Heartless
My 人缘 is getting from bad to worse.
I don't have great interpersonal skills but i think it doesn't bode well for me when the past FIVE dates I made with friends have been cancelled...by them. I can't blame them, because some do have true valid reasons for backing out. Still. I don't think it's a good sign, given my poor rapport with my colleagues and patients.
The fates (or god? gods? goddesses?) are against me! I'm paying back for all the times I have heartless and decided to pang-seh people last minute.
And talk about being heartless, I think I have a high tolerance for death. My patients who die, that is. No, I don't think I have any latent post traumatic stress disorder. But I'll still need time to get used to see the R.I.P. stamp on a patient's file that I had flipped through days before.
Ah. The joys of covering the oncology/ stroke unit.
Xiu Juan out
@ |8:05 PM|
Happy 23rd Birthday Ah Pek!!!
Yo Ah Pek!! Even thou u may be far far away in NZ...but u are still rem!! hee..Happy 23rd bdae to you!!
(p.s. sorry ah..re-used my bdae cake picture..muahaha)
eeynis out
@ |12:00 AM|
When does a medical officer tell you, "It's ok. Don't worry."?
When you have made a mistake, which is of sufficient stupidity and magnitude to justify:
- you feeling as though you want to slit your own throat and spurt your blood from the carotid arteries all over the ward to atone for your stupidity
- the insane idea of measuring a patient's blood pressure and SpO2 every 30 minutes to ensure that the patient does not expire from your over-enthusiastic intervention
- the need to call a fellow colleague (who was in the middle of a meeting) to seek help on how to document on the medical notes to express guilt for an unnecessary intervention without resorting to "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"
- the insane urge to break my bond and sink into debt
In other words, today I made
My first major screw-up
I have been careless. Now I am paying for it.
Xiu Juan out
@ |11:45 PM|
Once again,
I'm back to the old topic:
-I AM A LAN THERAPIST!- also know as
- - I hate my colleagues -
- - I hate N*H -
- - I HATE MY JOB -
- - I am an ignorant, lazy piece of shit -
I am sick of not having enough sleep. Of feeling apathetic in most areas of my life. Of knowing that I'm sinking a slow descent into depression yet too tired to do anything about it. Of commuting to NUH the most barbaric way possible - in which NO ONE gives way to pregnant ladies. Of thinking that I'm slowly turning into one of them.
Of not feeling certain of every patient I see. Of thinking that I've not done enough for a patient. Of worrying that I'm wasting my patient's time and money. Of seeing my patients too slowly. Of the general lack of respect for my profession.
And you, my fellow colleagues. I think most of you are veritable assholes. STOP referring to us as PT/OT. WE ARE NOT THE SAME. Please start recognising my input in the multidisciplinary notes. STOP writing "to continue physio" when I have already documented that I'm the one who has been doing the work. STOP discharging patients on whim. And to the venerable few amongst you - STOP treating me like shit because I'm a newcomer. STOP putting up a nice front and say snide things behind my back. I WILL BITE YOUR HEAD OFF WHEN I AM SUFFICIENTLY POWERFUL AND PISSED.
WAHAHAHAHAHA. Go to hell.
Xiu Juan out
@ |12:16 PM|
hmm.
Just when I thought the hectic ( and I'm still in orientation!) work schedule has annihilated all my passion for OT, I met a patient who snapped me out of doomed indifference. I used to think that the bulk of satisfaction coming from my work would come from interacting with patients, but come to think of it, I realised job satisfaction for me comes from seeing patients who inspire me to want to try harder.
I think it's very strange how inspiration works. Like I can't exactly see the logic of it. Some people will say, "Oh I feel encouraged when I see my patients smile" or "When patients thank me, I will feel that it's all worth it"- which all made perfect sense since there is some form of a reward system. For me, the main jolting moments that I have experienced both as a student and a green therapist are:
- When a patient, rendered partially paralysed and incapable of speech by a brain tumour, tried to write his name and struggled not to cry when he realised that he could no longer do so.
- A patient who was to be informed that his cancer cells has spread by a team of doctors at a scheduled time. Although I was not present when the doctors did so, at that point of time -I knew when the doctors would inform him- I did think, "As I am going about doing my work, somebody's life is going to change".
- When I was seeing a patient to make suggestions for his home environment, he told me that he didn't receive good news from the doctors that morning. I was going to see other patients, but I thought, 'whatever. I'm just going stay and talk to this patient' and spent the next 30 minutes talking about his previous occupation ( he was a fisherman). It's totally unrelated to what I do for work but I think that was the best treatment I ever thought up.
- A patient whom I have avoided seeing as he was quite unkempt ( think: incontinent) and progressive dementia. When I dropped by to see him on a free slot he said, "it's so nice of you to come by to talk to me." I felt sooooo guilty by his words.
Really. What's the point of being efficient, of doing the most things in the shortest time, when voices are not heard? Sometimes I think I don't care about being a "good" therapist by industrial sandards. But then, I have to survive somehow, right?
Screw this system. I don't want to discharge my patients with any regrets.
Xiu Juan out
@ |8:03 PM|
hmm.
Xiu Juan out
@ |8:03 PM|
Milestone
Just checked my elearning desk. High distinctions have eluded me yet again, but I have officially graduated! I will be a practising therapist in 3 days!
Good things to note about work:
- A much more routine lifestyle
- Many more opportunities to save
- Growing CPF
- Plenty of time to acquaint myself with the local public transport
- My white coat that's too big - to delude me into thinking that I'm slimmer ( Darn those NZ muffins!)
- Opportunities to stay in private ward when I'm hospitalised
- Complimentary vaccinations
- Complimentary GP consultations
Cognitive re-structuring works!
Xiu Juan out
@ |6:26 PM|
Finishing them off
Finishing my assignments slowly... is a bit like ... going in slowly for the kill.
I can't wait.
Xiu Juan out
@ |7:17 PM|