There are some things a 5 year-old should not have to
say….”Everyone in Wolayta dies”…“all the Daddies die”…”My mom would not let me
stay with her”…”I told my mom I wanted to stay with her, but she said no”….
The grief of raising a child adopted at an age where they
have real memories of hurt, loss, and pain became a reality last night in our
home. After running some normal errands, and enjoying a normal dinner around
the normal table, and going through the normal routine of “evening” in our
home…my 5 year-old daughter suddenly began sharing her feelings about her
father dying, her mother “making her go”, and other events that culminated with
God knitting her and her brother into our family. This was entwined with a
flood of tears and the trembling little body of a daughter clearly grieving
some of her life experiences….and tears from this adoptive mommy who anguished over
what my sweet daughter has been through. I am thankful that in the moment I was
“quick to listen and slow to speak” (not my “normal” tendency) as my daughter
literally began sharing…in no particular order….all of things she has been
feeling and thinking during the 10 months our family has been together.
In some ways I was relieved this was finally happening…we
had heard about adopted children going through grief, but had seen no signs of
it. Our daughter had seemed almost super-human (excellent in every way) and I
was relieved to experience her on a very human, raw level. I was relieved that
she felt comfortable and trusted me enough to open up completely with no fear
of me getting upset or angry over the things she shared…very little of what she
shared was easy to hear. I was relieved that when the major flood of tears was
over she asked, “Mama, can I sleep with you tonight?”…Needless to say, Daddy
got the couch last night. This mama shared a bed last night with a boy who
needed me as a nurse (he had his tonsils and adenoids removed Monday) and my
sweet daughter who need the warm embrace of a mama who loved her dearly.
I tried to imagine my biological children going through what
my adopted children have gone through….and I can’t wrap my head around it. The
thought of it completely overwhelms me emotionally. I am thankful that God is
ultimately in control and sees the big picture as I struggle with why some
children experience so much pain while others live a relatively uneventful (yet
blissful) life up the street from the “Happiest Place on Earth”. Doesn’t seem
fair, does it? But what is fair anyway? God never promises a “fair” life to any
of us. After all, thanks to our own bad choices, this world is very broken. However,
God does promise that no matter what the situation, no matter how terrible the
degree of human brokenness is, He will reveal Himself and make His grace and
love known because, “in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his
purpose”. That is a promise I hold on to as I see my heart-broken
daughter grieve a life where she experienced so much loss…and poverty…and
separation…and death.
I can also hold on to the promise that God makes all things
new. My daughter believes
in God with incredible faith, so as 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “This means that
anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a
new life has begun!”…God WILL make her heart new. My daughter’s name…the name given to her at birth…means “a new
beginning”…coincidence? I don’t think so….
I love that I can be a tangible expression of comfort to my daughter,
but am myself comforted by this verse for her, “Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.”…Only God can truly comfort her and heal her and
renew her and strengthen her and give her understanding…and in my own selfish
way, that gives me great relief.
For now I will continue to be here for her and help her in any way I
can. I will pray for her. I will love her and cherish her, provide for her,
fight for her, guide her, teach her, encourage her, hold her, play with her,
create new memories with her…and in the end she will PRAISE God…and it doesn’t
get better than that!
Incredibly, my daughter went to school today…like it was any old “normal”
day……..
