A new year, a new beginning

2012 is finally here, a year where many believe it is a catastrophic one- The end of humanity.

2011 is pretty happening, in which , i've grew up.

since with every incidents, a lesson will be learned and  people grew wiser with it, 2011 sure is a obstacle- filled journey

in 2011, i got my o level result and was the result was surprising.
not surprisingly good for others but surprisingly good for me, since i did not study much.

it was the year where i got my very first job as a worker at a restaurant.

the experience was terrible as it was really tough for a first job.

but even if i do not think it is terrible, the workers there with me would think my company there was terrible since i almost burnt down the kitchen with my stupidity.

long story to that but worthy to hear.

2011 is also the year where my education was brought to a whole new level.
i embarked my poly journey and bid farewell to my secondary life.

however, i did not grieve or showing any signs reluctance to my leaving of secondary life.
to that, it is because my life then was terrible.
but that, i know that i brought this to myself, since i made the wrong decision of leaving, so i should not blame anyone.

on the bright side of 2011, i've made friends that are really worthy to make.
they are probably the best harvest i got in 2011.

my semester 1 in my poly was amazing.

our class have conflict, laughter and fun, and most importantly, i'm in this history.

i've grew so much in 2011 and for my new year resolution,
1) i hope i will have more friends so that i will not be lonely in festive holidays,
2) move towards my dream to be a singer or better still, achieve it
3) more happiness less tears
4) more socialize
5) improve in my studies
6) drive everyone tears away and replace with a smile

christmas

christmas is right around the corner.

just a few months back i was saying, ' what?! god, they sure are fast! christmas is still months away!'

and now, its a just couple of days away.

christmas is usually not something that i'll celebrate or in general, i do not celebrate holidays.

there are a couple of reason to this anti-holiday me, a nice way to say would be that i do not wish to.

but in actual fact, i do not have friends to do so.

but even if i do, they have their their dates, their programmes, their friends.

i won't be their priority.


i'm starting to hate holidays.

my young-self would not feel so hollow as i am now.

now as i grew older, the more exposure to media,  the more i'm getting bombed by the emphasis of the holiday.

it is just really annoying to how the people and the media gives a impression  to the public that holiday should be significant.

i know i sound  bitter and full of jealousy but a person in solitary writing blog should be gaining some sympathy, so excuse me.


  new years eve is also right around the corner, probably the most significant holiday ever.

so as it drew nearer, my legs starts to shake, not in excitement but in fear.

seemingly my fortitude is going to crumble down.

i want to make it special....

the past 16 years was pathetic.

i have no one to celebrate since i got hated for stupid reason about how i behave and all.

for all the insults i heard and having to say that i do not care, yes i do.

even despite punching myself to stop absorbing those negative message, i failed.

they hated me, or maybe i should say dislike, so as to make you feel better and to spark off less controversy of, ' oh no i do not hate you' or ' oh i never say i do not like you '

oh just shut up.

listen to all the crap you're saying,  stuffing your own crap into your mouth will taste the same.

last year, i said i'll become more socialize since social phobia came to me then.

And yes i did, i became more socialized.

but this wish to become more socialized is to hope that i be accompanied during the holidays

so as it seems, being socialized isn't enough to make people stay.

a scent drifted from far decend onto me. a calming, soothing sense of drug to the nose which thrown what's encumbered within men.

the curiosity in me grew stronger and stronger as i consumed that faint smell from far.

i let go of my baggage and every inch of my muscles began to work as i raced towards the mystical wonderland ahead.

the world i was living in, finally turned brighter, as more and more bright unknown particles started to sip into the darkness.

when i could finally set my eyes on the gate that leads to the home of that scent, i realized i was surrounded by a warm kind atmpsphere, tantamount to a passionate hug in a lonely cold storm.

the birds, the sun, the grass and the wind i saw, it was nothing like i had experienced outside that premise

as the vision of the gate grew clearer, i started to become more emotional by each second.

emotional because of the years of solitary and the yearning for company.

finally, i reached the gate and my tears were already flowing out like a
avalanche.


the gate swing opened with my force.

i bent down with my hands on my knee , panting, and my eyes , set on the green soft grass patch.

the happiness within erupted like a fury volcano and i rejoiced, '' i am finally not alone...''

i straighten my back so as to satisfy the desire of my eyes, lusting to witness the beautiful land in whole


but the arc on my face gradually decend , reaching a downward curve and ended with a wide opening, showing part of my teeth.

if tears has a different color to represent different emotion. my tears just went from a bright colored spectrum to a dull depressing blue again.


the world that i thought it was my all, turned out to be a big phony that hurts me so excruciatingly.

that world was called love.

i need my savior

when one uses If to illustrate self, regret often lies within the content.

a cruel word indeed.

brutally portray the regretful side of time, unalterable, irreversible and mercilessly fast.

my heart hurts when such word came into my mind when i'm in cogitation.

the pain in my heart reminded me the countless regretful things i did.

sometimes the things like , IF i haven been enroll into pioneer secondary what will happen?

IF i hadn't left my group of friends in secondary what will happen?

lots of IF shrouding my mind, making all these thoughts so dreamy and painful.

i'm just tired

how sickening is this when everything you do just go against you?

its just like your grade got jeopardize even though you did nothing, oh wait, it did happened to me before, talk about irony! -.-

whenever other people told me something bad had happened to them, '' ouch '' will be the first thing sprout from my mouth, like as if a fall and a bruise surfaced

As for my case, it will be a dagger brutally stabbed on all part of my torso.

translation to that metaphor would meant the things i've encountered would be far severe than them.

firstly, my singing CCA in my poly screwed up and once again, i've failed.

About the details, i don't wish to raise anymore.

well, simple enough, the reason being is because i'm really torn apart to talk about this again.

my fortitude, made up of my confidence and everything positive inside my brain was smashed into smithereens, leaving only a small spot support the massive figure.

is just like a polar bear trapped on a pathetic small ice cube and yet do not know how to swim, a rare polar bear indeed.

but what i'm trying to say is that, what is left in me is really weak. it can crumble down even with a slight touch from the wind. i can almost see the shaking tower and the foundation crying.

besides all the crazy happenings, another thing that got me crying was the thing about ''equality''

they said equality is everywhere, but is it really so?

they said comparison leads to conflict but do they stop doing that?

well, my answer will be no.

having to think about all the poly around, SP, NP, RP, TP , NYP.

there is a clear line of comparison....

but why would they want to compare and try to give a bad name to another?

seriously, regardless what anyone do, i seriously wish that they could think about others first.

we are bleeding but we kept quiet. but does it gave a full right to continue this comparison?

say your damn answer in the face of fairness.

there are too much difference in this world.....

equality will never happen...

to be frank, there was lots of tears these week, but i swallowed all the agony alone.

how long can this continue?

i can feel the string that is keeping my sanity is going to snap anytime.

my guardian, my love, my saint, where are you. i need your blessings to get me out of this slum.

right now or rather, after i've collected my result, i've been really lost.
looking at my result it derives, the incompetency of myself and self-disappointment
however, i do not seems to regret to the things i did for the preparation of my O level that rendered my result. maybe it because i've given off my best? or maybe i've long given up on my studies.

As usual, i did not achieve wad i want- to enter a JC. That moment when i looked at the points i had, i was dumbfounded and was in utter despair. And those emotion den pulls the trigger of my tears, making it falls uncontrollably.

not going to JC and unable to achieve what i wanted again , was the initial thought i had. however, what comes after that was more fear and more tears jerking days for me.

the selection of my poly course was tough. firstly, there are ain't any course i'm interested secondly, even if there is, the COP of that course made it impossible for me to enter. therefore, it was really a dilemma during the selection.

the fear also comes from the selection of my course too. the fear of my bleak future, the fear of being looked down by others and the fear of being lost again sprang out and occupied every corner of my mind.

all i wanted for my life was to be a successful singer and perform for the rest of my life. but this dream seems so small yet too ambitious for me to achieve. i do not know how to pursue my dream. i've made and uploaded videos on youtube and comments from those youtuber were pretty two-sided. This then made me realised that my voice ain't special enough to make me standout from the countless number of people who wanted to be a singer as well. with this, my dream to be a successful singer became even more far-fetched.

despite so, i still want to be a singer but i'm already at the tenterhook to giving up though.

well, to say what i'm feeling now, i'm probably in consternation.....