my lifeless life

been trying to seek some motivation from the webby..
these are some that i've gotten:

"A son and his father were walking on the mountains.

Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"

To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"

Curious, he yells: "Who are you?"

He receives the answer: "Who are you?"

And then he screams to the mountain: "I admire you!"

The voice answers: "I admire you!"

Angered at the response, he screams: "Coward!"

He receives the answer: "Coward!"

He looks to his father and asks: "What's going on?"

The father smiles and says: "My son, pay attention."

Again the man screams: "You are a champion!"

The voice answers: "You are a champion!"

The boy is surprised, but does not understand.

Then the father explains: "People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.

It gives you back everything you say or do.

Our life is simply a reflection of our actions.

If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart.

If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.

This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life;

Life will give you back everything you have given to it."

i hope this can work it's magic on you

but i think it's minimal effect on me..

though it makes so much sense.

*****

sometimes when you are so nice and kind

those acts will never be reciprocated.

when everything will soon come to an end when the day comes

and the day draws near...

LIFE WILL SOON MEAN MORE THAN THIS...

-i miss you so, but i cant say anything... ...-

my love

all the many posts below are just for my frustrations
please ignore them if they are affecting you
or if you dont understand.
dont bother asking
cos i assure you
ignorance is really a bliss...

i love you guys
just that i cant love you guys deep deep inside.

as for those close friends that ive really neglected
the 4 of you..
you guys have long become a part of me
you guys aren't forgotten deep inside me and never will.
cos you guys are really great in many parts of my lives.
especially keechen.
you really rawks my life!
dont know how i will be without you
dont worry too much for others okay..
sometimes life will make you a selfish person..
but it will be fine...
as for the 4 others,
you guys are great as well
when i dont go to you guys first to talk to
doesnt mean you are not important to me
it's just that telling 1 person is easier than waiting and to meet up to tell all of you
hm,
dont jealous okay..
all these just takes time
i love you too okayyss..!
you look so hot when i see you yesterday, hahaas!
im so so sorry to have really neglected you guys so much
and whenever we go out,
i'm always such a spoilsport..
dont worry,
i promise you guys i will not be like that
when this shitty JC period of my life is over
and maybe have another trip like the Korea trip we had.
if we have the money...
i know all of you are having difficulties somewhere here and there
hang on there okays,
and we will brave through them, prettily..
i know only a few of you read my blog..
so convey my love to the rest of them okays.

-it's the time and effort that these binds that ties can be formed...-

i feel so drained out recently
but ive already been doing my bare minimum for both council and school work
so im so disappointed in myself that the extent i can stretch myself is so minimum
now i dont even enjoy those things i used to enjoy
and i often wish i could just stay at home and sleep forever.....

my headaches are always haunting me
i cant always take the medicine prescribed
cos it really makes me feel even worse
i hate them
i dont know what i did to deserve them
they are really affecting me
or maybe they are really just an excuse i turn to
deep down inside...

ive been school e entire day for RBC on our elearning day.
while it's movies, or class outing or whatever fun for other students
it just doing our council stuff for us
like always,
"they" claimed to stick with us for whatever decisions we chose
"they" said "they" wanted something different for the 1st orientation
"they" said "they" wanted something for US, to leave a legacy behind
"they" wasn't even around a single time when we were there doing
"they" were ever so..... encouraging
"they" should just not promise us their support if they cant give us
"they" have their own fair share of responsibilities to complete, we too have our own.
now that we've have made the decision they forced and persuaded us into
and we have to do it no matter we fail or succeed
and it's all in our name regardless of the outcome
if we succeed,
"they" will just give thanks for our efforts
if we fail,
"they" will just discourage us further in our AAR
we cant be possibly able to pick ourselves up and learn from our mistakes
from the SO MUCH encouragement "they" have given us.
and the main thing is: "they" can critiscise us OPENLY, when all we can do is just keep our mouth shut,
since "they" are always right... SUPPOSEDLY

all in all
"they" just formed the OTHER part of the disappointment and regret
that i took up the bloody form...
"they" and the WE
if WE are an empty shell which a nice exterior
then aren't "they" also the same??

our future can only be changed if these disappointments come to an end.

-when anything can seem so pretty and nice from the outside, it's so ugly and disturbing deep down inside...-

my escape

all these and the previous post apply to more than 30 people [AND not 2.]:
i admire some of your attitude
i'm disgusted that some people like these also exist.

.the facade.
or worse, the multiple FACADES.

i chose to escape
cos escape doesn't bring back bad memories..
and the happy memories will still stay...
when i look back and wonder if whatever so dear to me that i've given up is so worth it afterall...

*****

the other stars will always shine brightly no matter how i feel..
why should i even be bothered

i would not go back to the state i've tried so hard to escape from
or the entire torture will replay itself again.

i've gotta move on in my life
if i ever had one...


-when all the love stops
all the pain starts-

-my emotions are all from within...and i'll learn how to control them since i cant control others.-

kynan's video

maybe this can make the day for many..
the gem in our eyes.

it did brighten up your day,
didn't it..?

-i searched for missing link...-

theCOUNCIL

finish studying for the entire test
in the weee hours of the early morning
but it ended up with me unable to even struggle to school
like how i did for the past many days..
my headaches are driving me nuts
I'm absent from school today because of it
went to see the doctor
and she said that they are tension headaches
due to stress and stuffs.
it's so so assuring, yeahh.

in the afternoon,
went to my mum teh childcare
the lil joy from the distribution of goodies
the light atmosphere that did wonders to my mood
but the hidden politics that i could also sense...

in the evening was the worst headache
when i really get the meaning of
splitting headaches
really making me cry out of agony..


---------------------------------

if you love something, let it go.
if it was meant to be,
it will come back to you.

lifted it from my friend's blog
maybe it just made so so much sense at this juncture of my life
in many many things that are happening now.

firstly,
the dearest day is drawing near
the deadline ive given myself
had unknowingly drew so close
that i fear..

secondly,
the unspoken issue..
someone said to me: "hais.. i think like,its just gonna crumble and fall apart from here."
i defended.. "but i think alot of us wont allow that to happen.."

i hope that's the case..
the faith still lies deep within
in many of our hearts

it will take as much courage to leave
as it took for us to get in
all those that we went through
will soon come to nothing
if no one bothers
bothers means doing something..
and not just discussing about it.
but i think everyone just have no idea where and how to start..

the previous post i did at 3++am in the morning
the next thing i heard happening in the same morning
so "uncunningly" scary...

-the gummi bears will make my day...though the dinosaurs didn't-

PS: if WE make a mistake, WE must not be afraid to own up. the point is that WE grow from it and learn from it. there's no such thing as not washing our dirty linen in the public. WE can face it together...

angerrrrrr

today was considered a not bad day..
when everyone is so high and stuffs
managed to give everyone my gifts
yeahh
and i met up with my mortal!
now i understand how hard it is to initiate..
so awkard and stuffs..
and he actually say im like so shy..
o0pss!
my angel met up with me as well!
and yeahh, thanks for the many many gifts once again!
i seriously think that V-day can fatten me up
like for once..

throughout the entire day
i felt lost in betweens
not sure why
but just feel something is amissed
and i actually gave away something that i thought would be important to me
the significance is perhaps gone long time ago
such that it doesn't leave a single impression in my mind

now mugging for physics test for later on
had been sleeping since the evening
hope it can chase my migraine to the far back of my brain
ive been getting headaches for the entire week
and they are really making my head spin

that make me go back to wednesday
wednesday is the worst i guess
the headaches,
enduring through 3-quarters of the AAR
and all the rubbish ATTITude
not because of those comments
i take them rather positively with regards to the improvements we can gather from them
but because you guys just dont understand the effort it takes
just like i wouldnt understand what other comm is undergoing
unless im in it myself
those are just suggestions
and i think we could just take in whatever we think is SENSIBLE and not CONTRADICTING to our objectives
cos i dont find the point in explaining
when all that is in everyone's mind is just convenience for oneself
AT THE EXPENSE of others.
and perhaps this could be a wake up call for us..
our job scope is just to large that it seems to cover everything
when others though that it just doing some brainless paper work
is just so easy
if it's as easy as thought
then "you" could be in it too.
im so apologetic in differentiating ourselves
cos i don't feel the togtherness as ONE already
the togetherness stuffs had been on my mind for too long
i can no longer keep it to myself
everyone is just concern about themselves
everyone is just going there to have fun and de-stress
and not doing our jobs well
when we should be doing our jobs first and enjoying from it
and not enjoy first then complain through our tasks..
though i dont deny that im not part of the everyone
everyone is just guilty of it
just that no one admit it blatantly...
the "ONE" feeling i once felt
is gone with the stress
the bonds we once forged are all superficial
that a slightest thing can hit it off
not until we overcome this period
tolerance and forgiveness
and i cant blame any one for that
it's just PLAIN DISAPPOINTING to me..
when the once thought greatest thing that ever happened to me
the greatest decision that could make me forgo so many things
are all but nil now..

as for the bad ATTITUDE from the others
thanks for the excuse
and THANKS so much for your concern
or should it be doubts.
it is SO SO needed for when someone is feeling unwell
and i dont think it should even be on your mind
the skeptic..
the sarcasms...
though the person will not read it
but i just need to get it off me
im like seriously pissed that such a person actually exist
and that nearly drove me to madness
which im not sure why i will react in that particular emotion
oh just freak off,
i dont appreciate reverse psychology!

another thing that happened..
so irritating..
at one moment you can be so nicely complimenting us
and the next screaming criticisms at us
who's not feeling the stress yeahh..
so sorry i just need some way to vent my anger,
thanks so much, Jo
always hearing me cursing..
cant helped it with such people around..
my motivation all gone because of all these
i felt so much to leave it all behind
leave them..
the once highs are all downs
when it no longer matter to me who's inside
cos i just want to get it out of my mind fast..

cos no one cares as well..

-my new-found distraction away from all the mayhem...??-

cos i know it's all within me

the state of mind

i need to control...

PS: this post will only make sense to some people.. so dont bother asking me what is it about unless i start talking about it myself. cos i dont think i need to bother explaining myself to everyone. and everyone includes those who cares deep inside and those who want to know it just the sake of wanting to look like you know a lot..

wells, an angry women cant be disturbed..

cny outing

the sense of relief..
at least i know it wont be happening all over again
you're sensible..
i know you can make the right choice

oh wells,
i envy the stand that both of you stood to.
the courage that was never in me nor ...
but that day brought back memories awfully distant thoughts
that i knew will definitely be history now
it all matters in how i want the history to be written
f im really strong enough to control...

i want to run away..
into my fairytale like place again
where i can feel the happiness in the air all around me...
it's just so faraway...

some photos of yesterday:

the gals..


the guys..


i think my first clique outing with them...
like finally....


thanks for your many many advice
hope i can come to a decision soon..
you really brighten up my day..


ps: get the unglam ones from me..
unless you guys want me to post them up (:

-those days are gone, thou a miracle can happen...-

lessons learnt

after chatting for so long
and slacking way past my own schedule..
i've finally learnt something
from my dearest RnE partner, qiani..
she taught me not to be distracted
the need to stay focused
the need to keep myself on track
thanks girl..

perhaps the distractions in life are all but obstacles
i can easily overcome them..
come what may

It is clearly not the journey for everyone. People succeed in as many ways as there are people. Some can be completely fulfilled with destinations that are much closer to home and more comfortable. But if you long to keep going, then I hope you are able to follow my lead to the places I have gone. To within a whisper of your own personal perfection. To places that are sweeter because you worked so hard to arrive there. To places at the very edge of your dreams.
- Michael Johnson

-they are nothing but obstacles, to be forgotten..-

boring cny

such a boring CNY..
when ang pao no longer matter as much as to me like the past
been at home since the first day, 6pm till now..
had been sleeping like lots and lots
from 9pm to 9am
then 10am to 1pm..

muahahaas,
such a satisfying one
now im so energetic
no mood for my mountains of tutorials,
no other where to go
so i just gorge myself with my new year goodies at home
when i cant feel if im really full or hungry
cos my of stupid ubbbbbeeerrrr CRAMPS!
at least it's doing me some good.. (:

it's so hilarious when all of us are being mistaken for one another by our relatives
when the oldest one can try to be the youngest one..
duhhh, it only happens when the youngest one is near her son..
doubt you cant get it.
cos i cant figure out what im writing either
just trying to pass time..
looking forward to kynan's 1st bdae..
the cute lil' pink ah beng yesterday..!
like totally~~

cant find my pretty pretty photos that ive taken yesterday
except for this!
the pretty fives!!



yeahhnesss!!
shall go stuff myself more....!
weeeeee!!!!

look into my deep brown eyes...

-i can stay as happy as i am now...for now...-

I'm finally home when it's only afternoon.
but it's a chinese new year's eve..
yet im not feeling it in me
neither am i having reunion dinner later on
had mine last sunday when im even more dreading it
cos if the mad rush of homework for the next day
gosh..
what is happening to my life..
everything seems so screwed up.

oh wells,
just went out with my class people for lunch
i've ps-ed them so many a times
and when i can finally make it,
so many of them left and went home..
so left me, jiawen, sean and zul.

i felt so sleepy and tired when im outside,
but when im home,
i feel so bored........
arrgghh!!

every small lil' things can pissed me off..
though many will think they are just meant to be ignored...
shall go take a long long nap.
to chill my fried-up brain..

*****

it may feels the same at times
but it will never happen i guess, another one...
maybe im just thinking too much
as it is,
is the best...
im just too afraid of it all over again..

-small lil things are meant to be ignored, they are just not worth it..-