Am I dreaming?

It still amazes me at how our feelings have grown. How in this 'short' period of time, so much has happened and you have become so much a part of my life. So much so, i can't imagine life without you. Your optimism has helped neutralize that piece of dark cloud. You bring so much joy, smiles and laughter to my days. Things change, circumstances change, people move on and we are left with only memories. I spend many hours worrying that one day, this will be nothing but a memory... The thought of it is incredibly scary. It makes me wanna grab hold of it so much tighter, to what i have now. To appreciate every hour, every minute, every second; to memorise every crease on your face as you smile; to deeply remember how special and appreciated you make me feel. I dare say i've not met someone as brave as you to commit to ur feelings. To voice out what u truly feel, purely because you feel. Some might see that as selfish, i see it as bravery. It is not everyday we find a person who is able to face their emotions and act out according to what their heart desires. There is no right or wrong in love. There is only love. Am i fantasizing or is there really such a person in my life?

Lil broken horn

'Oh what a devil you have been
The moment you show up, my world lights up
Your lil mischiefs always brings me close to the edge
The acts performed are unspeakable yet gratifying
You fill my mind with 'more more more'
It's like a drug, the more I have, the more I NEED
Will this addiction ever end?
Will I ever want it to end...'

How interesting...

Turning back

There have been moments where i've felt that i need to turn back. turn back time.. to a certain time and place and change the events that occured. i don't know if that would make 'today' feel any better but i'd like the chance to have a second go. to toy with the thought of being able to manipulate situations as and when i wish to.

i've been spending a lot of time rearranging the furnitures in my room, tidying it, giving it a new look. :) as always, u find things u've kept hidden away for ages and it takes u back in time... the emotions that are evoked as u flip thru photos or letters or lil gifts are quite interesting. it brings back memories that u've tried so hard to suppress or it might make u laugh.

recently, i've found myself in a situation where i don't quite understand what happened or what led it to happen but i'm forced to accept that it has. for example, it's just another day, u r going about ur usual business and out of the blue u get a phone call saying so-and-so (a loved one) was found dead in a car accident. suddenly, u r thrown into a whirlwind. the ground is crumbling, the sky is exploding... u rush to verify that its true and then u tell urself it can't be. u live in a state of denial for awhile but eventually reality catches on.. u accept what has happened and u start finding ways to understand why it happened. u question everything and anything. why is it that we obsessively need to understand grief? do we question happiness? we don't... or at least i don't.

is it 'easier' to grieve for a dead husband or an abusive partner? is it 'easier' to let go of someone who has left this world or someone who constantly hurts u? is it 'easier' to face the music or suppress all negative emotions?

too much negativity can turn even the happiest person into a sceptical one. i'm trying my best not to allow that dark cloud to overtake my life. happiness is within ur own grasp. i'm lucky enough to have the most wonderful people around me. :)

'change what can be changed, accept those that cannot and have the wisdom to know the difference.'


my thoughts are my own...

Addiction

what is it with addiction?

we often become addicted to something because it makes us feel good. unfortunately with most, it's only temporary. we feel so high for that few seconds that seems like eternity... we become addicted to it and that's all that surrounds our mind. we forget that eventually we'll have to hit the ground and face reality again. why do we do it?

there are some people not worth loving; some people we can't love, not suppose to love. when you meet someone in that category, the only thing to do is to walk away but yet we love. we hang on to the hope that one day things will change. the most embarrassing part of it all is, we know nothing will change yet we throw ourselves all over it despite knowing only the worst can happen.

I've recently read a book... about 3 girl friends from very different background, got placed in the same school because of different circumstances and grew up to be the best of friends. all 3 of them went through relationships where they loved a certain man they shouldn't have.

1. Dead sister's boyfriend. there was too much emotions in that relationship. she loved him deeply and it was never going to work. she walked away and found herself in the arms of a married man. his wife found out. he was never going to leave his wife. no married man will ever leave his wife for a girlfriend. she was left with no choice. she walked.

2. A criminal. Killing mean business man under the orders of a very powerful business man. Fell in love, surrendered to the police but she couldn't forgive him for the things he has done. she walked away.

3. A man who tried to bring down her father's business empire cause he was a corrupt business man. to choose between your father and your man. a father who was never really there cause he was too busy building his empire but provided you with a good life or a man with whom you shared your happiest times with... they left each other. but somewhere towards the end of the book they found each other again....

why does it have to be so difficult? it shouldn't have to be. if you love, you hold on and you work at it. if your heart desires, you'll know how to act...

Change

"one of the major reasons so many of us remain hurried, frightened, and competitive, and continue to live life as if it were one giant emergency, is our fear that if we were to become more peaceful and loving, we would suddenly stop achieving our goals. we would become lazy and apathetic.... fearful, frantic thinking takes an enormous amount of energy and drains the creativity and motivation from our lives. when you are fearful or frantic, you literally immobilize yourself from your greatest potential, not to mention enjoyment. any success that you do have is despite your fear, not because of it."

"Change the things that can be changed, accept those that cannot, and have the wisdom to know the difference."


my thoughts are my own...

Angel

I can't describe in words exactly how wonderful the feelings I've felt since...
The love, the care, the respect and appreciation shown to me has been absolutely amazing...
I lie awake at night wondering how is it that it has taken me this long to realize...
That you can make me fly so high in such a short period of time...
The reason you make me fly is because you take yourself so lightly...
Every moment, every emotions we've shared (going to share) will stay with me forever...
Thank you for being an angel...

'You'll meet more angels on a winding path than on a straight one' - our path couldn't have had more bends...

Conference?

Later this afternoon i'll be going to Yarra Valley for a 3 days conference. Surprisingly, my dear boss has suggested for me to present at this meeting. It's not a mega huge conference but it will be my first time presenting out of lab meeting (which consist of 10 ppl). nervous? i guess i am but my mind is not quite on it at this point in time. trying very hard to concentrate and keep at it but the emotion wavers. i wanna scream and shout and be angry for the being this way. this is my time to shine, to impress, to make a mark on ppl's mind and here i am being unstable. i know i will pull thru tomorrow, i just hope it's as wonderful as i'd hope.

i had some weird dreams last night. dreams i can definitely interpret which is quite a change. i was q-ing up to register for a conference and there in line ahead of me were my family. i was so shocked and so happy when crystal ran up to me and hugged me. the next scene was me lying on a bed with my phone in my hand thinking if i should send out a sms. i had it all written but i wasn't sure. maybe it wasn't time to send, maybe like everyone else said, he's not ready. why should i care? why should i care if he is ready or not after what he has put me through? but in my dream i didn't send anyway. life's unfair. u care even when you really don't want to.

2 weeks... i'll be going home in 2 weeks. i'm looking forward to seeing the family, esp my sister. i've been so excited about going to china for awhile now. seems like i haven't gone on a holiday in ages, besides going to malaysia. i mean seeing a new country. china meant something. it had a pull to it... and now.. it's just china.

i should get off my ass and pack my bag for this conference but god.. i really don't want to go. just wanna stay in bed.....

my thoughts are my own...

words...

i found myself watching fireworks tonight. by accident i drove upon it. i've always loved the sight of it, all that colour against a dark sky. it brightens the night and in some ways, lighten one's mood. i've always associated fireworks with new beginnings. the nicest fireworks around the world happens on new years day when the clock strikes 12. there's this feeling every year as i watch the fireworks, a sense of freshness flows through me and i'm filled with new energy and excitement for the new year. tonight's fireworks couldn't have happened at a better time. it symbolised a new beginning but the feelings i felt were different. the whole drive home from then was just thoughts of life, year in, year out, people that walk in and out of ur life. those that leaves a print but quickly it gets washed away or those that have stamped so deeply into ur heart it's impossible to ignore even if u tried ur hardest. often those are the ones that hurt you the deepest too....... why?


my thoughts are my own...

Chinese New Year 2009

This year's CNY's been very different to last year's. last year i was back in KL, my 5 weeks holiday... memories of the atmosphere, noise, people, food, gatherings, ang paus, gambling it's been circling around in my head since last week. the closer CNY got, the more i missed being in KL. i miss it but it's not like i hate being in Melbourne. it's a different sort of celebration. there were many CNY festivals around suburbs in Victoria; suburbs that were mostly Chinese/Vietnamese populated. to me, it wasn't great. it was people using that opportunity to advertise their brands.. eg banks putting up stalls in a CNY festival. what have banks got to do with the celebration? stupid. anyway, i went to 2 festivals, one at boxhill with nancy on saturday. here r some pics: 

the other one i went to was at springvale with joe & ip. that one was really shit. i don't know if it was because we got there late but it was bad. even the dragon dance that i was so looking fwd to was shit. so no picture from there to show. :p 

i had CNY reunion dinner at joe's place. dinner was delicious but i was mostly concentrating on watching the tennis cuz federrer looked like he was gonna lose! almost died of stress. every point he won i was so happy. ppl seem to think he shouldn't win cuz u wanna see someone else up there, but the way i see it, this open, only federrer will be able to put up a good fight against nadal. nadal's been amazing! ok this post isn't about tennis. so yes... dinner, it was a chinese dinner. different to what i normally have (no yu sang, not one my fav but it has become one of the 'must haves') but it was home cooked and yum yum hehe... 

To the main day... CHOR YAT! I woke up feeling pretty happy, like i always do when it's chor yat, showered, dressed up, made up and ran down the stairs screaming 'gong hei fatt choi' to nancy. i was thinking to myself i'm gonna have a sweeettt cup of coffee. mum always says first thing u eat on chor yat should be something sweet. to my surprise, i found nian kao! nancy fried some nian kao n it was yum yum! funny how certain traditions just stick when u've grown up with it. nancy fried some cuz her mum does that every year on the 1st day... n me, i do what i do every year. wear red! haha... after my sweet breakfast i went for lunch with LG people. CNY this year was perfectly timed (well for me) as it was australia day (public holiday) and a monday (LG closed for lunch). we went to a chinese restaurant and had some dim sum! 

Sian Hong with a cha siew pau

 

Posers

 

The girls & Ven (with a sugar coated peanut stick in her mouth)

Sisil, Ven, Kat, Me, May

The boys

Russell, Suki, Sian Hong, Paul

I wanted a picture with the CNY deco hehe 

Red Red

After lunch we went karaoke.. nothing much happened there except good singing. haha... after K, joe, ip, mark n myself went to chinatown for dinner and i was sooooo happy when i saw lion dance. well, we heard and walked towards it. and well.. i've been waiting for it. just so damn excited i tell u. but tried to control myself cuz not a kid anymore... and the best part was they had fire cracker! it used to be so popular in KL until it was banned. so yea, it brought back some childhood memories which was nice. anyway, here r the pics ;)

The lion dance capped off my day beautifully. for a moment during the day i felt like it just wasn't CNY... until the lion dance. =) 

p/s let's hope CNY is a better start to my year 

2009

someone asked me today if i've updated my blog... sometimes u just get lazy. =P 

3rd week of 2009, 1st day of australian open and here i am watching it like i always do. except last year, last year i missed most of the matches cuz i was working nights. what do i have to blog about? i guess i might as well admit just how disappointed and upset i've been over the week cause of what has happened with LG. i've written many posts on the joy and fun i have at LG. and for some unknown reason (to me) i've been forced to leave. no, the boss doesn't have the guts to admit that he no longer 'require my service', instead he told me 'i will call u when i need u' as if i am at his disposal. well, what can i say? he is the boss (as many many people have reminded me) and i am only a part-timer. no point getting so upset over the whole issue right? guess u dun know me well enough. i take things to heart. especially when i feel someone has used me and then so conveniently chucked it away. i can understand how he needs to protect his business, change the whole staff team if that is what he needs, but have a lil 'yan ching mei'. then again, i've always known how much of a dh he is. maybe unexpectedly i've convinced myself maybe he isn't so bad. but now, after all that has happened in the last 2 weeks, i can, very surely say just how bad a character he has. the friends i've made in LG will remain, and for that i will always be grateful that my path led me there. but in a lot of ways, i also know we can't be as close as when we work together. maybe that is what is bugging me. oh how i have thought of many scenarios of 'revenge', i am afterall a scorpio. but well.. 'what goes around comes around... when will it happen to me?'. how very true. so much so that i can only dream in my mind, even to speak it out may sound wrong. shrugs, such is life. do i want to get another part time job? i don't know. probably not. not for awhile... so what am i going to do with all this extra time? beats me. 

3rd week of 2009... has it been a good start? no. has it been nice and cheery? no. lab... oh my... lab. i dun even know where to find my motivation. everyday is a drag. sometimes just sitting there pisses me off. i know what i need to do but the motivation just isn't there. there is no inspiration, nothing. n every so often someone would say something really really stupid. seriously, just so numb with all the rubbish. 

oh wy ching, still so 'young n naive' thinking things should be done this way n that. politics. there will always be politics, no matter where, no matter when. it's how u play it.... isn't it?

well peeps, i'm sorry i don't have more cheerful stuff to update on. with the mood i am in... probably isn't right to write anything happy. but hey, dark clouds will pass... happy posts soon. 

what i feel like doing: sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep. relax sleep. sleep. sleep. relax. sleep. sleep.

my thoughts are my own...