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we come across so few people in our lives that truly understand us. someone who really gets you, who knows what irritates you, makes you smile, makes you angry, happy, sad, frustrated etc... and we are so grateful to have someone understand us so well but there are also times i think it's against you. so much'easier' to push your buttons

when everyone is giving you the same advice, they must be right? so why aren't you listening? how much longer do you wanna feel like you don't belong. open your eyes, look around you, there's so much more you deserve. you wait and wait and you plan your day around it.. all for?

he won't be able to consider your feelings so long as he has his to take care of. .fact. .accept it.

perhaps i am clouded by lack of sleep. i am blaberring because the day is dark and gloomy. my body is shutting down and i have a long long night ahead. moments like these are occuring more and more...

post-dreamland depression

i was walking on air, floating on a cloud, almost as if i had a break from life, from reality. i was allowed the 'many' hours of bliss. to believe in fantasy. what i had so many nights dreamt of came true.. i clung onto those moments for dear life but... all good things come to an end. you have to let go. reality catches on and no matter how much you try, it'll swallow you.. into its depths of loneliness.

such is the situation you have put yourself in...

Pressure

So tired. I'm so tired. Life is so different nowadays and I'm finding it so much harder to adapt. I have so little time and so much to do. So many things to juggle. Sometimes I wish you understood and allowed me the space and time to be me. To be there for me. I try so hard to take ur feelings into consideration but at times, when I'm all spent, I can't. Feel so pressured. Where to look to I'm not sure...

So tired. So frustrated. Give me something to lean on cause I'm running on reserve.

Now..

There's a cat staring at me and I'm staring back at her. How fierce those eyes are... Too tired to fight with it tonight so I let it stare. I wonder what goes through it's mind as she's staring.. What is this human life..

Chance

What you did meant nothing. It's obvious. But it doesn't mean you don't matter. I think she was trying to make me feel better but when the table was turned, she understood. It's way too hard to understand what it truly feels like till you are the one experiencing it. What she said is true. How can i fault it but everything has a reason. It's what happens when u constantly seek security. Until u realize u r seeking it at the wrong place. Don't look. It might come. If it doesn't..such is life. So tired. Don't wanna look anymore. No expectations. No disappointments.

Insensitivity

Soon.. i will be gone. won't have to deal with insensitive people anymore.

Do you really not know how much I like it? If you ask, I will always say yes but if you know, why would you bring it up to begin with? Why is it so hard to be a bitch? It's so much simpler when you are one. When you dont have to feel obligated or to be nice. To not feel bad if you've voiced your objection. To not have to try to fulfill people's wishes or put up with things that deeply affects you, frustrates you, irritates you. But you do, cause you can't seem to get the honest word out. You battle it in your head and you say what's nice and then you get all frustrated and angry that you are not being understood. Haha. How dysfunctional can you be. But its not like it wasn't made known what the issue was.. Maybe that's why it feels worse? Conflicted.

Memories associated with certain occasions. It haunts you when the date is near. Funny how a particular day can be so happy for some and so horrible for others. Roller coaster ride is what it is and tonight, no one's riding next to me.

happiness

Happiness is not a destination.. it's a journey.

that used to be the name of this blog. i really like that saying. i believe it. it's a journey.. a journey mixed up with many other emotions, anger, frustration, depression.

sometimes i really wonder what is depression. how is it that you can feel so much sadness when others don't quite see it? it's almost as if, another you has taken over and when you step out of yourself, even you don't get it. if you don't, no one else will. hence, don't question why doesn't anyone understand. just remind yourself that it'll pass, don't let it sink too deep and it will eventually go away.

when you put so much hope and excitement into something n it doesn't work out, you try your hardest to understand and you do. but it doesn't mean you feel good about it. your mind is battling the heart. n when you are in that state, the person closest to you suffers. you will erupt on the smallest of things and when you do, battles begin and it makes you feel even worse. a vicious cycle.

after you are all cried out, when you give yourself the time to think. you realize all you are really after is for someone to be there, to share your burden. you just wanna be with someone you are most comfortable with.. to let the emotions flow. not to go around in circles finding faults or answers. all you are trying to do is get pass that enormous hump infront of you today. not the physical side of things, but the emotions.

things don't always work out the way you plan. that's life. accept it. how true. but even the truest of words have to be spoken at a right time. you don't show up at a funeral and tell the family members of the deceased 'such is life. people die. accept it.' you at least allow them the moment to grief.

it is by feeling all that is within you that allow you to let go.

Another night

Not really in the mood for sally's spa tonight or Kafka.. Can't find the right thing to distract me tonight. Haven't been feeling much since I came back. Not going through the same motion as I always do either.. Just numb. I'm not sure if it's better this way or to let the emotions flow. To look around and feel annoyed, irritated, frustrated, betrayed. Then again, emotions can be such hindrance, esp for me. This insecurity isn't a good feel. I've moved so many times but never under such circumstances. Such is life. You live, you learn. Most people are not worth your kindness. Well.. It hasn't been all bad. I've managed to throw out things I've kept.. just because. It had such good memories attached to it. But history is history.

I'm looking forward...
'I'm constantly seeking for you. Our time. Our smiles. Our laughters. You truly fill my heart with so much love.'