I emailed my husband this morning to inform him of my new weight: 175.5. I got on that scale five times to make sure. lol He replied that it is a magical number and a huge milestone in HIS eyes. It is a "round" number and I see what he's saying.
It's nice to no longer be obese. It's nice to wear size 14. It's nice for that scale to continue moving downward. It's nice to see an end in sight. It's nice that I can fill in my goal chart. It's nice that the legs in my size 14 pants are loose. (Darned tummy, that's not. lol)
I'm just SOOOOOO happy. I've got this.
To infinity and beyond!
11.28.2011
11.21.2011
Goodbye Obesity, I'm Now Overweight
I hit another major goal. I have gone from being obese to overweight according to the BMI charts.
WOOT! Only 28 pounds until I'm in the normal category! Watch me do it!
WOOT! Only 28 pounds until I'm in the normal category! Watch me do it!
11.14.2011
Size 14!!!!!!!!!!
I just bought a pair of jeans a couple weeks ago, size 16. They were loose in the leg. Well, they kept getting looser, so today I went to the thrift store and found three looks-like-new jeans. Levi's, Vanderbilts and a generic pair. All size 14.
Went to the fitting room, put them on, and ALL fit.
I cried. I could not help it, I cried.
I have not been a size 14 in more than 18 years.
When I got to the register, I cried. I told the clerks I had lost 103 pounds and how long it had been since I wore this size and they cheered me on.
I am on TOP of the world.
Went to the fitting room, put them on, and ALL fit.
I cried. I could not help it, I cried.
I have not been a size 14 in more than 18 years.
When I got to the register, I cried. I told the clerks I had lost 103 pounds and how long it had been since I wore this size and they cheered me on.
I am on TOP of the world.
11.07.2011
100 Pounds Gone!!!!!!!
101.5 to be exact!!!WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anything is possible. Just keep at it.
10.14.2011
180's
I don't blog much anymore. I don't know why! I'm really kicking it right now with weight loss.
Anyway, I hit 189 pounds today. First time since 1993 that I've been in the 180s. I broke my "192" curse. I got to 192 in 2001 and again in January of this year. Both times I gained weight. The first time was stress and I gave up. This year it was the kidney stone surgery/depression/change of diet due to the kidney stones.
Well, since August 1st I've been hot and on the move. I busted that curse and plan on keep going all the way to goal--whatever that is. I updated my goal page, and I'm re-thinking what exactly my goal is. I still say I'll know it when I get there.
Unbelievable to think I'm in the 180s. Me. After all the grief, pain, and hard work: finally. I'm six and a half pounds from losing 100 pounds. I WILL be there soon.
Anyway, I hit 189 pounds today. First time since 1993 that I've been in the 180s. I broke my "192" curse. I got to 192 in 2001 and again in January of this year. Both times I gained weight. The first time was stress and I gave up. This year it was the kidney stone surgery/depression/change of diet due to the kidney stones.
Well, since August 1st I've been hot and on the move. I busted that curse and plan on keep going all the way to goal--whatever that is. I updated my goal page, and I'm re-thinking what exactly my goal is. I still say I'll know it when I get there.
Unbelievable to think I'm in the 180s. Me. After all the grief, pain, and hard work: finally. I'm six and a half pounds from losing 100 pounds. I WILL be there soon.
10.03.2011
Monday Morning Weigh In
5 pound loss this week. Holy buckets of fat, Batman!
I think stress did me in this past week. It was very scary, something personal happened and then I got a bad reading on a mammogram. Turns out everything was a-okay with the mammogram, Thank you, God, and the other problem is slowly working itself out.
For the first time in my life, I did not crave food when I was stressed. The opposite happened, I did not want to eat. I never understood that before. Food made me nauseous. Strange--when did that happen! By Friday I was eating normally again, though. It's very strange to force oneself to eat, though.
I'll take the loss either way. I'm now 2 pounds away from my weight before my kidney stone surgery, which rocks. Moving in the right direction, back on track, emotionally improving--with room to grow.
Making big mistakes that bite me in the a$$ BUT learning instead of beating myself up, that mistakes make us learn and grow. So no guilt, just lessons learned. Growing. Moving forward.
I think stress did me in this past week. It was very scary, something personal happened and then I got a bad reading on a mammogram. Turns out everything was a-okay with the mammogram, Thank you, God, and the other problem is slowly working itself out.
For the first time in my life, I did not crave food when I was stressed. The opposite happened, I did not want to eat. I never understood that before. Food made me nauseous. Strange--when did that happen! By Friday I was eating normally again, though. It's very strange to force oneself to eat, though.
I'll take the loss either way. I'm now 2 pounds away from my weight before my kidney stone surgery, which rocks. Moving in the right direction, back on track, emotionally improving--with room to grow.
Making big mistakes that bite me in the a$$ BUT learning instead of beating myself up, that mistakes make us learn and grow. So no guilt, just lessons learned. Growing. Moving forward.
9.16.2011
Skin Burn!
Well, I've been logging tons of steps lately. Today I walked 23 miles, over 50,000 steps.
Word to the wise: Wear pants that fit. I woke up with my thighs throbbing. They were beet red. I have a skin burn!
I took a bath then but some burn lotion on. Feeling a bit better.
Today I wore a pair of really nice sweat pants (my hubby hates them and doesn't think they're nice lol) and they were a size too large. All that walking, rubbing, caused the skin burn.
Oh joy.
Time to go shopping for some relaxed at-home wear that FITS.
Live and learn!
9.12.2011
Monday Morning Weigh In
Forgot last week's post: Last week down 3 pounds.
This week down 2.5 pounds.
Thank you, thank you, thank you SKOGG System. It works!
8.29.2011
Monday Morning Weigh In
Haven't done one of these in a long time. Drum roll....
3 pounds gone! WOO HOO
This gives me an 11-pound loss for the month of August.
I'm back, baby, I'm back.
There's nothing I can't do.
8.16.2011
8.14.2011
Magic
There's magic in the air. After so long counting calories, micromanaging protein, carbs, fat, oxalate, calcium and sodium, then changing my exercise routine...
I've lost some weight. WOO HOO I'm actually down two pounds from the last reported weigh-in on my side bar. Double woo-hoo.
Trying to figure out the magic bullet, and the food is pretty much the same, but the exercise is not.
A few weeks ago, I asked hubby for help. I could not get it together on the exercise front. I asked for help. He stepped up to the plate. We did a few workouts together, and God bless him, he even did The FIRM's Tough Tape with me. Then we ordered The Skogg System.
Whoa. Learning kettlebells is tough, but his instructional DVD is fantastic. We've finished the second week of the rotation and I'm losing weight. Could it be from The Skogg System??? I think so!
I'm still doing other workouts, but I've drastically lowered the intensity. If I do step, I do it on a 4" platform instead of 6". If my heart rate gets in the 140s, I drop my arms and drop my movement until it's in the high 120s or low 130s. So I'm getting a much lower intensity workout. However, I save all my intesnity for The Skogg System. I give that my all, let my heart rate soar, and give it 110%.
It's working.
I'm THRILLED.
May it keep on working, because I'm actually having fun here!
The other workouts I'm doing are The Firm's Not So Tough Aerobic Mix and Tough Cardio Mix and Christi Taylor's Fit to Dance. I've done some Leslie Sansone's walking DVDs as well. I've traded for a few other intermediate level cardios similar in nature to those I've mentioned. (At least I hope they are, anyone familiar with Anni Mairs?) Also, some other intermediate Christi Taylor DVDs.
And so it goes. The cloud is blowing away. It's about time for some sunshine! =)
I've lost some weight. WOO HOO I'm actually down two pounds from the last reported weigh-in on my side bar. Double woo-hoo.
Trying to figure out the magic bullet, and the food is pretty much the same, but the exercise is not.
A few weeks ago, I asked hubby for help. I could not get it together on the exercise front. I asked for help. He stepped up to the plate. We did a few workouts together, and God bless him, he even did The FIRM's Tough Tape with me. Then we ordered The Skogg System.
Whoa. Learning kettlebells is tough, but his instructional DVD is fantastic. We've finished the second week of the rotation and I'm losing weight. Could it be from The Skogg System??? I think so!
I'm still doing other workouts, but I've drastically lowered the intensity. If I do step, I do it on a 4" platform instead of 6". If my heart rate gets in the 140s, I drop my arms and drop my movement until it's in the high 120s or low 130s. So I'm getting a much lower intensity workout. However, I save all my intesnity for The Skogg System. I give that my all, let my heart rate soar, and give it 110%.
It's working.
I'm THRILLED.
May it keep on working, because I'm actually having fun here!
The other workouts I'm doing are The Firm's Not So Tough Aerobic Mix and Tough Cardio Mix and Christi Taylor's Fit to Dance. I've done some Leslie Sansone's walking DVDs as well. I've traded for a few other intermediate level cardios similar in nature to those I've mentioned. (At least I hope they are, anyone familiar with Anni Mairs?) Also, some other intermediate Christi Taylor DVDs.
And so it goes. The cloud is blowing away. It's about time for some sunshine! =)
8.09.2011
Rejuvination
My son and I took off Sunday morning for him to meet up with a friend and then for us to have some fun. And fun we had. We went to a city 100 miles from us and had a blast. While he was visiting his friend, I hit the thrift stores. Loved it. Only got three books, but I love looking at "stuff."
When I picked him up, we went out to dinner and then hit the hotel's swimming pool. I wish we had a pool in our town. I love swimming and doing stretches in the water. Really, really enjoyed this.
Today we got up early and hit it hard. We went to the mall, to a Target--what a luxury that is!, to a TJ Maxx and to a sporting goods store. Now that I'm into fitness, I actually love sporting goods stores.
When we finished, we decided to hit the city's parks. We walked along a river, saw a beautiful waterfall, and put in many steps. We went to a tourist tower and climbed to the top. It was 8 flights. When we got to the top, I got in MOM mode with a young teenage girl who had climbed over the railing and was sitting on the very edge. Accident waiting to happen. I told her to get back immediately. I was thinking about calling the cops on her and had my cell phone in hand, but thankfully she climbed back to safety. Her friend said, "Why did you listen to her and not me?" I said, "Because I'm a scary, mean mom and she knew I meant business." lol The girl responded because she's an adult. They left, and when they got to the bottom and were walking away, the girl turned back and waved at me. No ill will on her part--testing her boundaries, and she was fortunate enough this tough momma cared enough to speak up.
Anyway, we then decided to visit other parks in the area. We took another pathway and enjoyed that. The weather was cool, I think it only got to 80. It was just the perfect day. Good company, beautiful, new fresh scenery--couldn't ask for a better day.
And then we came home. It was *wonderful* to have two days away from all my troubles, all my concerns and just be free. It was extremely rejuvenating and I came home with a fresh, much improved attitude. Not long after we got home, two of our dogs started growling at each other, hubby came home and was grumbling about something, the sink was full of dirty dishes, the cat box needed attending--it was nice while it lasted! lol
I feel better, though, and I'm so appreciative that we were able to get away for a short little jaunt.
I was too tired to do a workout today--I figure with all that walking in sunshine today, that would have to be good enough. I got in almost 24,000 steps on my fitbit and my activity was steady the entire day.
It was a good day.
I deserved it! =)
Tomorrow, it's back to The Skogg System kettlebells with hubby and a light cardio workout. I have a fresh new attitude, so my spirits are much better.
Bring it.
When I picked him up, we went out to dinner and then hit the hotel's swimming pool. I wish we had a pool in our town. I love swimming and doing stretches in the water. Really, really enjoyed this.
Today we got up early and hit it hard. We went to the mall, to a Target--what a luxury that is!, to a TJ Maxx and to a sporting goods store. Now that I'm into fitness, I actually love sporting goods stores.
When we finished, we decided to hit the city's parks. We walked along a river, saw a beautiful waterfall, and put in many steps. We went to a tourist tower and climbed to the top. It was 8 flights. When we got to the top, I got in MOM mode with a young teenage girl who had climbed over the railing and was sitting on the very edge. Accident waiting to happen. I told her to get back immediately. I was thinking about calling the cops on her and had my cell phone in hand, but thankfully she climbed back to safety. Her friend said, "Why did you listen to her and not me?" I said, "Because I'm a scary, mean mom and she knew I meant business." lol The girl responded because she's an adult. They left, and when they got to the bottom and were walking away, the girl turned back and waved at me. No ill will on her part--testing her boundaries, and she was fortunate enough this tough momma cared enough to speak up.
Anyway, we then decided to visit other parks in the area. We took another pathway and enjoyed that. The weather was cool, I think it only got to 80. It was just the perfect day. Good company, beautiful, new fresh scenery--couldn't ask for a better day.
And then we came home. It was *wonderful* to have two days away from all my troubles, all my concerns and just be free. It was extremely rejuvenating and I came home with a fresh, much improved attitude. Not long after we got home, two of our dogs started growling at each other, hubby came home and was grumbling about something, the sink was full of dirty dishes, the cat box needed attending--it was nice while it lasted! lol
I feel better, though, and I'm so appreciative that we were able to get away for a short little jaunt.
I was too tired to do a workout today--I figure with all that walking in sunshine today, that would have to be good enough. I got in almost 24,000 steps on my fitbit and my activity was steady the entire day.
It was a good day.
I deserved it! =)
Tomorrow, it's back to The Skogg System kettlebells with hubby and a light cardio workout. I have a fresh new attitude, so my spirits are much better.
Bring it.
7.31.2011
jinx
I don't normally believe in jinxes, but every time I post that I'm starting to feel better, wham, I get a big dose of depression slapped in my face. So I won't mention that I am feeling better and that I think I'm taking a turn for the better. Ahem.
No official workout today, but broke 20,000 steps. Kept busy. Tonight we ran to Wally World to buy milk and I picked up a baby 5# kettlebell. I got this to practice. Form is everything with kettlebell training and I want to practice a lot--I'm a perfectionist. So, I spent the $13 for the junk Danskin kettlebell so I could practice. We *love* The Skogg System and he has a fantastic instructional DVD, so I'll be doing it often until my form is perfect. The cleans and snatches are the two I'm having problems with at the moment. I can do them beautifully with a dumbbell, but the kettlebell is trickier. So if I can perfect form with a baby bell, I'll be using my big guns in no time.
Went through my exercise DVDs looking for cardio workouts besides step. I was looking for some lower intensity workouts. I found a Christi Taylor DVD called Fit to Dance that I have never done! I can't believe it. I previewed it tonight and I cannot wait to do it tomorrow. Christi Taylor is one of my all-time favorite instructors and she's coming out of her retirement to make a new step DVD. I'm feeling in the Christi mood--she's so positive, cheerful and, well to be corny, delightful. She's definitely a spirit lifter.
Pip has not had another seizure, knock on wood.
My eating has been spot on this week. Absolutely perfect. The scale went up a pound. GRRR. All these years I knew something was wrong--I just knew it--and I was right, I had that kidney stone that had been there forever. I still have a gut feeling that something is really screwed up with my metabolism. I feel it just like I knew about the kidney stone. There's something amiss. However, I will march on.
All through my journey, it has never bothered me when hubby and son ate things that I chose not to eat in front of me. Until now, that is. With the sodium restriction, it really cuts out a lot of foods I can eat. I'm not a big hot dog eater. I'll have a couple a few times a year and enjoy them, but I never crave them. Well, hubby bought hot dogs this week and the smell is killing me. I also told him to hide his peanuts and to please not eat them in front of me. I can't eat nuts and it's starting to bother me because he eats them every day. And last week, my son made some muffins. When he was finished and out of the kitchen, I took the air deodorizer spray and sprayed so much in the kitchen you would have thought it was a garden. I'm not liking this at all, because people need to eat. It's not fair to them. It's not really fair to me that I have these darned restrictions, but it is what it is. I'll get better as time goes on because I'm pretty stubborn. Right now I'd prefer to walk around with a clothes pin on my nose. lol
That's it from the peanut-less gallery tonight.
No official workout today, but broke 20,000 steps. Kept busy. Tonight we ran to Wally World to buy milk and I picked up a baby 5# kettlebell. I got this to practice. Form is everything with kettlebell training and I want to practice a lot--I'm a perfectionist. So, I spent the $13 for the junk Danskin kettlebell so I could practice. We *love* The Skogg System and he has a fantastic instructional DVD, so I'll be doing it often until my form is perfect. The cleans and snatches are the two I'm having problems with at the moment. I can do them beautifully with a dumbbell, but the kettlebell is trickier. So if I can perfect form with a baby bell, I'll be using my big guns in no time.
Went through my exercise DVDs looking for cardio workouts besides step. I was looking for some lower intensity workouts. I found a Christi Taylor DVD called Fit to Dance that I have never done! I can't believe it. I previewed it tonight and I cannot wait to do it tomorrow. Christi Taylor is one of my all-time favorite instructors and she's coming out of her retirement to make a new step DVD. I'm feeling in the Christi mood--she's so positive, cheerful and, well to be corny, delightful. She's definitely a spirit lifter.
Pip has not had another seizure, knock on wood.
My eating has been spot on this week. Absolutely perfect. The scale went up a pound. GRRR. All these years I knew something was wrong--I just knew it--and I was right, I had that kidney stone that had been there forever. I still have a gut feeling that something is really screwed up with my metabolism. I feel it just like I knew about the kidney stone. There's something amiss. However, I will march on.
All through my journey, it has never bothered me when hubby and son ate things that I chose not to eat in front of me. Until now, that is. With the sodium restriction, it really cuts out a lot of foods I can eat. I'm not a big hot dog eater. I'll have a couple a few times a year and enjoy them, but I never crave them. Well, hubby bought hot dogs this week and the smell is killing me. I also told him to hide his peanuts and to please not eat them in front of me. I can't eat nuts and it's starting to bother me because he eats them every day. And last week, my son made some muffins. When he was finished and out of the kitchen, I took the air deodorizer spray and sprayed so much in the kitchen you would have thought it was a garden. I'm not liking this at all, because people need to eat. It's not fair to them. It's not really fair to me that I have these darned restrictions, but it is what it is. I'll get better as time goes on because I'm pretty stubborn. Right now I'd prefer to walk around with a clothes pin on my nose. lol
That's it from the peanut-less gallery tonight.
7.29.2011
My Poor Puppy
My puppy is 2 1/2 years old. Wednesday he had a grand mal seizure. We were startled and the rest of the day watched him like a hawk. We didn't even work out that night. The next day I called the vet and they said there really isn't anything they can do at the moment, but to document it to see if he has more seizures and watch him closely. Was also told (because I asked) not to take him on hour-long walks. Not long after I talked to the vet tech, my poor Pip had a second grand mal seizure. We did not call back, but if he has one more, we will.
It was the saddest thing when he came to. He looked at us as if to say, "What happened?" He was dazed and confused and wobbly the first time, and just dazed and confused the second time.
It really messed our days up because we were worried about him and hovered a bit. Today hubby even took the afternoon off just to be home.
Tonight I took a walk and desperately missed my walking partner. My son went with me, which I loved, but I felt guilty going without my baby.
My poor Pip. I love him so much and he loves me--all of us even more.
Anyway, yesterday our new kettlebell system arrived. Hubby and I are doing it together. I watched the instructional DVD last night and today again and then we did a workout. I did sub dumbbells for the snatch because I am not even close to having that down. It was a really good workout.
Highly recommend this package because the instruction is superb. The instructor, Michael Skogg, is highly professional and he's the best at giving instruction out of any DVD I've ever done. Kettlebells are very easy to have bad form--he teaches proper form very well.
So if you're interested in kettlebells, check out The Skogg System. Great value for the price, top-notch quality. They're tough workouts--but great! It's a great thing for hubby and I to do together.
It was the saddest thing when he came to. He looked at us as if to say, "What happened?" He was dazed and confused and wobbly the first time, and just dazed and confused the second time.
It really messed our days up because we were worried about him and hovered a bit. Today hubby even took the afternoon off just to be home.
Tonight I took a walk and desperately missed my walking partner. My son went with me, which I loved, but I felt guilty going without my baby.
My poor Pip. I love him so much and he loves me--all of us even more.
Anyway, yesterday our new kettlebell system arrived. Hubby and I are doing it together. I watched the instructional DVD last night and today again and then we did a workout. I did sub dumbbells for the snatch because I am not even close to having that down. It was a really good workout.
Highly recommend this package because the instruction is superb. The instructor, Michael Skogg, is highly professional and he's the best at giving instruction out of any DVD I've ever done. Kettlebells are very easy to have bad form--he teaches proper form very well.
So if you're interested in kettlebells, check out The Skogg System. Great value for the price, top-notch quality. They're tough workouts--but great! It's a great thing for hubby and I to do together.
7.22.2011
Bye Fire
Could not handle the flames, my eyes are too old. Feel like a plain white background for awhile--it's neutral, that's what I need.
Got extremely irritated and stressed this afternoon and so I laid down with my iPod and listened to a hypnosis downlowd from Dr. Amen? (spg?) I had to pay for it, but it was good. It's actually a weight-loss hypnosis thing, but I knew it would help me relax--and it did! Good stuff. Then when I got up, I was starving. lol...so much for the weight-loss hypnosis part working. ;-)
Discovered that both Starkist and Chicken of the Sea make low-salt tuna. Thrilled about that because there's 750 mg of sodium in a can of Chicken of the Sea. Was disheartened to learn my grocery stores don't sell it. I could put a request in, but I could also order online.
Yesterday had a killer day with step count: 26,300! Will not be repeating that today, but will be in the upper teens again.
Ordered a blood pressure monitor, more glucose blood test strip strips (I'm not diabetic but I watch my blood sugar) and a new kitchen scale today. The new scale measures fluid ounces as well, which is why I bought--that plus my old WW scale is stained, ugly, and the plastic is cracked. It's been well used.
I'm still struggling with my feelings on this medication that has been prescribed. I do not think it's healthy for my heart, my lipids and my blood sugar. Plus, my blood pressure is normal and this is a high dosage of blood pressure medication. Am I going to pass out if I take it? So I may (or may not) cut a pill into fourths and take one fourth a day to see what it does.
I am a complete and utter chicken shit and cannot bring myself to call the doctor about this. This is my character flaw, has nothing to do with anyone else, but I just don't want to deal with it. So I may write a letter listing all my concerns--and that list is damned long. This is partly why I bought the blood pressure monitor today and the glucose test strips. I still cannot fathom taking a medication that may raise blood sugar, triglycerides and LDL. I already fought those battles and WON. Why go backwards health wise! Yet this medication is the standard treatment for what I've got. I am so torn. My gut says no and hell no. My inner good-girl says I should follow doctor's orders. It just seems wrong, though.
Got extremely irritated and stressed this afternoon and so I laid down with my iPod and listened to a hypnosis downlowd from Dr. Amen? (spg?) I had to pay for it, but it was good. It's actually a weight-loss hypnosis thing, but I knew it would help me relax--and it did! Good stuff. Then when I got up, I was starving. lol...so much for the weight-loss hypnosis part working. ;-)
Discovered that both Starkist and Chicken of the Sea make low-salt tuna. Thrilled about that because there's 750 mg of sodium in a can of Chicken of the Sea. Was disheartened to learn my grocery stores don't sell it. I could put a request in, but I could also order online.
Yesterday had a killer day with step count: 26,300! Will not be repeating that today, but will be in the upper teens again.
Ordered a blood pressure monitor, more glucose blood test strip strips (I'm not diabetic but I watch my blood sugar) and a new kitchen scale today. The new scale measures fluid ounces as well, which is why I bought--that plus my old WW scale is stained, ugly, and the plastic is cracked. It's been well used.
I'm still struggling with my feelings on this medication that has been prescribed. I do not think it's healthy for my heart, my lipids and my blood sugar. Plus, my blood pressure is normal and this is a high dosage of blood pressure medication. Am I going to pass out if I take it? So I may (or may not) cut a pill into fourths and take one fourth a day to see what it does.
I am a complete and utter chicken shit and cannot bring myself to call the doctor about this. This is my character flaw, has nothing to do with anyone else, but I just don't want to deal with it. So I may write a letter listing all my concerns--and that list is damned long. This is partly why I bought the blood pressure monitor today and the glucose test strips. I still cannot fathom taking a medication that may raise blood sugar, triglycerides and LDL. I already fought those battles and WON. Why go backwards health wise! Yet this medication is the standard treatment for what I've got. I am so torn. My gut says no and hell no. My inner good-girl says I should follow doctor's orders. It just seems wrong, though.
7.21.2011
FIRE!
I've talked many times about the fire inside--sometimes it's roaring, sometimes it's about to go out. Right now my life is very difficult and I need some fire, some energy. It's time to be a Phoenix, baby.
So--the fire background. It's kind of hard to read, and I'll soon go back to my girly-girl background, but for now, it's FIRE.
So--the fire background. It's kind of hard to read, and I'll soon go back to my girly-girl background, but for now, it's FIRE.
7.20.2011
7.19.2011
Interesting Quote...
I'm listening to the fourth book in the Twilight Series. This quote really struck me.
"You always want the most what you can never, ever have.""That's the funny thing about knowing you can't have something. It makes you desperate."
I so get that.
Take someone's choices away, and it's a recipe for disaster.
And as my doctor just had to remind me last week, I have to give up salt and all these foods and drink seemingly gallons of water and pee continuously for the rest of my life.
F*ck that.
7.15.2011
7.14.2011
It Comes From Within
The power to beat this demon, it comes from within. It's a flame. For a long time, mine was a roaring bonfire. Now it's barely a burning ember, about to go out.
WTF (Yes, I'm invoking the "F" word here.)
I cannot find it, I cannot tap into my inner strength. I am crumbling.
Depression is severe. I do get up and walk during the day, but today I was mostly in bed. Funny, I have 15,500 steps as of this second so that ember is still there. I force myself to get up and walk, but my heart is broken, I feel as if I'm being pulled in a million different directions.
I get emails from people that tell me I inspire them. I get emails from people that ask to be an accountability partner. I can't even function properly anymore and I wonder how on earth I can now or ever did possibly inspire anyone. I don't have any energy to give to anyone other than my son right now.
Saw my urologist yesterday. He was condescending. Called me an "overachiever" because I peed so much. I follow the flipping rules, drink 8-10 ounces of water each day as per his orders, and then get called an overachiever because of it. That really pissed me off.
The doc prescribed a diuretic. When I picked it up at the pharmacy, it said:
May cause blood sugar increase.Do not overheat while using this medication.
Do not take if you have glaucoma or (some eye problem, I forget and am too lazy to look.)May raise LDL and triglycerides.
HELLO. Yo, Dr. Pee (that's how I have his office in my cell phone lol), I have been fighting blood sugar, LDL and triglycerides for years. I was this close to being diagnosed diabetic twice. It was one or two points from the diagnosis cutoff, I forget. I have elevated eye pressure and was given the option of taking the eye drops. I chose not to with the eye doctor's okay, but to keep getting checked. Meaning, I'm a prime candidate for glaucoma.
WTF (Yes, I'm invoking the "F" word here.)
I am a whole, not a part. There is more to me than my kidneys.
After reading the warnings stapled to my prescription bag, researching on the internet, I have decided to not take the diuretic. I am still debating whether or not to call him and tell him. He won't give a shit anyway, but I'm sure I'd get a "stupid woman" lecture. I have fought blood, sweat and tears to get my lipids and blood sugar in line. There's no way on God's green earth I'm going to take a medication that can raise them.
Then there's that part about overheating. Sheesh, when I workout I'm one hot momma. I workout hard and am a sweat-soaked mess. NOT gonna give that up, no way in hell. (I do reserve the right to not do it when I'm depressed and feeling sorry for myself, though. lol)
Plus, my blood pressure is great. Why would I take a chance at it lowering???
I go back in a couple months for a dye-injected x-ray and blood work. Depending on the results of that, I will go to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester to be seen by an endocrinologist due to a metabolic disorder. When he said that, I shocked him. I said: "PLEASE. I would love to see an endocrinologist. I have metabolic syndrome, I know my body is completely messed up." I wanted to go NOW. I have to wait.
Then to top it off, I complained about the diet. I was told most people don't follow it and, little old overachiever me, did. My oxalate and calcium numbers were still too high. The doctor told me I could have my All Bran cereal back (and it is on the NEVER list) and I could have cashews. I didn't get the chance to ask about beans, which are or rather were a huge staple in our recipes. WTF again. Why prescribe a diet and then say I can have this food? I don't get it. Cashews are a red-light nut for me because if I open a can, I cannot stop eating them. Ask me how I know that. When I picked up my prescription, I bought a can and within 24 hours I ate the whole damned thing. So that's not going to work. Yes, I'm a stress binge eater. Yes, I f*cked up.
So I am just sitting here in utter confusion, not knowing what to do, sad, feeling lost, all alone in the world, like no one gives a shit. I'm upset because one topic I asked about the doctor told me a completely different story than he did the last time I saw him. I wanted it clarified.
I marched out of that office, down to the clinic office, and ordered all of my clinic and hospital records since 1999. I pick them up next week. I am anxious to read them, to know the date my pain first started--just to ease my mind about that. The first time I can remember was when my son was in the 3rd grade, and he's in 10th now. That's when the doctor told me I had IBS. When I looked the symptoms of IBS up, I laughed. I have never had IBS.
Frustration, stress, depression, unanswered questions, FEAR of food, binging on friggin' cashews, FEAR of food--I already mentioned that, but honestly, I am scared to death to eat now. Talk about going from one eating disorder to another fast.
It's just no good. And yes, I've gained weight. It's all gone straight to my belly, too. What a loser.
I look inside and it's hollow. Just a teeny, tiny ember. It's still there, but I need to blow on the fans to get it roaring again. I need help, because I have no breath nor strength to fan it.
I just don't have any oomph to get rolling. I don't have any support people (yeah, husband, I'm talking about you here) to pep talk me and help me through it. Hubby is great in many ways, but if it involves emotions, forget it. God bless him.
What a waste.
Rock bottom.
7.12.2011
When You Need Help, Ask
I need help. I asked. Funny thing, those who love you will help you--you just have to swallow your stupid pride and ask.
I've been working on the FIRM 90 Day Rotation, fell off the wagon because my depression has got the better of me--depression and anxiety, actually. Yesterday I asked the hubby for help. We were going to do a kettlebell program together. Then I balked at the price of new workouts--as great as they are.
I went through my collection of DVDs, made a list of things I knew he'd like. He liked the Paul Katami DVDs and Ilaria, and the other kettlebell DVD I own. Thing is, we each got a kettlebell--his for Father's Day, mine for my birthday, but they're on back order. They won't be here until August--if then. They date keeps getting pushed back.
So, I showed him clips of Cathe's STS program. It's settled. We're going to start STS next week. Together. I hope we don't end up divorced. It will be nice to have a workout buddy--I think. lol We'll be working out in our basement, and I usually work out upstairs. I'll have to move all my dumbbells downstairs, plus my bands, barbell and stability ball. That's okay. DH has a weight bench, I don't know what I'll use. Typically I use my step bench as Cathe does, but I plan to do my cardio upstairs with the big 52" TV. I'll probably have to lug it downstairs for each workout--but that's only three times a week. Hubby has his exercise area set up and organized, so it will just be me moving in.
We'll be using the computer to play the DVDs. Big difference from that big screen TV, but it will work. This past weekend hubby put up a second pull-up bar in the rafters--just like Tony Horton has in his home. So we have two pull-up bars. Good to go.
So we're all set. Support team in place and activated. lol All you have to do is ask. We'll be drawing off each other. Hubby is not a DVD type guy, he does his own thing. I think it's very big and kind of him to do this for me--with me.
I've been working on the FIRM 90 Day Rotation, fell off the wagon because my depression has got the better of me--depression and anxiety, actually. Yesterday I asked the hubby for help. We were going to do a kettlebell program together. Then I balked at the price of new workouts--as great as they are.
I went through my collection of DVDs, made a list of things I knew he'd like. He liked the Paul Katami DVDs and Ilaria, and the other kettlebell DVD I own. Thing is, we each got a kettlebell--his for Father's Day, mine for my birthday, but they're on back order. They won't be here until August--if then. They date keeps getting pushed back.
So, I showed him clips of Cathe's STS program. It's settled. We're going to start STS next week. Together. I hope we don't end up divorced. It will be nice to have a workout buddy--I think. lol We'll be working out in our basement, and I usually work out upstairs. I'll have to move all my dumbbells downstairs, plus my bands, barbell and stability ball. That's okay. DH has a weight bench, I don't know what I'll use. Typically I use my step bench as Cathe does, but I plan to do my cardio upstairs with the big 52" TV. I'll probably have to lug it downstairs for each workout--but that's only three times a week. Hubby has his exercise area set up and organized, so it will just be me moving in.
We'll be using the computer to play the DVDs. Big difference from that big screen TV, but it will work. This past weekend hubby put up a second pull-up bar in the rafters--just like Tony Horton has in his home. So we have two pull-up bars. Good to go.
So we're all set. Support team in place and activated. lol All you have to do is ask. We'll be drawing off each other. Hubby is not a DVD type guy, he does his own thing. I think it's very big and kind of him to do this for me--with me.
7.07.2011
Doin' Better
Calmer, not so upset, not so sad and blue. I started walking in the evenings for an hour. I've always loved walking alone (well, with a dog) because it's great for thinking things through. Today I did a strength workout and my evening walk was very tiring. I didn't have much oomph.
That's all.
That's all.
7.03.2011
Broken
I am feeling so broken. I spent the majority of the day in bed--just depression. I'm just so upset, angry then sad, angry then sad.
Happy 4th. Tomorrow hubby and son will enjoy the activities. I will stay home. Oh, one of the joys of my issues--can't be away from a toilet that long anymore. I don't like the 4th either because that's when mom had a heart attack in front of me and went into a coma. That was a long time ago, but when I look in the sky at the fireworks, I think of her and that night. But the lack of toilet is the real issue.
I think I shall become a hermit, order my groceries to delivered, and never go anywhere. Or not. Now I just time things so I can get to a bathroom. I know every toilet in town.
I am absolutely dreading going to the doctor in a couple weeks. Terrified he is going to read me the riot act and be mean. Think about it, he already had his nurse call me to tell me to cut out the sodium so it must have been bad. WTF
I just feel like giving up, wishing there was some "pill" form of food that met all my needs. I'm hungry, I don't know what to eat, and I end up NOT eating for a long time and then breaking down because I'm hungry and eating too much. This is not a good cycle, and this is not a good disease for someone that already had food issues.
Food is scary to me now. Food never scared me before.
It is not a matter of using a calorie budget. It's chemistry. I hate chemistry.
This just f*cking sucks. As my mood continues to worsen, so does my language. I do swear in real life, but try to keep the blog G- or PG-rated.
I should go to the doctor for depression, but as I've stated before, I don't trust the GPs at either clinic in town. If they can't find a simple kidney stone, I do NOT want them messing with my brain. And the fact of the matter is, a pill is not going to take the cause of the depression away. I just need to come to terms with it. It is what it is, but I'm NOT wanting to be lectured by the doctor especially since I have worked SO hard at not sodium, oxalate reduction and drinking all the water. I've followed the rules. He won't believe me--doctors never do.
Argh. Late-night, insomnia-induced blogging--not the best time to blog, but truth really pours out.
Happy 4th. Tomorrow hubby and son will enjoy the activities. I will stay home. Oh, one of the joys of my issues--can't be away from a toilet that long anymore. I don't like the 4th either because that's when mom had a heart attack in front of me and went into a coma. That was a long time ago, but when I look in the sky at the fireworks, I think of her and that night. But the lack of toilet is the real issue.
I think I shall become a hermit, order my groceries to delivered, and never go anywhere. Or not. Now I just time things so I can get to a bathroom. I know every toilet in town.
I am absolutely dreading going to the doctor in a couple weeks. Terrified he is going to read me the riot act and be mean. Think about it, he already had his nurse call me to tell me to cut out the sodium so it must have been bad. WTF
I just feel like giving up, wishing there was some "pill" form of food that met all my needs. I'm hungry, I don't know what to eat, and I end up NOT eating for a long time and then breaking down because I'm hungry and eating too much. This is not a good cycle, and this is not a good disease for someone that already had food issues.
Food is scary to me now. Food never scared me before.
It is not a matter of using a calorie budget. It's chemistry. I hate chemistry.
This just f*cking sucks. As my mood continues to worsen, so does my language. I do swear in real life, but try to keep the blog G- or PG-rated.
I should go to the doctor for depression, but as I've stated before, I don't trust the GPs at either clinic in town. If they can't find a simple kidney stone, I do NOT want them messing with my brain. And the fact of the matter is, a pill is not going to take the cause of the depression away. I just need to come to terms with it. It is what it is, but I'm NOT wanting to be lectured by the doctor especially since I have worked SO hard at not sodium, oxalate reduction and drinking all the water. I've followed the rules. He won't believe me--doctors never do.
Argh. Late-night, insomnia-induced blogging--not the best time to blog, but truth really pours out.
6.30.2011
Good While it Lasted...
I had three awesome days. Felt good, cheerful, hopeful, etc. And then the phone rang.
It was my urologist's office. I have an appointment in a couple weeks; however, the doctor thought it was important enough to have his nurse give me a call to tell me to "Limit my sodium NOW, it's really important."
Um, yeah, have been. I just felt deflated. If it's bad that they call two weeks before the appointment, oy. I'm actually dreading this appointment.
It's just funny. I never feared kidney stones. I feared diabetes and heart disease. Now I have this--the horrid diet which still pisses me off although I've kind of accepted it, I have no choice. I do watch my sodium. Gees, I've had to "give up" lots of foods I liked because of sodium content. I love soup, but am not touching it. Lots of things not worth listing.
I just wonder if things will ever get squared away. I feel as my health quest has been a big fiasco: I've been getting unhealthier as time marches on.
I feel like I'm 90. Can't go an hour without peeing, can't eat sodium, and other things.
I was in a bad mood all day. I did get a good step count in, but I did not do a workout. I had the f*ck it mentality, the why bother, I give up. Those thoughts are fleeting because right after I have them, the "but then what would I do?" springs to mind. I'm no quitter, I just keep having too many bumps in the road.
Once again, I need an emergency plan for when this hits me. I don't quite know what to do. I was thinking I should do my all-time favorite workout when I'm in my mood: Cardio Step Mix by The FIRM. Exercise really lifts the mood and I always feel better. Not today, though, I was to stubborn and pissed off. Maybe I could go hit my husband's punching bag. lol That would be a good workout and get rid of some of my frustration. Or not--I don't like "manly" exercises.
Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.
Marching on: Tomorrow is a fresh new day, I plan on doing Tough Cardio Mix by The FIRM, and paying bills. If I can get those two things accomplished, I'll be pleased.
I wish I had a magic wand or some faerie dust or something magical. I'd sprinkle it and make all health problems for everyone disappear.
It was my urologist's office. I have an appointment in a couple weeks; however, the doctor thought it was important enough to have his nurse give me a call to tell me to "Limit my sodium NOW, it's really important."
Um, yeah, have been. I just felt deflated. If it's bad that they call two weeks before the appointment, oy. I'm actually dreading this appointment.
It's just funny. I never feared kidney stones. I feared diabetes and heart disease. Now I have this--the horrid diet which still pisses me off although I've kind of accepted it, I have no choice. I do watch my sodium. Gees, I've had to "give up" lots of foods I liked because of sodium content. I love soup, but am not touching it. Lots of things not worth listing.
I just wonder if things will ever get squared away. I feel as my health quest has been a big fiasco: I've been getting unhealthier as time marches on.
I feel like I'm 90. Can't go an hour without peeing, can't eat sodium, and other things.
I was in a bad mood all day. I did get a good step count in, but I did not do a workout. I had the f*ck it mentality, the why bother, I give up. Those thoughts are fleeting because right after I have them, the "but then what would I do?" springs to mind. I'm no quitter, I just keep having too many bumps in the road.
Once again, I need an emergency plan for when this hits me. I don't quite know what to do. I was thinking I should do my all-time favorite workout when I'm in my mood: Cardio Step Mix by The FIRM. Exercise really lifts the mood and I always feel better. Not today, though, I was to stubborn and pissed off. Maybe I could go hit my husband's punching bag. lol That would be a good workout and get rid of some of my frustration. Or not--I don't like "manly" exercises.
Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.
Marching on: Tomorrow is a fresh new day, I plan on doing Tough Cardio Mix by The FIRM, and paying bills. If I can get those two things accomplished, I'll be pleased.
I wish I had a magic wand or some faerie dust or something magical. I'd sprinkle it and make all health problems for everyone disappear.
6.26.2011
Facing Demons
Today I faced some demons. I've had some for awhile, one for about three years, another for a year and a half. It's all centered around people, one in particular that is toxic, and other people that have been influenced by the toxic person.
I called my mom's best friend today. Mom died a long time ago but I've kept in contact with our friend, whom I've known for 40 years. I asked her, "Will this ever go away?" She knows the whole history, all the story, all the background players. She told me that it would not ever go away.
We had a lovely chat and I'm so glad I called her. When we hung up, I knew I was just going to have to face this demon because it eats away at me. I came to my computer, and lo and behold, there was an email from someone somewhat involved. I haven't spoken to this person in many years, so it was quite a shock--especially since I had just been asking for advice about this moments earlier. It set things in motion. This person shared some things with me about her relative that wanted to contact me. I finally bit the bullet and made the phone call.
I had so many fears. I was actually shaking when I made the phone call.
Fear is a stupid thing. It was unfounded--completely unfounded. We ended up talking an hour and a half, had a lovely conversation, and I'm so glad I called. With that one phone call, many things were taken care of--things that had been a burden on my mind and heart and soul. I learned that I was not the only person who knew the toxicity of another player, the person whom I fear so badly. (That fear is not unfounded at all.)
So in the course of an afternoon, I resolved two major issues and two minor issues. Issues that had been such a heavy burden to me.
Two steps forward. I needed to do this to heal. I don't share any of this story here on the blog, but it all centered on a life-changing event for me. I feel such relief, such peace.
There is one final demon left, and it was the biggie that sends me into anxiety mode whenever I even think about it. At this point? That anxiety has been released to a great extent. The power of the toxic person has been greatly reduced. I have a better understanding. I have taken my own power back over the situation.
In this whole confusing drama that I'm sharing but not really sharing, I do have one responsibility to own up to that I have not met. I admit when I'm wrong, and I have done one wrong thing. I can right this by the end of the summer. I now no longer have the fear to do that. Fear was holding me back.
If you've ever been traumatized by physical and emotional abuse, you know how it wreaks havoc on your life. It effects every cell in your body--if you let it, and I did. I'm finally in the stage to release that. I know now that I can.
The ball is in my court, I now feel able to complete this final task to reach my complete peace with this situation.
I'm feeling very empowered.
This was a birthday gift to myself. It was a birthday gift to my father as well. Today was Dad's birthday. Tomorrow is mine. It just amazes me how everything just fell into place. My phone call to my old friend, the contact immediately after that from someone else involved, and resolution. Dad would be happy. I am, too.
I called my mom's best friend today. Mom died a long time ago but I've kept in contact with our friend, whom I've known for 40 years. I asked her, "Will this ever go away?" She knows the whole history, all the story, all the background players. She told me that it would not ever go away.
We had a lovely chat and I'm so glad I called her. When we hung up, I knew I was just going to have to face this demon because it eats away at me. I came to my computer, and lo and behold, there was an email from someone somewhat involved. I haven't spoken to this person in many years, so it was quite a shock--especially since I had just been asking for advice about this moments earlier. It set things in motion. This person shared some things with me about her relative that wanted to contact me. I finally bit the bullet and made the phone call.
I had so many fears. I was actually shaking when I made the phone call.
Fear is a stupid thing. It was unfounded--completely unfounded. We ended up talking an hour and a half, had a lovely conversation, and I'm so glad I called. With that one phone call, many things were taken care of--things that had been a burden on my mind and heart and soul. I learned that I was not the only person who knew the toxicity of another player, the person whom I fear so badly. (That fear is not unfounded at all.)
So in the course of an afternoon, I resolved two major issues and two minor issues. Issues that had been such a heavy burden to me.
Two steps forward. I needed to do this to heal. I don't share any of this story here on the blog, but it all centered on a life-changing event for me. I feel such relief, such peace.
There is one final demon left, and it was the biggie that sends me into anxiety mode whenever I even think about it. At this point? That anxiety has been released to a great extent. The power of the toxic person has been greatly reduced. I have a better understanding. I have taken my own power back over the situation.
In this whole confusing drama that I'm sharing but not really sharing, I do have one responsibility to own up to that I have not met. I admit when I'm wrong, and I have done one wrong thing. I can right this by the end of the summer. I now no longer have the fear to do that. Fear was holding me back.
If you've ever been traumatized by physical and emotional abuse, you know how it wreaks havoc on your life. It effects every cell in your body--if you let it, and I did. I'm finally in the stage to release that. I know now that I can.
The ball is in my court, I now feel able to complete this final task to reach my complete peace with this situation.
I'm feeling very empowered.
This was a birthday gift to myself. It was a birthday gift to my father as well. Today was Dad's birthday. Tomorrow is mine. It just amazes me how everything just fell into place. My phone call to my old friend, the contact immediately after that from someone else involved, and resolution. Dad would be happy. I am, too.
Blog Therapy
Sometimes I think there is amazing power in writing something down--and sometimes that happens when you write for yourself and for people to read, if they stumble across it. It's therapy to get it off your chest.
I was upset last night. This morning, it was my first thought. The bottom line is this: No one is perfect. People have shortcomings. I have many. People have wonderful qualities. I have many. My friends have shortcomings and wonderful qualities. It's kind of nice to know what those shortcomings are, though, so that a person can gauge their relationship. What I would do for a friend is different than what others would do for a friend. It's not right or wrong. Feelings get hurt: that's the nature of life. It is what it is.
So now I know. I know it, I have mulled it over, I've stored it in my memory bank, and now I move on.
Everyone has stinking thinking at times. It is inevitable. What we do when we have a negative thought, how we work through it, is what matters. Last night I just needed to ramble. I did, it was therapeutic to me, and now it's done.
Thank you for your comments. It does mean a lot to me when people take the time to comment and give support.
So with more clear vision this morning, I'm going to write a list of my stresses for myself. I'm going to brainstorm and write down a list of things I can do to help myself with those. Then I'm going to put it to action. This is a difficult task, because one really needs to step out of her shoes to do it, to come up with solutions. If I get stuck, I'll ask for help. I always remember that rule, five years from now will this bother you. I do know that some things the answer will be yes. Those will be my priority areas.
Most important is to get my brain in the right direction for weight loss.
Another thing I'm going to do, and this may take me awhile, is write an Emergency Preparedness List for when I'm in the dumps. I need a list that I can read of all the good things, all my loves in life, family, friends, joys, good qualities. It's far to easy to get sucked into that vacuum of negativity. I think we need to take root, know our strengths and be reminded of them when we are hurting. So call it a self-esteem board, a positive list, a happy place marker, a dream board, whatever, I think it's important. When we focus on the really good things in life, the crap seems so small in comparison.
On my Emergency Preparedness List, I'm going to include things to do, places to go, things to see. Sometimes I just feel so stuck that I don't even want to go anywhere. It will be my escape plan, my emergency exit for when I need to escape negativity. The number one place I can go when stressed, though, is my living room. Sometimes all I need to do is pop in an exercise DVD and I am transported into a different dimension. I forget everything and just enjoy working hard.
And that's that. A good night's sleep, a better perspective, a little rambling free writing, support from bloggers=much better now.
I was upset last night. This morning, it was my first thought. The bottom line is this: No one is perfect. People have shortcomings. I have many. People have wonderful qualities. I have many. My friends have shortcomings and wonderful qualities. It's kind of nice to know what those shortcomings are, though, so that a person can gauge their relationship. What I would do for a friend is different than what others would do for a friend. It's not right or wrong. Feelings get hurt: that's the nature of life. It is what it is.
So now I know. I know it, I have mulled it over, I've stored it in my memory bank, and now I move on.
Everyone has stinking thinking at times. It is inevitable. What we do when we have a negative thought, how we work through it, is what matters. Last night I just needed to ramble. I did, it was therapeutic to me, and now it's done.
Thank you for your comments. It does mean a lot to me when people take the time to comment and give support.
So with more clear vision this morning, I'm going to write a list of my stresses for myself. I'm going to brainstorm and write down a list of things I can do to help myself with those. Then I'm going to put it to action. This is a difficult task, because one really needs to step out of her shoes to do it, to come up with solutions. If I get stuck, I'll ask for help. I always remember that rule, five years from now will this bother you. I do know that some things the answer will be yes. Those will be my priority areas.
Most important is to get my brain in the right direction for weight loss.
Another thing I'm going to do, and this may take me awhile, is write an Emergency Preparedness List for when I'm in the dumps. I need a list that I can read of all the good things, all my loves in life, family, friends, joys, good qualities. It's far to easy to get sucked into that vacuum of negativity. I think we need to take root, know our strengths and be reminded of them when we are hurting. So call it a self-esteem board, a positive list, a happy place marker, a dream board, whatever, I think it's important. When we focus on the really good things in life, the crap seems so small in comparison.
On my Emergency Preparedness List, I'm going to include things to do, places to go, things to see. Sometimes I just feel so stuck that I don't even want to go anywhere. It will be my escape plan, my emergency exit for when I need to escape negativity. The number one place I can go when stressed, though, is my living room. Sometimes all I need to do is pop in an exercise DVD and I am transported into a different dimension. I forget everything and just enjoy working hard.
And that's that. A good night's sleep, a better perspective, a little rambling free writing, support from bloggers=much better now.
Meltdown
I'm having a meltdown tonight.
I'm very stressed out. Over extended family issues, over life in general, over a hurt from my best friend. Sometimes I feel as if the life is just being squeezed out of me.
Sometimes I feel like an inherent failure, like everything I touch turns to--well, the opposite of gold. Stinking thinking.
My best friend told me on the phone tonight that she would not stand up for me in a certain situation. It's a situation where if the table was turned, I would absolutely stand up for her. After we hung up, I was just in tears. I would never, ever do that to her. I'm also frustrated that for years, I've been the one to call her weekly (we don't live in the same town) and when I get down and out, when I was so depressed, six weeks passed before she bothered to call here. Now I could have picked up the phone, so I will own that, but what kind of friend does not reach out when she knows you're hurting.
I have many stresses right now I'm dealing with. I just feel blah, like I'm going to crack.
Sh*t happens. Life isn't always pretty. It's inevitable. How we handle it defines our character. I think. Marching on, carrying forward, trying so hard to figure things out.
I told my son tonight I don't want to be the best at anything, I only want to be MY best. Why do I feel like I fail at that sometimes? Because it's inevitable, those kinds of feelings happen. I know I'm no failure, no loser. Just not enjoying the times when I'm in that negative mode.
My depression is so much better, I'm still not 100%, but I think many of the things I'm eluding to here are the underlying cause of my woes. I think they're surfacing because I need to deal with them once and for all.
Weight loss is mostly mental. It really is. Frame of mind is where it's at. My frame of mind hasn't been in the right place for weight loss for a long time. Just when I get going again, start up that exercising again, watching food really close, my body decides that it still loves being fat and doesn't want to budge an ounce. I find that frustrating, too.
So many stresses. We took a family walk this morning and then I ran on the rebounder this afternoon. Still didn't alleviate my stress today. I need to find a better way to relax, to enjoy, to find some peace.
I let stinking thinking get to me way to often. Hurt feelings are hard for me to deal with. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Frankly, broken bones heal but sometimes the wounds caused from words run so deep they never heal. I think that phrase is phooy.
Anyway, I just needed to free write tonight, just get my random, crazy thoughts out there to relieve some stress. And it helped a bit. For now. I can't fix the world, but I can fix me.
Bottom line is this: Tonight, I'm hurting. Tomorrow will be better.
I'm very stressed out. Over extended family issues, over life in general, over a hurt from my best friend. Sometimes I feel as if the life is just being squeezed out of me.
Sometimes I feel like an inherent failure, like everything I touch turns to--well, the opposite of gold. Stinking thinking.
My best friend told me on the phone tonight that she would not stand up for me in a certain situation. It's a situation where if the table was turned, I would absolutely stand up for her. After we hung up, I was just in tears. I would never, ever do that to her. I'm also frustrated that for years, I've been the one to call her weekly (we don't live in the same town) and when I get down and out, when I was so depressed, six weeks passed before she bothered to call here. Now I could have picked up the phone, so I will own that, but what kind of friend does not reach out when she knows you're hurting.
I have many stresses right now I'm dealing with. I just feel blah, like I'm going to crack.
Sh*t happens. Life isn't always pretty. It's inevitable. How we handle it defines our character. I think. Marching on, carrying forward, trying so hard to figure things out.
I told my son tonight I don't want to be the best at anything, I only want to be MY best. Why do I feel like I fail at that sometimes? Because it's inevitable, those kinds of feelings happen. I know I'm no failure, no loser. Just not enjoying the times when I'm in that negative mode.
My depression is so much better, I'm still not 100%, but I think many of the things I'm eluding to here are the underlying cause of my woes. I think they're surfacing because I need to deal with them once and for all.
Weight loss is mostly mental. It really is. Frame of mind is where it's at. My frame of mind hasn't been in the right place for weight loss for a long time. Just when I get going again, start up that exercising again, watching food really close, my body decides that it still loves being fat and doesn't want to budge an ounce. I find that frustrating, too.
So many stresses. We took a family walk this morning and then I ran on the rebounder this afternoon. Still didn't alleviate my stress today. I need to find a better way to relax, to enjoy, to find some peace.
I let stinking thinking get to me way to often. Hurt feelings are hard for me to deal with. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Frankly, broken bones heal but sometimes the wounds caused from words run so deep they never heal. I think that phrase is phooy.
Anyway, I just needed to free write tonight, just get my random, crazy thoughts out there to relieve some stress. And it helped a bit. For now. I can't fix the world, but I can fix me.
Bottom line is this: Tonight, I'm hurting. Tomorrow will be better.
6.23.2011
I'm DONE.
I did the 24-hour urine test. I just got back from delivering it to the hospital lab.
I hated, hated, hated doing this. I was in a foul mood all day yesterday.
1) What brainiac designed the toilet insert to collect the urine??? It has a tiny indentation to pour--only it doesn't work. The "liquid" does not stay in the indentation, it pours all over the sides. Mess, disgusting mess. I ended up using a disposable cup to collect so I didn't spill. And yes, I did spill and it ran down the outside of the collection container. OY.
2) What brainiac developed the container to store the "liquid"? It was so cheap, the lid didn't fit well. It was too tall to fit in my fridge, so I had to put it in at an angle, then stand it upright. Okay, do you see a problem here? Lid didn't fit/tip to get it in the fridge?
Yes, I spilled a tiny bit of urine in my fridge. Yes, I had a major meltdown over that. I was livid. Yes, I thoroughly sanitized my fridge, bitching the whole time.
That was absolutely revolting to me--plus you could smell urine in the fridge. I'm halfway tempted to throw out all our food; however, everything is sealed so it should be good, plus I intentionally timed this so there wasn't much in the fridge. Nothing got wet, except the paper towels that were on top of the plastic lining that I was storing the jug on. Gross, gross, gross.
3) I refuse to do this again. Ever. I know it's just pee, but it was one of the most disgusting, grossest things I've ever done. Never again. And I know darned well I will be doing it again. But I reserve the right to bitch whenever I feel like it--which is now.
I'm actually in a better mood today and trying to make fun of myself with this post. I was not happy yesterday and emailed my husband to let him know to stay far away from me. He was actually very supportive and didn't get on my last nerve when he got home, thankfully. He thought it was gross, too, and he could smell it.
Oh, and another thing--I had to run to the lab yesterday afternoon to get a second container. I drink 8-10 ounces of water an hour, per doctor's orders. They gave me a jug that holds about a half gallon of liquid. Um, that container was not big enough for the amount of water I drink. Next time I have to do this, and I refuse to ever do it again, I'm demanding two jugs from the get go. But I'm never doing it again.
Yup. I'm a baby. It's no big deal in the scheme of things, but it really repulses me, the thought of urine in my fridge where we keep our food. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Thanks for allowing me to bitch. It's out of my system and now I can move on with things. It wasn't that bad, really. (Yes it was, it was awful.) It was just a pain to have to stay home all day by the toilet/fridge. Eww. Toilet and fridge should never be used in the same sentence. Ever.
Trying to be goofy and find my sense of humor.
Speaking of sense of humor, I found the funniest blog! It's got adult language, but last night a friend posted a link to it and I laughed so hard I cried. I want a big metal chicken. Here's the blog, and specifically the post that had me roaring.
I hated, hated, hated doing this. I was in a foul mood all day yesterday.
1) What brainiac designed the toilet insert to collect the urine??? It has a tiny indentation to pour--only it doesn't work. The "liquid" does not stay in the indentation, it pours all over the sides. Mess, disgusting mess. I ended up using a disposable cup to collect so I didn't spill. And yes, I did spill and it ran down the outside of the collection container. OY.
2) What brainiac developed the container to store the "liquid"? It was so cheap, the lid didn't fit well. It was too tall to fit in my fridge, so I had to put it in at an angle, then stand it upright. Okay, do you see a problem here? Lid didn't fit/tip to get it in the fridge?
Yes, I spilled a tiny bit of urine in my fridge. Yes, I had a major meltdown over that. I was livid. Yes, I thoroughly sanitized my fridge, bitching the whole time.
That was absolutely revolting to me--plus you could smell urine in the fridge. I'm halfway tempted to throw out all our food; however, everything is sealed so it should be good, plus I intentionally timed this so there wasn't much in the fridge. Nothing got wet, except the paper towels that were on top of the plastic lining that I was storing the jug on. Gross, gross, gross.
3) I refuse to do this again. Ever. I know it's just pee, but it was one of the most disgusting, grossest things I've ever done. Never again. And I know darned well I will be doing it again. But I reserve the right to bitch whenever I feel like it--which is now.
I'm actually in a better mood today and trying to make fun of myself with this post. I was not happy yesterday and emailed my husband to let him know to stay far away from me. He was actually very supportive and didn't get on my last nerve when he got home, thankfully. He thought it was gross, too, and he could smell it.
Oh, and another thing--I had to run to the lab yesterday afternoon to get a second container. I drink 8-10 ounces of water an hour, per doctor's orders. They gave me a jug that holds about a half gallon of liquid. Um, that container was not big enough for the amount of water I drink. Next time I have to do this, and I refuse to ever do it again, I'm demanding two jugs from the get go. But I'm never doing it again.
Yup. I'm a baby. It's no big deal in the scheme of things, but it really repulses me, the thought of urine in my fridge where we keep our food. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Thanks for allowing me to bitch. It's out of my system and now I can move on with things. It wasn't that bad, really. (Yes it was, it was awful.) It was just a pain to have to stay home all day by the toilet/fridge. Eww. Toilet and fridge should never be used in the same sentence. Ever.
Trying to be goofy and find my sense of humor.
Speaking of sense of humor, I found the funniest blog! It's got adult language, but last night a friend posted a link to it and I laughed so hard I cried. I want a big metal chicken. Here's the blog, and specifically the post that had me roaring.
6.20.2011
Getting "It" Together Part 2
If you've read my blog for awhile, you know I whine and complain about the kidney stone thing. Well, I was supposed to do that 24-hour urine test this past March. I have not done it. The doctor's office has called and left messages on my phone. I have not returned the phone calls.
I know--no lectures needed. I have been so pro-active with my health, but this just threw me for a loop. It put me into a depression the likes I have never seen before.
The food restrictions are the worst and I'm at the point where I'm getting on with life. I follow the rules pretty well, I do have occasional cheats and if I do have a cheat, I drink tons of water. It's been difficult saying goodbye to almonds--all nuts, All Bran, spinach, beans, soy, etc., etc., etc. I'm there, though.
So I'm feeling better emotionally and thinking I need to get this test done. I decided I'd do it this week sometime. My son is gone at camp and I won't worry about urine contaminating his food. I won't worry about him knocking over the urine container in the fridge. I'm still grossed out beyond words about having to store 24 hours' worth of urine in my fridge, but the cooler idea won't work because we figured the dogs would get into it. Anyway, right when I decided to get this done, I got a letter in the mail.
They used my full name. It reminded me of mom, when I was in deep trouble as a kid: the full name, including my middle name. All caps and bolded! lol Dr. X would like to see you on this date. You must complete the urine test two weeks prior. yada, yada, yada
I laughed. He's going to hunt me down and get me back in there come hell or high water.
I feel like a shmuck. I just don't mess around with my health. Trying to figure out why I did not do this test, I've come up with two conclusions. One, I needed to not think about the whole kidney stone business. I needed to put it out of my mind. It was excruciating for years, doctors blew me off, I had two unnecessary surgeries when a simple x-ray would have found the problem. Water under the bridge, but I think I was so upset about all that, that I didn't want to face it.
Two: Don't mess with my food. Actually, when discussing this with my husband, I used the F-bomb. I'm still struggling trying to find filling and nutritious foods to replace what I can no longer eat. The last words out of my doctor's mouth when I had the stent removed were this: Follow this diet, do the urine test, and then we'll make further modifications to your diet.
Damn it, I don't want *any* modifications. I was doing well. My blood work was great. I was full on fewer calories. Now I'm always hungry. I don't want to further modify anything. So it freaked me out. I buried my head in the sand.
Well, getting my shit together as I'm doing, I'm facing it head on. I'm not happy about it, I'm certain I'll have to make further adjustments because I can almost always feel my kidney which can't be right. It is what it is.
Time to put on the big-girl panties, face it, adjust, move on and get rid of the rest of this weight.
It's hard, but I will make it. One step at a time.
I know--no lectures needed. I have been so pro-active with my health, but this just threw me for a loop. It put me into a depression the likes I have never seen before.
The food restrictions are the worst and I'm at the point where I'm getting on with life. I follow the rules pretty well, I do have occasional cheats and if I do have a cheat, I drink tons of water. It's been difficult saying goodbye to almonds--all nuts, All Bran, spinach, beans, soy, etc., etc., etc. I'm there, though.
So I'm feeling better emotionally and thinking I need to get this test done. I decided I'd do it this week sometime. My son is gone at camp and I won't worry about urine contaminating his food. I won't worry about him knocking over the urine container in the fridge. I'm still grossed out beyond words about having to store 24 hours' worth of urine in my fridge, but the cooler idea won't work because we figured the dogs would get into it. Anyway, right when I decided to get this done, I got a letter in the mail.
They used my full name. It reminded me of mom, when I was in deep trouble as a kid: the full name, including my middle name. All caps and bolded! lol Dr. X would like to see you on this date. You must complete the urine test two weeks prior. yada, yada, yada
I laughed. He's going to hunt me down and get me back in there come hell or high water.
I feel like a shmuck. I just don't mess around with my health. Trying to figure out why I did not do this test, I've come up with two conclusions. One, I needed to not think about the whole kidney stone business. I needed to put it out of my mind. It was excruciating for years, doctors blew me off, I had two unnecessary surgeries when a simple x-ray would have found the problem. Water under the bridge, but I think I was so upset about all that, that I didn't want to face it.
Two: Don't mess with my food. Actually, when discussing this with my husband, I used the F-bomb. I'm still struggling trying to find filling and nutritious foods to replace what I can no longer eat. The last words out of my doctor's mouth when I had the stent removed were this: Follow this diet, do the urine test, and then we'll make further modifications to your diet.
Damn it, I don't want *any* modifications. I was doing well. My blood work was great. I was full on fewer calories. Now I'm always hungry. I don't want to further modify anything. So it freaked me out. I buried my head in the sand.
Well, getting my shit together as I'm doing, I'm facing it head on. I'm not happy about it, I'm certain I'll have to make further adjustments because I can almost always feel my kidney which can't be right. It is what it is.
Time to put on the big-girl panties, face it, adjust, move on and get rid of the rest of this weight.
It's hard, but I will make it. One step at a time.
6.18.2011
Of Great Importance to Me
I need to get my shit together.
There, I said it. I typically do not swear online, but it's a HUGE reality. I need to regroup, get organized, and get going.
I've spent the better part of this year in a depression the likes of which I have never had before. Should have gone to the doctor, but I'm too stubborn for that. It's lifting now. I'm seeing things more clearly. Doesn't mean I'm cured by any means, but I'm better.
Exercise: Back on track with a vengeance. I feel my muscles tightening up again. I am sweaty, sweaty, sweaty! It is a great feeling to sort laundry and find sweat-soaked workout clothes. Exercise: Check.
Food: This is the biggie for me. I spent the last year not losing much at all. I even renamed the blog to The Tortoise. I measured everything, didn't cheat, and didn't lose. I went low-cal, higher cal, zig-zag: nada.
I think it's time for me to admit this: At this point I need to quit making family meals. I need to make "them" and "me" meals. I never wanted to do this, but I'm going to have to get drastic here and fend for myself. Lowest calorie biggest "full" bang I can find that I like. That does not always coincide with what my family likes.
I think I'm going to try to drop calories lower than I have. (And I'm *not* talking dangerously low at all.) I exercise hard, I average anywhere between 15,000 and 20,000+ steps a day. I move this body so I need some fuel.
The biggest thing I have to do is face this head on mentally. I've struggled so much lately with the whole bad mentality lately. Life was too hard there for awhile and I coasted along. No regrets about that AT ALL. I did what I had to do to get through. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I have issues that I need to tackle, issues that I don't necessarily want to share here because they're too personal.
My health is too damned important to pussyfoot around anymore. I need to get this weight off. The weight probably caused the kidney stone issues to begin with. I don't know which came first, the insulin resistance or the weight, but having the weight in a healthy place will drastically improve the insulin resistance. And everything else.
It's time.
I'm getting my shit together.
There, I said it. I typically do not swear online, but it's a HUGE reality. I need to regroup, get organized, and get going.
I've spent the better part of this year in a depression the likes of which I have never had before. Should have gone to the doctor, but I'm too stubborn for that. It's lifting now. I'm seeing things more clearly. Doesn't mean I'm cured by any means, but I'm better.
Exercise: Back on track with a vengeance. I feel my muscles tightening up again. I am sweaty, sweaty, sweaty! It is a great feeling to sort laundry and find sweat-soaked workout clothes. Exercise: Check.
Food: This is the biggie for me. I spent the last year not losing much at all. I even renamed the blog to The Tortoise. I measured everything, didn't cheat, and didn't lose. I went low-cal, higher cal, zig-zag: nada.
I think it's time for me to admit this: At this point I need to quit making family meals. I need to make "them" and "me" meals. I never wanted to do this, but I'm going to have to get drastic here and fend for myself. Lowest calorie biggest "full" bang I can find that I like. That does not always coincide with what my family likes.
I think I'm going to try to drop calories lower than I have. (And I'm *not* talking dangerously low at all.) I exercise hard, I average anywhere between 15,000 and 20,000+ steps a day. I move this body so I need some fuel.
The biggest thing I have to do is face this head on mentally. I've struggled so much lately with the whole bad mentality lately. Life was too hard there for awhile and I coasted along. No regrets about that AT ALL. I did what I had to do to get through. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I have issues that I need to tackle, issues that I don't necessarily want to share here because they're too personal.
My health is too damned important to pussyfoot around anymore. I need to get this weight off. The weight probably caused the kidney stone issues to begin with. I don't know which came first, the insulin resistance or the weight, but having the weight in a healthy place will drastically improve the insulin resistance. And everything else.
It's time.
I'm getting my shit together.
6.15.2011
1985 Just Called
I have a fitness friend who loves to rebound like I do. She recommended a video from 1985. She even offered to mail it to me for me to borrow. It was so cheap on Amazon that I bought it instead. The video is Jump To It! The lovely Dan Finnegan and her sister Debbie Smith put this video out, and it screams 1985. The lead is dressed in the then-cute leotard with two different colored slouch socks, head band, and high-top shoes. The music is very 80s.
Today we call that cheese. Then it was cool. It doesn't bother me in the least because I lived through that era, and aside from having my son, the 80s were probably the best time of my life.
The workout itself kicked my butt from here to Sunday. I did preview it and she did a slow warm up, then a super long stretch. I did not do either of those. I do not believe in stretching at the beginning of a workout. It's a quirk of mine, but stretching comes at the end when your muscles are warm. Plus, why start, get your heart rate up, then stop to stretch?
Started with the workout and it was fast and furious. They were doing high kicks which I did not do. My heart rate skyrocketed within minutes. It was tough! I lost sight of the outfits and the 80s music quickly, I was just trying to keep up! The various routines varied in tempo, and thankfully some were easy, but others had me huffing and puffing.
This is a keeper. It boiled down to 30 minutes of pure butt-kicking cardio which I loved. I have a new goal to make it through this video completely without altering, slowing down, changing steps--that means keeping up on beat, doing those kicks. I think it may take me awhile!
It's fun to find things from the past.
And speaking of workouts, I am now on week 4 of my FIRM 90 Day Rotation. This is the longest I have ever gone on a rotation. I'm shocked. I am missing Cathe DVDs and Gin and step very much, but I'm loving my FIRMS and I keep reminding myself it won't last forever. As my fitness builds back up again, I know I'll be doing more doubles. I've done a few already, including today. So hopefully I can add in more step to this rotation as time goes. However, the rotation does get tougher as it goes along, so I'm in for a ride. I do believe I will make it through! I've always wanted to say, "I've done The FIRM's 90 Day Rotation!" I'll get to say that in 8 more weeks!!!
Today we call that cheese. Then it was cool. It doesn't bother me in the least because I lived through that era, and aside from having my son, the 80s were probably the best time of my life.
The workout itself kicked my butt from here to Sunday. I did preview it and she did a slow warm up, then a super long stretch. I did not do either of those. I do not believe in stretching at the beginning of a workout. It's a quirk of mine, but stretching comes at the end when your muscles are warm. Plus, why start, get your heart rate up, then stop to stretch?
Started with the workout and it was fast and furious. They were doing high kicks which I did not do. My heart rate skyrocketed within minutes. It was tough! I lost sight of the outfits and the 80s music quickly, I was just trying to keep up! The various routines varied in tempo, and thankfully some were easy, but others had me huffing and puffing.
This is a keeper. It boiled down to 30 minutes of pure butt-kicking cardio which I loved. I have a new goal to make it through this video completely without altering, slowing down, changing steps--that means keeping up on beat, doing those kicks. I think it may take me awhile!
It's fun to find things from the past.
And speaking of workouts, I am now on week 4 of my FIRM 90 Day Rotation. This is the longest I have ever gone on a rotation. I'm shocked. I am missing Cathe DVDs and Gin and step very much, but I'm loving my FIRMS and I keep reminding myself it won't last forever. As my fitness builds back up again, I know I'll be doing more doubles. I've done a few already, including today. So hopefully I can add in more step to this rotation as time goes. However, the rotation does get tougher as it goes along, so I'm in for a ride. I do believe I will make it through! I've always wanted to say, "I've done The FIRM's 90 Day Rotation!" I'll get to say that in 8 more weeks!!!
6.12.2011
The Truth
Discovered this lovely gem while reading online. Thought I'd share.
“The Truth”
“I will believe the truth about myself
no matter how beautiful it is:
I believe in my power
to transform indifference into love.
I believe I have an amazing gift
to keep hope alive in the face of despair.
I believe I have the remarkable skill
of deleting bitterness from my life.
I believe in my budding potential
to live with a nonviolent heart.
I believe in my passion to speak the truth
even when it isn’t popular.
I believe I have the strength of will
to be peace in a world of violence.
I believe in my miraculous capacity
for unconditional love.
I will believe the truth about myself
no matter how beautiful it is.”
~Macrina Wiederkehr
from “Seven Sacred Pauses, Living Mindfully Through the Hours of the Day”
“The Truth”
“I will believe the truth about myself
no matter how beautiful it is:
I believe in my power
to transform indifference into love.
I believe I have an amazing gift
to keep hope alive in the face of despair.
I believe I have the remarkable skill
of deleting bitterness from my life.
I believe in my budding potential
to live with a nonviolent heart.
I believe in my passion to speak the truth
even when it isn’t popular.
I believe I have the strength of will
to be peace in a world of violence.
I believe in my miraculous capacity
for unconditional love.
I will believe the truth about myself
no matter how beautiful it is.”
~Macrina Wiederkehr
from “Seven Sacred Pauses, Living Mindfully Through the Hours of the Day”
6.08.2011
Self-Esteem ???
Someone very close to me told me today that "having no self-esteem makes me not pretty. I was also told I am always angry: angry at the world, my family and everything.
No time for me to respond to anything, but I will here.
There was a day when I had no self-esteem. It waivers some still today, but I'm pretty confident about how far I've come, my abilities and who I am. I would never, ever describe myself as someone who didn't have self esteem. I don't see myself in that light at all. I would describe myself as brutally honest, I know my strengths and weaknesses. The comment floored me and hurt me beyond words. So this person thinks I'm ugly because I have no self esteem. Wow--I just--I don't know what to say. That stung.
Anger.
Do I have anger? Sure.
Do I have joy? Sure.
Do I have love? Sure.
Do I have laughter? Sure.
Do I have trust? Well, I have issues with that one. I do with the two most important people in my life.
Do I have fear? Sure.
Do I have awe? Sure.
Do I have disappointment? Sure.
My point? I'm human. I'm not angry at the world. I'm not angry at everything. I'm not angry with my immediate family.
Dare I ever share a feeling, express my thoughts and this person will label me. This person doesn't listen when I'm happy, when I'm laughing, when I have joy. I do have all those.
Me thinks the problem is not with me. Me thinks the problem is that the person who accused me of having no self-esteem and being ugly and having anger has those problems his/her self. It's called PROJECTION.
I'm human, subject to error. I never claimed to be perfect. My feelings really got hurt today. Today I had sadness.
I am human.
No time for me to respond to anything, but I will here.
There was a day when I had no self-esteem. It waivers some still today, but I'm pretty confident about how far I've come, my abilities and who I am. I would never, ever describe myself as someone who didn't have self esteem. I don't see myself in that light at all. I would describe myself as brutally honest, I know my strengths and weaknesses. The comment floored me and hurt me beyond words. So this person thinks I'm ugly because I have no self esteem. Wow--I just--I don't know what to say. That stung.
Anger.
Do I have anger? Sure.
Do I have joy? Sure.
Do I have love? Sure.
Do I have laughter? Sure.
Do I have trust? Well, I have issues with that one. I do with the two most important people in my life.
Do I have fear? Sure.
Do I have awe? Sure.
Do I have disappointment? Sure.
My point? I'm human. I'm not angry at the world. I'm not angry at everything. I'm not angry with my immediate family.
Dare I ever share a feeling, express my thoughts and this person will label me. This person doesn't listen when I'm happy, when I'm laughing, when I have joy. I do have all those.
Me thinks the problem is not with me. Me thinks the problem is that the person who accused me of having no self-esteem and being ugly and having anger has those problems his/her self. It's called PROJECTION.
I'm human, subject to error. I never claimed to be perfect. My feelings really got hurt today. Today I had sadness.
I am human.
6.03.2011
ABCDEFood
This is floating around blog-land, I thought it was cute, so I'm stealing copying it from Bonnie at Fat Be Gone. I just can't think of much to blog about lately!
A: is for Apple, what's your favorite variety?
Yummy, Red Delicious!
B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition, calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece of?
Sourdough! Can't find good sourdough where we live, though. California Sourdough is the best. Olive Garden bread sticks would come in a close second.
C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)
Kellogg's Complete. I have had them almost every day since I was a small child and they were called 40% Bran Flakes. Guess what? They're on my no-eat and/or limited list now. This is tough!
D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy?
Back in the day when I ate them, I liked glazed or chocolate covered glazed. My son had a doughnut about a year ago and I took a nibble and it was horrid! I have no desire nor craving for doughnuts now at all. See, miracles do happen!
E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?
I love eggs! Scrambled, over easy, hard boiled, poached--they're a happy, healthy food!
F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product?
I used to enjoy fat-free sliced cheese. It's really not good, so I quit eating it. The only fat-free product in my house now is fat free half and half and when it's gone, it's not being replaced.
G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours at?
We have three grocery stores in our small town and I shop at all three. The bulk of our groceries come from Wal-mart because it's cheaper. Meat comes from a very small chain that recently opened. Produce we prefer to get at stores other than Wal-mart.
H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?
Hands-down, Starbucks decaf coffee! YUM Wish we had a Starbucks here!
I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping.
I am not a big ice cream eater. Never really was. I do really enjoy a chocolate/vanilla twist from McDonald's on occasion, though.
J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?
Grape.
K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?
I have never tried a single Kashi product--nor will I. They have too many ingredients I can't eat now. :(
L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?
A mixed lettuce salad, a little shredded cabbage, tons of shredded carrots, 2% cottage cheese and a cheese stick.
M: is for microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack?
In our home, microwaves are for heating food. I very rarely make microwave popcorn only not the bagged stuff, I use a microwave popper.
N: is for nutrients, do you like carbs, fats, or proteins best?
All of 'em. Carbs--I'm addicted to carbs, but working on it.
O: is for oil, what kind do you like to use?
Extra virgin olive oil. We do have canola oil on hand, but it's all about the olive oil.
P: is for protein, how do you get yours?
Sparingly. I have to eat a low-protein diet. I enjoy tuna, all kinds of beef, chicken breasts and eggs. I can only have 3 ounces of any meat twice a day, though. Darned purine.
Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats?
Regular Quaker oatmeal, not the quick stuff.
R: is for roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast?
Beef!
S: is for sandwich, what’s your favorite kind?
Yum, Subway's roast beef! Have to plan it, though, due to high sodium.
T: is for travel, how do you handle eating while traveling?
Since the kidney stone business, I haven't traveled overnight. I will probably take a bunch of food with me in a cooler and hit a grocery store upon arrival. Plan eating out very carefully.
U: is for unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos?
I can't think of anything too weird. My mom used to like mashed potato and mustard sandwiches, though!
V: is for vitamins, what kind do you take?
I take a multi-vitamin and fish oil daily.
W: is for wasabi, yay or nay?
I don't know what it is! I think it's a hot Japanese sauce, in which case NO WAY! lol
X: is for X-RAY. If we x-rayed your belly right now, what food would we see?
Probably just water. It was egg night, but I'm sure it's digested by now--that was hours ago.
Y: is for youth, what food reminds you of your childhood?
Drawing a complete blank. I guess we used to eat Pringles out of the can a lot.
Z: is for zucchini, how do you prepare it?
I used to put it in spaghetti sauce, but I don't each much pasta now...will have to come up with some new recipes for it.
A: is for Apple, what's your favorite variety?
Yummy, Red Delicious!
B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition, calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece of?
Sourdough! Can't find good sourdough where we live, though. California Sourdough is the best. Olive Garden bread sticks would come in a close second.
C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!)
Kellogg's Complete. I have had them almost every day since I was a small child and they were called 40% Bran Flakes. Guess what? They're on my no-eat and/or limited list now. This is tough!
D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy?
Back in the day when I ate them, I liked glazed or chocolate covered glazed. My son had a doughnut about a year ago and I took a nibble and it was horrid! I have no desire nor craving for doughnuts now at all. See, miracles do happen!
E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?
I love eggs! Scrambled, over easy, hard boiled, poached--they're a happy, healthy food!
F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product?
I used to enjoy fat-free sliced cheese. It's really not good, so I quit eating it. The only fat-free product in my house now is fat free half and half and when it's gone, it's not being replaced.
G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours at?
We have three grocery stores in our small town and I shop at all three. The bulk of our groceries come from Wal-mart because it's cheaper. Meat comes from a very small chain that recently opened. Produce we prefer to get at stores other than Wal-mart.
H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?
Hands-down, Starbucks decaf coffee! YUM Wish we had a Starbucks here!
I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping.
I am not a big ice cream eater. Never really was. I do really enjoy a chocolate/vanilla twist from McDonald's on occasion, though.
J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?
Grape.
K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?
I have never tried a single Kashi product--nor will I. They have too many ingredients I can't eat now. :(
L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?
A mixed lettuce salad, a little shredded cabbage, tons of shredded carrots, 2% cottage cheese and a cheese stick.
M: is for microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack?
In our home, microwaves are for heating food. I very rarely make microwave popcorn only not the bagged stuff, I use a microwave popper.
N: is for nutrients, do you like carbs, fats, or proteins best?
All of 'em. Carbs--I'm addicted to carbs, but working on it.
O: is for oil, what kind do you like to use?
Extra virgin olive oil. We do have canola oil on hand, but it's all about the olive oil.
P: is for protein, how do you get yours?
Sparingly. I have to eat a low-protein diet. I enjoy tuna, all kinds of beef, chicken breasts and eggs. I can only have 3 ounces of any meat twice a day, though. Darned purine.
Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats?
Regular Quaker oatmeal, not the quick stuff.
R: is for roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast?
Beef!
S: is for sandwich, what’s your favorite kind?
Yum, Subway's roast beef! Have to plan it, though, due to high sodium.
T: is for travel, how do you handle eating while traveling?
Since the kidney stone business, I haven't traveled overnight. I will probably take a bunch of food with me in a cooler and hit a grocery store upon arrival. Plan eating out very carefully.
U: is for unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos?
I can't think of anything too weird. My mom used to like mashed potato and mustard sandwiches, though!
V: is for vitamins, what kind do you take?
I take a multi-vitamin and fish oil daily.
W: is for wasabi, yay or nay?
I don't know what it is! I think it's a hot Japanese sauce, in which case NO WAY! lol
X: is for X-RAY. If we x-rayed your belly right now, what food would we see?
Probably just water. It was egg night, but I'm sure it's digested by now--that was hours ago.
Y: is for youth, what food reminds you of your childhood?
Drawing a complete blank. I guess we used to eat Pringles out of the can a lot.
Z: is for zucchini, how do you prepare it?
I used to put it in spaghetti sauce, but I don't each much pasta now...will have to come up with some new recipes for it.
6.01.2011
My Goal Chart & A Big Favor!
So I was looking at my goal chart just now and it was disgusting. I've gained weight, I'm heavier than I was a year ago. Granted, not by very much--a couple pounds, but what the heck happened?
A whole year went by, I got to 192, then I went back up. Feeling very bad, being very hard on myself, my husband told me to cut myself some slack. That whole kidney stone business was brutal. It really was. I knew I felt bad, but now that I no longer have the pain and look back, I wonder how I made it through. Seriously. Plus I had two surgeries within this year segment. So while I'm not overly happy, I will cut myself some slack.
I'm eating well, exercising, saw the scale squeak a bit, but then it halted. I weigh everything, I eat the right salt/protein/fat/carbs, very few processed foods. I work out, I move more than I have in years. Not just exercise, but daily movement. Last week I had 124,534 steps, 54.92 miles. I remember the days where I didn't move, I sat. So the lifestyle is there, I'm making informed choices, and yet the scale doesn't budge, it just squeaks every now and again. Persevere. I'm just going to keep plugging away. It will move--it has to!
And life goes on. I really would like to start updating that goal chart again. I do not like being stuck, going backwards, being stuck again. Ready to kick this fat to the curb!
~~~
I have a really big favor. I'm going to blog more about this, but anyone who has read my blog for any length of time knows how much I love The FIRM--the Benson era Firms. Well, here's the deal. These instructors have done so much for me even though they don't know I exist. I would like to give back. Well, as it turns out, some are on Facebook and they do friend their fans. One of them is the wonderful LaReine Chabut. She asked me--yes, me personally!--to help spread the word about her Facebook page. Here it is: LOSE That BABY FAT. It is listed as TV show. I have not asked her about that, but will. Anyway, she's talented and one of the "safe, trustworthy" instructors. If you're on Facebook, please go to her site and "like" it. It would mean a lot to me. I do plan a longer post on her shortly, but just wanted to get that out there tonight. I've added her photo/link to the upper right-hand corner of the blog. For those who have just had babies, she's your gal! For those of us who have older kids, she's still our gal! Thank you for that!
A whole year went by, I got to 192, then I went back up. Feeling very bad, being very hard on myself, my husband told me to cut myself some slack. That whole kidney stone business was brutal. It really was. I knew I felt bad, but now that I no longer have the pain and look back, I wonder how I made it through. Seriously. Plus I had two surgeries within this year segment. So while I'm not overly happy, I will cut myself some slack.
I'm eating well, exercising, saw the scale squeak a bit, but then it halted. I weigh everything, I eat the right salt/protein/fat/carbs, very few processed foods. I work out, I move more than I have in years. Not just exercise, but daily movement. Last week I had 124,534 steps, 54.92 miles. I remember the days where I didn't move, I sat. So the lifestyle is there, I'm making informed choices, and yet the scale doesn't budge, it just squeaks every now and again. Persevere. I'm just going to keep plugging away. It will move--it has to!
And life goes on. I really would like to start updating that goal chart again. I do not like being stuck, going backwards, being stuck again. Ready to kick this fat to the curb!
~~~
I have a really big favor. I'm going to blog more about this, but anyone who has read my blog for any length of time knows how much I love The FIRM--the Benson era Firms. Well, here's the deal. These instructors have done so much for me even though they don't know I exist. I would like to give back. Well, as it turns out, some are on Facebook and they do friend their fans. One of them is the wonderful LaReine Chabut. She asked me--yes, me personally!--to help spread the word about her Facebook page. Here it is: LOSE That BABY FAT. It is listed as TV show. I have not asked her about that, but will. Anyway, she's talented and one of the "safe, trustworthy" instructors. If you're on Facebook, please go to her site and "like" it. It would mean a lot to me. I do plan a longer post on her shortly, but just wanted to get that out there tonight. I've added her photo/link to the upper right-hand corner of the blog. For those who have just had babies, she's your gal! For those of us who have older kids, she's still our gal! Thank you for that!
5.29.2011
The FIRM: 90 Day Rotation
Week 1: DONE! Yay, me! Back in the saddle again. The week was filled with many Epsom salt baths, meetings with my foam roller and Tune-up balls. I made 'er, though.
If you don't use it, you lose it. I hadn't done strength training for a few weeks and I felt it. Cannot live without that again. Cardio is great, but to build a healthy body, one must strength train. And stretch.
I'm doing this with other Firm lovers and I really hope I'll make it through this rotation. So far I haven't had that "I want to do Cathe, Jenny, Gin, Paul, Christi...etc." desire hit me. But then again, it's only been a week.
I love to work out. I really, really do. It is a great joy to me, an escape, a physical outlet that is oh, so good. I love my DVDs.
Feeling pretty happy over this tonight. Focusing on the positives!
5.28.2011
Scared Sh*tless
I do swear in real life. I can't bring myself to put the "i" in, though.
I've been reading, again, about metabolic disorder--metabolic syndrome, Syndrome X, prediabetes, insulin resistance--basically it's all the same thing. Well, insulin resistance is a component of metabolic syndrome.
It scares the crap out of me. It is a time bomb just waiting to go off.
The "diet" most prescribed for this is the Mediterranean Diet. The bad thing is that can be carb rich, and basically if you have Metabolic Syndrome, it's kind of like you're allergic to carbs. You have to eat the complex carbs and NO junk, simple or processed carb stuff.
I've read so many books on the subject. Exercise is crucial in helping with insulin resistance, diet is imperative. The thing that's tough for me is my protein has to be really low with the kidney issue. Speaking of kidneys, I learned just today that kidney stones/problems with kidneys is a big thing with Metabolic Syndrome. People with Metabolic Syndrome have high levels of uric acid. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? They don't know if it's the high uric acid levels that cause the syndrome or if the syndrome causes the high uric acid.
What have I done to my body over all these years?
Anyway, I'm trying to get on with life and get my "diet" (what I eat, not necessarily a die-t) lined up. Restrictions here, restrictions there. Carbs are filling. When you up the fat, you are missing volume in your diet that once was (at least for me) carbs. So I'm hungry a lot. A LOT.
Trying hard to get this squared away. Making food lists of things I can have. Reading, researching, figuring it all out.
It gives me a headache.
No exercise today, but I did break 14,000 steps. I worked around the house all day and then when it was time to work out, my stomach was upset, I felt feverish and I just decided that I need to rest. BIG no-no, because I need at least 30 minutes of cardio a day for this insulin resistance thing--but I'm going to fall back on my busy-ness of the day and my 14,000 steps just this once. I've been feeling sickly all night.
Anyway, the implications of this Metabolic Syndrome scare me so bad. I guess I realized today that it is a huge battle that I will fight the rest of my life. Can it be cured? I don't know the answer to that, but it can be controlled. I've made a huge dent already. My lipids are better, I exercise, my blood sugar is normal, blood pressure...but I have the kidney thing, and I still meet the qualifications for this syndrome. So I have a heck of a lot of work ahead of me.
I like to read actual studies and that takes me awhile because I do not have a medical education. It's fascinating and scary at the same time. No one can accuse me of being uninformed on the matter.
Time bomb, waiting to go off. Quality of life is worth the battle. Game on.
I've been reading, again, about metabolic disorder--metabolic syndrome, Syndrome X, prediabetes, insulin resistance--basically it's all the same thing. Well, insulin resistance is a component of metabolic syndrome.
It scares the crap out of me. It is a time bomb just waiting to go off.
The "diet" most prescribed for this is the Mediterranean Diet. The bad thing is that can be carb rich, and basically if you have Metabolic Syndrome, it's kind of like you're allergic to carbs. You have to eat the complex carbs and NO junk, simple or processed carb stuff.
I've read so many books on the subject. Exercise is crucial in helping with insulin resistance, diet is imperative. The thing that's tough for me is my protein has to be really low with the kidney issue. Speaking of kidneys, I learned just today that kidney stones/problems with kidneys is a big thing with Metabolic Syndrome. People with Metabolic Syndrome have high levels of uric acid. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? They don't know if it's the high uric acid levels that cause the syndrome or if the syndrome causes the high uric acid.
What have I done to my body over all these years?
Anyway, I'm trying to get on with life and get my "diet" (what I eat, not necessarily a die-t) lined up. Restrictions here, restrictions there. Carbs are filling. When you up the fat, you are missing volume in your diet that once was (at least for me) carbs. So I'm hungry a lot. A LOT.
Trying hard to get this squared away. Making food lists of things I can have. Reading, researching, figuring it all out.
It gives me a headache.
No exercise today, but I did break 14,000 steps. I worked around the house all day and then when it was time to work out, my stomach was upset, I felt feverish and I just decided that I need to rest. BIG no-no, because I need at least 30 minutes of cardio a day for this insulin resistance thing--but I'm going to fall back on my busy-ness of the day and my 14,000 steps just this once. I've been feeling sickly all night.
Anyway, the implications of this Metabolic Syndrome scare me so bad. I guess I realized today that it is a huge battle that I will fight the rest of my life. Can it be cured? I don't know the answer to that, but it can be controlled. I've made a huge dent already. My lipids are better, I exercise, my blood sugar is normal, blood pressure...but I have the kidney thing, and I still meet the qualifications for this syndrome. So I have a heck of a lot of work ahead of me.
I like to read actual studies and that takes me awhile because I do not have a medical education. It's fascinating and scary at the same time. No one can accuse me of being uninformed on the matter.
Time bomb, waiting to go off. Quality of life is worth the battle. Game on.
5.25.2011
Instant Gratification
I think society is set up for instant gratification. We don't like to wait for anything, we want it now. Want a new song? Log on, go to iTunes, ta da, it's there. Want to snuggle up with a good book? Buy yourself a Kindle, turn your Kindle on, buy the book you want and you're all set.
It works that way with health and weight loss, too. We want it now. We want that weight to fall off immediately. We want Biggest Loser-type results. Fast. Now.
For me, that extends to food. I don't like to cook. That may be why going out to eat was at one point a big part of our lives. It was easier to get in the car, go through the drive through, bring it home and have supper than it was to cook. Silly because we could have prepared a nutritious meal in the same period of time, but it was just easier to get in that car.
We don't do that anymore. Sometimes we go to Subway, but I have to be super careful there now because of sodium content. Lunch meat is notoriously high in sodium. I really have to plan for it.
I think one of the reasons I've struggled with my kidney stone prevention diet is that instantly, many of my favorite foods were taken away like a rug is yanked from under one's feet. I no longer had that instant gratification of going into the kitchen knowing that I could prepare what I was to eat almost effortlessly. I brooded. I moped around, I was depressed. My depression had many causes, that was just one part.
Now as that cloud has blown away, I'm left trying to find new instant gratification. I am still struggling. I don't know what to eat. Trying to get my healthy monounsaturated fats, a blogging friend suggested macadamia nuts. They were lower in oxalate, much lower. I've tried them, I've tried a couple different brand. I just don't like them. So that pretty much leaves me with olive oil. You can only take so much olive oil.
My breakfasts are still a struggle. One of the few processed foods I was eating was high fiber cereal and it's on the no-no list. I've played around with other cereals, but they have NO nutritional value, no fiber, and they make me crave more. Bad carbs, bad food choice for me.
It's a struggle. I am so hopeful to find my groove, to find my new niche. I want it fast, I want it easy, and I want it palatable. I'm not having much luck.
Someone suggested to me that I was being immature and a baby about all of this. I needed to grow up, and eat what was healthy for my body. Then she went over what she thought I needed. Most of the foods she eats and was trying to get me to eat were very high in oxalate and on my no list, plus she eats a lot of meat and couldn't comprehend that I am only allowed meat (fish, beef, poultry) twice a day with three ounce portions. If she had to do what I'm faced with, she'd be pretty miserable, too.
I was talking to another friend this week and she said that it she thought it was easier to follow her diabetic diet than mine. We both decided it would be wonderful if we were given a list of what all you could eat and go from there. It doesn't work that way.
I'm no cook, I'm not creative in the kitchen, and I do struggle. I'm hungry. I want to fuel my body, I want nutritious foods. So I think this will take me awhile. At this stage I'm over the anger, and over my "immature and baby attitude" that I was told I had. (I may have been immature and had a childish attitude, but I own that--it was very hard for me. If I had a healthy relationship with food to begin with, it wouldn't have been so difficult. I don't have a healthy relationship with food and everything healthful I was trying to do turned out to be bad for my body, not society in general.)
15% protein (two 3-ounce servings of meat daily)
40% fat
45% carbs
2300 mg sodium
1200 mg calcium daily
8-10 oz. water each hour
The protein/fat/carbs is my concoction. It's mixing the low-protein needs of the KS diet with the lower carb needs of my metabolic disorder.
Looks easy, but when you drop your carbs and up the fat, you're getting a lot less volume. Less bang for the buck. That's why I'm hungry.
So I'm working on it. I'm looking for new foods, I'm looking for fresh ideas. My eye is on the prize. I just love getting thrown curve balls. That's why I'm The Tortoise--it's slow, but damn it, I'm so stubborn, I will get there.
It works that way with health and weight loss, too. We want it now. We want that weight to fall off immediately. We want Biggest Loser-type results. Fast. Now.
For me, that extends to food. I don't like to cook. That may be why going out to eat was at one point a big part of our lives. It was easier to get in the car, go through the drive through, bring it home and have supper than it was to cook. Silly because we could have prepared a nutritious meal in the same period of time, but it was just easier to get in that car.
We don't do that anymore. Sometimes we go to Subway, but I have to be super careful there now because of sodium content. Lunch meat is notoriously high in sodium. I really have to plan for it.
I think one of the reasons I've struggled with my kidney stone prevention diet is that instantly, many of my favorite foods were taken away like a rug is yanked from under one's feet. I no longer had that instant gratification of going into the kitchen knowing that I could prepare what I was to eat almost effortlessly. I brooded. I moped around, I was depressed. My depression had many causes, that was just one part.
Now as that cloud has blown away, I'm left trying to find new instant gratification. I am still struggling. I don't know what to eat. Trying to get my healthy monounsaturated fats, a blogging friend suggested macadamia nuts. They were lower in oxalate, much lower. I've tried them, I've tried a couple different brand. I just don't like them. So that pretty much leaves me with olive oil. You can only take so much olive oil.
My breakfasts are still a struggle. One of the few processed foods I was eating was high fiber cereal and it's on the no-no list. I've played around with other cereals, but they have NO nutritional value, no fiber, and they make me crave more. Bad carbs, bad food choice for me.
It's a struggle. I am so hopeful to find my groove, to find my new niche. I want it fast, I want it easy, and I want it palatable. I'm not having much luck.
Someone suggested to me that I was being immature and a baby about all of this. I needed to grow up, and eat what was healthy for my body. Then she went over what she thought I needed. Most of the foods she eats and was trying to get me to eat were very high in oxalate and on my no list, plus she eats a lot of meat and couldn't comprehend that I am only allowed meat (fish, beef, poultry) twice a day with three ounce portions. If she had to do what I'm faced with, she'd be pretty miserable, too.
I was talking to another friend this week and she said that it she thought it was easier to follow her diabetic diet than mine. We both decided it would be wonderful if we were given a list of what all you could eat and go from there. It doesn't work that way.
I'm no cook, I'm not creative in the kitchen, and I do struggle. I'm hungry. I want to fuel my body, I want nutritious foods. So I think this will take me awhile. At this stage I'm over the anger, and over my "immature and baby attitude" that I was told I had. (I may have been immature and had a childish attitude, but I own that--it was very hard for me. If I had a healthy relationship with food to begin with, it wouldn't have been so difficult. I don't have a healthy relationship with food and everything healthful I was trying to do turned out to be bad for my body, not society in general.)
15% protein (two 3-ounce servings of meat daily)
40% fat
45% carbs
2300 mg sodium
1200 mg calcium daily
8-10 oz. water each hour
The protein/fat/carbs is my concoction. It's mixing the low-protein needs of the KS diet with the lower carb needs of my metabolic disorder.
Looks easy, but when you drop your carbs and up the fat, you're getting a lot less volume. Less bang for the buck. That's why I'm hungry.
So I'm working on it. I'm looking for new foods, I'm looking for fresh ideas. My eye is on the prize. I just love getting thrown curve balls. That's why I'm The Tortoise--it's slow, but damn it, I'm so stubborn, I will get there.
5.24.2011
Day 2 of the Rotation
Today I did my workout, The Firm's Core Cardio 1 and an ab workout. I plan on something light tonight.
Observations: My glutes are screaming! DOMS from triceps work as well. It's good to have those feelings. Tomorrow is another strength workout and I'm fearful of what it will do to my screaming glutes, but I need to remind myself that it's good to work out when one has DOMS. The soreness will probably be gone tomorrow anyway. I love my Firms. If I could have only one "set" or instructor or brand, it would be the Benson-era Firms. Thankfully I'm not limited, as I'm a vidiot to the core and love many instructors.
My heart rate monitor broke! The battery appeared dead, so I replaced it. It worked, had me re-log all the information, then when I put the back on it, it quit again. Not happy as I use that on my rebounder because the fitbit doesn't work correctly on there, and I also use it to actually watch my heart rate! Will have hubby look at it. Hoping that I don't need to buy a new one. It has had a lot of use, though. It's one of my can't-live-without items, though. (So is my fitbit.)
Food great today. Out of salad, so hubby is running to the store later tonight for me--bless his complaining heart. lol
This is the last day of my son's after-school class and I'm thrilled--Tuesday freedom! We love his class, love the instructor, and it's a great outlet for him, but it makes Tuesdays crazy as I also do all my errands on Tuesdays. I do that to save time, gas, energy--and it always makes for a busy and somewhat stressful day.
I can't think of anything else to say. Drinking tons of water, getting tons of movement, feeling so much better. Going to do some light movement tonight, I don't know what it will be yet, though. Watching a Cathe video that arrived in today's mail that I traded for--I definitely don't have energy for that!
Observations: My glutes are screaming! DOMS from triceps work as well. It's good to have those feelings. Tomorrow is another strength workout and I'm fearful of what it will do to my screaming glutes, but I need to remind myself that it's good to work out when one has DOMS. The soreness will probably be gone tomorrow anyway. I love my Firms. If I could have only one "set" or instructor or brand, it would be the Benson-era Firms. Thankfully I'm not limited, as I'm a vidiot to the core and love many instructors.
My heart rate monitor broke! The battery appeared dead, so I replaced it. It worked, had me re-log all the information, then when I put the back on it, it quit again. Not happy as I use that on my rebounder because the fitbit doesn't work correctly on there, and I also use it to actually watch my heart rate! Will have hubby look at it. Hoping that I don't need to buy a new one. It has had a lot of use, though. It's one of my can't-live-without items, though. (So is my fitbit.)
Food great today. Out of salad, so hubby is running to the store later tonight for me--bless his complaining heart. lol
This is the last day of my son's after-school class and I'm thrilled--Tuesday freedom! We love his class, love the instructor, and it's a great outlet for him, but it makes Tuesdays crazy as I also do all my errands on Tuesdays. I do that to save time, gas, energy--and it always makes for a busy and somewhat stressful day.
I can't think of anything else to say. Drinking tons of water, getting tons of movement, feeling so much better. Going to do some light movement tonight, I don't know what it will be yet, though. Watching a Cathe video that arrived in today's mail that I traded for--I definitely don't have energy for that!
5.23.2011
Slacking...
I've been doing too much slacking in certain areas lately.
1) Haven't been updating the blog. When you've blogged for over two years, though, you run out of things to blog about. I think up great posts as I'm drifting off to sleep, but in the morning I realize there was nothing great about them because they were just sleep thoughts.
2) Haven't been reading blogs on a regular basis. There's a simple reason for that. I really get bothered when I see recipes with foods I can't have. I'm getting over that, I'm so much better, and I can even crack jokes about almonds now, so that may change soon.
3) Haven't been updating my pretty exercise calendar. My exercise has been weird, I've been doing mostly walking lately. I've been averaging around 18,000 steps daily, give or take. I've been slacking in the weights department--big no no!
So, I will try to update the blog on a more regular basis.
I will try to read blogs on a more regular basis.
I will update my exercise calendar and kick it up a notch with the workouts. In fact, I found some new-to-me friends, fellow Firm lovers, and we're all going to do The Firm's 90 Day Rotation together starting today. This rotation I have attempted many times, but other instructors call my name and I stray by week three.Hopefully this time I'm going to do it! I've always wanted to accomplish that.
I'm feel a LOT better. I had a really good week last week. My spirits are up, my energy is up, and I'm finding my new normal now. I think I just had to go through that rough patch to appreciate everything more so.
1) Haven't been updating the blog. When you've blogged for over two years, though, you run out of things to blog about. I think up great posts as I'm drifting off to sleep, but in the morning I realize there was nothing great about them because they were just sleep thoughts.
2) Haven't been reading blogs on a regular basis. There's a simple reason for that. I really get bothered when I see recipes with foods I can't have. I'm getting over that, I'm so much better, and I can even crack jokes about almonds now, so that may change soon.
3) Haven't been updating my pretty exercise calendar. My exercise has been weird, I've been doing mostly walking lately. I've been averaging around 18,000 steps daily, give or take. I've been slacking in the weights department--big no no!
So, I will try to update the blog on a more regular basis.
I will try to read blogs on a more regular basis.
I will update my exercise calendar and kick it up a notch with the workouts. In fact, I found some new-to-me friends, fellow Firm lovers, and we're all going to do The Firm's 90 Day Rotation together starting today. This rotation I have attempted many times, but other instructors call my name and I stray by week three.
I'm feel a LOT better. I had a really good week last week. My spirits are up, my energy is up, and I'm finding my new normal now. I think I just had to go through that rough patch to appreciate everything more so.
5.17.2011
Great Day!
I had a great day today. I felt good emotionally, I felt good physically, and dare I say it, I was actually happy and content. Knock on wood, don't want to spoil that.
I got SO much work done around the house--felt wonderful.
That's all. Just wanted to share that here as I've been so down in the dumps for so long.
Move along, dark cloud that's been hanging over my head, move along.
I got SO much work done around the house--felt wonderful.
That's all. Just wanted to share that here as I've been so down in the dumps for so long.
Move along, dark cloud that's been hanging over my head, move along.
5.15.2011
Naturally...
I love it when things happen naturally. I didn't set out ever to give up pop, it just happened.
Over the years, I was always known to have a 32 ounce (or bigger as the world supersized) pop with me at all times. It was always Diet Pepsi. I never cared for Diet Coke.
I was a frequent flyer at convenience stores, always buying fountain pop. I always had cans of the stuff at home. It was my thing.
A year or so ago, I can't even remember when, I realized that caffeine was triggering anxiety issues. I stopped caffeine immediately. No more Diet Pepsi. I switched to Diet Sierra Mist. Now this was not something that was served via fountain, so I had to rely on cans or bottles at convenience stores. I drank and drank and enjoyed, never really thinking twice about it.
And then there was the kidney stone episode--the surgery and aftermath. (Yeah, I know I talk about it ad naseum.) I drank my pop after the surgery but I also started up with more water with lemon in it, doctor's orders.
I do not know when it happened, but it did. I realized one day that it had been days since I'd had a pop. Days. Unheard of. My husband couldn't believe it.
Now I drink about one pop a week, if that. I may even have one today as my stomach is very upset and pop helps me when I have an upset tummy. I haven't popped one open yet, so I may not. I will keep it on hand, but the desire is no longer there.
Go figure.
And another thing...it's not just pop that has gone away in my life. Yesterday my husband woke me up (he's an early bird, I am not.) He said he'd make me a pot of coffee. We have two pots because I like Starbucks and he likes Folgers--both decaf. So he pulled the basket out in my pot, and I had left grounds in there and they were, um, growing. I was flabbergasted, as was he. I could not remember the last pot of coffee I had made! It had been awhile. We cleaned the basket and pot up and I did have my two cups of coffee.
What happened? Well, I naturally fell in love with water. I am supposed to drink 8-10 ounces every hour. I have a magnetic timer that I set for 59 minutes. I measure my water and drink throughout the hour. If I have not finished when the alarm goes off, I gulp it down and fill up with ice and pour another cup of water in my glass.
Note: if you drink a lot of water, buy stock in your favorite toilet tissue. Make sure you always have an ample supply on hand.
I now crave water. I wake up in the morning feeling dry and go straight to the fridge where I have a glass prepared the night before waiting for me. I'm so not a morning person, and I love the grab and go.
Who knew. I never set out to do this, it just happened.
I believe one of the reasons I developed kidney stones is I was dehydrated. That is the number one cause of kidney stones. The only time I drank water was when I worked out. I would fill a big BPA free mug before my workout and drink it all. After that, though, I was done with water.
Looking over my notes/charts of my post-surgery weights from all three surgeries, I gained weight with each. (Gain weight, no brownies or fun food--how unfair!) One nurse told me I was well hydrated now. I had gained a lot of weight the following morning. Oh, the horror. Now I know that my body was just craving water.
So nature took its course, and it's a good thing. Water is my drink of choice now. Who'd a thunk it.
Here's a great video that explains why pop is bad. It is the best explanation I have ever seen--logical and scientific. It's almost nine minutes, but well worth the time.
Over the years, I was always known to have a 32 ounce (or bigger as the world supersized) pop with me at all times. It was always Diet Pepsi. I never cared for Diet Coke.
I was a frequent flyer at convenience stores, always buying fountain pop. I always had cans of the stuff at home. It was my thing.
A year or so ago, I can't even remember when, I realized that caffeine was triggering anxiety issues. I stopped caffeine immediately. No more Diet Pepsi. I switched to Diet Sierra Mist. Now this was not something that was served via fountain, so I had to rely on cans or bottles at convenience stores. I drank and drank and enjoyed, never really thinking twice about it.
And then there was the kidney stone episode--the surgery and aftermath. (Yeah, I know I talk about it ad naseum.) I drank my pop after the surgery but I also started up with more water with lemon in it, doctor's orders.
I do not know when it happened, but it did. I realized one day that it had been days since I'd had a pop. Days. Unheard of. My husband couldn't believe it.
Now I drink about one pop a week, if that. I may even have one today as my stomach is very upset and pop helps me when I have an upset tummy. I haven't popped one open yet, so I may not. I will keep it on hand, but the desire is no longer there.
Go figure.
And another thing...it's not just pop that has gone away in my life. Yesterday my husband woke me up (he's an early bird, I am not.) He said he'd make me a pot of coffee. We have two pots because I like Starbucks and he likes Folgers--both decaf. So he pulled the basket out in my pot, and I had left grounds in there and they were, um, growing. I was flabbergasted, as was he. I could not remember the last pot of coffee I had made! It had been awhile. We cleaned the basket and pot up and I did have my two cups of coffee.
What happened? Well, I naturally fell in love with water. I am supposed to drink 8-10 ounces every hour. I have a magnetic timer that I set for 59 minutes. I measure my water and drink throughout the hour. If I have not finished when the alarm goes off, I gulp it down and fill up with ice and pour another cup of water in my glass.
Note: if you drink a lot of water, buy stock in your favorite toilet tissue. Make sure you always have an ample supply on hand.
I now crave water. I wake up in the morning feeling dry and go straight to the fridge where I have a glass prepared the night before waiting for me. I'm so not a morning person, and I love the grab and go.
Who knew. I never set out to do this, it just happened.
I believe one of the reasons I developed kidney stones is I was dehydrated. That is the number one cause of kidney stones. The only time I drank water was when I worked out. I would fill a big BPA free mug before my workout and drink it all. After that, though, I was done with water.
Looking over my notes/charts of my post-surgery weights from all three surgeries, I gained weight with each. (Gain weight, no brownies or fun food--how unfair!) One nurse told me I was well hydrated now. I had gained a lot of weight the following morning. Oh, the horror. Now I know that my body was just craving water.
So nature took its course, and it's a good thing. Water is my drink of choice now. Who'd a thunk it.
Here's a great video that explains why pop is bad. It is the best explanation I have ever seen--logical and scientific. It's almost nine minutes, but well worth the time.
5.06.2011
Hopeful News for Me!
Couldn't sleep, so decided to visit my old friend, Google. If you ask the question right, you're more likely to find more answers.
I can't even remember what question I asked this time, but I hit a jackpot of useful information regarding my kidney stone diet.
According to the National Kidney and Urologic Diseases Information Clearinghouse,
This is new to me, the part that says only a few have been shown to increase the amount of oxalate in the urine. That is HUGE. A lot of my favorite foods that I had to give up are NOT on this list! I am so hopeful that I can eat beans again! Other things, too!
It looks like I will never be able to add nuts back, although several of the websites specifically mentioned peanuts and almonds as the two nuts that were on a similar but expanded list. I am so hopeful.
So my plan is to continue as the doctor ordered, but when I see him the next time, I'm definitely going to ask about this! Plus, I'm going to research further and see if I can find the research/studies online. It helps to read the actual studies because sometimes they can be misleading. They're difficult to read for a lay person like me, but I muddle through them.
This makes me hopeful, very hopeful, especially since my bladder has been rumbling all day today. It cramps and rumbles and flutters. Something is going on. I've been drinking tons of water, but I'm worried that remaining kidney stone is making an appearance. It has done this before and then gone away, so hopefully it will go away again. I do hate having that hanging over my head, though, knowing there will soon be the intense pain.
But again, very hopeful I can expand my diet more. The diet restrictions have been extremely difficult to accept. I have my fingers crossed!
I can't even remember what question I asked this time, but I hit a jackpot of useful information regarding my kidney stone diet.
According to the National Kidney and Urologic Diseases Information Clearinghouse,
How does oxalate in the diet affect kidney stone formation?
Some of the oxalate in urine is made by the body. But eating certain foods with high levels of oxalate can increase the amount of oxalate in the urine, where it combines with calcium to form calcium oxalate stones.
This, I knew.
How can a person limit oxalate in the urine?
Many foods and beverages contain oxalate, but only a few have been shown to increase the amount of oxalate in urine:
Avoiding these foods may help reduce the amount of oxalate in the urine.
- spinach
- rhubarb
- nuts
- wheat bran
This is new to me, the part that says only a few have been shown to increase the amount of oxalate in the urine. That is HUGE. A lot of my favorite foods that I had to give up are NOT on this list! I am so hopeful that I can eat beans again! Other things, too!
It looks like I will never be able to add nuts back, although several of the websites specifically mentioned peanuts and almonds as the two nuts that were on a similar but expanded list. I am so hopeful.
So my plan is to continue as the doctor ordered, but when I see him the next time, I'm definitely going to ask about this! Plus, I'm going to research further and see if I can find the research/studies online. It helps to read the actual studies because sometimes they can be misleading. They're difficult to read for a lay person like me, but I muddle through them.
This makes me hopeful, very hopeful, especially since my bladder has been rumbling all day today. It cramps and rumbles and flutters. Something is going on. I've been drinking tons of water, but I'm worried that remaining kidney stone is making an appearance. It has done this before and then gone away, so hopefully it will go away again. I do hate having that hanging over my head, though, knowing there will soon be the intense pain.
But again, very hopeful I can expand my diet more. The diet restrictions have been extremely difficult to accept. I have my fingers crossed!
5.04.2011
I'm Still Kickin'
I haven't been posting here...not much to say, I guess.
Depression is still mild--which is a good thing, that's far better than where I've been the past months. The music lifts my spirits so much, and on days I forget to plug that iPod into a dock, I drag and wilt. When I have my music going, I'm better.
My sleep is getting better! I'm actually sleeping! I'm up to an average of 5 hours a night, which is great. I haven't taken a sleep aid for awhile. To me, this is a sure sign the depression is heading out.
Food plan--still working on it. 15% protein, 45% carbs and 40% fat is the plan. (For anyone new to my blog, the low protein is due to kidney issues, not my choice.) I am still maintaining right now. The tricky part is to find enough food to eat where I feel full. Bumping my fat intake up so much means a lot of calories for olive oil--basically my fat of choice. I'm finding it very difficult to get enough volume of food while keeping calories low and eating what I'm allowed to eat. It's a work in progress.
I've been working hard on getting my step count back to 20,000--most days I've hit it or close. Today I won't but it's close. I'm doing this because I want to start doing doubles again: One workout in the morning, one in the evening. I'm not quite ready/conditioned but very, very close.
I'm down to about one or two pops a week now. I used to drink a lot of diet pop. It's all about the water now, especially with lots of lemon juice and ice! I'm hoping to change my body's pH and get more alkaline. I still drink about a cup and a half of decaf coffee a day, but that's it. I'm NOT giving that up. Still indulging in the Starbucks brand and loving every last drop of it.
That's it. Things are moving along, I'm much more hopeful now, spring is here, we have some sunshine sometimes, and it's time for rebirth and renewal. I'm ready to get rolling again. Just have to figure out the food thing, which has been such a struggle since January.
It's time to work on a really get tough-get serious exercise rotation.
Depression is still mild--which is a good thing, that's far better than where I've been the past months. The music lifts my spirits so much, and on days I forget to plug that iPod into a dock, I drag and wilt. When I have my music going, I'm better.
My sleep is getting better! I'm actually sleeping! I'm up to an average of 5 hours a night, which is great. I haven't taken a sleep aid for awhile. To me, this is a sure sign the depression is heading out.
Food plan--still working on it. 15% protein, 45% carbs and 40% fat is the plan. (For anyone new to my blog, the low protein is due to kidney issues, not my choice.) I am still maintaining right now. The tricky part is to find enough food to eat where I feel full. Bumping my fat intake up so much means a lot of calories for olive oil--basically my fat of choice. I'm finding it very difficult to get enough volume of food while keeping calories low and eating what I'm allowed to eat. It's a work in progress.
I've been working hard on getting my step count back to 20,000--most days I've hit it or close. Today I won't but it's close. I'm doing this because I want to start doing doubles again: One workout in the morning, one in the evening. I'm not quite ready/conditioned but very, very close.
I'm down to about one or two pops a week now. I used to drink a lot of diet pop. It's all about the water now, especially with lots of lemon juice and ice! I'm hoping to change my body's pH and get more alkaline. I still drink about a cup and a half of decaf coffee a day, but that's it. I'm NOT giving that up. Still indulging in the Starbucks brand and loving every last drop of it.
That's it. Things are moving along, I'm much more hopeful now, spring is here, we have some sunshine sometimes, and it's time for rebirth and renewal. I'm ready to get rolling again. Just have to figure out the food thing, which has been such a struggle since January.
It's time to work on a really get tough-get serious exercise rotation.
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