Okay, i got the facts wrong, not a couple, but a boss and a secretary doing oral sex in a car.
His penis was *AHEM* by accident, not confirmed if it's stitched back or not^^;
Original Article:
Secretary accidentally bites off boss' penis
Tue, May 05, 2009
The Star/Asia News Network
A SECRETARY accidentally bit off the penis of her employer while giving him oral sex in a car.
Sin Chew Daily and China Press reported yesterday that while the 30-year-old woman was performing oral sex on the man, the car was hit by a reversing van.
The impact of the crash, China Press reported, caused the woman to bite off her lover's organ.
The daily reported that the incident occurred in a Singapore park where the couple met after work.
To make matters worse for the woman, her husband had sent a private investigator to spy on her after suspecting that she was being unfaithful.
The investigator said he had followed the woman and her boss to the park.
'On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently.
After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,' he said.
The woman later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ.
The investigator, who called an ambulance to send the man to hospital, said that this was the first time he had encountered such an incident.
The new face of utlraman, since Leon is a fan of him.
Behold, the new expression of Ultraman, since people are complaining about his no emotion face.
I swear children will get nightmares for this^^;
I swear children will get nightmares for this^^;
Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince
Since the blog is kinda dormant for the moment , i find no hard in posting this post as no one actually cares and stuff
DAY 1
[RON, HERMIONE, HARRY , Lavender and Hogwarts' newest student, DOB, are seated at that big cafeteria or whatever, discussing this and that. DOB tells a story, smirking like an @sshole.]
DOB
And then I says, "More like SHITerin!" Get it?
RON
Yes.
DOB
Because I took a crap in the sorting hat.
RON
I said yes.
DOB
And I said kiss dick, guy, I was talking to Hermione.
HERMIONE
It was a lovely joke.
DOB
Bam. Two points, Ron, count it.
[RON slumps in his chair.]
HARRY
I have a bad feeling about this year, guys. Something deep in the pit of my stomach.
HERMIONE
I know what you mean.
DOB
Yeah, totally. Say, by the way, Lavender, when you turnin' 15, girl? That happening soon, or what?
RON
Fifteen is still illegal in this state. In all states, everywhere.
DOB
This retar- What is your problem, guy? Was someone talking to you? Dammit, go eat that chocolate that turns people into rats or whatever.
HARRY
[Quietly]
That's not this movie.
RON
You're thinking of Witches.
DOB
Actually I'm thinking of eat crap, Beasley, what is your deal?
DAY 4
[HARRY is in his dorm room getting ready for the OBLIGATORY GAME OF POINTLESS QUIDDITCH. DOB is quietly planting HARD WIZARD DRUGS in RON'S DRESSER.]
HARRY
Alright, DOB, I'm about to head out to the big game. Are you sure you don't want to play?
DOB
Nah. I'ma try to call Lavender so we can set up our own game of Quidditch, if you catch my boner.
HARRY
Right. See you later, then.
DOB
Yeah, man, go- Holy crap. Is that how you're going to dress?
HARRY
I... this is traditional wizard garb, for Quidditch, I thought-
DOB
Yeesh. Boo. It looks like a shitty community theater is staging a musical version of my nightmares and you're auditioning for the female lead.
HARRY
I'm not sure I-
DOB
You look like the worst kind of lesbian.
HARRY
Got it.
DAY 9
[DUMBLEDORE, an old fellow with a long beard who constantly dresses in robes, has gathered a few of the students in his PRIVATE QUARTERS to tell them some SECRETS, which is probably a good idea in a movie/book that is aimed at LITTLE CHILDREN.]
HERMIONE
Dumbledore, it's not fair.
DOB
Oh, hell yeah, you tell him, 'Mione.
HARRY
It really is unfortunate, Dumbledore, is there nothing we can do?
HERMIONE
This is ruining all of my plans!
DUMBLEDORE
I'm sorry, but there's not much I can do. We're short staffed, so I'm afraid I can't offer Potions as a course this year.
DOB
Is that what we're all pissed about? This is the stupidest wizard camp ever.
HERMIONE
I'm certain that class would earn me high enough marks to make it to the top of the school.
DUMBLEDORE
It's out of my hands! I'm afraid with our high level of mysterious murders, fewer and fewer teachers want to work here.
DOB
Yeah, that'll do it.
HARRY
Could Snape double up on a class?
RON
Or couldn't we cut one of the other courses?
HERMIONE
It's because Professor Slughorn left. He could have taught this class. He was supposed to, wasn't he?
DOB
Who's Slughorn?
HARRY
We need Slughorn. We need to get him back.
DOB
Hey, guys, who's Slughorn?
RON
Good luck with that. He's gone off to live with the Muggles, he's in hiding.
HARRY
But we can find him... With Dumbledore's help!
DOB
Alright screw you guys.
DUMBLEDORE
It can be done. I can track him down... Do you think you children could convince him to come back?
HARRY
I'm positive!
DOB
What an awesome plot for a movie about wizards.
DAY 14
[Our heroes are stuck on an island, surrounded by a bunch of little PALE GOBLINS OR SOMETHING.]
RON
This looks dangerous! What'll we do, Harry?
HARRY
Our magic is blocked here, for some reason, we can't disapparate, there's some kind of enchantment. We're running out of options.
DOB
[Slowly waking from an ALCOHOL-INDUCED COMA]
Oh, man, that was a- Oh, Goddamn it are you kidding me? What have you morons gotten us into?
HARRY
Thank goodness you're awake, we've got to-
DOB
Yeah, listen, shut up for like 10 seconds, here, it's a little early for your crap, know what I mean?
HARRY
I apologize.
RON
It's seven o'clock at night...
DOB
More like... stupid o'cock at... at all over your face, and there's... Oh go screw yourself, Ron, no one's talking to you.
[HARRY nods in agreement.]
DOB
Alright, I'll get us out of this. F***. F***, f***, f*, let's think about this. F***. We can't use magic, Hermione's probably still asleep and incredibly sore, and I broke Dumbledore's wand for a reason I can't immediately remember. We've got an army of Gollum's happening right now, I say our only option is feeding them Ron's gay face and converting the rest of Ron into a boat that we can paddle to shore. Or maybe we'll just turn him into, like, a puppet or something, whichever's funnier. That guy's the worst.
HARRY
We can't! And those aren't Gollums, you're confusing franchises again.
DOB
What? Bullshit those aren't Gollums. (Addressing the Gollums): Yo, which one of you pygmies wants the precious?
HARRY
I'm telling you, that's not-
SMEAGOL
I would like the precious...
DOB
Boom! Three pointer. Ron, give those little bastards the precious.
RON
What would that even-
[DOB swiftly pushes RON into the little GOLLUMS, who immediately start clawing at his stupid flesh.]
DOB
Swish! I'm the best.
DAY 17
[HARRY, RON, DOB and some of the other RANDOM INTERCHANGEABLE STUDENTS are discussing women problems.]
RON
It's so difficult. I know Hermione fancies me, but I just started dating Lavendar, and it would be unfair of her if I abandoned our relationship. But HERMIONE and I are such good friends.
DOB
Uh huh.
HARRY
And I'm in love with Ron's sister, but I don't know how she feels about me, and I don't know what that would do to our friendship.
SOME OTHER KID
My word, these are tricky situations!
DOB
Tell me about it. I heard Ron cries when he poops.
RON
That's just a rumor, where did you hear it?
DOB
I forgot, I think some guy screamed it while he was boning Hermione on my bed last night. We're getting off topic here, the point is Harry's sad about some bullshit or whatever.
DUMBLEDORE
I know what we need, we need something to take our minds off our girl troubles, and Ron's unfortunate toilet situation.
RON
It's not-
DOB
Like a baby, Dr. Wizard, a giant, pooping baby, it's awful.
DAY 20
[RON, HARRY and DOB are visiting their CREEPY, ELDERLY PROFESSOR SLUGHORN who hands them UNMARKED GLASSES FULL OF SOME LIQUID, and the children all take the drinks, because Hogwarts teaches BULLSHIT DRAGON MAGIC and INVISIBLE BROOM-SCREWING instead of D.A.R.E and COMMON SENSE. RON takes a sip and almost immediately starts stumbling and clutching his throat. He falls to the floor.]
HARRY
Ron! What's wrong?
RON
[Coughing.]
This... wine is... poison.
HARRY
No!
DOB
Poison?
RON
Yes!
DOB
Deadly?
RON
[A crushed gasp.]
Yes.
DOB
Moving it slow?
RON
[The life draining.]
Yeah... I guess.
DOB
Lookin' for a mellow fellow like DeVoe?
RON
[Turning blue.]
...what?
HARRY
Not now, DOB. Don’t worry, we'll save you, Ron. We've got to do something, quick!
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
I'll call the authorities.
DOB
Let's cure it 'cause we're runnin' outta time!
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Yeah, we got it, DOB. It'll be alright, Ron, we'll get through this.
HARRY
If I knew what the poison was, I could reverse it!
DOB
Oh, I know!
HARRY
How do you know?
DOB
Me and the crew used to do him! Bam!
HARRY
Oh, Goddammit, shut up, we need to save Ron.
DOB
Eh.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Who could have done this?
HARRY
The one whose name we dare not speak, I'm sure he was behind it.
DOB
I may have an idea.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Or it could've been Draco! He's always had it out for Ron.
HARRY
Oh, f***ing Draco, that's right, it was probably him, too.
DOB
Was it a big butt, Ron? A smile? Did you trust them? Because, really-
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
He hasn't much time left!
HARRY
Hang in there, buddy.
DOB
-you should never trust a big butt and a-
HARRY AND SLUGHORN
SHUT THE HELL UP!
DOB
P-P-P-P-Poison!
DAY 1
[RON, HERMIONE, HARRY , Lavender and Hogwarts' newest student, DOB, are seated at that big cafeteria or whatever, discussing this and that. DOB tells a story, smirking like an @sshole.]
DOB
And then I says, "More like SHITerin!" Get it?
RON
Yes.
DOB
Because I took a crap in the sorting hat.
RON
I said yes.
DOB
And I said kiss dick, guy, I was talking to Hermione.
HERMIONE
It was a lovely joke.
DOB
Bam. Two points, Ron, count it.
[RON slumps in his chair.]
HARRY
I have a bad feeling about this year, guys. Something deep in the pit of my stomach.
HERMIONE
I know what you mean.
DOB
Yeah, totally. Say, by the way, Lavender, when you turnin' 15, girl? That happening soon, or what?
RON
Fifteen is still illegal in this state. In all states, everywhere.
DOB
This retar- What is your problem, guy? Was someone talking to you? Dammit, go eat that chocolate that turns people into rats or whatever.
HARRY
[Quietly]
That's not this movie.
RON
You're thinking of Witches.
DOB
Actually I'm thinking of eat crap, Beasley, what is your deal?
DAY 4
[HARRY is in his dorm room getting ready for the OBLIGATORY GAME OF POINTLESS QUIDDITCH. DOB is quietly planting HARD WIZARD DRUGS in RON'S DRESSER.]
HARRY
Alright, DOB, I'm about to head out to the big game. Are you sure you don't want to play?
DOB
Nah. I'ma try to call Lavender so we can set up our own game of Quidditch, if you catch my boner.
HARRY
Right. See you later, then.
DOB
Yeah, man, go- Holy crap. Is that how you're going to dress?
HARRY
I... this is traditional wizard garb, for Quidditch, I thought-
DOB
Yeesh. Boo. It looks like a shitty community theater is staging a musical version of my nightmares and you're auditioning for the female lead.
HARRY
I'm not sure I-
DOB
You look like the worst kind of lesbian.
HARRY
Got it.
DAY 9
[DUMBLEDORE, an old fellow with a long beard who constantly dresses in robes, has gathered a few of the students in his PRIVATE QUARTERS to tell them some SECRETS, which is probably a good idea in a movie/book that is aimed at LITTLE CHILDREN.]
HERMIONE
Dumbledore, it's not fair.
DOB
Oh, hell yeah, you tell him, 'Mione.
HARRY
It really is unfortunate, Dumbledore, is there nothing we can do?
HERMIONE
This is ruining all of my plans!
DUMBLEDORE
I'm sorry, but there's not much I can do. We're short staffed, so I'm afraid I can't offer Potions as a course this year.
DOB
Is that what we're all pissed about? This is the stupidest wizard camp ever.
HERMIONE
I'm certain that class would earn me high enough marks to make it to the top of the school.
DUMBLEDORE
It's out of my hands! I'm afraid with our high level of mysterious murders, fewer and fewer teachers want to work here.
DOB
Yeah, that'll do it.
HARRY
Could Snape double up on a class?
RON
Or couldn't we cut one of the other courses?
HERMIONE
It's because Professor Slughorn left. He could have taught this class. He was supposed to, wasn't he?
DOB
Who's Slughorn?
HARRY
We need Slughorn. We need to get him back.
DOB
Hey, guys, who's Slughorn?
RON
Good luck with that. He's gone off to live with the Muggles, he's in hiding.
HARRY
But we can find him... With Dumbledore's help!
DOB
Alright screw you guys.
DUMBLEDORE
It can be done. I can track him down... Do you think you children could convince him to come back?
HARRY
I'm positive!
DOB
What an awesome plot for a movie about wizards.
DAY 14
[Our heroes are stuck on an island, surrounded by a bunch of little PALE GOBLINS OR SOMETHING.]
RON
This looks dangerous! What'll we do, Harry?
HARRY
Our magic is blocked here, for some reason, we can't disapparate, there's some kind of enchantment. We're running out of options.
DOB
[Slowly waking from an ALCOHOL-INDUCED COMA]
Oh, man, that was a- Oh, Goddamn it are you kidding me? What have you morons gotten us into?
HARRY
Thank goodness you're awake, we've got to-
DOB
Yeah, listen, shut up for like 10 seconds, here, it's a little early for your crap, know what I mean?
HARRY
I apologize.
RON
It's seven o'clock at night...
DOB
More like... stupid o'cock at... at all over your face, and there's... Oh go screw yourself, Ron, no one's talking to you.
[HARRY nods in agreement.]
DOB
Alright, I'll get us out of this. F***. F***, f***, f*, let's think about this. F***. We can't use magic, Hermione's probably still asleep and incredibly sore, and I broke Dumbledore's wand for a reason I can't immediately remember. We've got an army of Gollum's happening right now, I say our only option is feeding them Ron's gay face and converting the rest of Ron into a boat that we can paddle to shore. Or maybe we'll just turn him into, like, a puppet or something, whichever's funnier. That guy's the worst.
HARRY
We can't! And those aren't Gollums, you're confusing franchises again.
DOB
What? Bullshit those aren't Gollums. (Addressing the Gollums): Yo, which one of you pygmies wants the precious?
HARRY
I'm telling you, that's not-
SMEAGOL
I would like the precious...
DOB
Boom! Three pointer. Ron, give those little bastards the precious.
RON
What would that even-
[DOB swiftly pushes RON into the little GOLLUMS, who immediately start clawing at his stupid flesh.]
DOB
Swish! I'm the best.
DAY 17
[HARRY, RON, DOB and some of the other RANDOM INTERCHANGEABLE STUDENTS are discussing women problems.]
RON
It's so difficult. I know Hermione fancies me, but I just started dating Lavendar, and it would be unfair of her if I abandoned our relationship. But HERMIONE and I are such good friends.
DOB
Uh huh.
HARRY
And I'm in love with Ron's sister, but I don't know how she feels about me, and I don't know what that would do to our friendship.
SOME OTHER KID
My word, these are tricky situations!
DOB
Tell me about it. I heard Ron cries when he poops.
RON
That's just a rumor, where did you hear it?
DOB
I forgot, I think some guy screamed it while he was boning Hermione on my bed last night. We're getting off topic here, the point is Harry's sad about some bullshit or whatever.
DUMBLEDORE
I know what we need, we need something to take our minds off our girl troubles, and Ron's unfortunate toilet situation.
RON
It's not-
DOB
Like a baby, Dr. Wizard, a giant, pooping baby, it's awful.
DAY 20
[RON, HARRY and DOB are visiting their CREEPY, ELDERLY PROFESSOR SLUGHORN who hands them UNMARKED GLASSES FULL OF SOME LIQUID, and the children all take the drinks, because Hogwarts teaches BULLSHIT DRAGON MAGIC and INVISIBLE BROOM-SCREWING instead of D.A.R.E and COMMON SENSE. RON takes a sip and almost immediately starts stumbling and clutching his throat. He falls to the floor.]
HARRY
Ron! What's wrong?
RON
[Coughing.]
This... wine is... poison.
HARRY
No!
DOB
Poison?
RON
Yes!
DOB
Deadly?
RON
[A crushed gasp.]
Yes.
DOB
Moving it slow?
RON
[The life draining.]
Yeah... I guess.
DOB
Lookin' for a mellow fellow like DeVoe?
RON
[Turning blue.]
...what?
HARRY
Not now, DOB. Don’t worry, we'll save you, Ron. We've got to do something, quick!
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
I'll call the authorities.
DOB
Let's cure it 'cause we're runnin' outta time!
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Yeah, we got it, DOB. It'll be alright, Ron, we'll get through this.
HARRY
If I knew what the poison was, I could reverse it!
DOB
Oh, I know!
HARRY
How do you know?
DOB
Me and the crew used to do him! Bam!
HARRY
Oh, Goddammit, shut up, we need to save Ron.
DOB
Eh.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Who could have done this?
HARRY
The one whose name we dare not speak, I'm sure he was behind it.
DOB
I may have an idea.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Or it could've been Draco! He's always had it out for Ron.
HARRY
Oh, f***ing Draco, that's right, it was probably him, too.
DOB
Was it a big butt, Ron? A smile? Did you trust them? Because, really-
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
He hasn't much time left!
HARRY
Hang in there, buddy.
DOB
-you should never trust a big butt and a-
HARRY AND SLUGHORN
SHUT THE HELL UP!
DOB
P-P-P-P-Poison!
Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince
Since the blog is kinda dormant for now, i decided to spice things up with a new harry potter post since everyone keeps on talking on how friggin awesome it is and whatever.
RON, HERMIONE, HARRY , Lavender and Hogwarts' newest student, DOB, are seated at that big cafeteria or whatever, discussing this and that. DOB tells a story, smirking like an @sshole.]
DOB
And then I says, "More like SHITerin!" Get it?
RON
Yes.
DOB
Because I took a crap in the sorting hat.
RON
I said yes.
DOB
And I said kiss ass, guy, I was talking to Hermione.
HERMIONE
It was a lovely joke.
DOB
Bam. Two points, Ron, count it.
[RON slumps in his chair.]
HARRY
I have a bad feeling about this year, guys. Something deep in the pit of my stomach.
HERMIONE
I know what you mean.
DOB
Yeah, totally. Say, by the way, Lavender, when you turnin' 15, girl? That happening soon, or what?
RON
Fifteen is still illegal in this state. In all states, everywhere.
DOB
This goddam- What is your problem, guy? Was someone talking to you? Dammit, go eat that chocolate that turns people into rats or whatever.
HARRY
[Quietly]
That's not this movie.
RON
You're thinking of Witches.
DOB
Actually I'm thinking of eat shit, Beasley, what is your deal?
DAY 4
[HARRY is in his dorm room getting ready for the OBLIGATORY GAME OF POINTLESS QUIDDITCH. DOB is quietly planting HARD WIZARD DRUGS in RON'S DRESSER.]
HARRY
Alright, DOB, I'm about to head out to the big game. Are you sure you don't want to play?
DOB
Nah. I'ma try to call Lavender so we can set up our own game of Quidditch, if you catch my boner.
HARRY
Right. See you later, then.
DOB
Yeah, man, go- Holy Crap. Is that how you're going to dress?
HARRY
I... this is traditional wizard garb, for Quidditch, I thought-
DOB
Yeesh. Boo. It looks like a shitty community theater is staging a musical version of my nightmares and you're auditioning for the female lead.
HARRY
I'm not sure I-
DOB
You look like the worst kind of lesbian.
HARRY
Got it.
DAY 9
[DUMBLEDORE, an old fellow with a long beard who constantly dresses in robes, has gathered a few of the students in his PRIVATE QUARTERS to tell them some SECRETS, which is probably a good idea in a movie/book that is aimed at LITTLE CHILDREN.]
HERMIONE
Dumbledore, it's not fair.
DOB
Oh, hell yeah, you tell him, 'Mione.
HARRY
It really is unfortunate, Dumbledore, is there nothing we can do?
HERMIONE
This is ruining all of my plans!
DUMBLEDORE
I'm sorry, but there's not much I can do. We're short staffed, so I'm afraid I can't offer Potions as a course this year.
DOB
Is that what we're all pissed about? This is the stupidest wizard camp ever.
HERMIONE
I'm certain that class would earn me high enough marks to make it to the top of the school.
DUMBLEDORE
It's out of my hands! I'm afraid with our high level of mysterious murders, fewer and fewer teachers want to work here.
DOB
Yeah, that'll do it.
HARRY
Could Snape double up on a class?
RON
Or couldn't we cut one of the other courses?
HERMIONE
It's because Professor Slughorn left. He could have taught this class. He was supposed to, wasn't he?
DOB
Who's Slughorn?
HARRY
We need Slughorn. We need to get him back.
DOB
Hey, guys, who's Slughorn?
RON
Good luck with that. He's gone off to live with the Muggles, he's in hiding.
HARRY
But we can find him... With Dumbledore's help!
DOB
Alright screw you guys.
DUMBLEDORE
It can be done. I can track him down... Do you think you children could convince him to come back?
HARRY
I'm positive!
DOB
What an awesome plot for a movie about wizards.
DAY 14
[Our heroes are stuck on an island, surrounded by a bunch of little PALE GOBLINS OR SOMETHING.]
RON
This looks dangerous! What'll we do, Harry?
HARRY
Our magic is blocked here, for some reason, we can't disapparate, there's some kind of enchantment. We're running out of options.
DOB
[Slowly waking from an ALCOHOL-INDUCED COMA]
Oh, man, that was a- Oh, for cryin out loud, are you kidding me? What have you morons gotten us into?
HARRY
Thank goodness you're awake, we've got to-
DOB
Yeah, listen, shut up for like 10 seconds, here, it's a little early for your crap, know what I mean?
HARRY
I apologize.
RON
It's seven o'clock at night...
DOB
More like... stupid o'cock at... at all over your face, and there's... Oh go screw yourself, Ron, no one's talking to you.
[HARRY nods in agreement.]
DOB
Alright, I'll get us out of this. F***. F***, f***, f***, let's think about this. F***. We can't use magic, Hermione's probably still asleep and incredibly sore, and I broke Dumbledore's wand for a reason I can't immediately remember. We've got an army of Gollum's happening right now, I say our only option is feeding them Ron's gay face and converting the rest of Ron into a boat that we can paddle to shore. Or maybe we'll just turn him into, like, a puppet or something, whichever's funnier. That guy's the worst.
HARRY
We can't! And those aren't Gollums, you're confusing franchises again.
DOB
What? Bullshit those aren't Gollums. (Addressing the Gollums): Yo, which one of you pygmies wants the precious?
HARRY
I'm telling you, that's not-
SMEAGOL
I would like the precious...
DOB
Boom! Three pointer. Ron, give those little bastards the precious.
RON
What would that even-
[DOB swiftly pushes RON into the little GOLLUMS, who immediately start clawing at his stupid flesh.]
DOB
Swish! I'm the best.
DAY 17
[HARRY, RON, DOB and some of the other RANDOM INTERCHANGEABLE STUDENTS are discussing women problems.]
RON
It's so difficult. I know Hermione fancies me, but I just started dating Lavendar, and it would be unfair of her if I abandoned our relationship. But HERMIONE and I are such good friends.
DOB
Uh huh.
HARRY
And I'm in love with Ron's sister, but I don't know how she feels about me, and I don't know what that would do to our friendship.
SOME OTHER KID
My word, these are tricky situations!
DOB
Tell me about it. I heard Ron cries when he poops.
RON
That's just a rumor, where did you hear it?
DOB
I forget, I think some guy screamed it while he was f***ing Hermione on your bed last night. We're getting off topic here, the point is Harry's sad about some crap or whatever.
DUMBLEDORE
I know what we need, we need something to take our minds off our girl troubles, and Ron's unfortunate toilet situation.
RON
It's not-
DOB
Like a baby, Dr. Wizard, a giant, pooping baby, it's awful.
DAY 20
[RON, HARRY and DOB are visiting their CREEPY, ELDERLY PROFESSOR SLUGHORN who hands them UNMARKED GLASSES FULL OF SOME LIQUID, and the children all take the drinks, because Hogwarts teaches LOUSY DRAGON MAGIC and INVISIBLE BROOM-SCREWING instead of D.A.R.E and COMMON SENSE. RON takes a sip and almost immediately starts stumbling and clutching his throat. He falls to the floor.]
HARRY
Ron! What's wrong?
RON
[Coughing.]
This... wine is... poison.
HARRY
No!
DOB
Poison?
RON
Yes!
DOB
Deadly?
RON
[A crushed gasp.]
Yes.
DOB
Moving it slow?
RON
[The life draining.]
Yeah... I guess.
DOB
Lookin' for a mellow fellow like DeVoe?
RON
[Turning blue.]
...what?
HARRY
Not now, DOB. Don’t worry, we'll save you, Ron. We've got to do something, quick!
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
I'll call the authorities.
DOB
Let's cure it 'cause we're runnin' outta time!
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Yeah, we got it, DOB. It'll be alright, Ron, we'll get through this.
HARRY
If I knew what the poison was, I could reverse it!
DOB
Oh, I know!
HARRY
How do you know?
DOB
Me and the crew used to do him! Bam!
HARRY
Oh, Goddammit, shut up, we need to save Ron.
DOB
Eh.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Who could have done this?
HARRY
The one whose name we dare not speak, I'm sure he was behind it.
DOB
I may have an idea.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Or it could've been Draco! He's always had it out for Ron.
HARRY
Oh, right, Draco, that's right, it was probably him, too.
DOB
Was it a big butt, Ron? A smile? Did you trust them? Because, really-
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
He hasn't much time left!
HARRY
Hang in there, buddy.
DOB
-you should never trust a big butt and a-
HARRY AND SLUGHORN
SHUT THE HELL UP!
DOB
P-P-P-P-Poison!
RON, HERMIONE, HARRY , Lavender and Hogwarts' newest student, DOB, are seated at that big cafeteria or whatever, discussing this and that. DOB tells a story, smirking like an @sshole.]
DOB
And then I says, "More like SHITerin!" Get it?
RON
Yes.
DOB
Because I took a crap in the sorting hat.
RON
I said yes.
DOB
And I said kiss ass, guy, I was talking to Hermione.
HERMIONE
It was a lovely joke.
DOB
Bam. Two points, Ron, count it.
[RON slumps in his chair.]
HARRY
I have a bad feeling about this year, guys. Something deep in the pit of my stomach.
HERMIONE
I know what you mean.
DOB
Yeah, totally. Say, by the way, Lavender, when you turnin' 15, girl? That happening soon, or what?
RON
Fifteen is still illegal in this state. In all states, everywhere.
DOB
This goddam- What is your problem, guy? Was someone talking to you? Dammit, go eat that chocolate that turns people into rats or whatever.
HARRY
[Quietly]
That's not this movie.
RON
You're thinking of Witches.
DOB
Actually I'm thinking of eat shit, Beasley, what is your deal?
DAY 4
[HARRY is in his dorm room getting ready for the OBLIGATORY GAME OF POINTLESS QUIDDITCH. DOB is quietly planting HARD WIZARD DRUGS in RON'S DRESSER.]
HARRY
Alright, DOB, I'm about to head out to the big game. Are you sure you don't want to play?
DOB
Nah. I'ma try to call Lavender so we can set up our own game of Quidditch, if you catch my boner.
HARRY
Right. See you later, then.
DOB
Yeah, man, go- Holy Crap. Is that how you're going to dress?
HARRY
I... this is traditional wizard garb, for Quidditch, I thought-
DOB
Yeesh. Boo. It looks like a shitty community theater is staging a musical version of my nightmares and you're auditioning for the female lead.
HARRY
I'm not sure I-
DOB
You look like the worst kind of lesbian.
HARRY
Got it.
DAY 9
[DUMBLEDORE, an old fellow with a long beard who constantly dresses in robes, has gathered a few of the students in his PRIVATE QUARTERS to tell them some SECRETS, which is probably a good idea in a movie/book that is aimed at LITTLE CHILDREN.]
HERMIONE
Dumbledore, it's not fair.
DOB
Oh, hell yeah, you tell him, 'Mione.
HARRY
It really is unfortunate, Dumbledore, is there nothing we can do?
HERMIONE
This is ruining all of my plans!
DUMBLEDORE
I'm sorry, but there's not much I can do. We're short staffed, so I'm afraid I can't offer Potions as a course this year.
DOB
Is that what we're all pissed about? This is the stupidest wizard camp ever.
HERMIONE
I'm certain that class would earn me high enough marks to make it to the top of the school.
DUMBLEDORE
It's out of my hands! I'm afraid with our high level of mysterious murders, fewer and fewer teachers want to work here.
DOB
Yeah, that'll do it.
HARRY
Could Snape double up on a class?
RON
Or couldn't we cut one of the other courses?
HERMIONE
It's because Professor Slughorn left. He could have taught this class. He was supposed to, wasn't he?
DOB
Who's Slughorn?
HARRY
We need Slughorn. We need to get him back.
DOB
Hey, guys, who's Slughorn?
RON
Good luck with that. He's gone off to live with the Muggles, he's in hiding.
HARRY
But we can find him... With Dumbledore's help!
DOB
Alright screw you guys.
DUMBLEDORE
It can be done. I can track him down... Do you think you children could convince him to come back?
HARRY
I'm positive!
DOB
What an awesome plot for a movie about wizards.
DAY 14
[Our heroes are stuck on an island, surrounded by a bunch of little PALE GOBLINS OR SOMETHING.]
RON
This looks dangerous! What'll we do, Harry?
HARRY
Our magic is blocked here, for some reason, we can't disapparate, there's some kind of enchantment. We're running out of options.
DOB
[Slowly waking from an ALCOHOL-INDUCED COMA]
Oh, man, that was a- Oh, for cryin out loud, are you kidding me? What have you morons gotten us into?
HARRY
Thank goodness you're awake, we've got to-
DOB
Yeah, listen, shut up for like 10 seconds, here, it's a little early for your crap, know what I mean?
HARRY
I apologize.
RON
It's seven o'clock at night...
DOB
More like... stupid o'cock at... at all over your face, and there's... Oh go screw yourself, Ron, no one's talking to you.
[HARRY nods in agreement.]
DOB
Alright, I'll get us out of this. F***. F***, f***, f***, let's think about this. F***. We can't use magic, Hermione's probably still asleep and incredibly sore, and I broke Dumbledore's wand for a reason I can't immediately remember. We've got an army of Gollum's happening right now, I say our only option is feeding them Ron's gay face and converting the rest of Ron into a boat that we can paddle to shore. Or maybe we'll just turn him into, like, a puppet or something, whichever's funnier. That guy's the worst.
HARRY
We can't! And those aren't Gollums, you're confusing franchises again.
DOB
What? Bullshit those aren't Gollums. (Addressing the Gollums): Yo, which one of you pygmies wants the precious?
HARRY
I'm telling you, that's not-
SMEAGOL
I would like the precious...
DOB
Boom! Three pointer. Ron, give those little bastards the precious.
RON
What would that even-
[DOB swiftly pushes RON into the little GOLLUMS, who immediately start clawing at his stupid flesh.]
DOB
Swish! I'm the best.
DAY 17
[HARRY, RON, DOB and some of the other RANDOM INTERCHANGEABLE STUDENTS are discussing women problems.]
RON
It's so difficult. I know Hermione fancies me, but I just started dating Lavendar, and it would be unfair of her if I abandoned our relationship. But HERMIONE and I are such good friends.
DOB
Uh huh.
HARRY
And I'm in love with Ron's sister, but I don't know how she feels about me, and I don't know what that would do to our friendship.
SOME OTHER KID
My word, these are tricky situations!
DOB
Tell me about it. I heard Ron cries when he poops.
RON
That's just a rumor, where did you hear it?
DOB
I forget, I think some guy screamed it while he was f***ing Hermione on your bed last night. We're getting off topic here, the point is Harry's sad about some crap or whatever.
DUMBLEDORE
I know what we need, we need something to take our minds off our girl troubles, and Ron's unfortunate toilet situation.
RON
It's not-
DOB
Like a baby, Dr. Wizard, a giant, pooping baby, it's awful.
DAY 20
[RON, HARRY and DOB are visiting their CREEPY, ELDERLY PROFESSOR SLUGHORN who hands them UNMARKED GLASSES FULL OF SOME LIQUID, and the children all take the drinks, because Hogwarts teaches LOUSY DRAGON MAGIC and INVISIBLE BROOM-SCREWING instead of D.A.R.E and COMMON SENSE. RON takes a sip and almost immediately starts stumbling and clutching his throat. He falls to the floor.]
HARRY
Ron! What's wrong?
RON
[Coughing.]
This... wine is... poison.
HARRY
No!
DOB
Poison?
RON
Yes!
DOB
Deadly?
RON
[A crushed gasp.]
Yes.
DOB
Moving it slow?
RON
[The life draining.]
Yeah... I guess.
DOB
Lookin' for a mellow fellow like DeVoe?
RON
[Turning blue.]
...what?
HARRY
Not now, DOB. Don’t worry, we'll save you, Ron. We've got to do something, quick!
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
I'll call the authorities.
DOB
Let's cure it 'cause we're runnin' outta time!
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Yeah, we got it, DOB. It'll be alright, Ron, we'll get through this.
HARRY
If I knew what the poison was, I could reverse it!
DOB
Oh, I know!
HARRY
How do you know?
DOB
Me and the crew used to do him! Bam!
HARRY
Oh, Goddammit, shut up, we need to save Ron.
DOB
Eh.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Who could have done this?
HARRY
The one whose name we dare not speak, I'm sure he was behind it.
DOB
I may have an idea.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Or it could've been Draco! He's always had it out for Ron.
HARRY
Oh, right, Draco, that's right, it was probably him, too.
DOB
Was it a big butt, Ron? A smile? Did you trust them? Because, really-
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
He hasn't much time left!
HARRY
Hang in there, buddy.
DOB
-you should never trust a big butt and a-
HARRY AND SLUGHORN
SHUT THE HELL UP!
DOB
P-P-P-P-Poison!
Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince
Since the blog is kinda dormant for the moment , i find no harm in posting this post as no one actually cares and stuff
DAY 1
[RON, HERMIONE, HARRY , Lavender and Hogwarts' newest student, DOB, are seated at that big cafeteria or whatever, discussing this and that. DOB tells a story, smirking like an @sshole.]
DOB
And then I says, "More like SHITerin!" Get it?
RON
Yes.
DOB
Because I took a crap in the sorting hat.
RON
I said yes.
DOB
And I said kiss dick, guy, I was talking to Hermione.
HERMIONE
It was a lovely joke.
DOB
Bam. Two points, Ron, count it.
[RON slumps in his chair.]
HARRY
I have a bad feeling about this year, guys. Something deep in the pit of my stomach.
HERMIONE
I know what you mean.
DOB
Yeah, totally. Say, by the way, Lavender, when you turnin' 15, girl? That happening soon, or what?
RON
Fifteen is still illegal in this state. In all states, everywhere.
DOB
This retar- What is your problem, guy? Was someone talking to you? Dammit, go eat that chocolate that turns people into rats or whatever.
HARRY
[Quietly]
That's not this movie.
RON
You're thinking of Witches.
DOB
Actually I'm thinking of eat crap, Beasley, what is your deal?
DAY 4
[HARRY is in his dorm room getting ready for the OBLIGATORY GAME OF POINTLESS QUIDDITCH. DOB is quietly planting HARD WIZARD DRUGS in RON'S DRESSER.]
HARRY
Alright, DOB, I'm about to head out to the big game. Are you sure you don't want to play?
DOB
Nah. I'ma try to call Lavender so we can set up our own game of Quidditch, if you catch my boner.
HARRY
Right. See you later, then.
DOB
Yeah, man, go- Holy crap. Is that how you're going to dress?
HARRY
I... this is traditional wizard garb, for Quidditch, I thought-
DOB
Yeesh. Boo. It looks like a shitty community theater is staging a musical version of my nightmares and you're auditioning for the female lead.
HARRY
I'm not sure I-
DOB
You look like the worst kind of lesbian.
HARRY
Got it.
DAY 9
[DUMBLEDORE, an old fellow with a long beard who constantly dresses in robes, has gathered a few of the students in his PRIVATE QUARTERS to tell them some SECRETS, which is probably a good idea in a movie/book that is aimed at LITTLE CHILDREN.]
HERMIONE
Dumbledore, it's not fair.
DOB
Oh, hell yeah, you tell him, 'Mione.
HARRY
It really is unfortunate, Dumbledore, is there nothing we can do?
HERMIONE
This is ruining all of my plans!
DUMBLEDORE
I'm sorry, but there's not much I can do. We're short staffed, so I'm afraid I can't offer Potions as a course this year.
DOB
Is that what we're all pissed about? This is the stupidest wizard camp ever.
HERMIONE
I'm certain that class would earn me high enough marks to make it to the top of the school.
DUMBLEDORE
It's out of my hands! I'm afraid with our high level of mysterious murders, fewer and fewer teachers want to work here.
DOB
Yeah, that'll do it.
HARRY
Could Snape double up on a class?
RON
Or couldn't we cut one of the other courses?
HERMIONE
It's because Professor Slughorn left. He could have taught this class. He was supposed to, wasn't he?
DOB
Who's Slughorn?
HARRY
We need Slughorn. We need to get him back.
DOB
Hey, guys, who's Slughorn?
RON
Good luck with that. He's gone off to live with the Muggles, he's in hiding.
HARRY
But we can find him... With Dumbledore's help!
DOB
Alright screw you guys.
DUMBLEDORE
It can be done. I can track him down... Do you think you children could convince him to come back?
HARRY
I'm positive!
DOB
What an awesome plot for a movie about wizards.
DAY 14
[Our heroes are stuck on an island, surrounded by a bunch of little PALE GOBLINS OR SOMETHING.]
RON
This looks dangerous! What'll we do, Harry?
HARRY
Our magic is blocked here, for some reason, we can't disapparate, there's some kind of enchantment. We're running out of options.
DOB
[Slowly waking from an ALCOHOL-INDUCED COMA]
Oh, man, that was a- Oh, Goddamn it are you kidding me? What have you morons gotten us into?
HARRY
Thank goodness you're awake, we've got to-
DOB
Yeah, listen, shut up for like 10 seconds, here, it's a little early for your crap, know what I mean?
HARRY
I apologize.
RON
It's seven o'clock at night...
DOB
More like... stupid o'cock at... at all over your face, and there's... Oh go screw yourself, Ron, no one's talking to you.
[HARRY nods in agreement.]
DOB
Alright, I'll get us out of this. F***. F***, f***, f*, let's think about this. F***. We can't use magic, Hermione's probably still asleep and incredibly sore, and I broke Dumbledore's wand for a reason I can't immediately remember. We've got an army of Gollum's happening right now, I say our only option is feeding them Ron's gay face and converting the rest of Ron into a boat that we can paddle to shore. Or maybe we'll just turn him into, like, a puppet or something, whichever's funnier. That guy's the worst.
HARRY
We can't! And those aren't Gollums, you're confusing franchises again.
DOB
What? Bullshit those aren't Gollums. (Addressing the Gollums): Yo, which one of you pygmies wants the precious?
HARRY
I'm telling you, that's not-
SMEAGOL
I would like the precious...
DOB
Boom! Three pointer. Ron, give those little bastards the precious.
RON
What would that even-
[DOB swiftly pushes RON into the little GOLLUMS, who immediately start clawing at his stupid flesh.]
DOB
Swish! I'm the best.
DAY 17
[HARRY, RON, DOB and some of the other RANDOM INTERCHANGEABLE STUDENTS are discussing women problems.]
RON
It's so difficult. I know Hermione fancies me, but I just started dating Lavendar, and it would be unfair of her if I abandoned our relationship. But HERMIONE and I are such good friends.
DOB
Uh huh.
HARRY
And I'm in love with Ron's sister, but I don't know how she feels about me, and I don't know what that would do to our friendship.
SOME OTHER KID
My word, these are tricky situations!
DOB
Tell me about it. I heard Ron cries when he poops.
RON
That's just a rumor, where did you hear it?
DOB
I forgot, I think some guy screamed it while he was boning Hermione on my bed last night. We're getting off topic here, the point is Harry's sad about some bullshit or whatever.
DUMBLEDORE
I know what we need, we need something to take our minds off our girl troubles, and Ron's unfortunate toilet situation.
RON
It's not-
DOB
Like a baby, Dr. Wizard, a giant, pooping baby, it's awful.
DAY 20
[RON, HARRY and DOB are visiting their CREEPY, ELDERLY PROFESSOR SLUGHORN who hands them UNMARKED GLASSES FULL OF SOME LIQUID, and the children all take the drinks, because Hogwarts teaches BULLSHIT DRAGON MAGIC and INVISIBLE BROOM-SCREWING instead of D.A.R.E and COMMON SENSE. RON takes a sip and almost immediately starts stumbling and clutching his throat. He falls to the floor.]
HARRY
Ron! What's wrong?
RON
[Coughing.]
This... wine is... poison.
HARRY
No!
DOB
Poison?
RON
Yes!
DOB
Deadly?
RON
[A crushed gasp.]
Yes.
DOB
Moving it slow?
RON
[The life draining.]
Yeah... I guess.
DOB
Lookin' for a mellow fellow like DeVoe?
RON
[Turning blue.]
...what?
HARRY
Not now, DOB. Don’t worry, we'll save you, Ron. We've got to do something, quick!
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
I'll call the authorities.
DOB
Let's cure it 'cause we're runnin' outta time!
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Yeah, we got it, DOB. It'll be alright, Ron, we'll get through this.
HARRY
If I knew what the poison was, I could reverse it!
DOB
Oh, I know!
HARRY
How do you know?
DOB
Me and the crew used to do him! Bam!
HARRY
Oh, Goddammit, shut up, we need to save Ron.
DOB
Eh.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Who could have done this?
HARRY
The one whose name we dare not speak, I'm sure he was behind it.
DOB
I may have an idea.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Or it could've been Draco! He's always had it out for Ron.
HARRY
Oh, f***ing Draco, that's right, it was probably him, too.
DOB
Was it a big butt, Ron? A smile? Did you trust them? Because, really-
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
He hasn't much time left!
HARRY
Hang in there, buddy.
DOB
-you should never trust a big butt and a-
HARRY AND SLUGHORN
SHUT THE HELL UP!
DOB
P-P-P-P-Poison!
DAY 1
[RON, HERMIONE, HARRY , Lavender and Hogwarts' newest student, DOB, are seated at that big cafeteria or whatever, discussing this and that. DOB tells a story, smirking like an @sshole.]
DOB
And then I says, "More like SHITerin!" Get it?
RON
Yes.
DOB
Because I took a crap in the sorting hat.
RON
I said yes.
DOB
And I said kiss dick, guy, I was talking to Hermione.
HERMIONE
It was a lovely joke.
DOB
Bam. Two points, Ron, count it.
[RON slumps in his chair.]
HARRY
I have a bad feeling about this year, guys. Something deep in the pit of my stomach.
HERMIONE
I know what you mean.
DOB
Yeah, totally. Say, by the way, Lavender, when you turnin' 15, girl? That happening soon, or what?
RON
Fifteen is still illegal in this state. In all states, everywhere.
DOB
This retar- What is your problem, guy? Was someone talking to you? Dammit, go eat that chocolate that turns people into rats or whatever.
HARRY
[Quietly]
That's not this movie.
RON
You're thinking of Witches.
DOB
Actually I'm thinking of eat crap, Beasley, what is your deal?
DAY 4
[HARRY is in his dorm room getting ready for the OBLIGATORY GAME OF POINTLESS QUIDDITCH. DOB is quietly planting HARD WIZARD DRUGS in RON'S DRESSER.]
HARRY
Alright, DOB, I'm about to head out to the big game. Are you sure you don't want to play?
DOB
Nah. I'ma try to call Lavender so we can set up our own game of Quidditch, if you catch my boner.
HARRY
Right. See you later, then.
DOB
Yeah, man, go- Holy crap. Is that how you're going to dress?
HARRY
I... this is traditional wizard garb, for Quidditch, I thought-
DOB
Yeesh. Boo. It looks like a shitty community theater is staging a musical version of my nightmares and you're auditioning for the female lead.
HARRY
I'm not sure I-
DOB
You look like the worst kind of lesbian.
HARRY
Got it.
DAY 9
[DUMBLEDORE, an old fellow with a long beard who constantly dresses in robes, has gathered a few of the students in his PRIVATE QUARTERS to tell them some SECRETS, which is probably a good idea in a movie/book that is aimed at LITTLE CHILDREN.]
HERMIONE
Dumbledore, it's not fair.
DOB
Oh, hell yeah, you tell him, 'Mione.
HARRY
It really is unfortunate, Dumbledore, is there nothing we can do?
HERMIONE
This is ruining all of my plans!
DUMBLEDORE
I'm sorry, but there's not much I can do. We're short staffed, so I'm afraid I can't offer Potions as a course this year.
DOB
Is that what we're all pissed about? This is the stupidest wizard camp ever.
HERMIONE
I'm certain that class would earn me high enough marks to make it to the top of the school.
DUMBLEDORE
It's out of my hands! I'm afraid with our high level of mysterious murders, fewer and fewer teachers want to work here.
DOB
Yeah, that'll do it.
HARRY
Could Snape double up on a class?
RON
Or couldn't we cut one of the other courses?
HERMIONE
It's because Professor Slughorn left. He could have taught this class. He was supposed to, wasn't he?
DOB
Who's Slughorn?
HARRY
We need Slughorn. We need to get him back.
DOB
Hey, guys, who's Slughorn?
RON
Good luck with that. He's gone off to live with the Muggles, he's in hiding.
HARRY
But we can find him... With Dumbledore's help!
DOB
Alright screw you guys.
DUMBLEDORE
It can be done. I can track him down... Do you think you children could convince him to come back?
HARRY
I'm positive!
DOB
What an awesome plot for a movie about wizards.
DAY 14
[Our heroes are stuck on an island, surrounded by a bunch of little PALE GOBLINS OR SOMETHING.]
RON
This looks dangerous! What'll we do, Harry?
HARRY
Our magic is blocked here, for some reason, we can't disapparate, there's some kind of enchantment. We're running out of options.
DOB
[Slowly waking from an ALCOHOL-INDUCED COMA]
Oh, man, that was a- Oh, Goddamn it are you kidding me? What have you morons gotten us into?
HARRY
Thank goodness you're awake, we've got to-
DOB
Yeah, listen, shut up for like 10 seconds, here, it's a little early for your crap, know what I mean?
HARRY
I apologize.
RON
It's seven o'clock at night...
DOB
More like... stupid o'cock at... at all over your face, and there's... Oh go screw yourself, Ron, no one's talking to you.
[HARRY nods in agreement.]
DOB
Alright, I'll get us out of this. F***. F***, f***, f*, let's think about this. F***. We can't use magic, Hermione's probably still asleep and incredibly sore, and I broke Dumbledore's wand for a reason I can't immediately remember. We've got an army of Gollum's happening right now, I say our only option is feeding them Ron's gay face and converting the rest of Ron into a boat that we can paddle to shore. Or maybe we'll just turn him into, like, a puppet or something, whichever's funnier. That guy's the worst.
HARRY
We can't! And those aren't Gollums, you're confusing franchises again.
DOB
What? Bullshit those aren't Gollums. (Addressing the Gollums): Yo, which one of you pygmies wants the precious?
HARRY
I'm telling you, that's not-
SMEAGOL
I would like the precious...
DOB
Boom! Three pointer. Ron, give those little bastards the precious.
RON
What would that even-
[DOB swiftly pushes RON into the little GOLLUMS, who immediately start clawing at his stupid flesh.]
DOB
Swish! I'm the best.
DAY 17
[HARRY, RON, DOB and some of the other RANDOM INTERCHANGEABLE STUDENTS are discussing women problems.]
RON
It's so difficult. I know Hermione fancies me, but I just started dating Lavendar, and it would be unfair of her if I abandoned our relationship. But HERMIONE and I are such good friends.
DOB
Uh huh.
HARRY
And I'm in love with Ron's sister, but I don't know how she feels about me, and I don't know what that would do to our friendship.
SOME OTHER KID
My word, these are tricky situations!
DOB
Tell me about it. I heard Ron cries when he poops.
RON
That's just a rumor, where did you hear it?
DOB
I forgot, I think some guy screamed it while he was boning Hermione on my bed last night. We're getting off topic here, the point is Harry's sad about some bullshit or whatever.
DUMBLEDORE
I know what we need, we need something to take our minds off our girl troubles, and Ron's unfortunate toilet situation.
RON
It's not-
DOB
Like a baby, Dr. Wizard, a giant, pooping baby, it's awful.
DAY 20
[RON, HARRY and DOB are visiting their CREEPY, ELDERLY PROFESSOR SLUGHORN who hands them UNMARKED GLASSES FULL OF SOME LIQUID, and the children all take the drinks, because Hogwarts teaches BULLSHIT DRAGON MAGIC and INVISIBLE BROOM-SCREWING instead of D.A.R.E and COMMON SENSE. RON takes a sip and almost immediately starts stumbling and clutching his throat. He falls to the floor.]
HARRY
Ron! What's wrong?
RON
[Coughing.]
This... wine is... poison.
HARRY
No!
DOB
Poison?
RON
Yes!
DOB
Deadly?
RON
[A crushed gasp.]
Yes.
DOB
Moving it slow?
RON
[The life draining.]
Yeah... I guess.
DOB
Lookin' for a mellow fellow like DeVoe?
RON
[Turning blue.]
...what?
HARRY
Not now, DOB. Don’t worry, we'll save you, Ron. We've got to do something, quick!
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
I'll call the authorities.
DOB
Let's cure it 'cause we're runnin' outta time!
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Yeah, we got it, DOB. It'll be alright, Ron, we'll get through this.
HARRY
If I knew what the poison was, I could reverse it!
DOB
Oh, I know!
HARRY
How do you know?
DOB
Me and the crew used to do him! Bam!
HARRY
Oh, Goddammit, shut up, we need to save Ron.
DOB
Eh.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Who could have done this?
HARRY
The one whose name we dare not speak, I'm sure he was behind it.
DOB
I may have an idea.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
Or it could've been Draco! He's always had it out for Ron.
HARRY
Oh, f***ing Draco, that's right, it was probably him, too.
DOB
Was it a big butt, Ron? A smile? Did you trust them? Because, really-
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN
He hasn't much time left!
HARRY
Hang in there, buddy.
DOB
-you should never trust a big butt and a-
HARRY AND SLUGHORN
SHUT THE HELL UP!
DOB
P-P-P-P-Poison!
GODDAMN GOOMBAS
Hello you trojan horses (lol). Yes, this is rather late as the season was long over.
But but but, yes, the league is over.
But but but congratulations to winners, losers, name changers, tagboard taggers, Capiche & Co.(and thier manager) for TRYING to challenge the big boys in the league and a special thank you to random blog post-ers such as the one about me wearing tights (you goddamn goombas, and yeah I do wear tights during soccer matches, suck on that hoe).
Anyway there's the final standings. Congratulations to Taufiq Matin.
Darren Chow failed to hold his balls at the top of the peak, good going hamster.
Faddo Faddo made way for 2 young managers after his impressively long run at the top.
You gotta let the kids have a shot at the tittle yeah.
Firdaus just got through the UEFA CL place after a disappointing season of catching up.
Evan Chong and Leon Khoo made good runs during the season.
Asyraf, okay.
Til' next season, you goddamn goombas!
KILL YO' SELF!
ps. check out the picture file names. ahhaah.
Tomorrow's outing (or rather later's)
I know it's kind of pointless to be putting the following post up at this ungodly hour but nethertheless,
Here is the information for tomorrow's 2C class outing provided to me by Darren via Sms.
Meeting Place/Time:
-11am at Choa Chu Kang Interchange
OR
-11:15am at Woodlands Mrt Station
Event:
-Buffet @ Seol Garden @ Causeway Point
( or Siol Garden, depending on who you're asking.. )
I know very well that this post doesn't help you,
But I felt bored so I still went ahead with it,
And I also had to do something to push down,
That nonsensical post that was totally believably written by "Mr Seet"
By the way, the above information may not be entirely correct,
So just in case, any blame or misunderstandings resulting from this cannot be attributed to the blog nor poster,
Thank you.
-Evan
Here is the information for tomorrow's 2C class outing provided to me by Darren via Sms.
Meeting Place/Time:
-11am at Choa Chu Kang Interchange
OR
-11:15am at Woodlands Mrt Station
Event:
-Buffet @ Seol Garden @ Causeway Point
( or Siol Garden, depending on who you're asking.. )
I know very well that this post doesn't help you,
But I felt bored so I still went ahead with it,
And I also had to do something to push down,
That nonsensical post that was totally believably written by "Mr Seet"
By the way, the above information may not be entirely correct,
So just in case, any blame or misunderstandings resulting from this cannot be attributed to the blog nor poster,
Thank you.
-Evan
Wanted: Dead Or Alive
Mr Seet Tiat Hee
The Office at Level One Outside the Hellhole Where the DM resides
Dear, (Insert Dood's name here)
Dope...How the hell are you supposed to work this shizzaz shit? Anywayz I have been visiting this . . . blog and I am very shocked to see ur apparent lack of class spirit. Therefore, I will not hesitate to TEAR THIS S##T RIDDEN BLOG DOWN . Wait... I mean , all the people's names on the 'board that has so many links' will get detention until they turn 300, or at least when they lie down in that crummy hell hole box.
Anyway, the reason for my entry is to show you all a shocking discovery of something that I discovered while going to school . 
You can see from this picture that it is some student called 'Fadil' who was controlling the guy in red tights whilst the person responsible for controlling the one in WHITE tights was apparently called 'Darren'. The black robo-guy is some dood called 'Perky' and it appears that they were fighting. Apparently, 'Perky' was being slammed repeatedly in the nuts but he was ... er.... unfazed. Therefore , Anyone who spots these people again should report directly to the Office on the First Level Outside the Hellhole Where the DM resides. Thank you.
Btw, can you please send me a video of 'Matin' getting taupigged as I am very interested in seeing how this mating ritual is conducted.
Your Awesomeness,
Mr Seet
Err
This is the first update in quite a while,
and I don't think anyone bothers about fantasy football anymore but nevertheless,
there, complete with a sucky cutout from a screenshot,
and no cocky comments to boot.
Fantasy Football Update by Darren
Same old shit. Me owning. whoopeePants is dope. All your bases are ours changed name again, and DioVida, the guy who made the previous shitty FFL update is getting pawnsssed. (Leon, this is how you update the FFL, with pics and stats. Get it in your head, damn it.)
Seriously, everyone's busy in Sec 3 so don't expect such frequent updates. If you aren't busy, then something is clearly wrong.
Darren
The Star of FFL, Past, Present, and Future.
Last update (BS)
Once again this is the last FFL update to grace the blog of 2c. Sigh (CRAP)And seriously, these guys who USUALLY update the FFL appear really free to me... What are you guys doing, wanking?Anyways, i guess i have to take over the job thenP.S no table this time my lappie doesnt have a save screenshot function yet
11084 West Spring Soldiers /Darren Chow 662
12774 2c united Taufiq /Matin 631
15906 Asswipe United /Faddo Faddo 566
17071 Capiche & Co. /Muhammad Firdaus 539
20134 Ladies first /Evan Chong 450
21939 DioVida /Leon Khoo 384
99999 whoopeePants! /muhammad asyraf 0
As usual Darren has overtaken us through his noobness thus letting us know the famous phrase of 'beginner's luck' and i suppose he only got it this far because of his awesome newbness which his STAR player , steven gerrard thought it was cute and decided to win a few points before dumping him into the sewers.
And taufiq probably lost his momentum like... 2 months ago? And thus we all sincerely offer him our apologies but he probably wont notice... Jeez
Fadil and firdaus fighting for the table scraps annd have a NEArly same score... I suppose one of them has to give in any moment
Evan chong is doing horribly and his name's probably changed his karma... so CHANGE IT AGAIN
Leon has an uber score so far despite being the last one to join the friggin league and i wont be surprised if we restart the scores , We will see whos the owner then...
And im not gonna mention the tard who decided to give FFL the finger and waste our time typing his score which would have made Dexter sit up and beg (He's a loser that i happen to know)
And P.S , the jokes suck and once again i have to implement that fad and darren are 1337 pussies as they arnt really owning and as for darren's case, he's wanking... hard
11084 West Spring Soldiers /Darren Chow 662
12774 2c united Taufiq /Matin 631
15906 Asswipe United /Faddo Faddo 566
17071 Capiche & Co. /Muhammad Firdaus 539
20134 Ladies first /Evan Chong 450
21939 DioVida /Leon Khoo 384
99999 whoopeePants! /muhammad asyraf 0
As usual Darren has overtaken us through his noobness thus letting us know the famous phrase of 'beginner's luck' and i suppose he only got it this far because of his awesome newbness which his STAR player , steven gerrard thought it was cute and decided to win a few points before dumping him into the sewers.
And taufiq probably lost his momentum like... 2 months ago? And thus we all sincerely offer him our apologies but he probably wont notice... Jeez
Fadil and firdaus fighting for the table scraps annd have a NEArly same score... I suppose one of them has to give in any moment
Evan chong is doing horribly and his name's probably changed his karma... so CHANGE IT AGAIN
Leon has an uber score so far despite being the last one to join the friggin league and i wont be surprised if we restart the scores , We will see whos the owner then...
And im not gonna mention the tard who decided to give FFL the finger and waste our time typing his score which would have made Dexter sit up and beg (He's a loser that i happen to know)
And P.S , the jokes suck and once again i have to implement that fad and darren are 1337 pussies as they arnt really owning and as for darren's case, he's wanking... hard