before hands.

I really still miss u a lot, a lot more than what others could think.

I am sorry for everythings.

Really don't know what other things I could do to forget u.

Words to everyone who help me:

Thks a lot but I think I have put all ur help into waste.

I am sorry, I really can't help myself.

Now, what I could do is to thks you all & delete my past memories.

From 2moro onwards,

I may start to be very very blur

cause tonight I will brain wash myself so as to forget him...

Take care everyone & bye cause u may not see the old April anymore.

From tonight onwards,

April going to keep everythings to herself or forget it.

:'( Let hope that this is the final time I will be crying...

Learning & knowing more each day, also becoming more emo each day.

Really don't know how to let go so now only can do this.

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Friday, December 5, 2008 @ 8:10 PM

Feeling lost again, 2dae just end exam

but I know that I didn't do well & some more got pressure

by others cause they keep on saying that they did well.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

CAN EVERYONE JUST STOP TELLING ME ABOUT EXAM!!!

I don't feel like going out 2moro but got to go Mdm Yap's house there BBQ

cause its a class event. Don't know what to do...

Cannot be emo 2moro also if not my friends will say I stress again... Hai...

I DON'T KNOW, REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO...

NOW ITS SEEM LIKE I AM ALREADY DEAD...

VERY VERY VERY UPSET BUT DON'T KNOW CAN TELL WHO...

VERY VERY EMO NOW BUT NO ONE KNOW...

FEELING SO COLD, LONELY NOW...

CAN I STILL LIVE ON???

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~