borrowing from the Internet

You may have seen this going around, but I thought this was well worthy of sharing!  Because I do a ton and sometimes get wrapped in my own crap.  It is great to know another way of looking at the work.  So this is totally not my words, but something that is going around.

______________

Invisible Mother......

 
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. 
 
Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' 
 
Obviously, not. 
 
No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. 
 
I'm invisible. The invisible Mom . Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? 
 
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' 
 
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone! 
 
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England .. 
 
Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. 
 
I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. 
 
I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' 
 
It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .. 
 
I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 
 
'To My Dear Friend, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.' 
 
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 
 
No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 
 
These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 
 
They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 
 
The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. 
 
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees' 
 
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. 
 
It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.' 
 
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. 
 
It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. 
 
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. 
 
The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. 
 
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're going to love it there.'
 
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. 
 
And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

privacy

Ok.  If there is one thing a mother to two little men lacks, I would guess high on the list is privacy.  I'm not even talking "personal space" like time to relax or unwind, to pursue a hobby I used to have, or to pursue a hobby I'd like to have.  I'm talking traditional privacy such as going pee without someone insisting on handing me the toilet paper.  Privacy to poop without someone asking what sound it makes.  I'm talking the opportunity to place a panty liner in my underwear without explaining why mommy wears 'little diapers'.

So on a holiday week, that really feels like a holiday year of the kids in my face 24-7, there are times when I just wanted a moment.  I was trying the dreaded triple move, to shower, wash my hair and shave my legs, when I was joined by a toddler who could get off his diaper and pants, but not his shirt, who mistook shaving cream for shampoo.  Let's not even talk about tampons;  it just is too surreal.  How about enough space to blow my nose without 'breathing' on anyone coupled with the lack-of-privacy which included a request to show the 'snots'.  

Then there is also the issues of space that to me is included in privacy.  It is underrated.  I'm just talking about personal space to stand on one's own feet without someone on your toes.  To fart without explaining it.   The space to have a child sit in your lap but not 'squeeze boobie'.  Enough space to open a stuck jar without accidentally elbowing a child that believes he's just 'standing behind' you.  

So after preparing dinner with four extra sets of helpful hands that takes twice as long as usual leading to ''I'm hungry' melt downs, after washing almost all the plates less one which was dropped on the way to the sink because "I wanna help", after bed time preparation included wiping bottoms and snotty noses, I chose to run out to the store for eggs for breakfast.  In mommy speak, it was a 'privacy, space, breathing deep"  run! Even the check out clerk who knows my kids commented on my way out, "enjoy the moment of privacy".

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

The carrots are for the reindeer.  The clementines and juice box are for you.  I guess we are out of chocolate chip cookies.   Thank you for visiting. 

Big Boy, Little Man, Daddy and Mommy.

Couldn't have written it better.

Ronald McDonald House

I have a secret.  When I first started my company and knew I wanted to donate a portion of the proceeds to charities, I had several charities in mind.  Several just were not established enough to have confidence that the funds were going where they advertised.  A few did not respond to my call.  But to my secret,  one, and only one organization, actually got back to me and said that they wouldn't be interested in me until I was bigger.  Until then I could buzz off.  

It was a bummer.  It was a charity that I thought for sure would take whatever I had to offer. But no, it wasn't interested and replied, "if I'm really interested I could volunteer at the local level".  However, they didn't get back to me for about 3 months after my first out reach.  By then I already had to produce my marketing materials for the toy company (Fierce Fun Toys).   I already had a few other charities fall of the list for more my reasons than theirs.  So I was stuck with people thinking I supported a charity, that frankly didn't want me. Awkward.

But I'm bigger than any organization, that is the joy of being an individual!  I can contribute where I want and organizations rarely say no to free product or money.  And even though they didn't believe in me, I still believe in the work they do.....it was the Ronald McDonald House Charities.  

The Ronald McDonald House charities focus on providing housing when families have to travel for medical treatment.  It may be a stay of a few days to months. But what resonates for me is that they try to keep someone from the family with the kid.  

Little Man had two hospital stays of about 10 days each without family.  Frankly, I have no more information.  For the first surgery, he may or may not have been assigned to a foster family.  But I know from the hospital he went to a foster family.  The second time, I'm not sure if the foster family could afford to travel with him for the surgery.  Either way, he was out there, in a hospital for at least 10 days, and I don't know if family could stay with him or not.  I don't know if the hospital had real evening staff or if they sedated him, strapped his hands down and walked away (a real likelihood given most kids going through cleft surgeries have their hands strapped down to keep them from pulling on stitches), or what?  

So today, without an appointment I showed up at the NYC Ronald McDonald house with 90 Normans, 90 coloring books, 90 sets of crayons and 90 bags.  I had no appointment, but the local staff didn't care.  I was welcomed.  We (the Big Boy and I) package the sets, and all the families staying in NYC house this week will get one - this week they are housing about 84 families.  

I didn't get to see the kids, or the families, but I didn't need to.  This is about reaching out and showing love to someone who might not have all the family they need/want with them.  This was about offering a smile where I could.  This was about making a small contribution even if corporate wasn't interested. This was about the ethical side of advertising and following through.  

But really, it was transference of the love I would offer to that unnamed, yet un-familied orphan in a room by himself.

Reading in the Bronx

Yesterday I spent the day in the South Bronx at a really cool public elementary school.  Note this is a poor area, even for the Bronx, and the students live in a challenging environment.  But it was cool, because the kids were interested in meeting me, hearing a new story and chatting about book writing/making.

My journey started with a subway ride, actually three different trains as the second train I jumped on was the wrong one.  Then a short walk of just a few blocks (5-6) when the shops were starting to open.  While things were on a lower income scale, I did love that the stores were your more traditional single type vendor; the butcher, veggie guy, hair salon, underwear store, etc.

The guard at the front door, checked my identification, signed me in and sent me to the main office.  At the main office there was a repair man fixing the photocopy machine that had been broken for four days.  They called up to the librarian, who picked me up and gave a tour of the school.  The school was a magnificent old building that had huge rooms and 25 ft ceilings on each floor of the 6 floor building.  There were only stairs, which means with 25 ft ceilings everyone gets a work out. The wrought iron around the stairs was beautiful, but clearly meant to keep kids from sliding down the banisters and safe.  

The library was actually lovely.  Rather full of books as one would expect, a bit bare of decoration, no artwork like the classrooms.  Two rugged areas for readings and five tables for six kids each.  I liked the book collection.  Frankly I hadn't been in an elementary school library in YEARS!  There was a reference section of dictionaries and encyclopedias.  Lots of non-fiction from basic science to Vikings.  Then a great selection of fiction, spanning a very wide reading ability, as the kids in the school range from kindergarten to 5th graders.  

Each class period was 50 minutes.  I was to meet with one class of each grade, 5-K. Some classes were bi-lingual and some included students with learning disabilities.

The Librarian introduced me as an "author" to the kids when they first sat came in and sat at the tables.  We discussed what is an "author" and with the older kids, what is "famous" because I'm not a "famous author" as they had so greatly wanted to presume.  But they were thrilled that I was there at all.  I told them it was a story about a farting elephant, that makes friends at a zoo, and they were more then happy to hear the story.  They were ready for story time.  

We moved to the rugged area.  I read.  They helped with sound effects.  At the end we had Q&A.  For the younger classes, K & first graders, this was enough.  We talked about all the animals that live at the zoo, which is their favorite, what they would name it if they could, and what would be its "secret power" if it had one.  Then they had the opportunity to draw a picture of it and write a sentence below the picture.  Lots of "elefants" in the room!

With 2nd graders and older, I could read them the second story without pictures.  They enjoyed it. But I also had the pencil sketch of the book with me so we could pick out sections, reread that section, talk about how they would illustrate it if they were making the book.  Then I would show them what the artist came up with and sometimes even the final full color graphic.  

IT WAS AWESOME!  

Amazingly, they stayed with it for the most part.  Of course they were wiggly, as all kids are.  They loved the concept and in the older classes asked some great question.  But it was also a new concept, meeting an author.  These generally were kids from homes where there aren't a lot of books, they don't frequent book stores and the local library is not as welcoming as the one at the school.  At lunch and after school, fifth grade girls showed up just to hang out.  They were totally into the "American Girl" historical series.

It was fun to interact with the kids.  I've noticed across readings I've done that the kids love when an adult is willing to say "fart" let alone encourage everyone to make a fart sound.  The librarian did admit to me it was a problem as the kids on occasion fart, and then the giggling and accusations start.  She say she typically says it was her fart just to get the kids to quiet down, but now she can blame it on Norman.

It was a good experience.  I hope they also get the greater bit of Norman's story, that of acceptance, cultural differences are interesting and embraceable, and that silly can go anywhere.

Advent Calendar

Yes, Today, I realized we have an advent calendar.  Guess I'm a little late.  Guess I'm going to throw it out so I don't feel this stupid again next year!  

I live with a Believer!

I live with a Believer and I'd admit it is making the holidays for me. One believe out of the four of us is all it takes.  But frankly, I believe a bit too.

Let's back up, I lost my job over a year ago.  I embraced the change with open arms. In the last year I've started two businesses, pulled my hair out, sang 1990's pop songs at the top of my voice, but essentially tightened the financial belt on the family. Last year holidays came and passed in no great fan fair, I prepped before losing the job.  Then I got really sick and wasn't able to get out much for pretty much the entire month of December. With out me doing the festivities, we just didn't do a lot.

In the last year I've been avoiding stores.  Just not going inside at all, even my groceries are ordered on-line.  But in the last 2 weeks a wide variety of errands and meetings have sent me into the center of tourist and shopping Meccas.  All things holiday have been in my face.

I will say in my defence that avoiding stores has generally  abated any general "want" for things.  But with the holidays upon us I have wanted to show the great holiday displays to the boys.  And the displays all lead to 'sales', sales of rather cool things to have, which are rather cool things that I don't need, which in turn reminds me how I'm not spending money.  

Bottom line, I didn't really feel that poor until the holidays hit.

So.... Given I was sick last year and the boys didn't see Santa, I was determined to have it happen this year.  My lovely hubby is not one for lines, so I sought out a NYC Santa known to have a very short line; a trip to ABC Home & Carpet downtown.  And guess what, this Santa didn't disappoint.  

He really was an old guy with a great real beard.  He sat in a beautiful chair in a small private corner of the building.  He was friendly and gentle.  The whole store is magical at this time of the year and it wasn't lost on the boys.  I didn't tell the boys we were there to see Santa until I had assessed the line wait time, but it looked good and they were willing. We happen to be the last two kids before he took the 2 pm break to feed the reindeer.   When he was done with us, we watched as he left, and frankly he could barely walk when he stood up. 

The Little Man (reminder, he's 3 years old) was suspicious and standoffish.  He got into the act only at the end of the visit when he saw that big brother was getting a lollie.  Lollies have long ruled supreme in our household.  But the Big Boy (reminder, he's 5 years old) was into it; amazingly reverent and respectful.  Rather in awe of the big guy.  It was beautiful.  

And the Big Boy, he kept telling me how this was the "best day ever" as he got ride the bus all the way down town and to meet the real Santa Clause.  His enthusiasm continued until the next day at school he told all the other kids how he met the real Santa Claus at "ABC" which created a commotion of kids asking to go and kids claiming he's also at Macy's.  One little boy was crying that he wanted to go, but was informed he was Jewish.  Later the mom told me she'd take him to Santa, but there will be no Christmas tree.  Which just reminds me of why I love New York, we all just make it work here.

Since the visit there have been numerous discussions about what type of carrots Santa's reindeer prefer, which of course is the type with the green stems still attached.  What type of cookies is optimal, which is a debate between chocolate chip or peanut butter with chocolate kisses in the center.  And whether we should leave milk or beer for Santa - a helpful doorman didn't understand how much of a believer we have on our hands.  But we are prepping for the visit already.

To me it is magical.  The Big Boy is not asking for anything, he believes Santa will bring him something, but isn't asking for any specific toy, he just wants the man to show up.  He understands Santa won't come until 'a creature isn't stirring', so he wants to go to sleep as soon as the sun sets on Christmas Eve (which is actually like 4 pm in the afternoon)!  He wants to be good, so Santa comes.  He wants his brother to be good so they both get something.  

The Little Man, however, is a bit perplexed by the Big Boy's fervor. He's along for the ride, but he's not really a believer.  The Little Man is up for the idea of receiving presents and seems to be cool with the fact that we have a tree in the corner of the living room.  But, he is unclear about the Santa in the middle of the night bit.  Frankly, this is about where our Big Boy was two years ago, I just didn't know it would shift so quickly.  

I've been taking the boys to places to see decorated store windows, great Christmas lights, and all sorts of random holiday stuff - yes they are NYers so they have learned the dradle song, they know Kwanzaa is coming, and they made latkes at school today.  But the man in red rules.  

In a tough year, where frankly I need to keep believing in magic, it is a really cool that the Big Boy can remind me how to believe. It should be Thanksgiving really, I've been learning so much from this soon to be 5 year old.

Nice people

So... the people who answer the phone at Poison Control are really the nicest people!

But let me back up.  There are things I care about which my husband doesn't.  I typically try to present an argument for my reasoning, which he typically ignores.  I then try to just cover his end of the issue with my own action.  Then I start to redirect the entire family to avoid the emergency I for see. For the most part, I'm just "a worry wort".

So the battle over items on his dresser top started when the Big Boy was born. I thought the loose change could just as easily go in a piggy bank as on the top of the dresser.  So, I informed, explained what a chocking hazard it could be and bought an attractive piggy bank.  The piggy bank was ignored.  Every day, multiple time a day, if I noticed loose change I would grab it and put it in the piggy bank.  After a couple weeks, I "cashed it in" in front of him and bought something for me. As soon as the Big Boy was big enough to pick up a coin, I taught him the thrill of putting it in the piggy bank.  This lowered the risk if I missed a penny.

Then came the discussion that while I understand his quest for perfect health and desire to live forever, the daily multi-vitamin regime, and I mean over 10 pills a day, needed to be out of the reach of little hands.  These moved from the kitchen counter to his bedroom closet.  But then occasionally there would be a pill on the dresser top and I would go ballistic; or "Over React".

So, when the Little Man came walking to me with a funny look on his face, from Daddy's dresser, I asked what was wrong to which he stuck out a red tainted tongue made a sick face and asked for water, I FREAKED!  I stuck my fingers in his mouth found chewed bits of pill, which when I licked my finger tasted horrible.  

A quick review of the dresser top produced a used blister pack that said "ant" and 30 mg.  I immediately called the hubby and asked what was on his dresser.  He didn't know.  I informed him he was a complete @#$&*&(&, needed to get home immediately,  as he was taking Little Man to the emergency room and hung up.  

Next I called the lovely folks at Poison Control.

The lady was cool and calm.  She never seemed alarmed or passed judgement.  She really just tried to help.  First we had to identify what he took.  We knew it was tiny, red, 30 mg and ended in "ant".  I guessed the most likely word was "decongestant".  She identified it as a Sudafed.  Good news, the Little Man can handle it, but would be hyper for a while.  Scary news, if it had been something else we could have been pumping his stomach.  

And the Little Man, he was a trooper.  He knew I was upset, mad, working fast, but he was right there staying calm but wanting water.  Once I relaxed, he did too.

So I choose to focus on the positive.  First, he's fine.  Second, the poison control people are really lovely. Third, he's very unlikely to go through that again.  Finally, with the reorganization of our lives and some furniture arranging in our future, I think the dresser is going!

 

Bartender?

So the Big Boy, Little Man were in the bedroom playing while I was prepping dinner when I heard the Big Boy say, "Let's play soccer!"
Daddy, "OK"
Big Boy, "I get to be the Bartender!"
Daddy, "Bartender?"
Big Boy, "Yeah, the bartender that keeps the ball out of the goal!"
Daddy, " You mean Goal Tender."

Maybe I drink to much?

Love without sight

Today I needed to pick up batteries and while I was at the store, which was not busy, the four cashiers were discussing another cashier (which I hope was on break) who had fallen "in love" via a pen pal relationship. They were trying to decide if it was actually possible to fall in love with someone you have never met face to face.

It was a fascinating debate, but they were confusing some issues. I think it is totally possible to fall in love with someone you have never met. In "olden days" courtship was often via the written word. And when you think about the adoption community, we bond and totally fall in love with a photos or an idea of a child.

The real issue is in my opinion, that the cashiers were trying to work out is - if can you fall in love with someone you haven't met, can you meet and still carve out a life together? Furthermore, I amazingly kept my mouth shut and didn't jump into the conversation.

Arranged marriages happen in many parts of the world, and even in NY (I've known a few). These are people that often only know the 'family' of but don't know the individual. How would out adoption 'adjustments' gone differently if our kids where articulate enough to tell us what they were thinking before they joined us via a pen pal relationship. Imagine their ability to tell us about their culture and what parts of it was important to them; to tell us what they aim for in life; to tell us what happened in their past from their point of view. Well, that just didn't happen.

But my Little Man is of such size I can pick him up and move him when needed. I can make him wear the close I choose. I take him where I think he should go. So comparing a romantic relationship to that of one we have with a child is not fair. But it did make me think if the couple could correspond honestly, then yes, I think they have a chance. I'm in an arranged marriage with this kid, without any 'family' knowledge, and yes, we make it work, sometimes - on an odd number Tuesday when I'm swinging a chicken by one leg in a circle around my head - flourish!

Updates, yea been a while

I know its been a while since I've written when my parents email me asking for a phone call to hear how everything is going. Guess it say something htat I'm updating this tired tonight rather than calling my folks (really no insult intended.)

Its been up and down. I was so proud of what I had accomplished in the last year, then the reality sinks in of how much of my savings we have eaten into and what I need to get going forward. And I sink again. It is intimidating. But generally I have hope. This is the life I set up, its just requiring 24/7 effort to get it done.

The Big Boy had his 5th Birthday party today. It was still a creative extravaganza (more on this below), but it was a small number of kids (actually due to travel and colds, only two, was expecting five) - both his choice. It was Viking themed. Vikings as in the original pirates before guns were available. For arts and crafts they made a treasure map and weapons (shields, axes, spears, oars). For the activities, they played in a viking ship I made from Norman shipping boxes (photos later, but the sail was a matching table cloth to the dinner paper plates which made the shields!). They wore tunics of brown with gold belts, viking helmets and I sent them on a treasure hunt from our apartment, to the doormen, to the basement (where they had to find a clue in one of the dryers in the laundry and back to our apartment). For food, like vikings, all with their fingers; fried chicken legs, corn on the cob and Pringles. The cup cakes tasted great. Really the best ever. But instead of looking like vikings they looked like odd shaped Teddy bears. The Big Boy LOVED it! so for him, its about the event, the activities, the breaking from the norm. And if he only has one friend there for the whole time, well, that's perfect! Amazing.

Norman just got picked up as a smart toy for value in the New Jersey Ledger, that sent rising sales higher this weekend. Which is great. Overall, I'm not totally on my target (which was a bit of a day dream), but the reality is that he is moving and there is nothing to complain about. Also about half the orders are doing the toy/book combo, which really makes me happy. I'll be able to buy another couple Smiles with Smile Train this week and Nanny care with Half the Sky!

Norman has also been doing well with "ThingNeverKnewExisted.com" it is a catalog of silly things but they are moving my man, which makes me happy.

I need to start the year focusing a bit more on consulting, which is hard. But I had three paying gigs for the fist time in several weeks, last week. And one more before year end.

We've decided its time to close my husband's office. He is a talented film maker, but the cost of the office vs. working from home just doesn't make sense at this point. There were growing pains in the decision making. And I'm expecting more discomfort as the reality actually sinks in. I don't mind working from home, and frankly do not have enough time in my day. But I don't think he'll be accustomed to the work flow and interruptions that happen around here. Of course, this also means some major cleaning, rearranging and selling of furniture to make it all happen, which is going to be interesting.

So, I want to write some fun stuff next time, such as what I love about the holiday (P.S. Went down to the in-laws for Thanksgiving and had a GREAT time), what recessionary items are on my mind (people lost, people gained, and things I no longer do) as well as Things the kids are teaching me (I still need to learn so much!!!).

So, I hope to not disappear for weeks, but it is the last big push of Norman before the holidays. Best to you all!

Happy Anniversary to me!

So one year ago today my group was called into a conference room and told that we would not have jobs, that we needed to pack up and be out within an hour, that we would not be receiving our contracted pay. WOW!

I've not known a year to fly by so fast. It is so long ago, I almost don't remember what life was like getting on the subway every weekday morning. Missing the warm summer afternoons in the park, missing the snow days with sledding. Yet, it seems like yesterday and I'm still at the very beginning of this adventure I've started.

Today I lifted 1.1 tons, 2,2187 lbs, literally! and it felt good! It was my second run of Norman, all 91 boxes were lifted by me and distributed to all the hiding places I found around the apartment (OK "hiding" might be too strong of a word, but places where they wouldn't stop our general movements).

This week I completed my 5th trade show, representing the product, and had our greatest success to date - Norman will soon be appearing in the National Zoo in Washington DC, as well as in the Ohio Caverns! I finally meet with a book keeper who's going to help me organize it all. I'm meeting with girlfriends tonight. And I made ham and cheese crepes with the boys this morning.

I am consulting, running a business, and frankly happy. I wish there was more time for working, working out, cooking, eating and sleeping. I wish it was summer all the time. But you know what... one year later... I am making it happen and having fun!

A year ago, I was even in a very different place as a mother. The Little Man had only been with us for a few months, and I thought I was losing my mind. Adoption transition was not easy. I was still thinking I had made a mistake. But now, I have two loving boys that both have their moments, but are making me a stronger person every day.

My first goal was to launch the businesses. My goals for the next year are huge, but again I feel like they are possible. I face challenges and fears daily. There are days that are hard to get out of bed (well, there were last month). And how I push through not only amazes me, but inspires me to keep going.

And do I miss it? Wall Street, being a desk job, or even the work.... NO!!! I've got such more exciting and interesting things to think about, work on, move that I can't wait to see what this next year brings. What a difference a year makes. What an opportunity was handed to me by my old Wall Street employer. yeah, I'll have more than one cocktail tonight.

Rambling thoughts

Or maybe more apt, learning about myself.

Tonight I'm in a hotel, sorry, no a motel, room in the South. I can see light around the frame of the door, and hear the freeway louder then when I was driving (because of course the car doors seal when closed). I'm on the second floor, with a deadbolt lock and a chain. Its a Best Western. And it kind of suits me.

I haven't staid in budget hotels since I was a kid. When I was a kid we traveled via car everywhere and often with a trailer. I liked the trailer. But sometimes we stayed in a motel and "snuck" the dog in.

It's funny, but I kind of like the freedom. I don't have to keep it clean. I don't have to answer to my hubby or kids. And the internet access is free so I'm writing a bit and catching up on emails. If hubby was here, he'd be complaining about the mildew smell, the traffic volume and the lack of room service. He would not be able to sleep, he'd work up an asthma attack from anxiety and blame it on the mildew. I love him, but staying here without him is good.

They have a free breakfast of cold cereal and tea/coffee, that I quite like. Hubby would hate it. I think the boys would love it as you have to turn a crank for the cereal to come out. I think the boys would never know it was a dump, but view it as an adventure. Frankly, I don't think they care where we are as long as we are together (lesson about 100,000 that they are teaching me).

Today was day two of a trade show where I am selling Normans. It was a good day! Norman will be selling in zoos in Buffalo NY, North Carolina, and one in Virginia among other gift shops in the south east that are buying. It thrills me, but the real icing on the cake is that they are buying the books too! Yes, check out www.phartephant.com, the book is now available. The zoos are loving the story. And eventually I will get photos of the book up on the site. I'd been waiting, as I was sold out of Normans, but I got the call today and the shipment is scheduled for Wednesday, so I'm back in supply. YEAH!

I went to a Wal Mart for the very first time. Yes, I'm over 40 and this was my first visit. First of all it was huge! Second of all, the shopping carts were huge! Third, I was the only on buying yogurt and tangerines. (My room has a fridge the size of a shoe box - I LOVE it!); implying the other shoppers were, well, huge. I was shocked by the number of choices for everything. An entire isle of cereal, which by itself was the size of the typical crunched-for-space grocery to which I go. But the box sizes were all family size, which I just couldn't justify for only me. (LOVE the free breakfast here at the Best Western!)

But as I walked the store, like a deer caught in headlights unable to look away and run to the door, I was amazed by the quality of the stuff. Yeah the prices are low, but the product is going to fall apart quickly. Mind you I had to check out the toy section due to Norman. They had plush toys without sound for $1-19 each. They had plushes that had electronics for $35. But all was lesser quality than my Norman ($25). No worries, you will not be finding Norman at Wal Mart or any other major chain in the near term! Also, no wine, the Wal Mart (and me) are in a dry county! I didn't even know these existed outside of Utah.

I did buy the boys matching hunting ski masks of bright orange for $3/each. Hubby will be horrified, but I think its a bit hilarious, and I think the boys will LOVE them, further horrifying hubby, which further makes them glorious.

But walking through Wal Mart, you see a slice of America that might not be good. We are so fixated on having "things" that we buy crap in bulk. It would be better to buy a better made product, but less of them, at a higher price, in my mind, than buying stuff that falls apart, in reality 'wasting' those few dollars spent. And let's not start talking about health care. let's just say I'm a fan of health care, not illness therapy.

Oh, more shocking news, for this trip I'm driving. Yeah, I do have a drivers license. I just haven't had a car for almost 20 years now! So honestly, I'm not a great driver. But hey, I'm in the South, I fit in! Catch this... I'm driving a PT Cruiser! Isn't that awesome!

I'm enjoying driving the 2.8 miles from my motel to the trade show. Again showing my NYer side, in NYC there are limited restaurant chains, between my hotel and the site there are like 30 chain restaurants. From the Pancake house, to Shones, to Taco Bell, Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Ruby Tuesday, Outback Steakhouse, and more. There is also a museum of muscle cars, a go cart track, put-put golf, and the "Evil Kenevil Harley Davidson". I LOVE it. I did walk over to the Outback for dinner. It was kind of clear by how people gasped when they saw me, most people don't choose to walk. But the chicken wings were totally worth the walk!

So I may be a NYer, I may LOVE living in NYC, but can I have fun here where everyone has accents and a shocking number of people are missing teeth... YES! I miss the kids, but if I do this show next year, I am definitely bringing them to this amazing piece of hillbilly heaven and showing them that mommy does drive!

Could I be a Type A mom?

I really have never thought of myself as a type A mom. There are so many things I really am not very good at.... the whole patience thing for one, dealing with an abundance of snot (the preschool teachers have already noted that my kids know how to blow their own noses, and cleanly), and don't get me started on potty training (I figure they'll figure it out before college).

But this week is teaching me a bit about myself. After a slight cold last week, which always pushes me down emotionally and slightly behind professionally, this week is frightening. I feel good. I have two consulting gigs - YEAH! I'm sold out of Normans and just yelled at my manufacturer as they are now 4 weeks late; supposedly they docked in New Jersey today, but if you know anything about New Yorkers, we believe New Jersey is as far as the North Pole. I have a few, but I can't make my wholesale orders! But, this is actually a good problem to have.
I'm leaving for a trade show on Thursday; this is a good one, in the Smokey mountains, in the hills of Kentucky - I'm actually renting a car and driving 2 hours from the closest airport. This show caters to; museums, zoos, aquariums, and "caves". Love the caves, I so hope I get a cave buyer just so I can say Norman is selling at "caves"!

The hubby is directing a play Saturday night, which means he's had rehearsals for the last two weeks and all this week in the evenings which lets me have the boys to myself (also read, get the kids on schedule with no major interruptions).

The sitter went to visit her mom for a week. Her mom is not well, so this is an important trip. However, after the scare last week, I think it is really important for her to reconnect with family.

The Little Man is now going to preschool from 9 am to noon five days a week and then six 45 minute therapy sessions in the afternoons on top of preschool - I must say, he's doing well and LOVING therapy! The Big Boy is in school from 8:45 to 2:30 pm. No extra curriculum activities.

So when I noticed there was a birthday party for the Big boy to attend on the east side of town (we live on the west, and frankly it is easier to get uptown or downtown than over to the east side), I started juggling to see how we could make it all happen. I mentioned to one of the other sitters, if she took the Little Man to play with her youngest charge, I could take the two older boys to the party. She informed me that while the party was for a kid in the class, neither of the boys actually played with the little girl much and it is a pain to get to the east side and back, we should just skip the party.

WOW. What a great and simple solution! And really he goes to like 50 parties a year. Have I really become a Type A parent? It is always good to be reminded that being invited doesn't mean you HAVE to attend. I have to go now, I'm going to write a thank you note to the mom who I don't know to thank her for inviting us to the party of her child whom I don't know, and that I would love to have a play date sometime and get to know them, but the party just didn't work out for us this time!

Oh, I have to find time to post on Halloween at some point. It was really fun this year. And one of the Big boys preschool teachers, a man, dressed as the King of Ferries - It works on so many levels for the NY crowd!

Losing my mind - and not in small pieces

On my list of one thousand things I need to do today is to update the blog. It is not that I don't want to write, its just been crazy here. And not for any specifid reason, just taking 3 days unplugged really gets me behind.

I've had a few really down days, just the overwhelming of all that is on my shoulders, but I'm better today. I'm going to schedule an GYN visit, I think its perimenopause - really not kidding! that bad! Next week I'm off to the smoky mountains of Tenesse next Thursday for 6 days, big trade show. Oddly I need the time away. I have to start nailing down my direction so I'm not pulled every direction, for example, right now I'm blogging when I should be trying to complete some consulting work so I can bake the cookies I promised school for tomorrow and at the same time drafting a press release for the book (Norman) which is out, but I can't send the press release until I take the book photos. Yeah Don't forget a trip to the liquor store!

On Disney - It was great, it was hell. Don't ever try to manuever around disney with a 3 and a 4 year old by yourself when you are all hot and hungry. To solve the hot, ran in a building that had food. Feed the boys. All went better from there! At some point I'll load photos and more thoughts but here's a bit:
- they loved Mickey Mouse gave him hugs and kisses but refused to get near Minnie Mouse.
- it was awesome to meet my cyber friends which are my orphanage family.
- I think the Little Man remembered some of his friends. He clearly plaid favorites.
- The Big boy loved his new friends, and want to see them again tonight.
- I think the mommies need more bonding time; guess what it is impossible to have a conversation with your children in the room.
- I think daddy needs to babysit more.

So, off to do my work, start cookies, and the photo, well, that will have to wait another day!

Family, or some facsimile

When you have a child, you start a family. When you adopt, you become a family AND you become part of a village.

A village that sneaks up on you in the middle of the night. A village of courageous, child hungry people, that have some inkling of really understanding what you are feeling even when you are lacking the right words to express it, and even if they are not feeling the same thing at the moment.

Sometimes it is an invisible village, of connections across continents, states, or worlds. Sometime it is the neighbor next door, or the preschool teacher who shares her story. But while invisible, it is there, it is palatable, and when called upon it steps forward.

There are friends, there are work friends, there are work out buddies, but there is just separate stratum of emotion and bond for my mommy friends and my adoption-mom friends. We stop worlds for one another, we move mountains, and we don't even have to talk regularly.

Tomorrow I take a leap. I'm spending 3 days with four families that share an amazing bond. We have photos of our children together in an orphanage. We live across the country. We have differing religious beliefs, economic realities, family make-up, and style. But we have something in common, a process that chose us to find one another, and we took the call once found to keep it going. So we are gathering.

And on the eve of our gathering, it feels like I'm getting ready go be with family.

I'm not blogging this weekend. Talk to you on Monday.

Nature

It is that time of the year when our annual visit from the lady bugs start.

I don't know, its just soothing that they view us as a regular visit. It is calming, I mean really, it is not like a lady bug is intimidating.

On the side of our apartment that faces the park, it is also the side that gets the heating rays of the afternoon sun, the lady bugs swarm. Yesterday was the first noticeable day, we had about 50 in the kitchen and about 30 in the boys' room. They mostly hang by the windows, the curtains, the ceiling; but hardly ever do we find them more than 2-3 feet from the window. Of course, I also have the windows open. I expect today we'll have a couple hundred and by a week from now they are down to just 10-15.

It typically starts when the weather gets cold, but then warms up one last time in late October. And as long as I keep the windows open, we get to watch them migrate when the sun goes down; they fly back out the windows (except maybe one or two, but even these "old guys" stay near the window all night.

The boys like me to catch one for them and put it on their hands/arms. They are both gentle. It is funny though, that we've come to accept their presence and enjoy their annual visit. At least this year The Little Man isn't trying to eat them.

The boys mentioned it to the doormen and the doormen then asked if I wanted the exterminator sent up. I was shocked, why? They seem harmless and they leave at the end of the day. Given our doorman are island souls, they were totally cool with my choice, one even asked if he could come see them.

I'll try to remember to take a photo this afternoon. After yesterday, its good to look forward to an afternoon with the bugs.

What a day

I've had an interesting day. One, I really have no interest in reliving.

I had just sent the boys to school with the sitter, The groom had left for the gym, I'm in my pajamas, still in glasses (not contact lenses), when the sitter calls me crying. She is laying on the ground and has been hit by a car, the kids are fine, she's in pain. I tell her to start screaming at people to call 911, and I run out the door, down the street, in my pajamas.

She was only a couple blocks from our house and a block from school. Which means, people know us. People were with her, the police were there, the ambulance was pulling up, the nanny mafia had my children a safe distance away. She was clearly in shock, and worse, intimidated and afraid of people in authority, left unable to talk.

I'm an aggressive soul, I usually have no problem telling people what to do and taking charge, but when it comes to police, they really don't want a woman in her pajamas with bad breath, who is panting from running, telling them what to do. But yeah, we marched forward and they let me ride in the ambulance even though I wasn't "family" (really we are, it's just not by blood, and boy do I understand that).

The nanny network got the kids to school. This is something us city souls come to rely on, but the nanny network is faster than twitter. Many believe there is an invisible bond between souls (a red thread), but the nanny network, it is not invisible, you need not be family, it is just there. And I've come to trust it and thank its existence more times then countable.

Thank god at the ER we got a young female Latino doctor. I think an aggressive man poking and prodding would have put her in a coma (note - my sitter is Muslin, so I thank Allah it was a woman helping her undress). Who knows what kind of rage that would have brought out in me. But the little Latino, with hoop earrings, a head band, and half my age was what we both needed.

Tonight, I'm glad it all worked out. I'm glad she is fine - no broken bones, just bruises and more bruises likely to come in the next few days. The boys are fine, they tipped over, they were the talk of preschool and want to talk about it tonight. But they are fine.

And oddly, another opportunity for me to examine the definition of love and family. blood/genetics just doesn't count.

Real Life

Today a girlfriend called and asked if we could meet tonight. Of course, I said yes. It was great to see her, but I knew she needed to talk about something. It took awhile for the issue to present itself, but guess what, it wasn't anything that I hadn't grappled with myself. But it reminded me, we are more powerful as a collective than as an individual.

I had had a "bad" day today. Just bummed about stupid stuff, nothing important, and have a girlfriend over was the catalyst to getting me to finally take a shower today at 5 pm. Yes, I know that is a bit sad, but it was rainy and cold today, and I was down about not having a Norman sell after having the best week ever last week.

I also don't mean to trivialize her concerns. They are/were real, and an important part of her life at the moment. The provided the opportunity for me to pull myself out of my own pile of insecurities. And sorry that she was used in such a way. But grateful to be used as a sounding board.

None of us walk the planet in isolation. And I think we forget it a lot. Every magazine cover, article, news reel tells us how we should be better in 20 different ways. But, every issue I've ever faced, if I talked to enough people about it I eventually found someone who had been there and could tell me, "You too will survive." It is really amazing to me how consumed I can get about my own world, but then have the startling realization that I am not the first to blaze down a path. Not the first to feel like their world is collapsing, or even not as bad, the first to feel like things are just off balance enough to not feel any level of comfort.

I listened to my girlfriend. And I am an ok listener. I'm not great. I always have trouble not offering my opinion or sharing a story of when I was in a somewhat similar circumstance. But the one thing I know, is the feelings she shared are real. I don't have to lie. Her feelings are real. And maybe that was all she needed to know.

I'm so blessed to have people in my life that will listen. I'm even more blessed to have people that need to be listened to, as they bring up the issues I may have missed.

Tonight, I just want to tell everyone to talk more. Be honest about your feelings, and I promise, even though you may have to tell more than two people, you are unlikely to be alone. If all else fails, tell me. I'm here. I try my best to be a good listener, even though I know I could be better.

Shift in Perspective

As I sat in the pizza parlor at 2:30 this afternoon having a slice, singing along to an old Donna Summers song, I thought, "Who are these other people? Do they also work from home, creating silly worlds and marketing their products? Do they have ambitions to change the world? Are they making it happen, or are they just starting out like me?

Then I realized that a year ago I would have thought, "Don't these people have jobs? Why are they here at 2:30 in the afternoon?"

It is all just a huge shift in my reality.

Cooking under the Influence

This amazingly is a double entendre. Cooking while or after drinking, cooking inspired by the cries of whinny children.

Today the boys had a play date at a friends and the nanny of the friend would not let them eat a piece of a "beautiful" Halloween cake on the counter. As my sitter told me, "it had too much S-U-G-A" in it. Yes, my sitter only has a fourth grade vocabulary, but I work through her spellings - She is awesome with the kids and I trust her instinct if not her vocabulary.

So, anyways, the boys wanted to make a cake. This went fine, except they insisted on making a Halloween-pumpkin cake to show the nanny. We have no pumpkin shaped-tin. We have no pumpkin on hand. But I can make a yellow cake with lots of extra food coloring, I can make chocolate frosting, and yes, I still have little pumpkin sprinkles left from last year. So on with a not so pumpkin, pumpkin cake. All is well.

We make the cake. We get it in the oven. We get it out. We head to bath time.

Here's the problem. Daddy comes home while boys are in bath and surprises me with a martini. Of course, I don't wont to offend and drink it!

But what happens next. The sloped tier of the cake somehow ends up on the bottom of the layers. The frosting on top is uneven. The sprinkles, well the are adequately sprinkled on the cake, the counter top, the floor.

Does it taste good. Yes!
Do we have something to show off to the Nanny? Yes!
Do I care that there are sprinkles on the floor? No!

age check

So today I'm buying a few items at the grocery. As the gal rings up the stuff I say smiling, "Look I remembered by reusable bag today!"
She says, "Yeah, my mom forgets hers all the time too."
No longer smiling.

My dirty little cooking secret.

Just like every other mother on the planet that has walked through a grocery store, I see the headlines. We are a fat nation. We are a fat nation getting fatter. And I think, “not on my watch, not my family!” I know a polyester-saturated fat is a no-no (along with polyester wearing in general). I've read up on grass-feed vs. grain-feed animals. I want to be human to our four legged friends. I don’t need any more corn in our diet than that we can bite off a cob.

I am convinced I can to feed my family "healthy" food, in portions that wouldn't stuff an elephant. Believing that if I keep the changes subtle and don’t actually tell them of the mission I’ve accepted, it might work! However, once in the trenches, it is harder than I expected. With two toddlers and a husband that believes every meal should be worthy of a Michelin star, there are a few restrictions on what my family will actually eat.

Basically nothing green should be on their plate. Thinking I might be able to desensitize the boys, I started with food coloring. I explained that there is kitchen magic, showed them the bottles, and we ate rainbow-colored eggs for breakfast for a week (yes, inspired by 'green' eggs and ham). However, it turns out my boys have a great instinct about when it is food coloring and when it could actually be an item that is intrinsically green. Instead of not sounding an alarm when a green “thing” is on their plate, I ended up staining our dish towels, which really makes me wonder how healthy is the food coloring?

I pureed vegetables so there would be no chance of, "mommy, pick it out." But that too failed, leading to all my food presentations becoming suspect for a time. And, I think we are all happy not to have a baby food for dinner.

The general idea of ‘whole grain’ is lost on my family. The boys don’t like seeds or nuts in their food. Picking off sesame seeds of a bun tries my patience. And after telling the sunflower seeds were mouse turds –in a moment of mommy insanity where I thought it might appeal to their gross side– they won’t touch them. Let alone show any interest in bread that "looks dirty".

But these comments, this ridiculous snobbery, it doesn't faze me. I march on. I'm on a mission to make us all healthier as long as I'm still the meal planner, the grocery shopper, lead provider of food for this household. I bought smaller plates to make the portions look bigger. This worked; no one noticed. YEAH! I've included the boys in the cooking so they'll have greater interest in tasting their creations. This kind of worked; at least they are touching vegetables.

Then I discovered vegetarian cooking.

If you want to find great ways to spice up veggies, then vegetarian cookbooks it is! This is not your Betty Crocker overly sauteed limp no longer white cauliflower. This is Indian spices, amazing flavors that jump on the tongue and slow cooked veggie soups that scent the air. This is meatless meatballs, meatloaf and hamburgers that are actually tasty if you slather on BBQ sauce to hide evidence of vegetable involvement.

Now having moved into vegetarian cookbooks for 'healthier' choices and not to actually become a vegetarian... I found... on a dark cold night when I wanted to use up left over chicken fingers in the fridge... and after a glass of wine because I needed it… if you want really great tasting healthy meals... this is so ghoulish, but it even kept my husband from complaining... go ahead, add the meat.

I may be sinning against the great vegetarian cookbook rules, I may be banned from all vegetarians outlets from here hence forward, but I tell you, add the meat. The kids loved the new flavors. My husband was surprised at having new tasty choices on the table. And I just didn’t think it was respectful to let all the shrimp, chicken and ground beef in the freezer go to waste.

Poopie

Today the Little Man walked in my office from playing quietly with the train track in the other room and announced happily, "I have poopie."
So I said, "Wow, Where did it come from?"
He said, "My bottom."

So much for the anatomy lessons.

Update, in brief, on everything

Foot - I went to the gym with my ankle wrapped yesterday. It was good to go, I ache all over, and no, I did not jump. It was oddly unsatisfying to not be able to give it my all, but I don't want to go back to crutches.

Preschool - Both boys are going and seem to love it, except at that one moment when who ever is dropping them off tries to leave. I like their teachers and have volunteered to do Halloween cookies in both classes.

Little Man therapy - I met with the judge yesterday. Besides being a handsome guy, he was generous. So now I'm off to the agency to get speech, physical and vocational therapy going! Yeah!

Big Boy - He has suddenly become interested in all things athletic. He has a skate board, wants a scooter, is dribbling a basket ball, has gone hiking with friends and loves it all. Mind you he also recently went to two wheels on his bike. Yeah, I have helmets, pads and band aides of every shape and size around the house.

Norman - He is moving! I'm down to my last 6 boxes at the house, but there is a half container heading this way from China. I was on ABC World News Now, and Fox Business Network. Go to www.PhartEphant.com to see clips. They actually are funny to me! Retail locations also listed on the site; we are now in over 20 stores in the US and Canada.

Book - Don't get too excited, I'm self-publishing, but it is going great. I signed off on the picture book with the printers today. I'm not happy with the coloring book, but I think I know how to fix it, so hopefully we'll do final sign off on that next week. I've ordered clear bags that can become a gift bag option for the retailers which will include a Norman, a book (picture or coloring) and crayons. I hope to have this ready for my next trade show November 5th! Amazingly, book #2 illustration work has begun.

New characters - two of Norman's friends have gone into prototype stage. Drawings are done and the factory is starting patterns. Goal to have prototypes locked down for the Toy Fair Trade Show in February.

My Writing - clearly got shelved for a bit. But I'm starting to get ideas again and look forward to exploring some silly topics soon. I think not exercising and all the work, work, got me off. But I hope to write more.

Yes, I'm alive

So to those of you who send emails, yes I'm alive. It turns out doing four trade shows in six weeks as well as starting preschool, potentially three tv interviews that turned into one, one rescheduled for this Wednesday at 5:45 pm (Fox Business Channel, the "Happy Hour") and one still waiting to reschedule was a lot.

So today's great news - I got my first wholesaler order from a shop that called and said, "I had someone come into my store ask for your product, so I looked it up, liked it and I'd like to order." From a store in CANADA!!

Today's real life - This morning the Big Boy went poop in the toilet so the Little Man decided he should too, but in his little potty. The Little Man did a poopie, and called us to look at it. While we were saying "good bye poopie", he peed on the floor beside the toilet. I picked him up and put him in the tub. But while I was cleaning the pee, he managed to poop again in the tub. Really!! Just another day of being mom. So when all was clean I returned to the kitchen table to eat my cold omelette and no longer steaming tea.

I'll write more but bottom line, I'm so busy I haven't been writing, but I have been busy with work and shipping Normans.

By the way the first Norman PhartEphant story is now fully illustrated, completed by a book designer and at the printers.

no more training wheels

Yes, it is the end of summer, and Yes, I had been meaning to get to this quite a bit sooner, but we got out in the evening and finally made a go without training wheels.

There are very few moments in life when I feel breathless. Where I just stand with my mouth open watching. Stunned. Amazed. But not in a fearful way; unfortunately had a few of those. I've had two this summer.

The first was in July. I was standing in a stream in a field in Provence, France in a photo workshop waiting for wild horses to run by. They did. It was breath taking. Just to see fluidity in motion, muscle in action and a scene/situation I had never previously encountered. Photos ensued.

The Second, just the other night, watching my eldest leave my arms and pedal, pedal, pedal. It was motion, a bit herky-jerky motion, but it was beautiful. He didn't stop, he kept going until I had to breath again. Even the Little Man sat in a stunned silence to see the Big Boy go. He was prepped. We had watched a Frankly episode where he took off his training wheels. He was prepared. He was wearing knee pads, elbow pads and his helmet. He was in the zone. On the walk out we discussed that he already knew how to ride a bike. He's been riding with training wheels for a year. The only thing that would be new was starting and stopping. Then in an instant it happened, he became a rider. When I pushed him off, he pedaled. Really it was magical.

The bike is a bit too big for him so he needs help starting, but he's already learned to slow the bike, kick his leg over and jump off. Amazing. It might be a bite crude to compare my child to a group of wild animals, but there is a similarity of entering the unknown, lacking expectations, and being amazed by the result before your eyes. But the difference, I'm so proud of him. He is proud of himself, but I too am proud of him. I know he was a bit scared. He wanted the pads. But he took the challenge and met it. Just the coolest thing in the world to watch.

Bird Feeder Update

I can’t say how much I’ve come to love the bird feeder in our kitchen window. While I thought it would be fun and educational, I’m shocked at how often I find myself wandering into the kitchen just to check out the action (this has not helped my waste line).

The birds that know about are feeder are generally pretty friendly and there are clearly many birds we are feeding at this point . They have become accustomed to our presence. As long as we don’t tap on the glass of the window, they are quite willing to hang out with us in the kitchen. Oddly, I believe they sense when we have company over and are a bit quicker to fly away from our guests.

After a day of rain, which meant very few bird visits, I reached out to fill the feeder, and the birds were hover close while my hand was still out the window. Now if the feeder goes empty, they tend to polish it off in one day, they sit in the window and demand food rather loudly. We are now going through a 5 lb bag of food every other week!

Finally one bird, well at least one to our knowledge, had the courage to explore our apartment. Unfortunately it chose its daring escapade when my husband was in charge. My lovely groom takes it as a bit of a personal affront that the bird entered the kitchen. But as my older son explains, they just kept waving their arms until the bird figured out it was a “good idea” to turn and leave. This incident started the adult request that I keep the window above the feeder closed if I’m going to keep feeding them.

But it was the beginning of a new new debate has shaped among the adults in the household on whether we should be feeding these "flying rats". I was winning until the pigeons found us; then yes, I conceded to bring it down as a lot, and I do mean a lot, of "poopy" was suddenly mounting on the window seal.

However, I don't want to wast the food, so when the lovely groom is out, and I want lunch time company, I put the feeder out, eat a sandwich in the kitchen and chat with the birds. I'm sure he'll not figure out my folly as I keep the bird feeder hidden with the cleaning supplies. The boys, they are back to making piles of food on the side walk and then counting as the customers fly in.

Mosquito Stink

Last night, as I lay in bed, in a mosquito stink, I think "this can not possible work". With my all natural insect repellent on I am in a citrus fog. I smell of a perfectly ripe orange cut in two and dripping off the side of the plate. How in the world is this supposed to repel anything but my husband?

I am a pin cushion of exquisite content, filled with the blood that is a fine delicacy to all blood seeking creatures of the dawn, twilight and night. I am a find that these winged creatures of the dig into over and over. The boys are protected by some unlabeled stuff recommended to me that I smuggled over from China. It comes in a bottle that I plug into the electric socket and leave on all the time. It has no smell. The mosquitoes leave them alone. I have no idea what it is. I have no idea how to get more. So I ration it to only the boys' room as they really need protection.

Yes, I recognize I should have invested in screen windows before the economy tanked and I lost my job. But I kept thinking, I'll get it done before Spring, which of course didn't happen. Now I believe the only way to keep the blood suckers away is to seal all entrances and keep the air conditioning on at all times. The other option, no exposed skin. Which is why you’ll find me under the covers with socks and occasionally a hat.

A few years ago I became allergic to one of the ingredients in your standard deet containing insect repellent. During the day I may still use the deet, but only spraying on my clothes not my body. If you watch the "travel sized" bins, you will still find the 1 ounce sized 98.5% deet. LOVE IT! The smell is one of “I am chemicals that can kill you!” However, for nighttime/bedtime I don’t feel great about making my groom, who has occasional asthma, inhale my deet containing fragrance, so I switched to the natural stuff. Also I have less hives with the natural stuff. However, when I smell like a ripe potted plant, about to bear fruit, it is hard to believe I’m repelling the invaders of the night.

The worst are the little guys that go for your nose. The hover, tickling you until they evoke a sneeze. Which of course is preceded by a great inhalation. Before you sneeze there is a great intake of air when the little speared warrior could be inhaled deeply to places you’d rather not itch. Hopefully the expel, the sneeze, is forceful enough to dislodge any attachment before damage is induced.

I also hate the kill these blood thirsty savages while they are drinking. While there is satisfaction in a solid slap that produces a pancaked insect, the sight of my own blood (I hope) lets me know the swelling should still be anticipated.

So as I laid in my stink, I vowed when work picks up I will invest in the screen windows because there are glorious nights in the 60s when the breeze is so gentle as to allow the invaders to fly, but so nice as to create a crime if the air conditioning were to be used.

In an air cast

I don't write about everything the exact day it happens, as I know my parents are active readers of the blog. So, mom, go have a glass of wine and then come back and read the rest of this.

We went to the "county" on Friday to a friends house that had a pool. If I want the boys to jump on board with the idea I only have to say two things, going to "another city" where there is a "pool". I don't mention the bugs or lack of TV. It was a nice little get away and although we arrived with the rain, the boys went in the pool anyway.

We were done with dinner, my personal favorite of buns and burgers on the grill and it was time to head to the guest house when I took a turn for the worst. Literally, while holding the Little Man in my arms I stepped off the porch not realizing it and twisted my ankle and fell like a sack of potatoes. Good news, the porch was only 4-5 inches taller than the grass, and when I fell the Little Man was fine, but we both heard the gun shot which was the tendons in my ankle stretching for all their worth.

Ok, I'm in pain. I start to cry. Then the Little Man starts to cry. I try to tell him to go get Daddy, but now he is hysterical and won't leave me. I shout out to the Hubby, who looks out the window asks what I want and doesn't come out. I start to shout for our host. He yells back saying "where are you?" We were just in that moment when it turns dark, the porch light was out and I was out of view. "I'm on the ground by the porch and I'm not getting up. Go get my hubby so he can take the Little Man!" Finally action.

With the guys on the move, Little Man finally off my lap which happened to be on top of my ankle, I pulled myself over to the big bucket that had the juice boxes and beer and sunk my foot in. When I stopped crying, pulled myself together, I realized with my foot in a bucket of ice that long I should be feeling pain but I wasn't. Not a good sign. I reached down to find massive swelling and bumbs were I had none. Yes, my turn to visit the emergency room.

The emergency room was empty, they had me fill out one form and then took me straight to XRay. My host said he'd stay with me as he's already had a vasectomy, which was far more information, unnecessary information, than I needed. The doctor came by and prognosed it as a really bad sprain, no broken bones, but he was giving me an air cast and crutches. Estimated I wouldn't be walking for a few days, that I should "try to keep off my feet and the foot elevated" and produced a few Percocet for the night and a prescription for the morning.

Two and a half days later, I can put weight on the foot. But I haven't left the apartment. I'm feeling confident I will be well soon. I also know that two cocktails and a Tylenol are better at pain relief than a percocet. The boys believe the crutches are a great weapon to 'fight bad guys'.

Recessionarly Toes

When the economy hit my personal check book, there were a variety of items that disappeared from my life. Most with no great concern or notice. I stopped buying clothes and started enjoying digging to the bottom of the t-shirt drawer or the back of the closet to see what I might find. I gave up the fancy coffee drinks and fancy coffee places and rebuilt my relationship with the deli guy.

As summer rolled in, it became time for my bi-annual pedicure. Clearly, I'm not a 'girly-girl' or this would occur much more often than once (ok, maybe twice) through the summer and then again in the winter for the holiday party season. But, I thought, why not? I used to paint my toenails when I was a 12 years old, so what is stopping me from doing it now?

Well, paining your toe nails is not like riding your bike...it is a skill you lose over time! Confounding the matter, my preferences have also evolved. I like have the cuticles pushed back and the dead skin removed. I love the hot water soak followed by the foot message. I like sitting back and knowing the job will look great. My self-painted nails are a work out and they look good a couple showers post painting.

When I choose to do my own nails, I didn't realize:

• I'm not as flexible as I was when I was 10 years old. And I'm heavier, not fat, just slightly rounder. Combine those two new elements and critical self-examination of my toes became an activity to inspire sweat.
• Messaging your own feet is good, but not nearly as satisfying as when someone else does it.
• All fingernail polish is not alike. Some are thick and chunky (not a good sign) and others go on smooth. But as a novice in the beauty isle, it is hard to discern the difference from packaging alone.
• If you manage to pain more than the nail, like the supportive toe supplying the nail, the extra paint (or wasted paint) will wash off in about three showers, allowing your work to improve in appearance over time.
• If you are just sitting around waiting for your toes to dry, someone will knock on the door, the kids will have boo-boos that need kissing and the cat will become oddly affectionate.
• The kids that have never seen this process will find you more interesting then Sponge Bob and you'll have to let them in on the action (see above comment about stray paint).
• The children will run around the neighborhood sharing their version of the "I painted mommy's toe nail story".
• You will wonder if it is necessary to wear toe revealing sandals and investigate the alternatives.

But all is not lost. After trying a very thick yellow color that I managed to track through the house in a mysterious way for one who sat on the couch for the requisite 30 minutes, I discovered that I like having "peach" toes. I've discovered some old thin summer tennis shoes in my closet, and I've come to peace with just keeping the nails trim. But as the holiday season approaches, I don't think peach is going to work.

Trade Show #2, Day 3 - Going on National TV

Another solid day at the show! I'm really pleased with how it is going. Could it be better? Yes. But is it going well? Absolutely.

We have sales and orders to ship. We have gained multiple companies that want to stay in the loop on our progress and may eventually become retailers for us. Additionally, we have gained many contacts that I think will help us down the road.

Today, the Big Boy came to the show and got to see what was going on. I warned him ahead of time that there was nothing there we were allowed to buy. Only things to look at. While he was clearly excited by what he saw, and all the vendors love engaging a child with their wares, he was a really good boy and handled it all very well. And he already told me what he thinks our next product line should be.

Today offered a few surprises. I had one woman 15 minutes before the close of the day walk up and ask what our show special was. Three seconds later her husband caught up. She turned to him and said, order the show special and then meet me at booth #XX and walked out. It was great to have a customer return so determined.

On to national TV. It is confirmed. I will be appearing with Norman on the CBS's The Early Show on Saturday August 29th. This is so cool! They are doing a segment called, "Mother's of Invention" highlighting three Mompreneurs. Should be fun!

Trade Show #2, Day 2; Book Update

AWESOME Day! Great feedback on the product and line extensions. Some great sales and lots of people actually handing me their business card asking to stay informed of when the book is released and wanting to chat more on the toy! I'm very happy with the orders today.

Tomorrow is the corporate buyer day, so I'm really looking forward to that. I'm not really ready to go very, very large scale, but I'm interested in seeing who is interested in the product, the line, and what can be met.

Yeah, a small victory on this interesting road!

Second victory came in tonight. Kenny my illustrator sent me the first color spread for the book. I'm thrilled. We've worked through the sketches for the entire book, then to the pen and ink drawings, but now we are going through the creating color. Very cool.

On the boys, specifically the Big Boy. On Sundays we review the "calendar" to see if he achieved his goals and he gets a prize. So tonight when I gave him the star for 'letting mommy work' he reported "It was easy today. You were in the big building for the trade show. They don't let kids in to the trade show so I couldn't annoy you." I'll take this as a generally supportive comment, I'll find somehow to spin it that way.

On to trade show #2

So yesterday I went down and set up for my second trade show. Good news, so far a totally different experience!

How different:
1. It's in my home town, NYC
2. I was not the only Caucasian on the floor, in fact minorities (which I actually am as a Latina) were the minority.
3. I have a 10 ft. by 10ft. booth.
4. The air conditioning, while not on full force, was on.
5. The other vendors setting up looked impressive!
6. I was not the only 10 ft. by 10 ft space (at the last show the little booths were almost non-existent, but here it seems to be the majority, which I'm going to believe means more of the little guy like me!).
7. The food vendors were already open and serving people with a variety of food.
8. I have padding under my carpet.
9. They let me wheel in my own bags without drayage fees.
10. My hubby helped me set up (not necessarily a good thing as he told me everything he didn't like about my booth until I reminded him that those things cost money which means more meals at home, fewer dates.) which I am glad to have him see a bit of the business.

I will go in tomorrow hopeful. I have a young actor friend of my husband's helping me, and I think he is a great fit for the "Norman" image. I will take photos tomorrow of the booth and post them. I think my set up is a bit stronger this time around. I did go back to the first trade show entry and post a photo for that one.

Separate update on morning show - I had the "phone" interview with the producer, which I really think they just want to make sure you can answer a question. They are supposed to decide if the segment will be booked by Monday, so it is a long slow drum roll, but I hope to have good news to report in a few days.

Separate, Separate note - I got published as an author! I repackaged an old blog post as a short article and was published in a regional parenting magazine in their August issue. Of course they didn't tell me ahead of time, I found out today when I received a check in the mail with a copy of the article. Really, I'm very happy about it. This was a business idea, to gain a bit more "writing" credibility before publishing the Norman story.

idiotic; sometimes.

Recently I’ve noticed I’m kind of an idiot. It amuses me, slightly alarms me, but I think it is a fair observation. Let me expand.

I know how to pack a suitcase. And I happen to believe I’m a really good packer. Accordingly I spend entirely too much time making sure everything is properly aligned and fits. My husband and a few friends have even commented on my ability to get everything in a small space. They say watching me unpack is like watching the clowns exit the car at the circus. I say, “ I’m good with special issues, I can make it all fit.” In inspection I realize being compared to a circus act may not really be a compliment.

The dark side of being a good packer is that the more you can fit in a single bag, the heavier the bag becomes. Yes, I carry some really heavy bags. I kind of view it as a work out program, like a small physical challenge. I know packing heavy bags with "I can carry it" attitude doesn’t sound like all that bad. It really becomes concerning when you marry it to my number one personality flaw, fierce determination to do it all myself. Not just independence, but a “get the @#$*#(@! out of my way” attitude.

This is the scenario that got me thinking: the cab drops me off 10 yards from the airline out door check in. I have two huge, I mean big enough to hide a few small children, suitcases that hold my trade show kit. I also have one surprisingly heavy little carry on bag. The taxi driver grunts as he lifts the carry on bag out of the trunk. Then he suspiciously eyes the big bags. Of course, my personality flaws kick in and I pick up and move the two big bags and then tip the guy anyway (note another flaw; gluttonous tipping).

I stack the little bag on the smaller of the two bags and drag all three bags toward the check in desk. Note, there is a crack in the side walk 10 feet from the desk. I hit it. Top bag tries to fly. I catch it all as the baggage guy walks over to help me. I say no worries I got it all and wave him off. I walk five more feet to the desk. He looks at me and says, “Now you have to let me help you whether you want it or not.”

Light bulb. I’m an idiot. No doubt my bags are heavy, I weighed them before leaving the room (yes, this means I carry a luggage scale with me when I travel) they are just under the top acceptance level of 70 lbs each. And I have three bags which are hard for me to manage on my own. What am I thinking, combined they do weigh more than me. Yet, damn it, I’m going to do it all! I’m going to do it all by myself. I’m an idiot.

I forget that I can smile and ask for help. I can tip anyone who helps. I don’t need to be embarrassed by the size of my bags… I know its not all clothes and shoes. Furthermore the people, these random strangers who’s opinion I’m worried about, will never see me again. Bottom line, I need perspective. I need to quit being an idiot.

Trade show to National TV

So I've packed my bags - yes my whole kit fits into two large, and I do mean LARGE, suitcases. I'm done with the show, but I've learned something. Maybe even learned a lot.

This was not my target market. I want mom and pop stores, boutiques, that have a higher end product and care about the products they are selling. I want buyers that think the fact that part of the sale goes to charity; not those that think it is cutting the profit. I want people who love, adore, children and the product that go to them. They were not really at this show. But I'm excited about my next two shows, one starting in 3 days in NYC, that will be a better fit for me.

I learned how to set up my booth. I have made some changes and will expand a bit on my marketing for the next booth (I'll also be moving from a 5x10 to a 10x10 booth). I have worked on my pitch. I know where to pause to see if the buyer wants to walk away or more information. How to read the body language and respect time efficiency for both of us. I've learned that you don't pitch to everyone, not everyone carries your product category. I've gained ideas on line extensions, some which I think I can pull together for the holiday season this year!

And life is a teeter totter, while the show was a 'learning experience', other things were happening in the background. My part time publicist (only on board for a quick 2 month window), just scored a major booking for me on a national network morning show! I have a phone interview later today, which will seal the deal. Once all the approvals are in place I will tell you all about it! I'm so excited!

ASD Show Appears a Bust

I could be heart broken or depressed, but really I'm not. The show is a bust, I mean BUST!

It is totally the wrong venue for me, and if my buyers show up here it is only because they were as naive as I am. When I signed up, I did a few things right: I asked what was the price of goods being sold and was told "moderate", I also checked the list of last years vendors and saw the major plush houses listed. But in reality this is a "value/close out" show. The toys here are the mass merchandising products that you would find on Canal Street in NYC. Not even the stuff I like to buy for my boys. I didn't even know these vendors would need a show, I thought they just sold by catalogue.

There were signs during set up that I was not at my ideal venue, but I didn't know how to read these signs. Don't think this is racist, but I need to explain the reality; all the major vendors are Asian importers. No body was friendly with me. No one was speaking English. Everyone had major booths, 2-6 booth space, not the one off space of an interesting unique product like mine.

And when the show opened, most of the buyers were Asian distributors, and walked right passed me even though I said hello to everyone. A few folks have been willing to hear my pitch and like the product. However, they are at this show to get deals, and my price point is totally out side of their expected range. I'm simply at the wrong venue.

What I have heard overall in general advise before coming to the show is true. And I'm gaining a bit advice while at the show. So let me share:

• Try to visit a show before presenting - then you really know what it is like, but you'll have to wait another year to show. This good advice if you have the time to build your business and fly to these locations without a 'return'. But, one vendor told me that a few years ago I would have totally fit in here, but in the last two years the venue had really changed its stripes.
• Buyers want to see you before buying from you. It is true you need to get to the shows to meet the buyers, but it is clear that some are interviewing me and want to see me around before they start buying from me. While I think it is great to have a relationship, I think it is a silly reason for not carrying a product their customers may buy.
• Look at the list of vendors for fit. I agree, but I would add scrutinize the vendor list. Beyond seeing the big names in your category, do you see some of the smaller up and coming companies that you admire? If not, there might be a reason.
• You will meet people. Yes, I am still meeting some interesting folks. There is great resistancetheir business card. When asked most people say no. They'll take your information and follow you, but only those really interested in you product are willing to hand over their cards. And, given how much marketing materials and sampling costs, I'm cool with this attitude.
• There are sharks. Yes, I've already had a "business consultant" stop by and tell me why he thinks my businesses will fail and how he can help me. I promptly told him he has assumed an incorrect business plan and that this is the inappropriate venue to have such a discussion and I would be happy to see him leave my booth. At which time I also stood my full height and glared that "Mommy would really like to hit you" glare.
• Food at the Venues is terrible. Yes, but interestingly, they did bring in one food court just for the importers that serves only Asian style Asian food (vs. American style Asian food) which is really quite good although still ridiculously expensive. And hard to find.

There was one good comedic moment in the day. The lady beside me is selling some really strong smelling potpourri. I find it ironic that she is a smoker, which means it all smells less to her and stronger to me. Anyway a guy comes down the isle and takes a piece and throws it in his mouth thinking it was candy! I haven't seen anyone spit that violently in some time!

So, I am heading back to the show this morning. I will continue to be friendly, but honestly I'm a little tempted to leave the show a day early. We'll see how it goes today. And the biggest bummer. The pool closes at 6 pm, so I don't even get pool time.

Trade Show Set up

So today I'm in Las Vegas. After getting up at 5 am to catch a 7:30 flight, leading to a 10:30 am landing (with time change), checked into the hotel and then off to the Sands Convention center for trade show set up!

As the Big Boy says, "I'm going to go sell Normans so we can have more money and pay for school!" YEAH!

I'm putting Norman PhartEphant out there to the whole sale buyers!! This is how I found out if Fierce Fun Toys, LLC is going to make it as a real company or not! This show is a good but interesting fit for me, it is a general house & gift show including housewares, jewelry, gift & toys. I'm in the toy section.

To say I'm excited to be here is an understatement. The day went well, but I did find myself so intimidated that I had to go out for a walk. Of course the walking gave me ideas how to make the booth look better, which it does now, but I also sweated BIG time as it was about 100 degrees at 2 pm!

The show is humongous! There are bout 3,000 vendors and supposedly about 20,000 buyers coming. The place is so big that they had 18-wheeler trucks in the isles dropping of the various suppliers stuff.

I have a tiny booth, 5x10 feet. The other vendors have very professional looking set ups. I'm not. But I'm happy with mine. I will take a photo tomorrow. The other vendors also have 2-6 booths (not all but many of them), and I seem to be the only one out with only one product.
There are lots of stuffed animals, or "plush", but Norman seems pretty unique. I also have a couple draft copies of the book with me for pre-sale.

I actually do not "know" the person helping me in the booth tomorrow: it is a friend of a friend. But We've talked on the phone and she seemed nice and willing. Bottom line, I know I can't do it all by myself (see I am maturing!).

I'm not sure what my sale goals are. I've really struggled with coming to terms on what they should be. It seems like I should at least be able to do 2 sales orders an hour, from 9 am to 6 pm, which would be 18 orders. But that also seems pretty lame. But I just don't know?!? I can't wait to find out!

Part 2

Who knew you could find a bit of Arizona in Provence?

Here's the deal. I committed to blogging for one year. Guess what... it has been a year!

I promised myself not to reread what I had written for a year. I've started to peek, and guess what, holy crap batman, I've written a TON! And a lot of it more honest than my parents probably wanted. Obviously, more than my lovely groom thought possible. He, the lovely groom, is the one that brought up it has been a year and is it time for me to move on to other things, like paying more attention to him (you know that one hour 3x week he has been missing me). Well, he made me think about it. My thoughts:

• I blog because it makes my head calmer. Those little voices go away and the ideas stop bouncing around trapped in there.
• I blog as a way to keep my parents in the loop, as I'm totally not into talking on the phone, which I keep promising myself I will learn to do.
• I blog as a way to post the boys photos for extended family, its just easier then printing and sending.
• I worry about the blog because I'm sharing my thoughts a bit more than any of my family or extended relatives ever really thought I would. Now I'm not sure what they think of me, but the proof is that they keep coming back to read (maybe I am the family train wreck that everyone is watching?).
• I have focused the blog on my thoughts about parenting, being a parent and my obligations to the boys. It is not their point of view, it is not about them fully, it is about my reaction to everything.

So is it time to stop? I don't think so, but it is time for some changes.

I'll continue to share thoughts on the boys, parenting and living in a house where the toilet seats are up all the time and I seem to be the only one that flushes (really makes you want to visit!). I'm still just a private mommy blogger that doesn't mind if people follow along, but I'm not going big time and advertising, recruiting, or building my base (not that this is a bad thing, it happens to be some of my favorite reads on my reading list). I'm going to use nicknames for family members to protect their identities. And here are the changes; I'm going to widen the scope of my writing. I'm going to open the door on the craziness of my businesses, my adventures through real life, and occasionally I may just rant. And, I'm changing the nick names. I will continue to blog an entry within an hour, which means you will still see typos. I will continue to use this forum as if no one is reading it to quiet the voices in my head.

That's it, I'm looking forward to Part 2. I find it pathetic that I'm such a hard core optimist.