Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Peace

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled . . . —John 14:27

During the Sunday service, when the pastor gave an altar call for the connect group leaders, my cell group leader asked me to go forward, along with some other cell group friends. I was reluctant. Being a connect group leader is definitely the last thing on my mind. And getting laid hand by my pastor is another intimidating thing for me. Seeing how some people reacted strongly to the Holy Spirit frightened me. What if there are demons in me? What if I begin to tremble and my eyes roll up when I am being touched? What if I don't feel a thing? How am I supposed to fall back? What if everyone falls but I don't? Should I fake a fall?

The train of thoughts ran through my mind as I stood among the hundreds of people waiting to be blessed. Just close my eyes, pray in the spirit, and let it happen, I told myself. Surprisingly, I felt calmness fall upon me. The jitters I usually have when I go before a large crowd did not surface. I took a step of faith, and another, and a few more, and it's my turn.

I lined up in the front row with some others, bowed my head, closed my eyes, stretched my hands and prayed in the Spirit. Let it come, whatever it may be, I prayed. The pastor's gentle voice rang beside my ear as I felt his hand upon my head. I expected a strong current, or a push from the pastor's hand, or even a moment's weakness to wash over me. Nothing. The touch was soft, barely there, and I fell back with unexpected gentleness. I didn't feel anything overwhelming. I didn't feel welled-up emotions. I felt nothing.

I was a little disappointed as I made my way back to my seat. Perhaps I wasn't the Chosen One. Perhaps I was not ready to receive. Perhaps I did not deserve the blessing.

The rest of the day was filled to the brim with flea market in the afternoon, baby's shower in the evening and mummy visiting at night. By the time I reached home, it was past midnight. I was so tired that I overslept the next morning and decided to stay at home to the rare peacefulness with all the kids at their cell group chalet.

It was a reminisce of the past when all of them were in school while I was still a stay-at-home mum. It seemed to be a long time since I was able to stand by the morning, doing the dishes while the happy chirps of the birds were carried in by the gentle breeze. The peace and quiet was so different from the constant battle at the workplace. And suddenly it hit me. Peace. That was what I had been praying for for the past weeks. And God had granted me my wish. The nothingness that I had felt during the altar call was none other than peace - the quietness of my heart and soul that lasts till now - amidst the troubles that plagued me.

God is Peace. He works in way we could not perceive. His love and blessings never cease. As long as we trust in Him, we will receive.

Thank You, my heavenly Father.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Blessed Always

Life is a mixed blessing, which we vainly try to unmix. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Lately I felt heavily burdened by all the bills, especially when the other party fails to bring back enough dough. To make things worse, I was drawing away from His presence more and more often. I am not committed to my daily quiet time anymore. Most of the time I will let myself fall into temptations and excuse myself from the daily devotion. As a result, I feel physically, mentally, spiritually and financially dry.

But God is a faithful God. He is full of love and mercy for us. He understands us and continues to care and provide for us unconditionally. He is patient with us and continues to lead us with His gentle hands.

I was late this morning so had to take public bus to my office. In a sudden urge, I decided to bring along my bible to read on the bus. I prayed as I walked, all the way, looking into the vast sky, seeking for His comfort. And suddenly it hit me. God was blessing me in small ways I did not realize.

Through His Grace (and my brother’s help in his effective and incessant complaining to the authority), I was able to recover an amount I overlooked in my previous Singtel bill. I am also able to convert my current analogue residential line to a digital one without incurring the service charge even though I had taken up the MIO package a few months ago. Furthermore, with their current Philips Twin Dect Phone promotion, I will be getting new phone to replace my faulty one at home and at the same time enjoy free Phone Plus (Caller-ID , Call Waiting, etc) services for a year.
It took me a while to realize all the above did not happen coincidentally. They were God-incidentally. It’s so easy for us to think that things happen naturally. But He is the One who makes it work in His way, in His time. There are so many things that pass us unnoticed but nonetheless blessings to us.

I prayed for His Word and read Psalm 56 to 59.

“For you have delivered my soul from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.” ~Psalm 56:13

“Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.” ~Psalm 57:1

“But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.” ~Psalm 59:16

Thank You, LORD, for always being with me wherever I go.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Happy Mothers' Day

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. ~Oprah Winfrey

Being Your Mother by Barbara Cage

Being your Mother
means that I have had the opportunity
to experience loving someone
more than I love myself.
I have learned what it's like
to experience joy and pain
through someone else's life.

It has brought me pride and joy;
your accomplishments touch me
and thrill me like no one else's can.

It has brought me
a few tears and heartaches at times,
but it has taught me hope and patience.
It has shown me the depth,strength, and power of love.

Being your mother
hasn't always been easy,
and I'm sure
I've said or done things that have hurt or confused you.
But no one has ever made me as satisfied
as you do just by being happy.
No one has made me as proud as you do just by living up to your responsibilities.

No one's smile
has ever warmed my heart
like yours does;
no one's laughter
fills my heart with delight
as quickly as yours can.

No one's hugs feel as sweet,
and no one's dreams
mean as much to me as yours do.

No other memories of bad times have miraculously
turned into important lessons or humorous stories;
the good times have become precious treasures
to relive again and again.

You are a part of me,
and no matter what happened in the past
or what the future holds,
you are someoneI will always accept,
forgive, appreciate, adore,
and love unconditionally.

Being your mother
means that I've been given
one of life's greatest gifts: you.













Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Blessing 1-2-3

The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little star dust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched. ~Henry David Thoreau, Walden

I woke up earlier than usual, but for some reasons, got out of the house later than usual.

Rain was falling from the sky in a light mist. I made my way to the MRT station, working up a slow trot. The wind tousled my hair and tugged at the frills of my blouse. The rain tap-danced gently on my head and shoulders. I widened my strides, my dark windbreaker flapping in the breeze, feeling wonderfully composed.

Yikes!

My arms flew out to gain back my balance on the slippery metal grills over the drain I just stepped onto. The perfect picture of coolness dissolved into hot embarrassment. I escaped the scene with quickened pace, not forgetting to thank God for saving me from further disgrace.

I reached the station safely without further mishaps, but late. It’s five minutes before my company bus leaves the bay and I was six minutes away from my destination.

Perhaps the bus would be late in this weather. Perhaps the train would travel faster than usual. Perhaps my watch was too fast. Perhaps...

It was a few minutes past eight when I reached my destination.

"If the bus has left, I'll simply go home," I contested.

Miraculously, when I stepped out of the station, I spotted the yellow giant aka my company bus still by the roadside. I resisted performing a victory dance and leapt right into the hundred metre dash for the grand prize.

In merely two steps of my attempt, the bus rolled away, oblivious to my presence.

My heart sank. The earlier contemplation of returning home crept into my mind again. But images of bills and expenditure and broken promise crowded in. Heaving a sigh of resignation, I made my way to the interchange to catch a bus to work.

Initial intention to work full day was doused by Rachel’s message in the late morning. Agreeing to meet her for lunch, I left office by mid-day again.

She was an hour late. And along with her came my sister-in-law and Mervin and Angel. It turned out that my sister-in-law had wanted to bring Mervin out to buy him a birthday gift; Angel had wanted to tag along; and Rachel had wanted to take a lift from my sister-in-law to meet me. Eventually, the four of them decided to head the same direction.

We had lunch at McDonalds. As usual, Rachel was lazy to get her lunch herself, and Angel was eager to comply.

“One McSpicy meal upsized, one fillet student meal upsized, both drinks change to Spirite, and whatever else Mervin wants,” I recited the order as short and simple as possible. To play safe, I asked Mervin to go along with his sister to help her out.

In the end, Angel returned with a fillet student meal, six-piece chicken munchees meal, and a McWings meal.

“Last time, when she wanted McWings, she’d order McSpicy. This time, it’s the other way round,” I laughed, whereas a grouchy Rachel had to satisfy her urge for a McSpicy with wings instead.

After lunch, my sister-in-law brought Mervin and Angel to shop for the birthday present while I accompanied Rachel to stay behind at McDonalds to revise her Chemistry. The ions really put me to sleep. When Rachel suggested lending me her notes to keep me awake, I suspected it’s her ploy to assassinate me.

Whenever I revised with Mervin and Angel, they would be the ones who pleaded with me to end the session. However, I found myself praying for a break at that moment. What an irony.

After a couple hours of torture, we headed home with dinner – 士林超大鸡排, bubble tea, chicken rice and nasi lemak.

The meal was simple but great, because of the kids.

“Is the rice too hard?”

“Is the portion enough?”

“Do you mind wings?”

Instead of complaining, they comforted me.

“The rice is okay.”

“The portion is alright. Look at my tummy!”

“有得吃就很好了!”

They really taught me how to count my blessings.

Thank you my love.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Scraps

23 April 2009

For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness. ~Author Unknown

I blew it. Again.

Just the day before, while kids and I were making our way home after spending hours at McDonalds revising for the examinations, Mervin had exclaimed, “Today is one of my best days!”

I cocked my head and asked, “Why?”

“Because nobody loses his or her temper and everybody is happy!”

My heart warmed. Joy can be so simple. My kids are simply priceless.

Yet, I blew it again.

After so many days of rushing back from half-day work, plowing through the assessment books and coping with chores, my fuse finally blew this evening.

I lost the upbeat energy, lost my patience, lost hope and lost my temper. Everything went wrong. Nothing was accomplished. I plunged into despair.

Just when I was stomping around the house grousing at the mess that came out of nowhere and from everywhere, my handphone beeped.

It was a message:

“Sometimes skies are dark, but sometimes skies are colourful and blue when there is you and I LOVE YOU! Don’t be angry anymore, we love you! By Mervin J be happy!”

My heart melted. I had robbed him of his simple joy and he simply wanted to rub his love off me.

Simple love.



25 April 2009

A man isn't poor if he can still laugh. ~Raymond Hitchcock

On the bus ride to church, Angel couldn’t stop blathering on the upcoming band performance on Labour Day at the Istana.

“I think you have to go there by yourself. Remember not to carry any sharp objects with you. You will be scanned before you can be admitted. So if they find any sharp or dangerous things on you, you cannot enter…”

She was droning on and on and on and I was beginning to drift off when she exclaimed,

“You know, there will be terrorists too!”

My drooping eyelids popped open and I gawked at her.

She appeared stunned, stopped short of her speech, and the both of us froze for almost ten seconds before she blurted,

“I mean tourists!”

We nearly passed out laughing.



26 April 2009

I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine! ~Author Unknown

I hate whiners. Thus, I found me hating myself today.

It all began with the constant throb at the back of my head. Like an irritating blinking headlight, the pain was bright and irksome. It was there and could not be shut out. Unless smashed.

As if living with an irritating blinking headlight in my head was not enough, the whimpers escaped my throat with the carbon dioxide leaving my lungs. I heard myself and winced; partly due to the pain and partly annoyance.

I scrambled out of my bed into the living hell – the living room, I mean. Bags were strewn all over the floor; clothes draped over the sofa; paper bags laid everywhere; shoes were kicked around; books scattered over the tables…

The dining room was an equalizer. Dishes stacked up in the sink; food stains smudged the dining table; bitch’s pee and poo missed the spot as usual; and soiled clothes were piling up in the laundry basket.

I tried coming out with a strategy with my malfunctioning head. Perhaps I should clean up room by room. Perhaps I should tackle task by task. Perhaps I should clear as I roam. Perhaps I should just go back to bed.

Anyway, I managed to clear the bitch’s toilet area, vacuum my room and the kitchen and part of the living hell, load the washing machine, wash the dishes, and wipe the dining table.

As I boiled water, I made myself some tea in hope to drown and sizzle out the throbbing headlights. But darn, the headlights were weatherproof.

Resigned, I went on to vacuum the rest of the house, put some of their books back into the shelves, washed the two washrooms, hanged my laundry, and was burnt out.

To my amazement, the grating headache was gone. Was it the tea? Or was it the chores?

It must be the tea.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

痛吗?

Pain of mind is worse than pain of body. ~Latin Proverb

It’s the day of the month when I’m physically and emotionally weakest.

Cramps and diarrhea plagued me throughout the morning. Just when my stomach began to settle, my head started pounding.

Kids had left for church since early afternoon. Alone at home, I had time to reminisce; to let the memories of the past took me over waves after waves.

I chose to drown myself in some Korean dramas.

Dejections were written all over her face when she was lunching with him.

“怎么那么臭?”

“你说炸酱面吗? 不会啊! 我的不臭…”

“我是说你的脸…被人家打啦?”

“是啊…”

“被谁打?”

“不管是去那里, 或做什么, 总是不顺利又跌跌撞撞的…”

“我是问你, 谁打你了?”

“之前的男朋友, 之前的上司, 之前的同事, 还有之前的前辈… 还有… 之前的…”

“会痛吗?”

Scenes from the past flashed before me. Tears fell silently onto my quilt.

Which is more of a blessing – to have something just to lose it later, or not having it at all?

The price to pay for tasting one saccharine apple is excruciating pain for the rest of life.

痛吗?

Friday, March 06, 2009

Double

It's double the giggles and double the grins, and double the trouble if you're blessed with twins. ~Author Unknown

After a whole afternoon of baking under the sun for the school’s sports heats on Wednesday, I decided to bring the kids out for dinner.

We settled for McDonald’s as my lovely kids wanted to help me to reduce my spending. As Rachel would be joining us very much later, and Angel’s stomach was protesting loudly, Mervin and Angel went ahead to place their orders.

After the meal, the three of us shopped around while waiting for the queen to arrive. It was almost an hour before Her Majesty glided into the mall in her flowing white robe.

Since Mervin and Angel had had their fill, I offered to have a bite with Rachel although I wasn’t really feeling very hungry. Once again, Her Majesty wanted to be served on and sweet Angel took upon the mission voluntarily.

“I just want a double cheeseburger plus a side and a coke,” Her Majesty ordered.

“In that case, I’ll get a meal then we can share the drink and side. So, you can just get the burger,” I proposed.

I recited to Angel our order – a McSpicy meal and a double cheeseburger – and handed her a ten-dollar note.

Not long after, Angel ran back to me from the counter.

“Mummy, it’s still short of ninety-five cents,” she was gasping for breath.

I handed her another two-dollar bill and was beginning to feel puzzled.

“Could she have bought a meal for you too?” I discussed with Rachel.

“I don’t think so. I think your meal is more expensive,” she suggested.

“So far, there isn’t a meal in McDonald’s that cost over eight dollars,” I did a quick mental calculation. “Since your burger is merely two dollars, the ten dollars I had given her should be well enough.”

The mystery was solved when the innocent cherub returned, with a tray of a drink, a fries, a McSpicy burger and TWO double cheeseburgers.

“How come there are two double cheeseburgers?” I was baffled.

“You said you wanted a double cheeseburger right? Double means two mah,” the naïve look on her face was too sincere to be faulted on.

We had a good laugh as we tried to explain to her that a double cheeseburger is ONE singular burger. As for the extra burger, nobody had the capacity for it anymore.

Nevertheless, it became my bonus breakfast the next morning.