failed. jyp audition

the answer is right at the tittle and yes, i've failed, again.

i genuinely hate failure, specifically on myself.

i know its apparent but i have to say that failure really brings you down. seemingly, even for a tough person it is inevitable to feel that way either. of course, i'm not saying base on my experience because i'm a weak person.

i knew that i am a person whose confidence and self esteem will crumble and turn into smithereens with just a impact from a slight wind. indeed, i'm just that weak and desperately require recognition from others.

i haven changed much since i started this blog and its really saddening and sickening to see myself this way. i just could not help it but to feel, depressed, demoralized and hurt after facing failure.

i need time to recover and during that time, i felt totally disgusted with singing and with my voice, so much so that i stop singing until now, which is why i had start to write about it.
seriously, all these thing of require-time-to-heal stuff are really juvenile, at least for my age.

but whatever, back to the main thing- details on that day.

terrible way to start a brand new day- overslept. especially for such important day, it is really dreading even by the thought of it. all because of this, it rendered me having a bad hair day that i barely dare to look at myself in the mirror . besides my hair , my bloodshot eyes and my continuously yawning action, everything was fine. although it sounds terrible but i wasn't late for my audition at the very least.

i will always imagine things and i had imagined the scene that i will see during my audition day but apparently, all the things i've imagine does not live up my expectation. the human traffic there was utterly shocking or maybe its because of the low budget venue that had that made it seems so * its at the community centre btw -.-

theres was two lines of queue to the registration counter, one is for those who had registered online and one is for the walk-in audition in other words, the last minutes. fortunately, i've registered online and that made me save a lot of time as we had the priorities.

*note, registration counter is where they provide you with the number tag and registrating online is just.....i dunno for wad either.

after the queue for the registration counter, i was placed in a zigzag human line at the door step of the hall. btw, it had taken an hour just for the registration counter. i tried my best to turn my vision away from the people in the hall but i just could not help it as it was SOOOOO packed with human! just imagine a 5 person lift filled with 5 fatty inside, or maybe not as exaggerating but it just meant that they used the space in the hall very ''sufficiently''. though they had used it very so but it was still not enough to filled that much of people inside the pathetic small budget hall.

everyone outside the hall was sweating and i could barely smell the sweat from the person beside me. some people who wore makeup also became a disaster for them because of the sweat and its definitely a joy for me. seriously, some people are really hilarious, the way they dress themselves is really OMG, in a bad way. there was one person wearing the socking with the leopard printings on it. the printing was supposed to be sexy when it is small but when it was enlarged by the person who wear it, well..... presentation failed.

theres a lot of people there who looks terrible and made me laugh so badly. i know i'm being pretty mean here but imagine waiting for your turn for 5 hours without doing anything, of course you'll find something to entertain yourself mah and this was just my way of it.



after 5 hours that seems forever, my heart started to turned active and raced. with my new found friend , both of us were really trembling and we supported each other before the moment to audition. just to say, my that new found friend was really funny! he was just 15 and because he was also a youtuber we started off with it. i think he is a arab and i could not really comprehend accent that well so what ever he said or ask me, i'll either laugh or say, ''ya, ya'' when i dun understand. just hope that he din say things like '' you looked disgusting today'' and my reply....

btw he sang justin bieber song -.-

anyway, when i step into the actual audition hall, the atmosphere was terribly intense and gravity seems to be pressing down on me. i soon realized the judges were the one who contributed to the atmosphere. with their piercing eyes and cold attitude towards the contestant, it made me shuddered even more.

finally, it my turn to SHINE! i started from first verse of my song- journey by corrinne may.
den carried on with the second one and i was interrupted by a cold merciless voice, ' thank you, you can stop''
my throat was as if being sliced across by that pair of voice and to be rendered, suffocated and despair to the ending world for me.

i stood back to the line and was utterly furious by the amount of time that had given us. they said it was a minute but no matter how they convinced us or i try to convince myself, it will still be too ludicrous to believe so. i could not even show off what i have. FUCK OFF!

after the audition, i knew i could not make it with just my two verse in that room.
but nothing can be done, i felt cheated that moment. my 5 hours was scam!

DAMN.....but whatever, i'm over it anyway.....

i have become so slack now. i know this is the time for me to do so but this feeling of wasting time mindlessly really dreads me. i do have plans after my O, which is to work towards my dream. but apparently, this flame of passion is no longer burning fiercely.

i can describe myself during these days as the dandelion drifting through the clouds, following the wind mindlessly and finally settled in some place, back to reality.

And I had settled down, back to reality and back to the journey of my dream.

just as i had pondered previously, the saddest thing in life was to work in places you do not like or in other words not to be in your dream industry. this thought came back again and that was also the savior that brought me back to reality.

i could not just wait for opportunity to come knocking on my door step. for that, is for people who think that they are lucky in nature and opportunity will come in no time. but for me, i'm well aware that i'm not. hence, rather than depending on it, i have to work for it instead....

now the question is, HOW ON EARTH SHOULD I DO IT?!

i have only one plan and that is to make a vid on my fav YOUTUBE

but ONE only?! haizz.....


hmmmm any ideas? any help? any advice to help me work towards my dream?
where is my advisor/gui ren of my life?

The end and The beginning.

that is the end of my story in secondary school.
closing the book, together with the laughter, tears, happiness and desolation.
those will be buried as memories and burn as clip that may be replayed at some point of the life.

for me, the clip is playing in repetition in my mind as i write this post.
thank you everyone who had participated in my secondary school life. even if those who made my life miserable, it is still a interesting experience as i looked back. besides, a food will be blend without the four different taste accompany with it, it is the same as life.

frequently in the past, i would lament and say, '' gosh! the past is the best! i miss my primary school life'' but on the other hand, can you be absolutely sure that you will not say, '' gosh! the past is the best! i miss my secondary school life!''

the past is always the best! that is what many will say.....but every second that is sweeping by now is considered as a ''past'' so why not make every moment meaningful.....

of course, there are many regrets, just like a character in a story that you yearned to know what will happen next and yet the book just ended this way.

the familiar pioneer road, gek poh and all the other spots that had tagged my along my secondary school life, i guess i will not be going there anymore...


indeed bidding farewell is always painful but guess this is life....

and to the girl whom i had a crush on, good bye and be happy!


my speechless at this point now, all i can say is...... '' goodbye everyone''

my video

dun regret what u had decided.

once a decision is made, it cannot be revert back, especially major decisions.

i was stupid. i was dumb. i was childish.

all these points above made me make every decision solely on my emotions.
those were the times when i was in sec 2 or 3, naive and sickening.
right now, i dare not say how mature i am but i can be little confident to say that i will not make any decision solely base on my emotions in future.

as what i had said, every decision can affect you in every way. it can be a bad one or a good one and it is only depend on how you cogitated before u make that decision. apparently, i had made a wrong one.....

that wrong turn had thrown me into a world where endless envious , jealousy , devastation and the yearning of love to be haunting me everyday. i was wrong about my decision and i can no longer revert back no matter how much i desire.

about my decision, i cannot share it with you all but the main thing is not to make the wrong the decision.

i hate the feeling of regret. especially during late at night, when I am lying on my bed and shrouded by darkness. during that moment, this feeling suddenly have the ability to dig out my deepest fear and i was rendered to be terrified. i sat up and covered myself with my blanket and i started to shudder. memories/flashback started playing like a movie in my mind and i as if feel myself setting into that moment like going back to the past. i was back to that crux moment of making my decision and if i were to able to alter history, especially during that moment, i think that my life now will be a 360 change, a good one to be precise.

i detest how our brain works. it is said that the most memorable things that can leave a mark on your brain is memories of devastation and agony. btw this information was adapted from the recent comprehension. actually, this sentence about only devastation and agony is able to linger on, actually also means that '' happiness does not linger in our mind long'' and it is a shame....

indeed, my mind is now overwhelmed with all these stuff and all the happy memories seems to have evaporated from my mind. happiness is such a fleeting and unrealistic emotion....

dun regret....

i'm confused , i'm stuck , i'm being indecisive!!!

i'm confused , i'm stuck , i'm being indecisive!!!

what do i want for MY LIFE?

i know i'd like to be a performer, best to be a singer. a singer's overall appearance is extremely crucial but this is the thing i'm lack off!! i cannot dance, i cannot sing well, i don't have the look and i cannot even play a instrument. i want to be a successful singer but these seems to be the basic requirement to success. i want to learn them but time is not on my side anymore. the only thing i have now is only youth so i must be quick and make my decision or else it will be harder for me to succeed next time. besides, to start out early have its benefits as well. if i realized i cannot adapt to the music industry, i still can quit at a young age and start something else.

but right now, i do not know what to do..... i want to be singer and this is the only thing i want to do but with all these things that i'm lacking off, i'm worried that i could not make it big.....and plus i have to consider my SP...... that thing that had been tormenting me, mentally and physically.

i jolly well know that, if i dun get rid of it i will never do anything regarding socializing , nonetheless to talk about being a singer.....

i so lost now....

to be living in a total slum in my future is the last thing i ever wanted in my life plausibly not even in my thoughts. maybe not slum, maybe i should say a life that i need to do things that i HATE and need to bother about money and all the other trivial matters.

i'm scared.....

people usually said time flies and whenever this sentence creep into my ears, the fear in me triggers. i would fear that in future, i might not succeed and live a total miserable life. whereas my friend will all be successful and i have to gaze them from above and need to rack my brains to come out with lies to disguise the alternate life i have.

I DON'T WANT!!!!!!!!!

i have to work now....but......how??!!!

i'm confused , i'm stuck , i'm being indecisive!!!

i'm confused , i'm stuck , i'm being indecisive!!!

what do i want for MY LIFE?

i know i'd like to be a performer, best to be a singer. a singer's overall appearance is extremely crucial but this is the thing i'm lack off!! i cannot dance, i cannot sing well, i don't have the look and i cannot even play a instrument. i want to be a successful singer but these seems to be the basic requirement to success. i want to learn them but time is not on my side anymore. the only thing i have now is only youth so i must be quick and make my decision or else it will be harder for me to succeed next time. besides, to start out early have its benefits as well. if i realized i cannot adapt to the music industry, i still can quit at a young age and start something else.

but right now, i do not know what to do..... i want to be singer and this is the only thing i want to do but with all these things that i'm lacking off, i'm worried that i could not make it big.....and plus i have to consider my SP...... that thing kept tormenting me, mentally and physically and i jolly well know that, if one day i dun get a treatment to it i will never do anything regarding socializing , nonetheless to talk about being a singer.....

i so lost now....

to be living in a total slum in my future is the last thing i ever wanted in my life. maybe not slum, maybe i should say a life that i need to do things that i HATE and need to bother about money and all the other trivial matters. i'm scared.....

people usually said time flies and whenever this sentence creep into my ears, the fear in me triggers. i would fear that in future, i might not succeed and live a total miserable life. whereas my friend will all be successful and i have to gaze them from above and need to rack my brains to come out with lies to disguise the alternate life i have.

I DON'T WANT!!!!!!!!!

i have to work now....but......how??!!!

long time no posttttt =)) *things about choir too =))

yo readers!!! is been so long since i post. well, about the reasons to that i need not explain at all, just ask the graduating classes in my school.....
but before you ask them, brace yourself for a-full-of-ranting conversation that is about the ridiculous time spent in school, the stress we are harboring and how fucking fatigue we are.

haha i guess i'm being too full of myself to be representing myself for the graduating classes. but this is exactly how i felt though. despite all these .....well i'll say hardship , that we are going through there are people who still can look on the bright side to this situation. As for the majority, no matter how we deplore , it seems that nothing will change even it becomes a controversial matter. fortunately, there was someone or rather a group who was willing to take the initiative to confront the VP.....
on the selfish and lazy side of me, i definitely wish this ''mission'' will work out well. but on the contrary, i think that this is actually mission impossible, just judge on the fucking school's persistant attitude, i doubt nothing will be accomplished if it is on the students ways.

besides study, there are definitely other things i wanna share.... it is about my beloved pet, fangkong. those who don't know, my pet had been send away by my parent to farmart, also the place where my relative works. its been 3weeks and i haven seen him yet....
genuinely, i really miss him.... haizzz....i wonder how is he.....

*change topic

Everyone seems to have a goal in their mind, a place where they belong and a place that they want to be at in future, in other words, the job that they want for themselves. for me, i'm still unable to decide if my passion(singing) is to be just a hobby or a job that will provide a life that i wanted
. true enough and undeceivable, I LOVE singing and will not mind to be singing and performing for the rest of life. but then again, there are soo many people in this world, so many people wanted to be a singer so what makes me stand out from the others? unique is probably the key to succeed but i'm just a typical teenager, plausibly having the most common voice ever and that also includes the appearance of myself.....

after considering all these things, i got stuck on the journey to my dream.

*choir

today, the passion in me rekindle and i was plunge into a mixture of emotions.
this afternoon, my choir was having their rehearsal for the upcoming ndp performance. the first emotion that hit me was a feeling of nostalgia. short clips from the most deserted part of my brain was dug out and played. the fun scene i had in choir flashed across and i realized the choir that i always complained for taking up so much time in the past, now meant a lot to me that moment.
since sec 1 i've been in choir and 3 years had already past. things changed during that three years, relationships may turn sour and friends may grew stranger but my feeling towards singing and choir hasn't change.....

during that 3 years, with the accompany of the other member in choir or rather VOICES , we had participated in many performance and made mutiple memories that are valuable experience to me. just last year during ndp , i stand before thousands of people and showed off my voice. that moment was fantastic haha just look at my older post on NDP haha how nostagic....

in the late afternoon, another rehearsal began again. fortunately, right after my math remedial , choir was up next and i'm just on the nick of time to enjoy their performance. during that performance, a feeling of yearning and a little begrudge was the next emotion that hit me

but even despite that i cannot join in anymore, i still wish my choir all the best for their ndp performance

oh , one more thing, that little guy in choir will NEVER replace me =)

*i'm irreplaceable =P

CHOIR FEVER!!!! -.-

CHECK OUT THIS VID!!! MY VERY OWN CHOIR SANG THIS!!!! SADLY , I'M NOT IN , SO IT MAY NOT SOUND NICE... *CHEY....

life

life. what is life??



this question kept circulating around my mind lately.

As i grew older and at every passing moment, i realized i am a step closer to the society , a step closer to the adult world where everything is gonna done in the ADULT way.



this means that responsibilty will be something that i must take up sooner or later. no more childish mindsets , no more using of amateur methods and no more making foolish decisions. i know i am not ready at all but i cannot stop time, therefore i must adapt myself to that even if i struggle to do so.



still , i am searching the true meaning of life. i imagined the life i will have when i grew up in future and i found out that being a adult will be the same as now , as in, being a adult will be thrown into a endless cycle again and we have to work hard non-stop to achieve something. foolishly , i thought that after Os we do not need to work hard anymore but apparently , i am wrong, there is even more ahead. it is really sickening when all i see from life was just working hard and working even harder, is like , what the point? i'm not happy to this at all but doing this is the only way to get me the pot of gold .



i hate this...

i hate the endless cycle of working hard

i hate to be shrouded by thick haze

i hate spinning round on the same spot.



working hard and working hard and working hard.....i'm fucking sick....

from life , i could not see any exit to working hard. instead, what i see was a even tougher situation that i'll be in than now.

base on what i had seen , is it just the surface of life? or is it the reailty of life?

either way, it had rendered me to stop thinkin about the future. maybe because i'm trying to escape maybe because of of fear.But regardless what is the reasons , all i have to do is to deceive myself into believing that Os is the mark of working hard and act as a drive to strive hard for my Os...

haha cool pic.

press the pic to enlarge =))

appearance

there are many people on this only planet.

some are gifted with things like , intelligence , appearance etc
some are meant to do something in their life

but what about me?
am i the exception

i neither have the look nor intelligence. intelligence is the inner side of you and appearance is the outer side of you, *like duh . having a good package is relatively importantly because , as what they said , '' you ought to give a good impression first before they grew interest and find out more about you''

judging this way is inevitable. i suppose this is human nature.....
this is also why the society are put into a pyramid.

good looking ones , have the world around them. no worries about bad remarks , no dreads to social functions and happily awaiting each and everyday.

their well-packaged shell and together with their best make up- smile, as if have the power to destroy those superficial bad remarks which had the ability to blemishes others confident.

As for people like us , we have to fear about all these things.

we need careful consideration before executing anything and finally when we are taking a step , you realized that it does not take you far at all. for instance , dream.

is hard to let go and forget about the appearance matter because other people will kept reminding you about it using terrible remarks. i do not have a strong will that will keep me standing forever hence , i fear to approach my dream now, but on the contrary, i also fear that i could not fulfill my dream. being in such complication , i am unable to weight the importance of it anymore.
pursue my dream or not?

i've written a few Chinese essays in school and i thought of converting it to english. so please ''stay tune'' to my blog for those essay =)

my b'day...

i never thought my birthday would be so.....significant....

when i log on to my facebook , i saw 14 notification there and it was my friends , wishing me....thanks....

not being exaggerating but everything seems so surreal. it like a dream, a wonderful one.
everything is so wonderful since the time i woke up even until now typing this post. everything goes smoothly...too smoothly that i could hardly believe...

the sky was in its best shape and the sun was shining brightly as if it is touching my face with its gentle warm ray....

i had never thought me birthday would be so significant to anyone. i thought 29 of may was just a simple plain day , well at least to me. however after today , having so many friend's blessings and wishes , i can be a little somewhat conceited to say my birthday IS significant....

i always have a million things to type about and surprisingly , i'm unable to deliver the gratitude i have in me about today. hmm what does it shows? my overwhelming gratitude cannot be put into words ?

one weird scene kept scanning past my brain. it is a scene where i am had just settled onto this world , lying in a incubator. in my puny shell , i lifted my head a little and saw all my friends in towering figure. i was being showered by their love , they touched my head and were in jubilation about my existence.

why this scene? what does it shows? haha...bizarre huh...

what more can i say? having so many people blessings and wishes... it is extravagant enough...i will be too much if i asked for more....

thank you everyone....

complex....

geezz.....i've been surfing on the net searching for my primary school friends.
i want to know how they are doing these days ,
i want to know if they are as happy as me ,
i want to know if they are as pathetic as me ,
i want to know if they are excelling academically,
i want to know about them....

however.....why on earth would i want to find out all these?.....i'm mocking myself....

i look at their photos and found that each and every one of their album are being filled with indescribable happiness and faces blemished by bright smiles..... they are having so much fun in school.....outings organized in school....pure innocent friends that is by their side...can simply rest their mind , no need to be on guard practically for 24h.....

i'm tired mentally as being tormented by all those emotions issue yet on the contrary , they are tired physically because their life is wonderful and ain't boring at all.

having to compare their life to mine , i felt like a smallest grain of sand being thrown or ditched into a large pool of infinite sand , unnoticeable , neglected and useless....

my life is boring.....i hate my life.... is a agony to open my eyes and allowing the sun rise to greet my damn eyes....

i believed the worst choice i made was to enroll in this fucking school and spent my precious 4 years of my life in it....they do not think is a honour or whatsoever that people enter to that school .once enter that school , they treat u like dirt .life was never happy .people in this school is sickening , annoying and i seriously feel extremely degrading with them...

THAT FUCKING SCHOOL TOOK AWAY MY HAPPINESS!!.....so long , my precious 4 years....

i felt like a complete retarded , now that i had seen my friends progress.....
academically? far from them i believe...relationship? just by looking at their friend list in their facebook and compare to mine....

my worst and most disgraceful thing was the number of friends i have...not even including true friends..... i'm sick and tired...

seriously , if i were to enroll in a good school, even to be in normal stream , it would absolutely be worth it.
perhaps , friends there are much down-to-earth? perhaps , i will be happier? perhaps, my blog will not even existed....

i envy those people who are somewhat born to have such interesting life and being shrouded by unlimited love

life will be good if there are no greed
life will be good if there are no jealousy
life will be good if there are no sexual attractions
life will be good if there are no stress
life will be good if there are no exams
life will be good if there are no comparisons
life will be good if there are no challenges
life will be good if there are are conflicts
life will be good if there are no bias
life will be good if there are no limitations
life will be good if there are no complacency
life will be good if there are no time limit....

happy b'day youtube

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOUTUBE!!!!!!!!
*MUAHXXX MUAHHXXXXX

i believe youtube is the best best best best creation of website on net!!!
maybe not for all of you , however , to me, youtube had made a impact on my life.
For superficial people they might think that youtube is only a pioneer in video sharing websites where you can dig out entertainment and carve a upward arc on your faces.

however for me , it literally opened my eyes wide as i watched those people from all over the world.

crazy people , hilarious people , people who want to bring entertainment to others , people who wanted to pursue their dreams etc , all of these voices to , people who wanna to be heard.

those kind of people embarked their journey of their dream on the special platform- youtube
some managed to jump out from box and made a fortune or achieved extreme fame where everyone know who you are , well at least on youtube.

no mattter what is the case , their main motive is to be heard and simply just to have fun!!

for the upcoming decision i'm making- a youtube vid .i'm actually overwhelmed by a combination of emotion . fear . excitement . fear is probably because i might not be adore by anyone on youtube and excitement is because i'm going to be a part of youtube ,on the video sections. no longer being a audience and finally creating a platform for myself was really exciting and dumbfounded.
i'm just like a new born child , slowly and cautiously crawling into the forbidden world where it is absolutely unknown what awaits me

As i slowly unlock the secret bit by bit , i hope i have audience with me and witness this extraordinary journey i'm gonna embarked =)

how i feel....

i could really feel the stress being compressed on me. it is literally bringing me down on my knees. i am bound by olevel and no matter how i try to struggle, i am unable to break free of it. the pressure of O is haunting me everyday , every night and every passing second.all thanks to the fucking O , i am now in a state of derangement and i can feel myself getting mad gradually. when frustrations , anger , irritations , stress , depressions and humiliation is being smacked right onto your face, how on earth should you react to it? well , i just swallowed them. however it gave me aftermath , those thought will gave me flashbacks , reminding and emphasizing on my incompetent and all sort of bad remarks. i am not a determined nor a mentally strong person to start with , hence with such weak fortitude, i am now on the edge. all i could say is that all these are absolutely madness, unable to break free and unable to escape. i am as if stuck in a spiral staircase , endlessly and no chance of escape at all. i'm really getting mad.....even the slightest enjoyment i am having gave me guilt ,which said in repetition '' you are definitely going to doom for your O''. it shudders me and the pressure in me is gradually destroying and wiping all my last bit of humanity. i wonder what is next after i am mentally tortured , going insane? having not to do anything about my studies had further proven the incompetent and all the bad remarks that everyone has been saying. i am really scared to look into the future , will i do well? will i not do well? or i have no future at all - dead. death is really the end of everything, it is the biggest full stop that will not be continued regardless the story is completed or not.


i am going to snap anytime....

indeed, time flies. i could now set my vision on the biggest obstacle of my life - olevel.
i imagined the outcome after i received my result, i was left utterly horrendous after thinking about it. road to ITE , road to a blemished and bleak future , i fear.

despite all the shit i confessed but seems like it isn't changing into a practical action. it sucks.

realizing i am considerably a sadistic or malice person . in case you , readers , didn't know i'm a pretty ''enclosed'' person , this is also why i chose to take this agonizing decision and drift away from socializing. anyway , being a somewhat ''emo'' person and created this boundary which separated me from the crowd had surprisingly made me feel rather irritated whenever their face is carved with a upward arc. i hope it is jealously and not hatred that is being triggered in me.

whatever the reason is , i should not have such negative feelings in me*right? i supposed a typical person would just wish them happy and carried on with his/her own business . however , it seems hard for me to move on.

a bizarre feeling had been implant in my heart nowadays. in school , whenever i looked at her i feel hmmm a indescribable feeling , plausibly combination of happiness and jealousy however it does not irks me, instead it made my heart go *''woohoo , yeah!!!'' in a party mood. haha weird huh zzzz....

anyway , i supposed that u readers know that i wanna work in a music industry-singer right? hence , i been wondering about posting a video of me , singing and upload in youtube. this matter had been revolving around my mind lately and i had only told vangie about it. she is supportive and encouraged me to execute this idea. zzz however , i'm a person who needs alot of recognition from other people before i do anything .To find this recognitions , i got to ask many people about this and hopefully all of them were positive with this idea and THEN i can take this step. please tell me your comment here in my chatbox *my chatbox so dead de >.< , and tell me if i should really do this =) thanks for reading =))

a crazy essay by ME!!!

i love the sky, because it is like baby blue being splashed onto the never ending sheet, decorated by a plain white puffy mustache. although is plain , but to a person that had went through the chaotic world and barely alive , this was really adequate for my numbered days.

i raised my arms , shoved it up the sky and stretched my hands wide.Ironically , i imagined myself catching the serenity in the sky .closing my eyes, I pictured the heavenly platform deep inside those white puffy clouds which is covered with a striking gold and i stood on top of it , looking down.There, i saw my beloved ones-my mother, my father and my friends.However gradually , their images were wiped out from my sight. Feeling stunned and shuddered, i opened my eyes and realized i was still living in this world of cruelty where my beloved ones had left me forever.

despite living for 20years i had no acheivements nor anything to show off. all my beloved ones were killed by a cold-blooded murderer. i can still remember the already-lost-sanity expression of his , glaring, piercing through me and triggered the deepest fear in me. he killed them in front of me , however whenever i recalled back , i would have a sense of nostalgia and the hatred in me towards the murderer would be evaporated. it will then changed into a sentence that hit into my mind in repetition saying ''they deserve it ''

i can still feel the breaking of their rib cage as the knife stabbed through them. The collision and sound made between the bones and the knife triggers the excitement in me which gave me a indescribable pleasure. their excruciating pain that gave out the beyond humanity screech gave me even more satisfaction. And how would i know those feelings? oh ya i remembered why.

they said that i am insane and they threw me into a dark enclosed place , just like a cavern. till now i am still dumbfounded about the mistakes i did and having to deserve all these punishment. i am only trying to search for satisfaction , what have i done wrong? haha maybe i AM really mad , where is the blue sky i claimed ?


FINALLY A SHORT ESSAY!!! HAHA COMMENT AND RATE =))

haha cool picture hahaha

PART of my collection !!!!! dora-e-mo-nnnnn!!!ang ang ang!!!

peace negotiation? haha... yeah indeed.

Is been long since i post and little did i know that this post would be writing about them. waste of my effort and lowering MY level indeed . In this post , i know it would bring even more unhappiness and probably misfortune for me and my gang.However, in my view, they seems to be treating the term ''helping my friend'' or ''loyalty to friends'' as something extremely crucial, probably something more important than their studies.
with this mindsets , they tend to take actions , well , stupid action in my view and, to be childish , i shall write this post then.
therefore , if u dun wish your day to be ruined by my post or feeling resented , do not see this because i would not entertain you and waste my time again negotiating with people like ....well, fill in the blank yourself.

The matter that was once burning hot seems to be ended by the blaring sound made by the slamming door and having vulgar filling up the classroom.

thinking back , i find that this matter was practically amusing. In fact , even before the ''negotiation'' i've already treated this matter as something lame and something that was a waste of time, apparently , giving me the image that they 吃饱没事干. seriously , after that matter i wonder and literally hitting my head , blaming for my stupidity to entertain them.

when the negotiation started , they claimed that their wanted to have a peace negotiation and having said that , after a few seconds , i thought i heard a long strings of vulgar shooting out from nowhere. i swallowed it and the negotiation started. gradually, i could felt their anger and how they irate by each passing seconds and that was when i realized that peace negotiation was actually piss negotiation hmmm guess was our fault for not sorting out clearly is it piss? or peace?

in my mind , i pictured that the negotiation was supposed to be between situ and ass-p. in the end , we were outnumbered by the KPO negotiation of jiawei and jinkai. i dun care if you are part of the whole incident or the root of this matter but i strongly believed that such matter should be discuss between US and not outsiders like u. having said that , evidently we were left speechless , not because they were right but what i feel was because their bombarding of questions and having sheralin being sandwiched by two matters 2gether which rendered her dumbfounded and in the end , speechless. i trust sheralin and hopefully every thing she said was the truth and no more secret was hidden.

this negotiation was not fair and to be frank , this post isn't fair to you guys either. basically everyone had a stand in them, a firm and stubborn one. example for kah shin , before the negotiation , she already have a extremely bad image about sheralin therefore, in her heart , sheralin was already sculptured as something despicable and flirtatious. hence , no matter what sheralin had said , even it is right it would never washed away the bad image of her and of course kah shin , with her stubborn personality , she will deplored and fight back using the bad image of sheralin in her heart.

one more thing that irk me and really maddens me was the carefree attitude and not-my-fault character in samuel. seriously , when talking about two SS matter (sam and shera) the face of samuel , so carefree and acting dumb really gets onto my nerve. a clap would not sound if two hands doesn't meet , this matter , i did felt that sheralin was really in fault however , the biggest sinner was actually samuel. As a position of hearing one sided story , i felt that samuel was really the biggest jerk on earth.Basically , he pushes the blame to sheralin and acts like a complete imbecile in the negotation. A new word i recently learnt , ''doughebag'' , would be the most unharmed word to describe him , plausibly even ''fucker'' would not be enough. With the limited vocab i had , i'm unable to vent my anger through the beauty of writing.

with samuel's carefree , with kah shin's stubborn and with our speechless , they reduced sheralin into someone bitchy and had throughly humilated her which also humilated our gang indirectly. after all the unreasonable by them , i swallowed every moment that we've been humilated and in the end i have to swallow my pride , reducing my own level so that i will keep a cool head till the very end. i dun wish to act so babaric like them and reduced into someone of their level. What rendered me into writing this post was not all these ludicrous thing but the slamming of doors , the sight of watching their arrogant backs and leaving us hanging in the classroom really pisses me off ,even to the extend that i almost threw away my brain and attempt to confront them face to face , and i really mean face to face like 5cm away .

before the negotiation , in fact , even before the whole SS matter came into my ears, frankly speaking , i wanted to go back to situ. however 2day , i have to say that i've seen a different side of kahshin , someone that had no respect for one and literally pelting insults and her own stands on other people. despite this , the mentality of going back to situ haven changed however , with all these matter , it will be impossible to happen , even if it happens , it definitely will not be the same...

stop racking up the past and using it as a ability to defend and attack because it is degrading for you.

*sorry for tolerating my poor english standards and thanks for reading till the end.

RANDOM PIXX!!!!!

fk evolved !!!! into....FK...lame
big diff horz scary sia.

''what cha looking at'' reply - '' a fat playboy lying down''

showing off hahas!!! abalone!! hehehhahah

my collections of hats woohoo

JIA YOU!!!!! CAN DO IT DE =))

EVEN A SMALL TICKET KNOWS HOW TO BE HAPPY AND WHY CAN'T WE?
DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE OF HAPPY AND DIFFERENT EXPECTATION TO BE HAPPY WHY THINK SO MUCH? JUST BE HAPPY!!!!

HAHA REALLY RANDOM HORZ , EHH THIS IS MY ROOM =) NICE HORZ

LIAR GAME!!!! NICE DRAMA!!!! BIG HIT IN JAP !!! MUST WATCH HEHEHE

BEFORE
TADA!!! fk WHEN HE IS YOUNG HEHEHEHAHA

BOOOOAAAAAA!!!!!! AHHH

THE ORIGINAL VIDEO!!!!



VIDEO ONLY WITH THE DANCE AND THIS ALSO THE DANCE I WANNA LEARN!!!!! LOOKS IMPOSSIBLE BUT ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE RIGHT? HEHEHEHE


FROM THE SAME ALBUM - IDENTITY =) - WHITE WISHES =) ENJOY !!!

i regretted going for that Chong Pang food race....

despite knowing the fact that i'm gonna face the fear in my heart -facing a bunch of strangers. i still decide to participate in that. probably i'm treating it as a test for my sp , to see if it gets better or something.

when reached our destination , my heart dreads even more by each passing seconds. my face started twitching uncontrollably , my hands are glued to my face trying to hide my awkward expressions and i started to change to silent mode as if trying to act invisible.

from silent mode , i was converted to vibrate mode when i heard it was time to meet my unknown group mates i'm gonna work with for 3hours or so. i was literally shaking as if a 7.0++ earthquake is happening in my body.

the moment i met them , i quickly hid all my emotions but it is flawed. awkward silent for a moment, i stared and them and they did the same. Fortunately the parent volunteer break the stiff atmosphere by cracking a joke which gave me a (-.-) in my heart.

stumbling and trembling , i voiced out my very first sentence to them. clearing my throat , i started discuss with them about the admin stuff about the game. i was really at the edge that moment , the sp is as if devouring every limbs of me and taking over my body. the fear in my heart was indescribable. thank god , the parent volunteer have totally no problem with socializing hence all the social matter was all given to her and of course i was as if a loyal dog that keeps quiet by the owner side practically for the whole event.

For the whole event , i was disappointed in myself and apologetic for my team mates. i felt apologetic was because i dare not voiced out therefore i'm unable to asist them in any of the station which rendered them not getting any position in the end. as for disappointment , i was disappointed how useless i performed at that event and gradually that disappointment was converted to anger , i was fuming.

after everything ended , i changed myself from vibrate mode to silent mode. on the way back , i sat alone, listen to my songs and hoping that that might settle my emotions a bit....

even when reached school , the anger in me still didn't suppress at all and this emotion practically glued my lips together and keeping shut.

my friends noticed something amiss and dare not talk to me at all , in the end , i decide to wear a mask and talk to them.

my friends wanted to go 815 coffee shop to have their dinner , oh ya btw , that time was already 6+ and everyone was really exhausted therefore it gave me more reason to show such moody expression. And guess what, after the anger i temporary suppress, another thing happened and my day was officially ruined.

on the way to 815 i fell into the drain -.- yeah I FELL INTO THE DRAIN!!!! YES U DIDN'T SEE WRONGLY!!! I FELL -.- .
my bones was smashed onto the wall of the drain and i think i could feel my bone being crushed lorz.

that day was really the worst day ever....it sucks....whatsmore , when i told my family that i fell , all they did was laugh their ass off -.- arghhhh i still having the huge bump protruding my leg that hurts so much!!!! -.- hope they just die of laughing -.-

2day is a excellent day for me.The recognition that i yearned finally approached my door step knocking on my door as i wholeheartedly welcome it. i know that welcoming it will only bring me even more responsibility and having the need maintain that recognition. however , i dun mind having it because i know i'm able to grow well in such ''fertilizer'' called praise. it acts as a drive for me to strive and giving reason to proof to someone. i'm seriously over the moon today , even though such ''achievements'' to other people might be something that they earn without much effort and unable to carved a arc on their faces. however it really meant to me alot. i'm happy and the incident that happened in the english class is slowly being wiped away by my happiness.

below is the essay i wrote and i put in quite alot of my effort. please spent sometime reading it and grade it if possible. thank you.

THE TRUTH
Forecast weather in early summer, rendered me getting up reluctantly out of my lovely dreamland, however, the slamming of doors sounded somewhere around my house. The sound echoed in my ear and gradually traveled to my brain to give it a vigorous shake. Recovering from the tremendous shake, curiosity got the better of me to find out about that galling commotion just now. Just as I was going to rant about things, I realized that commotion was caused by my only kin – my big brother, who was late for work. Simmering down, I turned ninety degree to my left and faced my favorite policeman-designed clock which my brother gave it to me during my 18th birthday. With blurry vision, I realized it was time for yet another day of adventure at work.

It started raining cats and dogs as I sat in my car, on the way to my destination- the police station. My brother has a best friend and they were extremely close, to the extend of being close than a real family. His name was Lien. The weather worsens, as if the god was fuming. I dashed into my office table as soon as I reached my destination. I started arranging my documents without realizing that the torrential of rain spoilt my phone. Feeling close to a derangement, I tried to suppress and continued looking through those documents which was piled like a mountain.

All of a sudden , my eye-brow twitched , my heart started racing and a loud explosive noise by the thunder sounded , rendered me panicked and knocked down the photo frame which intact a photograph of my me and my brother. The glass of photo frame instantly shattered into thousands of pieces as soon as it smashed onto the floor. As if hinting that out relationship was in trouble

Regardless being superstitious or bad omen, I decided to contact my brother to ensure everything was fine. Trembling uncontrollably, I had my grip on the phone on my office table and I started to dial the number. Each number pad seems to have spike on it, brutally piercing through me, my heart especially when I press the. My phone call was divert to voicemail , that moment I realized that something must have gone terribly wrong because my brother would always be contactable regardless what happened. In the end, something further confirmed my hunch was right.

The police station was in chaos, everyone was packing their staff to go somewhere. Frantically, I asked them what happened however, no one realized my existence. With fear slowly creeping in, my tears welled up in my eye. Finally, someone delivered the message to me, saying that my brother was in trouble and that everyone is rushing to the crime scene. I held back my emotions and only thought about getting to the scene as soon as possible, however, the reverence to lose my only had me torn and paralyzed.

It was a excruciating painful journey before I reached my destination. Views outside my car window pane were converted into memories and flashbacks of the wonderful moments I had with my brother. However, one by one the fragments of memories and flashback started shattering into pieces. Each shattered memories, slowly build up the dreading thoughts and the worst outcome in my heart. At last, I reached my destination; the scene was in total havoc. Time seems to slow down as I pushed everyone who was in my way , all I could hear was my breath and the question being asked in repetition in my heart, saying , ‘what on earth happened my brother?!’
Eventually, the crowd created a pathway for the lunatic person to pass through which was me. As the crowd dispersed, at last, I am able to set my vision on my brother.

My brother was as if wearing a beautiful bright red suit, lying on a garden of stunningly gorgeous rose. My vision was shaking, it started to get blurry, all my senses paralyzed as I held on firmly to brother’s remaining while the medical team carried him away. I had lost myself together with my brother, those memories we share, my smile and my humanity had vanished and departed together with him. I am left all alone and the reason for me to live was gone. I let out a heart-rending wail; I knelt to the ground and bagged the medical team to leave my brother as I stubbornly held onto my brother. The medical team ignored my existence and carried on moving. I tripped over a rock, smashed on the floor, finally let go of my grip and watched my only kin leaving me forever.

The crowded split and I was left lying on the pool of blood, imagining that my brother was with me. It was absolutely tormenting, my left upper chest seemed to be tearing from inside out. Rain kept pouring over me , every part of me was covered in red but I am still laughing heartily as I ridiculously imagined my brother was hugging me, everything fast forward and I found myself in hospital unconscious for 2days, my colleague then delivered the news that the case of my brother was closed as a suicide case. That very moment, I have a strong resentment in me, I deplored and I enclosed my teeth so hard that it started bleeding. However it was all in vain, in the end, I threw away my position and I decided to investigate this case privately.


I was determined that my brother will never abandon me and my stands were firmed that he was murdered. No one believed me except Lien .To my surprised; he was admitted to the hospital due to severe head damage and had lost parts of his memory. I visited him, told him every single thing and he had the same agonized expression I had.

I started my investigation and I headed to the crime scene hopefully to find clues. I searched high and low however it was futile just like searching needle in the vast ocean. Finally, my effort was not in vain, I found dried blood stains along the stairway, I followed it and I was lead to a key chain that was hidden at the corner. Horror struck me as I picked up the key chain and discovered that the key chain belongs to Lien as the name was carved on it. Dumbfounded and feeling fishy, I knew I have to sort things clear somehow. I was already taken over by vengeance and blinded by revenge; it made me into suspecting anyone including my closest friend.

The water in my hand phone had evaporated and it can use again. The moment I turned on my hand phone, it showed 10missed calls and voicemail. Those were all from Lien. I open the voicemail and I realized it was the key to the whole truth. The voicemail was chaotic as if lien had forgotten to hand the phone and changed to voicemail unintentionally. The voicemail was chaotic; however, I am able to tell that piece voice was from Lien and my brother. They were having a conversation but I am unable to hear the content of their conversation. At the midst of the conversation, the serene background turned violent, the monotone conversation instantly become a vehement argument and I can feel the wrath from their voices. As soon as curiosity bombarded in my mind, something destroyed all my thoughts and numbed my limbs. There sounded a hysterically beyond humanity screech and it finally ended with a blaring bang. I was finally pushed over the edge, I let out a monstrous roar containing all my emotions and I knelt to the ground being dissed and torn once again. I grabbed my pistol and dashed to the restaurant where I supposed to meet lien. Lien said that he had something important to tell me and little did he know that he was having the last moment on earth.

I reached the posh restaurant and saw Lien wholeheartedly stood up and welcome the monster who was going to kill him. I was trembling as I raised my gun , not in fear but in excitement and the desire to take revenge. I was devoured by vengeance. without hesitation , I shot him at his stomach. His face instantly turned puzzled and he fell to the ground, hurled himself like ball and screamed in agony. The piercing sound produced from the gun instantly made the classy restaurant chaotic.screams and fear occupied the restaurant. I stepped forward towards lien and pointed the gun at him. Lien frantically trying to explain as he handout out a letter and held onto his stomach in excruciating pain. That moment , all I could see was the scene where I lose my brother. Excitement carved a sadistic grinned on my face and finally I pulled the trigger to end all agony and torture I went through. Lien still holding on the letter and his hands fell onto my foot motionlessly. I picked up the letter and yet another unexpected blow approached me , the truth behind everything

Dear Lucas ,
‘your brother had been in a huge debt due to investment. He always said that he wanted to ensure a best life for you and filling up your death parent’s position. However, such desire rendered him to take extreme measures such as laundering money from the company. As a close friend, I tried persuade him but it was all in vain. He even went to the rooftop and threatened me that he would jump down if I were to report this. I tried to contact you but I wasn’t able to get through you. This is how all these mishap took place. I promised that I will not tell anyone and he finally get up and moved away from the rooftop. As he tried to get up , he lost his balanced and fell off the building, The sight of my best friend helplessly letting out a hysterical cry and vanished in front of me was absolutely hellish for me to look. Without hesitation , I ran down the stairs to look for him , however , I fell and knocked my head in the stairway. I lost my memory and these fragment gradually stick back. Hearing that you were so obsessed with revenge ,I knew I have to tell you the truth before any mishap happen again. I am sincerely sorry for the late truth but just to tell you ,even if your brother is gone , he will still live in our hearts forever. Therefore we should all let go of him and depart in peace.’

After reading, I was lost , I am speechless and my senses stopped responding. I knelt to the ground and placed Lien’s remains on my thigh. That moment , how I wished god exist in front of me and create a miracle. However everything was too late , nothing could be done and nothing is revertible anymore. Helplessly , all I did to cry my eyes out. Then a desire in me howled in my ear saying that I must do something to make amendment. Foolish thought took control of my body as I lift the gun and placed the gun at my forehead. I was ready to waved goodbye to this world then , a order called out ‘put the gun down this instant’ . I opened my eyes, noticed I was being pulled down by the policeman and I was then taken to jail soon after that.

This story was written before my death penalty and hopefully this story will have the power to stop the evil desire to create such mishap again.

i'm secondary four already.
however , i dun feel that i'm worthly to be there.
i'm secondary four already.
yet i have no goals.
i'm secondary four already.
and i'm still revolving around the same spot.

this is really a very tiring week.....test , hw , staying back , being a mute loyal dog and being manipulate by the fking school rules.

i knew that such irritant will still carry on till i leave that fking school. therefore, no matter how i deplore and resent, theres simply nothing i can do, except to wait till that very day when i graduate.

besides studies , i'm being caught on by the complex thing called as feelings.

during this week , i lost all my confidants and self-esteem to those sickening people who doesn't care about any1 except him/herself.

those sickening , self-centred , despicable morons really gets onto my nerve. however , i'm unable to do anything because losing my temper doesn't being me any good. i keep mum whenever such people insult, tear me down and all i do is swallow them down and allowing them to affect my day

those people are really superficial. once they are with you for a considerably long period of time , these people would tend to pick and choose about you , about your characters , behaviour etc. then they will used hurtful words that seems unharm to them and prick you literally through your heart rendered it to bleed , destroyed , deformed and tarnished like a trash. i even feel a sense of snide in them , they would contempt and be supercilious to you . i dunno if this is how they feel about me, but i do feel insulted.

right now , i'm got the feeling that i'm a retarded. i felt so imbecile . so inferior then any1. i'm ugly. my singing practically unhearable and that my voice will bring disgrace and disgust to people.

sometimes i feel like raising a gun , pull the trigger and let the blaring sound end everything....

exhausted , torn and crestfallen. i wanna slow down my pace.....i wanna stay put and stop moving...

every steps and decision comes with all sort of consequences, every steps i made seems to be painful , every decision i made seems to be so wrong.

i dun wish to move forward , i dun wish to social. However , i wasn't given any choice.
all i wanna do is to enjoy the cold breeze , cut off all social line with any1 and just lie onto the cold hard floor with petals landing on my crestfallen and aged facial appearance.

SP is not yet cured , just as i promised , i might go back to situ when sp is over. however it seems to be my one-sided wishful thinking. i dun expect that they would yearn for my return , in fact i can't and i'm terrified to have any expectation anymore. But they seems to be as imbecile and shallow. or are they just being innocents and free minded , and that jealousy rendered me into feeling this way.

i'm a complex person when it comes to emotions and relationship. i'm unable to let go even the person had long forgotten me. i'm know such though is really foolish and dumb because in the end , no one would ever appreciate the agony you've gone through for that fking person. i'll always have the urge to check out my primary school's friend's happenings and i will always be dissed and left stunned in front of my desktop. jealousy in me was soo strong that the sight of happiness in my friends irks me. i would feel empty and compared their filled with happening life and my worthless life. i would feel like staying in the corner like a scarred animal dreading to experience the light. That moment , it gave me a painful reason to move on again and work hard for my study. i felt that by doing so , after meeting my friends they will be envious about my achievement academically because thats is the only thing i can excel and do well if i work hard.
but i just dun wanna to move!!!!! but i can't afford to spin around the spot!!!! i wanna proof !!! but proof to who?.......

this society is such a terrible place to be in.on the superficial it seems like chances and opportunities are there but turning them around , you'll see dozens of people struggling and trying their best to achieve such glimpse chances. that sure is pathetic....i'm in this now. among the sea of humans , i'm just a worthless , puny and useless bit of sand settled in a big pool of sands. i wanna affect the big pool of it .....but how? i wanna be in a entertainment industry but is this right for me??
you only have just once to do things in this lifetime , once going haywire , youth ,money or probably reputation will be the payment to move on.

theres several things i wanna do - to be a singer , learn dancing and be a novelist if possible. but all these are hard to balance them. right now , o level is in front of me but i'm tired to move on....i'm bushed....

memories

Its been around 4months , considered a pretty long time. Millions of things could happen during that amount of time.Small matters or big matters both can affect your life in some way or another, just a matter of being observant or not.

Its been around 4months since i left them.....

aside all resentment or grudge , frankly speaking , no one is able to forget small little things that happened between you and your friends not even when both set their ways in different path. an action, a sentence or even a emotion could racks up simple memories between your friend and yourself , bad ones, good ones , sad ones , funny ones , depressed ones , crazy ones . those are indeed the stuff that u would suddenly stumbled on , stopped , remember , recalling and able to carve a upward curve arc on your face.

it been around 4months since i left them and those memories are still vividly in my mind , as if it happened yesterday and i'm still having fun with them. having said all these , readers must be feeling that i yearn to go back to them however it wasn't so. though i'm having fun however , it seemed that unhappiness had a greater mass in my heart. Right now , in this group , i'm able to pronounced this relationship as a [clique] without much hesitation or doubt and this is definitely something i'm proud of in my sec life.


a question popped in my mind recently when i was daydreaming in lesson time(chemistry) . I found the question kinda bizarre , because practically everyone never thought about the situation when their relationship would become such alien conclusion someday i mean they would have to face such problems like how are they gonna face them ? what are they gonna do? no one seem to thought about it probably because they are optimistic while i'm not. therefore it makes me wonder , what if someday my clique will break the bond and going to separate ways. will our relationship be dragged further and further till we do not recognized each other anymore? i do dread and found it horrendous when i thought about it, how about you?


i could barely see the finishing line out my sec life.....i'm shivering....


though is just february , but everyday seems to pass so quickly before i realized. it really send a cold ticklish feeling in my spine, i dun wish to leave the school that i've spend my whole 4years in. it is filled with memories.....however i guess it is really inevitable , everyone just have to been through such thing called the [ farewell ]. it sucks and it hurts however this is the obsticle that u have to go through before u can move on. therefore , i absolutely detest saying similar words like
that- [farewell] . who knows , maybe the minute u said farewell and watched his shadow slowly fade away might be the last time u will be saying such thing to him/her.


memories maybe something that is sweet where u can have flashbacks that could brighten up your day. in my opinion , i would rather not have such ludicrous stuff, simply because , you cannot change them to reality anymore , after the flashbacks , it disses you to be hopelessly alone. on the contrary , it brings more emptiness in you.
i dun wish to look at the things i'm seeing now to be through my heart and mind....


memories is hateful yet sweet...

another resentment and ranting post

As usual i was doing my fking hw yesterday and realized that my hmwk simply just vanish into thin air. with a diao face , i just sat down and get pretty close to a derangement. in deep cogitating , i felt even more fed up and i starting lamenting vulgar in my room because i suddenly felt that all these stuff i'm doing is so damn meaningless . i got very sick of my life and i have no time to relax myself at all. i'm piled with a mountain of hw , is like hw after hw after hw or test after test after test arghhh this cycle doesn't seem to end at all!!

i know everyone have been chanting around me saying 0 level and i'm self-conscious about it. such repetition of words simply convert it into a fed up and piss situation automatically.

that is how i find my drive to work- hearing compliments and no bad remarks. even though bad remarks is good and blah blah blah but still, compliments is also necessary Right???!!!!
(not talking about you , ah hulk dun take it personally)

after feeling fuming , i laid on the gate of my dreamland waiting for my window to close and the gate to my dreamland to open.
zzzzzz
zzzzz
zzzzzz
the gate of my dreamland just slammed at my face and i woke up. i felt totally uncomfortable as if i was being fucked the day before or probably having menses in the morning(* all these never experiences before so dun call the police)

when a human bomb is walking around , stay vigilant and stay away from me or else the impact could be drastic (*duh, opps i mean doo~~). the victim who kana this was a girl that i love alot which is.......MY MOM!!! i know u are thinking that using the word girl is inappropriate but what else should i call her? a old hag? of course la. C(~.~)D paisei hor mummy!!! i bua you translation - i love you!!!

after a long day at school i finally simmer down and back to my daily schedule. all struggle the previous day seems to be in vain lol @[-O_O-]@

2day i went to the library 2 study ,on the contrary it seems like i'm going 2 some motivational lecture. simply because of the conversation i had with my friend.though i had to admit that it had somehow hurt me however it hit me greatly and understand how imbecile and immature i was. realizing de life i was leading was pretty lame and childish which is kinda ''unhealthy'' for someone who is having o level this year. is either i did not realized or i'm just deceiving me into believing that i am improving greatly in my eng but in fact it wasn't so.

i understood the diff between looking and seeing , though it may look the same but it actually had much diff. quote from my friend '' looking at things means that u look at something and thats it but when u see something , u digest , concentrate and understand those word' i was kinda dumbfounded that moment. but am i de only one who realized such thing? if it is den i really think i have wasted my life .

one more thing is that practically all my friends know what they want for life and they know what is best and essential for them to succeed in life but as for me? i'm spinning round and round on the same spot without realizing as if i've fall into a endless spiral that i can't get out. the thought dreads me whenever i looked in front and i can see the finish my sec life and o level the obstacle is right infront of my finish line which can greatly affect my life in future

i not blaming or whatsoever , i definitely very self-conscious about my study however the lecture had let me realized that what i doing now won't bring me any further towards where i wanna go. however being mentally self-conscious simply wasn't enough because action still speaks louder than words ....

saying umpteen of not being distracted by foolish relationships and stuff but still.....

feeling ridiculously absurd , time is definitely not on my side anymore. o level is gonna be around the corner before i realised and i'm still stuck in the same point.

emotions is such a distracting thing. relationships is such a complicated thing. i'm tired of all these stuff but it just kept coming no matter how i repel and resist it , it is really inevitable.

anyway this is my story.
i have a crush on someone. frankly speaking , its is not a recent emotions in me. reason why i have decide to wrote here is because the happenings around me examples like ''the incident of JK and A'' . that incident made me feel rather envy about JK's actions. he dares to take that step to overcome the fear of everyone eyeing and request for stead for more than twice which is really considerably remarkable. i hate being cowardliness and being pessimistic all the time , i know dearly that being this way won't bring me any good or any anything i wanna have. i just could not bring myself to request for stead to that person , not afraid to be rejected but afraid the sissy personality that everyone is talking about will bring even more ridiculous stuff that would distract me even further. beside that , i also think that i'm not up to her . she is too perfect for me , i could not just ask her for stead like this especially not when i'm in such bad condition where study is going bottom and relationship with friend is in a wrack. i can see or feel that there are other people who have the same feeling towards to her , but those people are much much better den me so there are simply no reason for me to get sour. every time i face her , i would feel terrible , i must warned myself not to go too close to her or else... as if millions of words that are meant for her evaporated in seconds. i cannot resent cause i know if i wanna change everything , i have to change myself . transform into at least a worthy person than what i am now , not useless , not stupid and with the STUPID SP i'm having.....
every time i saw her with other people , i feel kinda sour in my heart a indescribable feeling just unbearable but ultimately the person i can blame is myself......

sleepover

before the first day of school , my cca-choir went to esplanade to watch some choir concert.

The concert started around 7+ and ended around 9 and the performance is so BORING!!

i'm not being mean or whatsoever , i understand that they are very good but there are no surprises , the songs they sing are so uncommon rendered me almost fall asleep. Anyway , after concert my friend(jw and another friend) went to search for something to satisfied our depthless hunger.

it was sooo late and all shops are close rendered us 1hour to get something to eat.

after that we went home lorz.

btw , during the outing with jw, at first we kept a distance away from each other as if we dunno each other. slowly ,through the laughter i get to say something to him but this only happens a couple of times only.

back to the main topic[sleepover]
after going to school for some admin stuff , i went for my very first sleepover at my friend house.It was the last day of 2009 and i;m gonna spent it with my friend for the very first time.

very glad that my relationship with my that friend is gradually getting better however , he is younger than me by one year therefore cannot be the same class as me haizzz
but still , i am very satisfied now i dare not expect to much from friend either so staying this way is good.

for almost the whole day we played psp till the time to eat dinner
i ate chicken chop add rice and it is really big serving very very big , but i finish it though.
bought cup noodle and went back to my friend's house.
his sis and her bf is at home as well , at first i felt kinda uncomfortable but they did not really respond to my existence therefore i treated them the same as well.
one thing i notice about their house is that they dun close the door , which is to me kinda unusual. i mean everyone needed privacy even if it is to ur parent privacy is still needed though but their family dun practice such thing.

From there , i started thinking if my friend's sis and his bf wanna F den nver close door den his bro go see won't it be totally in embaressment? yuck dun even wish to imagine that lol.

till 10 o'clock , we started playing cards like uno and old maid . we have soo much fun!!!
12o'clock , we turn on the tv and we waited for the countdown.
we scream , cheer and shouted hesterically in his house when we finally come to 2010 his sis also join in the crazy shouting and screaming. hahaha

we planned not to sleep on that day , so we ate cum noodles at around 4+ to keep us awake.
but until 5-6 o'clock we both gave up and fall asleep.

the next thing i realized was that the sun is already hanging high on top and it was alrady 12 liaoz and i said that i gonna go home at 2 cause i need to celebrate my grandma birthday.

we played cards until the time i left. i have soo much fun , i can't put it into words la is just very very fun.

after i went home , i quickly get all dress up and get ready to go to the restaurent where we gonna celebrate my grandma birth.

those two days are soo packed with soo much programmes.i just went home and boom on my bed and fall asleep.

*please tell me the standard of my english if it is good or bad thx =)