The Fall of Russell Patch
aka Aggregate Revenge
This is the story of a tragedy, a tragedy of comical proportions.
Russell Matthew Patch was a friend of many. With his witty personality and great sense of humor he acquired many friends over the course of his life. As they all grew up slowly they began to get married. Russell has the spirit of an entrepreneur and as such, likes to create, imagine, and implement. These powers were put to great use when he decided to craft pranks to play at the weddings of others. As the weddings went on, his creativity flowered and he began to be a bold striker. Albeit he was good, some didn’t think his actions very wise. One by one, he began to convert friends into enemies.
Through a series of God sent miracles, Russell found a girl that he liked and amazingly, she liked him in return. Enter Lauren Leavitt. Fumbling through dates and courtship, he found himself in love. With a lack of commitment that rivaled Randy Moss’ commitment to the Raiders, Russell found it hard to place a date for the marriage. To the chagrin of all possible friends and acquaintances, Russell and Lauren decided to get married on January 26th. As Jim Kearl would say, a negative externality must have a countering force of cost placed on it = Russell would be punished.
As the clock counted down to the wedding day, Russell waxed very bold and confident in his powers to flee harm’s way on his fateful day. He transformed into a braggart and anyone who dared threaten him was quickly subdued by his banter. Threats were issued and promises were made that Russell would be eating his words.
The sealing was a beautiful experience and all left edified and uplifted. Photos were taken outside of the temple doors. Behind the smiles of all those near to Russell (cousins, best friends, bothers-in-law) were menacing grins of deception. They planned and plotted, seeing through Russell’s ignorance. Even as they alluded to their plans to ‘skool him’, Russell would counterattack and say that he was invincible.
Heritage Gardens was decorated beautifully with flowers, ribbons, and ethereal ambiance. Faint music was playing in the background that helped set the scene. The photographer flashed away at Russell and his bride. So much joy. So much happiness. Crowds arrived and dinner was served. Family and friends enjoyed each others’ company. After the dinner was over, people began to congregate for the reception. The moment had arrived.
Russell was deeply distracted by his wife and so he let his guard down. It was known by all that he was taking the Suburban mainly because he openly told this to his brother-in-law a week earlier. Daft. Russell had secured the keys to the suburban and the Malibu (Lauren’s car). They were kept in his pocket, a place he knew that no one would want to enter. A long line of friends was formed and he was occupied shaking their hands and greeting them. He didn’t’ suspect a thing when his uncle handed him a baby so that he could take their picture. With his hands constrained, someone reached in his pockets and stole the keys. Booyah.
All of the cars were opened and a host of friends and relatives began to unload Russell and Laurens’ luggage into the Suburban. After that, they proceeded to paint the windows and write messages. Newspaper was dumped into all facets of the car to add the image of chaos and confusion. The exterior was wrapped in Saran wrap and then covered with shaving cream. A handcrafted cardboard “Chastity Boot” was placed on the tires. Streams of 140 pop cans were draped off of the back bumper. The scene was immaculate.
The activities began to finish at the reception and eventually two lines of people were formed so that the bride and groom could run out to their car. Russell lost his clothes and wallet so it delayed the anticipation for a bit. They finally came running out and then gaped at the car. Some laughed, some cried. They got in after giving a very very thorough inspection of the car. Having a smug look on his face, Russell was content that there were no more pranks. He and Lauren drove off to the sounds of cheering and rapture. All was well…or was it?
N’er did they know that there was a small cousin crammed in the back under all of their luggage. He had escaped Russell’s assessment of the security of his car. After counting to 100 very slowly, the cousin popped up and surprised the newly wed’s. Conceding to his loss, Russell called up his aunt and pleaded that someone come pick up the child. It was a symbolic act of submission to all of those he had pranked in his life. Defeat.
The cousin was picked up and drove back in triumphant glory. Russell and Lauren drove off in wonder and amazement that they had been severely ‘moded’.
And such was the fall of Russell Patch.
