Hello

So a wide variety of things have happened lately...
1. I decided I couldn't honestly blog anymore - my emotions are really raw and I'm not ready to share it all with some of my closest friends and parents.
2. I love everyone who sends me notes, so I feel bad about not blogging.
3. I have to keep up Face Book and a blog on the Fierce Fun Toys website, so I'm pressed for writing time.

But the biggie -
I'm just keeping it more personal at the moment as I work through all the amazing, awesome and horrific stuff life is throwing me.

Before I sign off:
I'm seeking help from a variety of sources on bonding with the Little Man. The Big boy started at a new school with no hiccups, but struggling with asthma, which is totally surmountable, and already coming home with "gifts" from little girls in his class. Our home is for sale - which will help support my business choice, but stressful in so many ways. And the toy business - I'm just cranking, cranking, cranking and believing in the growth that keeps coming our way.

So I may blog on occasion, or I may not.
But you can keep up in bits and pieces by:

• Go "like" Fierce Fun Toys on Face Book - click here (where I just posted an AWESOME clip of me and the boys!)
• Go "friend" me on Face Book - click here
• Go check out the blog on the FFT website - click here (actually funny stuff)
• I even post random weird things on Norman PhartEphant on Face Book - - click here.

So you see the time crunch!

Most of all, I have LOVED this blog, the support you all have brought me!! I'll be listening and maybe even back, but I need a couple months. Thank you.

its been a week...

...since this huge creature has entered my life. I love him. And he doesn't feel huge any more.
The boys love him, daddy loves him, but he is mine!

I found out he catches a ball, a Frisbee, plays tug of war and can poop more than just a handful at a time (important when you are in a pooper scooper world)!

He cries when I leave him behind with the hubby, and during the day will howl when I go to the post office. But when I walk in, he makes me feel as if I'm the only person in the world.

The boys love him, pull on him, lay on him, wrestle. He takes it. My groom thought it would be his dog, and is a bit surprised that the dog has bonded to me. But hey, he lived with a 79 year old woman, I feed him and I give him most of his shots and most of his walks, so he's not stupid.

The Big Boy has been getting up an hour early every day to walk him with me. I love this time with the Big Boy. We get to talk about the flowers, what we see down by the river (the Hudson) and the other dogs and dog owner's we meet. This week we have been tracking a family of geese on the river. One mommy and seven babies. I'm guessing they are a month old. Old enough to be fuzzy and swim, but not really having feathers.

I love waking up in the middle of the night and hearing the dog breathing. The hubby has only stepped on him once in the middle of the night: what can I say he, the hubby, pees more than me and the dog is mostly black.

This huge dog will roll on his back if you scratch his belly, to which, my Big Boy gives a huge smile. The Little Man will never have a dirty face again; he is constantly letting the dog lick it. He is also not the easiest with the dog, but this will teach him where the limits are, as the dog walks away from him.

I'm a pro at injections. And today the Big Boy wanted to try and give him the shot. I was amazed by the compassion of my Big Boy, amazed that the dog allowed it to occur.

He fetches, sits, lays, and stays on command. I've put a line in the kitchen floor with tape and he knows he's not supposed to pass it. He's only jumped up on our bed once, and we immediately told him down. He follows me from room to room, but now lets us step over him rather than sitting up every time some one comes near.

The trust he has put in us is amazing. Blinding. The love he has opened up in me is refreshing. Life with toddlers is not easy, he is giving me a second perspective.

He is know in the neighborhood. Sometimes people will ask, "is that Bruno?" and I say yes, but then have to inform them of our neighbor's passing. From what I've learned about her, it sounds like she was on a seriously bad slope of dementia and the heart attack may have allowed her freedom from a scary path. I know Bruno loved her. I know she was still out and about, even if not totally "with it". I know that people are shocked to hear of her passing. I know that people think we are lucky to gain such a great dog, and tell me that he is lucky to find a home that could handle his "needs".

I needed to rediscover love. I think he is opening the door.

A week later, I'm happier than I was a week ago. And this all started by the bad habit of leaving my front door ajar during the day. And a bleeding heart that couldn't ignore a stray that walked in uninvited. What I ask for is one thing, what happens in life is another amazing event.

work related

The toy company is going well. And the stories that accompany the toys are my opportunity to try and change the world. The stories present cultural diversity, cultural inclusion and making friends even in the most unexpected circumstances.

I write the stories. I test them out on by reading early drafts to my boys. Then I test them out at pre-school. And before they publish they go to a real editor (who is awesome!!). Currently we have 2 Norman stories published, and the third that just finished with the illustrator. We have two more currently in production with other illustrators, one for Harry Hiccers - the Koala that likes to explore beyond Eucalyptus and then gets the hiccups, and one for Ben Kachoo - a hippo with allergies that lives in a swamp at the zoo, which is a explosive situation. I've already written stories two & three for Harry.

The Big Boy hears them all. He hears various versions. He hears bits and pieces before they are even complete. He gets to see the illustrations as they come in. He sees the creation process.

So this afternoon he walked up to my desk and handed me Norman Vol 2. I said "where'd this come from?"
"my room."
"don't you want a copy"
"I know it, I just want the keep hearing the new ones, the drafts"

Wow! isn't that the coolest! Someone who likes the drafting process! Someone who believes the stories will just keep coming! Someone pushing me to continue to explore Fierce Fun Zoo! Someone who knows there is more to explore at this zoo!

school notes

We get notes form our boys school on almost a daily basis. Either to notify us of upcoming trips, shows, opportunities to donate, or senior performances. Less frequently, but still regularly we receive a notice of "infection". These come in the form of,

"Dear 3's Families:

A case of conjunctivitis was reported in the 3's program ( so and so's class) today, Tuesday, June 1. The student was in school today and will be absent tomorrow.

- School Office"

These rarely give me pause for thought. Early in the year one of the kids in the Big Boys class had swine flu and everyone was in an uproar to bring in vaccinations - except me - again work in pharmaceutical industry for a while and you will start to challenge a lot of assumptions. Then there was the dreaded, but expected, someone in the Little Man's class had lice. The notes never say who, but the sitter always tells us who has been out of school; which makes me smile, because we all are going to get these things once in a while.

But today we got a goody! Notice of pinworm. I'd never heard of it. Totally new to me. I do what any mom with a lap top does, I google. This is what I found;

"

Pinworm (Enterobius vermicularis) infections are extremely common. Occurring world wide, it is estimated that there are more than 40 million cases in the United States each year, making it the most common worm infection in America. Although any individual may develop a case of pinworms, the infection occurs most frequently in school children between 5 to 10 years of age. Pinworm infections occur in all socioeconomic groups; however, human-to-human spread is favored by close, crowded living conditions. Spread among family members is common. Animals do not harbor pinworms - humans are the only natural host for this parasite.

The most common symptom of pinworms is an itchy rectal area. Symptoms are worse at night when the female worms are most active and crawl out of the anus to deposit their eggs. Although pinworm infections can be annoying, they rarely cause serious health problems and are usually not dangerous. Therapy with routine prescription medications provides an effective cure in almost all cases."

Ok, I just about died laughing and will watch to see if the boys start scratching. but at bath time, there was nothing suspicious going on, other than the question, "Mommy, why are you looking at my butt?"

photo update

Dog Update

So this dog walks into our apartment and asks for a home.

I work from home, and I leave our door unlocked during the day. My neighbors are friendly. the door man down stairs keeps the "bad guys" out. However that fateful day the neighbors and the doorman did not stop the dog from walking into our apartment.

The dog has diabetes. The dog's owner passed away and the dog was unregulated on his insulin for a week. So the dog is currently with the vet. However, he has stabilized and is now gaining weight back, he's back up to over 100lbs. The dog weighs more than both the Little Man and the Big Boy combined! And the dog is pure muscle, a muscular herding bread, a Rottweiler. He is not fat. His name is Bruno.

The boys went to the vet to meet with the dog yesterday. They LOVE him. We took him for a walk. The Little Man laid on the floor in front of the dog, as the dog laid on the floor, and stroked its eyebrows. The dog licked his whole face. He LOVED it. The Big Boy wants to hold the leash. the dog is just loving.

The vet wants us to think about it over night because, "it is a 'special needs' adoption". De ja vu.
At least this one is potty trained and can walk on its own. But he's still in a bit of shock and will need to time to adjust to our household - he'd been living with a single older lady with slight dementia.

Big Boy couldn't quite talking about the dog all night. Little Man walked into my bedroom this morning, crawled in to cuddle and then asked if we could bring Bruno to our home.

Updates later, on when he can join us. I need to learn to say no... next time.

Leaning to say No

So one of our neighbors dropped dead of a heart attack today. She was older, had a big dog and three cats. We didn't know her well at all. But the dog has been brought to our attention.

I can't do it, but I want to. The boys have been asking for a pet. I can't handle 3-5 walks a day, and I mean walks, we don't have a yard. Big dog, so we are likely talking $30/wk food. potential vet along the way. I think this dog wants us. I know we want him.

But I'm so stressed with launching the business - which happens to be completely sold out at the moment, getting the kids activities, prepping for summer, trying to balance our finances and all that encumbers, I just can't imagine taking on one more responsibility.

Yet, I think the dog would love us and we love it. Life sucks sometimes.

Things that make me proud, make me laugh

This weekend the Big Boy was invited to a 5th birthday, birthday party on the Intrepid for one of his buddies. The Intrepid is a magnificent retired aircraft carrier war ship. It is loaded to the gills with great impressive helicopters and jets. It was an all boy party and they received a private tour of select jets/helicopters. As the tour guide, dressed as a pilot, was explaining that this was where the rockets were launched from, and this is where the machine gun bullets come out, my Big Boy raised his hand and stumped the guide with his question. All the mommies looked at me, I just smiled. The question..."What were they shooting at?" My thoughts, if we don't want to tell them the truth, then we shouldn't do the act.

The second thing that made me smile was the late Spring return of the ants to our master bathroom. No where else in the house, just the bathroom, and every year. Seeing the Little Man sit there with one square of tissue trying to pinch the ants, with all his might, is really fabulous. He's rather determined and the ants are very small.

how does one believe

We've had an issue here at our little house. The Little Man seems to be able to memorize anything, particularly if it is set to a tune. The Big Boy was starting to learn his ABCs. But once the Little Man heard the song twice and could sing it by himself, the Big Boy stopped singing along. Then the Little Man started singing the song ALL THE TIME.

How do you teach one child to believe in themselves when they know others can do something that they themselves are clearly struggling with? The Big Boy is physically gifted. He runs like a Greek God. He's been on two wheels without training wheels since he was four. We've been out this Spring with the skate board, and he is clearly figuring out and starting to chat up the 8 year olds out practicing on their boards. I can take him to the board shops and he's willing to show the guys - often young 20-something kids - what he can do. And then to my amazement, they show him the next things to try. He has decided he wants to take a serious gymnastic class this summer. And this all started with ballet at the age of 2 which he insisted on taking 2x a week for almost 2 years.

But, the ABCs have him down. He can not say them. He doesn't know the names of all the letters, he doesn't know what sound they make. But yet he IS interested. He wants to write. He asks me to write things and then he copies it. He asks me to tell him what letters/numbers look like: i.e, a 9 is a balloon escaping and an M is like two mountains, yes, B is for Boobies - he is a boy after all!

So I bought a really cool ball and told him it was his when he could say his ABCs. But he still doesn't want to practice around his brother. And honestly, does a 5 year old need to have memorization skills when they have a bigger vocabulary than many of my friends and greater physical skills than their daddy? In my opinion, no. But the public school system doesn't see it that way.

So after tears, and lots of repeat after me. He was close enough to get the ball. He is not fully saying his ABCs, but he's soooooo close. And he so wants the ball. And he is so frustrated.

It is unlike me to bend the rules. But I gave it to him. He's going to practice with me tomorrow. He is happy and proud. But this is a beaten down proud. It's not like the physical stuff where I see the light bulb go off when I'm shouting keep your knees bent and lean forward and he's suddenly riding the board. When I see that spark, then we can stay in the park for another hour and he is happy to just keep trying. This is different. He knows others are doing it and he is not. He gets beaten down and I have to bring him back up to the level of keep trying.

How do I get him to believe in himself? I just keep telling him, yes, you can do it. You can do anything. We just have to practice. He believes in me, I just wish he believed a bit more in himself on this issue.

Any suggestions?

Photo of Five - ramblings

Tonight The Little Man pulled out a calendar a dear friend made for us. It starts with the individual pictures of five Chinese children. Then the second page shows them all sitting together in the orphanage looking bewildered at a birthday cake that one of the adoption moms sent for the second birthday of her soon to be daughter.

It is obvious these are not American children. The candles on the cake are burning and there is not move to blow them by any of the children, just bewilderment at what in the world is going on here. It is also winter. The children are bundled up to the point of having difficulty moving their knees and elbows. And they bundled this heavily although they are inside. But the orphanage didn't have heat at the time our children where there. The children are on tiny chairs and looking at whom ever was taking the photo.

Flipping back to the first page, four of the five children are wearing the same pants. Did they have a lot of this particular pair of pants? or did one pair get around a lot? I happen to believe they had a lot of this pant, as I have picture of our Little Man with his roommate in matching dresses. Yes, people should donate more boys clothing, but don't go crazy as I'm not sure the donations actually make it to the children until the day of adoption - When the Little Man came to us, it was in an European cartoon matching set, with the tags still in it.

How in the world did the five mommies of these children find each other. And then I found the roommate to the mom of Little Man's roommate in the matching dress. Times are different than a century ago, different then 20 years ago. The kids are finding homes. The moms are cyberly-connected.

And when I start to wonder what in the world did I do? Why did I disrupt our lives with this defiant angry little man? Why did I think I could handle this? Why did I think I could parent another child? Why did I think I could provide? - which are obviously depressing thought, but yes, thoughts that I go through so much more often than even I am comfortable admitting.

Then I continue to wonder: why did we all do this? How are we all surviving? Of the five in the birthday photo; one is a single mom; one was on the second adoption after two biologic children; one has returned to china for the second adoption following the first two biologic; one is a family of two kids - one biologic one adoptive, both girls; and us, family of tow boys, one biologic and one adoptive. Of the roommate, after struggles with infertility and an adoption, she is now a first time expecting biological mom.

We are all surviving. Sometimes flourishing, sometimes surviving, but all getting on in life. When I'm overwhelmed, these are people who understand. When I'm happy, these are the people that know how hard it is to reach happiness.

But there are another six moms out there. These moms I do not know, yet we are connected with them. Moms that new their children had medical issues that needed to be addressed. I presume they have good days and bad days. I presume they wonder about their children. I presume they pray/hope that their children are being treated as well as they are, but also that their hopes are being met, to which I'm not sure I meet.

I struggle with loving a defiant child. But if I had to abandon mine, I would pray and hope that someone would love them, care for them, and set them on their own feet in the world. I don't imagine it is easy to abandon your child. Yet, tens of thousands of women fell that is their best choice each year. And then there is a matching tens of thousand women who believe they can love/handle the new addition to their lives.

In the end, I think we both underestimate the pain of the process, the weight of the undertaking, and the uncertainty of the outcome. And that is about the kids and the family structure change, let alone the medical issues that need addressing. But we entered with hope. We continue day to day with hope. And there is really no choice but to believe in our collective hope having some positive long term power.

Easter Bunny recycling

So now, a week or two after Easter, I'm seriously going into recycle mode on the Easter candy.

Yesterday we had pancakes with fresh strawberries and Easter bunny chips.
This morning we had muffins with Easter bunny chips.
I promised hot chocolate this afternoon if the day stays cool.

And I was cleaning my closet last night and found the peeps I forgot to put out. Not sure what we'll do with those!

simplicity of conversation with a 5 year old

During the day today I had mentioned to the Big Boy that there are bats in the park. He wants to see them so I promised to take him for a walk.

After dinner, and a late one at that, we went for a walk about 7:30pm tonight. The park was empty of the usual family hordes, but it wasn't empty, there were still joggers, bikers, and people getting in the last walk of the evening with their dogs. We walked and walked. We did not see bats. But there was so much more than I would have expected.

We got to talking about soldiers as we passed the soldier monument. Then there were the cannons. Which lead to talking about pirates which lead to the conversation that the pirates no longer attack NYC, but they are still on the seas, in Somalia, which is in Africa. And why are there pirates? Because there are people who want and need more. Which lead to a conversation about poor countries, including Africa and China. Which lead to a conversation about having money is good, but when you have enough you need to share. Which lead to why people work. Which lead to the conversation that most people work for a pay check, but mommy had to invest money to manufacture Normans and start our company and I only make money when we then sell them. Which lead to why we donate to Smile Train and Half the Sky. Which lead to why it is good to help others and good to have a home.

Sound like the typical conversation with a five year old? I don't know, but it surprised me. And honestly, having to break down my company, Fierce Fun Toys, into the simplest of terms for the Big Boy not only added clarity to me in my pursuit, but reminds me again why I started.

Who knew a walk looking for bats on a beautiful evening along the Hudson river, which was almost glowing blue with the last bits of light, is a good business plan review initiative.

word exchanges

This morning the Little Man asked for the "estimator", which is awesome because he meant the "calculator"!

We were going to a street fair and the Big Boy asked if they would have "explode-ables" we were dumb founded. But what he meant was "inflatables".

checking in

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been depressed and busy. I'm going to need a bit more time before I share all my thoughts. But I will be back.

In the mean time... I went in for a physical and the blood screens came back that I was significantly low on vitamin D. The doctor put me on mega doses of vit D. I have to tell you I'm feeling much better! They say everyone north of Atlanta, Georgia doesn't have enough daylight to not be deficient, but I guess I went well beyond that. My energy is back up and I'm generally feeling better. Amazingly, although Puerto Rican, with the mega doses of Vit D make you more sensitive to the sun and in our beautiful 92 degree day, I managed to sunburn unlike I ever have before. But that's ok, it is tanning and I look like I'm back from an exotic vacation.

New Math for a New Economy

I’m a creative soul. I’m not a penny pincher and don’t live by a strict budget. However, I have regained an understanding of the value of a dollar, which I like to call down economy math.

It’s simple, less money coming in means less money to spend. So I began creatively examining expenses. Am I paying for things that I don’t need, don’t like or could do myself? Yes!

First, I decided my boys are so handsome that no one is really looking at their haircuts. No, I’m not a skilled or trained hairdresser, and I do not want to minimize the talent a good hairdresser offers, but my boys are 3 and 5. The boys have expressed no opinions about their hair whatsoever, and truth be told, I figured if I did a really bad job I would tell people, “never leave the room when your child is holding scissors.” The result, the hair is out of their eyes, no one jumped up to compliment my work, but more importantly no one has said, “Wow, that’s a bad haircut, let me recommend the person we use for my son’s hair.” Bottom line, over $30 in my pocket, no harm done, and I hope to improve with more experience.

Which lead me to my hair. Before you start to pray for me, no I did not cut my own hair, but I did start to question the >$100 spend for chemically treating my hair. I was picking up a prescription at the pharmacy and while waiting noticed there was a wide selection of products designed to use on little girl’s hair, everything imaginable: products to straighten hair, to curl hair, to color hair and then to deep condition! With my new found confidence I bought one, I took it home. I used it for the minimally recommended time, and YES, it worked fantastic. My hair dresser chastised me for using a home product, yet proceeded to give me a great hair cut. I saved >$100! Not only am I happy with my hair, I’m shocked at how much I saved.

On things I don’t like, clothing is the biggest offender. This means no blazers for a single school photo or family event where the jacket is worn for 5 minutes because the kids don’t like it. One five-minute wear of a $45 blazer is just bad value. However, a $20 ‘cool’ t-shirt that is worn a thousand times, equating to pennies per wear. Applying this to my own clothes. The nice stuff in my closet is now being worn more often to also bring down its cost per wear ration. Yes, this means I’m looking a bit nicer for preschool pickup. But, I don’t like not having somewhere nice to go, so I might as well enjoy dressing in the nice stuff before it comes completely dated. I’ve come to value cost per wear.

And our groceries have also been scrutinized. Is organic worth 2x the price if it was flown in from Tasmania? Not if I can wait till the weekend farmers’ market and support local producers, organic or not. What about packaged food? If I can’t pronounce the ingredients on the label, we probably shouldn’t eat it. Cooking from scratch is not only lowering our food bill, it is lowering our entertainment budget as the boys spend more time in the kitchen.

Staying on entertainment, we are doing more arts and crafts. Now at least when something breaks it is because it is “delicate,” not because it is another example of a “shoddy made product that cost too much for what it was.” With books and videos, I’ve started visiting our neighbors with children and enacting trades for a week. We’ve seen some fun movies and read some great books we hadn’t previously known about. And in this economy, none of the neighbors have said “no.” But unlike ‘borrowing’ a cup of sugar, we are actually trading back the books at the end of a week.

I have changed the way I look at spending. Maybe the whole family is thinking about it differently. But I am spending less on things that I don’t need, don’t like or could do myself. And, I hope to bring more income in over time, I’m not sure our spending habits will ever return.